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Monday, May 13, 2013
Friday, August 31, 2012
Juliette is a big sister
Well, since I just posted it on Facebook...I can say it now. Juliette is a big sister! I am almost thirteen weeks along with a precious child we are calling Baby Button.
It's been an emotional and joyful pregnancy.
We are so blessed and so delighted to have another child joining our family but can't help but think of the ones we have on the other side with Jesus.
But we are blessed.
It's been an emotional and joyful pregnancy.
We are so blessed and so delighted to have another child joining our family but can't help but think of the ones we have on the other side with Jesus.
But we are blessed.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
10 months
J is ten months today. Ten precious months have passed. It's amazing how much I love her.
but it's still bittersweet.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of Samantha, Dominic, or Noah.
but we have a good God and heaven waits.
I think of them walking with Jesus and asking him curiously "when's our mommy going to get here?"
And I know that someday...when my eyes take in the sight of Jesus, I will be overjoyed......and that in the next glimpse...there will be three beautiful children....and I will run to them.
And all will be well.
This much is true and it's what I cling to on the darkest days.
This pain will not last forever.
I never knew what loss was until my babies were ripped away.
~S
but it's still bittersweet.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of Samantha, Dominic, or Noah.
but we have a good God and heaven waits.
I think of them walking with Jesus and asking him curiously "when's our mommy going to get here?"
And I know that someday...when my eyes take in the sight of Jesus, I will be overjoyed......and that in the next glimpse...there will be three beautiful children....and I will run to them.
And all will be well.
This much is true and it's what I cling to on the darkest days.
This pain will not last forever.
I never knew what loss was until my babies were ripped away.
~S
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Precious Life
Our house is not clean.
Our sleep is not uninterrupted.
Our lives are disrupted in a wonderful way.
Our rainbow baby is here to stay.
Life has been good lately. It's not perfect but it's beautiful. There's a magical intimacy between Chris and I every time we realize that Juliette is a beautiful rainbow baby produced from the fruit and love of our marriage. We are so connected emotionally, in ways we never were before......
Juliette is a generally happy baby. She loves to smile. She's been doing so well! We love having her here.......
All in all, life has been wonderful. We had a really splendid holiday season and did not give in to the social stresses and pressures but rather enjoyed family and friends and most importantly the birth of Christ. It was hard though...too...every time I look at Juliette, I'm filled with joy...but it's bittersweet because I know what I'm missing. I miss Samantha, Dominic, and Noah so much....and yet, I leave it in God's hands. Because she wouldn't be here if they were. When we're alone, I whisper "I love you, Miracle...." because her life really is a miracle and precious.
Amazing where 2011 took us.
I'm in love with my baby girl.
Our sleep is not uninterrupted.Our lives are disrupted in a wonderful way.
Our rainbow baby is here to stay.
Life has been good lately. It's not perfect but it's beautiful. There's a magical intimacy between Chris and I every time we realize that Juliette is a beautiful rainbow baby produced from the fruit and love of our marriage. We are so connected emotionally, in ways we never were before......
Juliette is a generally happy baby. She loves to smile. She's been doing so well! We love having her here.......
All in all, life has been wonderful. We had a really splendid holiday season and did not give in to the social stresses and pressures but rather enjoyed family and friends and most importantly the birth of Christ. It was hard though...too...every time I look at Juliette, I'm filled with joy...but it's bittersweet because I know what I'm missing. I miss Samantha, Dominic, and Noah so much....and yet, I leave it in God's hands. Because she wouldn't be here if they were. When we're alone, I whisper "I love you, Miracle...." because her life really is a miracle and precious.
Amazing where 2011 took us.
I'm in love with my baby girl.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Remembering our babies at Christmas/our new traditions
So...this year, Christmas is interesting. It's been incredible to have a baby girl in my arms.....and feel so blessed...And yet, now that Julietten is here, I'm keenly aware of everything that I'm missing with Samantha, Dominic, and Noah...and it breaks my heart. I love those babies so much and I ache to hold them and snuggle and tell them how much I love them.
Anyhow, I was buying a stocking for Juliette and in my mind was feeling really conflicted about not having stockings for the other babies. So I bought a whole bunch of stockings...even for Chris and I....6 total big ones and two little ones for Izzi and Anni. I wrote names out in glitter glue and they are hung on the mantle over our fire place. We talked about what to do with the stockings of Samantha, Dominic, and Noah....Just read ironically on Faith, Hope, and Joy blog that Jenn is doing something similar. We had decided to write notes to each of the babies. Then the next year we can pull out the notes and read them. As Juliette gets older, she can draw pics and then write notes too....We can leave them in the stockings. In addition, each of us will get one small present from Samantha, Dominic and Noah. It will be kind of a special reminder of our precious babies. In addition, I have an ornament for Noah but not Samantha or Dominic yet. This ornament will be something special we can put on the tree and remember them by every year. Noah's says: Noah Bug 2011, on the front, and on the back, He lives with Jesus. It's a little angelic looking boy with wings hanging from the moon. It's sweet. I cried when I put it on the tree yesterday. But we are looking forward to having our babies be part of our Christmas traditions.
We also are looking forward to putting Christ at the center of our holiday. We are going to do a Christ child gift instead of the Santa Claus thing. I'm going to have Chris build a little manger that can go under the tree and we can put a Christ child gift in it..which would be something like a Christian music CD or devotional or Bible or something with a Christian basis to it. This will be a neat family tradition.
Our last tradition is going to be a Christmas Eve one....Every year we will give Juliette a brand-new pair of PJs and a Christmas ornament. Then we will read the Christmas story as a family with our Advent wreath lit up if we are home....It should be neat.
Anyhow...that's the Christmas scoop with us. Hope you all are blessed and Merry Christmas.
~Shannon
Anyhow, I was buying a stocking for Juliette and in my mind was feeling really conflicted about not having stockings for the other babies. So I bought a whole bunch of stockings...even for Chris and I....6 total big ones and two little ones for Izzi and Anni. I wrote names out in glitter glue and they are hung on the mantle over our fire place. We talked about what to do with the stockings of Samantha, Dominic, and Noah....Just read ironically on Faith, Hope, and Joy blog that Jenn is doing something similar. We had decided to write notes to each of the babies. Then the next year we can pull out the notes and read them. As Juliette gets older, she can draw pics and then write notes too....We can leave them in the stockings. In addition, each of us will get one small present from Samantha, Dominic and Noah. It will be kind of a special reminder of our precious babies. In addition, I have an ornament for Noah but not Samantha or Dominic yet. This ornament will be something special we can put on the tree and remember them by every year. Noah's says: Noah Bug 2011, on the front, and on the back, He lives with Jesus. It's a little angelic looking boy with wings hanging from the moon. It's sweet. I cried when I put it on the tree yesterday. But we are looking forward to having our babies be part of our Christmas traditions.
We also are looking forward to putting Christ at the center of our holiday. We are going to do a Christ child gift instead of the Santa Claus thing. I'm going to have Chris build a little manger that can go under the tree and we can put a Christ child gift in it..which would be something like a Christian music CD or devotional or Bible or something with a Christian basis to it. This will be a neat family tradition.
Our last tradition is going to be a Christmas Eve one....Every year we will give Juliette a brand-new pair of PJs and a Christmas ornament. Then we will read the Christmas story as a family with our Advent wreath lit up if we are home....It should be neat.
Anyhow...that's the Christmas scoop with us. Hope you all are blessed and Merry Christmas.
~Shannon
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Story of Juliette Joia's birth
This is long overdue but better late than never. I want to share the awesome story of Juliette Joia's birth.
I am sure most of you know prior to our my precious daughter Juliette's birthday that Chris and I had lost three babies to miscarriage. That was the original start of this blog. It was devastating to us and I knew that this year, on September 21st, when the one year loss date of Samantha came up...that it would be hard.
September 20th came and I was very emotional. Chris and I pulled out all of Samantha's cards, clothes, things we'd made or written, and he sat with me and we talked about our babies and I cried while he held me. I knew that the next day would be difficult.
The 21st of September came and I had a very busy day at work. It had been a crazy week. I was exhausted and stressed. When I got home from work, I wasn't feeling well. I was 36.5 weeks pregnant so this wasn't absurd except for the fact that I noticed some strange things. I hadn't been swollen really at all and now my feet were the teensiest bit swollen. My head was hurting a bit and I just felt off. I asked Chris to check my blood pressure and it was high for me..not really high but in the 130s which was atypical for me. He suggested I call my midwives. The midwife on duty, Emily, asked us to come in. I did not expect to stay. However, upon arrival and a urine sample, protein showed up in my urine. Suddenly preelampsia was suspected. Instead of heading home and focusing on Samantha's life and loss, I was being admitted to the hospital with another precious little girl inside of me. I was terrified.
Two days later, we finally had the answer. After twenty four hours of checking for protein in the urine, it was determined that I did indeed have a mild case of preeclampsia and since I was almost 37 weeks along (which they'd consider full-term) that I needed to be induced. I freaked out. I was not ready for this baby to come out! I wanted 3-5 more weeks. This was not what we had planned. But then I had a realization.With all the miscarriages, I had felt so helpless. Wasn't there ANYTHING they could do to save the baby? Not that early, they couldn't. But now...this baby. They could save her! They could induce me. With prayer and support from friends and family, and especially the strenth of God, I managed to calm my fears and trust that things would go differently.
They said they'd induce me on Friday, September 23rd and it would take 48-72 hours. That didn't happen! It was busy in the hospital and I ended up being induced on Saturday, September 24th in the wee morning hours. It was under eight hours and labor was easy for me! Painful until I got my epidural but not terribly difficult because my body took off. I never even needed Pitocin. The cervical ripening agent caused labor to begin intensely and contractions took off. I went from 1 cm to 5 cms quite quickly and then a couple of hours passed and I was at 9 cm. The midwife said she'd come back shortly and we'd push. 10 cm arrived quickly and eight pushes later a head popped through and a body slid out. Daddy confirmed she was the little girl we'd been keeping a secret and then he cut her umbilical cord. Tiny 5 lb, 10 oz Juliette Joia was born on September 24th, 2011, just three days after her mom had been admitted to the hospital one year after finding out about the loss of her big sister, Samantha.
As I held this crying tiny baby girl, I was overwhelmed by so many feelings. First, pure and utterly intense love and responsibility filled my heart for this little one. Secondly, I whispered to my husband, as I cried, that I had finally and truly carried a child to term. That had been so important to me. And thirdly, how good God was to give us this baby...our rainbow baby, a rainbow after a year of so many storms. We had settled on the name Juliette, seeing it as a beautiful classic name. Joia was chosen because in English it's meaning is rejoicing. We had almost chosen Joy but it didn't ring right with Juliette and our last name, being Joy was too short. Joia seemed fitting because though we still grieve and miss our sweet children, Samantha, Dominic, and Noah, we were also filled with joy--inexpressible joy--at the precious gift of Juliette. God had turned our mourning into dancing and rejoicing and so Juliette Joia seemed fitting.
We called family and friends. We texted and updated Facebook. We were surrounded by so much love and joy and so many people celebrated with us at what God had done simply by giving us this miracle rainbow baby. One of my best friends, when told the news, cried with relief and joy. The grandparents, aunts and uncles, and other family members were thrilled. We were thrilled.
The amazing thing for me was how God on a very dark day for me has forever attached that day to a day of rejoicing. On September 21st, I will no longer only mourn and grieve for Samantha but I will always think of and rejoice in remembering that day was the beginning of the journey of Juliette's coming into the world. Ironically, something I didn't realize until October was another irony and blessing. Juliette's due date, had I not been induced, was to be October 15th, which is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Tell me that God wasn't sending a message that acknowledged our losses and hurts and giving us a precious gift in Juliette?! He most certainly was.
Our first few weeks have been special. Juliette was a tiny little thing, starting in preemie clothes. Even now at almost seven weeks, she is probably only just around eight pounds and still in her little newborn outfits. She struggled at first with gaining weight but once my milk was in and we had done a little supplementing, her appetite came on and she has been growing beautifully now. Breastfeeding has been an intense but wonderful experience. She's a beautiful little girl and has a very sweet temperament.
Pictures:
Juliette and myself right after birth...one of the best moments of my life.
Juliette around 2 weeks, very photogenic
Juliette around 5 weeks, so pretty in pink
I am sure most of you know prior to our my precious daughter Juliette's birthday that Chris and I had lost three babies to miscarriage. That was the original start of this blog. It was devastating to us and I knew that this year, on September 21st, when the one year loss date of Samantha came up...that it would be hard.
September 20th came and I was very emotional. Chris and I pulled out all of Samantha's cards, clothes, things we'd made or written, and he sat with me and we talked about our babies and I cried while he held me. I knew that the next day would be difficult.
The 21st of September came and I had a very busy day at work. It had been a crazy week. I was exhausted and stressed. When I got home from work, I wasn't feeling well. I was 36.5 weeks pregnant so this wasn't absurd except for the fact that I noticed some strange things. I hadn't been swollen really at all and now my feet were the teensiest bit swollen. My head was hurting a bit and I just felt off. I asked Chris to check my blood pressure and it was high for me..not really high but in the 130s which was atypical for me. He suggested I call my midwives. The midwife on duty, Emily, asked us to come in. I did not expect to stay. However, upon arrival and a urine sample, protein showed up in my urine. Suddenly preelampsia was suspected. Instead of heading home and focusing on Samantha's life and loss, I was being admitted to the hospital with another precious little girl inside of me. I was terrified.
Two days later, we finally had the answer. After twenty four hours of checking for protein in the urine, it was determined that I did indeed have a mild case of preeclampsia and since I was almost 37 weeks along (which they'd consider full-term) that I needed to be induced. I freaked out. I was not ready for this baby to come out! I wanted 3-5 more weeks. This was not what we had planned. But then I had a realization.With all the miscarriages, I had felt so helpless. Wasn't there ANYTHING they could do to save the baby? Not that early, they couldn't. But now...this baby. They could save her! They could induce me. With prayer and support from friends and family, and especially the strenth of God, I managed to calm my fears and trust that things would go differently.
They said they'd induce me on Friday, September 23rd and it would take 48-72 hours. That didn't happen! It was busy in the hospital and I ended up being induced on Saturday, September 24th in the wee morning hours. It was under eight hours and labor was easy for me! Painful until I got my epidural but not terribly difficult because my body took off. I never even needed Pitocin. The cervical ripening agent caused labor to begin intensely and contractions took off. I went from 1 cm to 5 cms quite quickly and then a couple of hours passed and I was at 9 cm. The midwife said she'd come back shortly and we'd push. 10 cm arrived quickly and eight pushes later a head popped through and a body slid out. Daddy confirmed she was the little girl we'd been keeping a secret and then he cut her umbilical cord. Tiny 5 lb, 10 oz Juliette Joia was born on September 24th, 2011, just three days after her mom had been admitted to the hospital one year after finding out about the loss of her big sister, Samantha.
As I held this crying tiny baby girl, I was overwhelmed by so many feelings. First, pure and utterly intense love and responsibility filled my heart for this little one. Secondly, I whispered to my husband, as I cried, that I had finally and truly carried a child to term. That had been so important to me. And thirdly, how good God was to give us this baby...our rainbow baby, a rainbow after a year of so many storms. We had settled on the name Juliette, seeing it as a beautiful classic name. Joia was chosen because in English it's meaning is rejoicing. We had almost chosen Joy but it didn't ring right with Juliette and our last name, being Joy was too short. Joia seemed fitting because though we still grieve and miss our sweet children, Samantha, Dominic, and Noah, we were also filled with joy--inexpressible joy--at the precious gift of Juliette. God had turned our mourning into dancing and rejoicing and so Juliette Joia seemed fitting.
We called family and friends. We texted and updated Facebook. We were surrounded by so much love and joy and so many people celebrated with us at what God had done simply by giving us this miracle rainbow baby. One of my best friends, when told the news, cried with relief and joy. The grandparents, aunts and uncles, and other family members were thrilled. We were thrilled.
The amazing thing for me was how God on a very dark day for me has forever attached that day to a day of rejoicing. On September 21st, I will no longer only mourn and grieve for Samantha but I will always think of and rejoice in remembering that day was the beginning of the journey of Juliette's coming into the world. Ironically, something I didn't realize until October was another irony and blessing. Juliette's due date, had I not been induced, was to be October 15th, which is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Tell me that God wasn't sending a message that acknowledged our losses and hurts and giving us a precious gift in Juliette?! He most certainly was.
Our first few weeks have been special. Juliette was a tiny little thing, starting in preemie clothes. Even now at almost seven weeks, she is probably only just around eight pounds and still in her little newborn outfits. She struggled at first with gaining weight but once my milk was in and we had done a little supplementing, her appetite came on and she has been growing beautifully now. Breastfeeding has been an intense but wonderful experience. She's a beautiful little girl and has a very sweet temperament.
Pictures:
Juliette and myself right after birth...one of the best moments of my life. Juliette around 2 weeks, very photogenic Juliette around 5 weeks, so pretty in pink
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Juliette is here!
I am happy to announce that at the end of September, our precious daughter arrived....Juliette Joia entered the world on September 24th, three weeks earlier than her due date after some quickly progressing complications ensued. But baby was fine and I am fine and Chris and I are blessed! We so love this precious little girl to pieces and we are absolutely thrilled that she is finally here. She is healthy, beautiful, and beloved. More to come on her story of being welcomed to this world!
Thank you all for your prayers!
S
Thank you all for your prayers!
S
Changing my mind/Keeping the blog
This blog has been such a blessing to me....I have changed my mind and decided to keep it open but....probably will not write in it as often.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
This blog
So....due to the fact that I want some more privacy in writing, I will no longer be using this blog. I will leave it here for myself to go back and see the journey of the past year....but I may be writing privately elsewhere eventually and keeping it out of view of the public eye. I need a place away from the world. I will likely only share it with a few people. Thank you to all who have read and offered support!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Next Wednesday
Next Wednesday is Samantha's one year loss....and I'm not sure how I'm going to get through it....I am really struggling. It's gotten harder and harder suddenly...It started Saturday...and then yesterday, I tried to disconnect...but today, I am really teary...and it feels like it just happened. Just a moment ago, she was inside of me...and we were watching her heartbeat...and a few weeks flew by and then I was bleeding, helplessly watching an ultrasound that showed a darling tiny baby....that was no longer alive.
This little one that is inside of me right now....is jumping and hopping and full of life and joy it seems. And I'm so grateful.
But I miss Samantha, Dominic, and Noah......and especially Samantha right now. My first baby. And what a journey it was in those 13 weeks.
Jesus, hold me tight. And God, I know....you've reminded me...that you lost your Son...and you get it. I know you do.
Sometimes I feel so alone.
~Shannon
This little one that is inside of me right now....is jumping and hopping and full of life and joy it seems. And I'm so grateful.
But I miss Samantha, Dominic, and Noah......and especially Samantha right now. My first baby. And what a journey it was in those 13 weeks.
Jesus, hold me tight. And God, I know....you've reminded me...that you lost your Son...and you get it. I know you do.
Sometimes I feel so alone.
~Shannon
Friday, September 9, 2011
We are getting there
We are almost 35 weeks along. Crazy? Baby is kicking like mad.
Struggling emotionally....Samantha's loss anniversary is creeping up--9/21.....
And that's hard.
And Dominic would be a teensy guy...born in August if all had gone well......
And Noah's would be due in the next week or so.
But we have Baby Sprout and he/she is coming.
Just mixed feelings.
I have the best therapist in the world. I had mentioned to J that I wanted to purchase the book "Someone Came Before You"....she bought it and gave it to me last night. It's a great way to tell your little ones about the person who was there before them.
Three someones came before you, baby.......
So things are good on the friendship scene:
Meeting two awesome friends for dinner/maybe a movie/shopping tonight. Sunday, we get received as members in our new church followed by a potluck lunch....Monday, coffee with a friend from my support group...and lunch with another friend. And next Saturday, a day out again with a different friend! I am blessed to say that after been here for four years, I have finally made some great friends who are supportive and understanding and that I can enjoy spending time with them. Chris and I decided it was good for me to spend as much time with friends right now, before baby comes, to strengthen my support network and prepare me emotionally---as well as keep me connected to them since things will be a little chaotic at first!
This last week I started an awesome Bible study......on Jonah and seeing life's interruptions as God's divine interventions. BEAUTIFUL. It's going to be a blessing. I'm enjoying studying the Word with 40-45 other women through our new church.....
Anyhow, a long rambling post...but there's my life!
~Shannon
Struggling emotionally....Samantha's loss anniversary is creeping up--9/21.....
And that's hard.
And Dominic would be a teensy guy...born in August if all had gone well......
And Noah's would be due in the next week or so.
But we have Baby Sprout and he/she is coming.
Just mixed feelings.
I have the best therapist in the world. I had mentioned to J that I wanted to purchase the book "Someone Came Before You"....she bought it and gave it to me last night. It's a great way to tell your little ones about the person who was there before them.
Three someones came before you, baby.......
So things are good on the friendship scene:
Meeting two awesome friends for dinner/maybe a movie/shopping tonight. Sunday, we get received as members in our new church followed by a potluck lunch....Monday, coffee with a friend from my support group...and lunch with another friend. And next Saturday, a day out again with a different friend! I am blessed to say that after been here for four years, I have finally made some great friends who are supportive and understanding and that I can enjoy spending time with them. Chris and I decided it was good for me to spend as much time with friends right now, before baby comes, to strengthen my support network and prepare me emotionally---as well as keep me connected to them since things will be a little chaotic at first!
This last week I started an awesome Bible study......on Jonah and seeing life's interruptions as God's divine interventions. BEAUTIFUL. It's going to be a blessing. I'm enjoying studying the Word with 40-45 other women through our new church.....
Anyhow, a long rambling post...but there's my life!
~Shannon
Saturday, August 27, 2011
33 weeks
33 weeks.
I am tired of being sick.
Today I threw up again unexpectedly. I have been averaging few hours of a sleep.
And then add to that a cold...yep a summertime cold. My throat hurts, my head hurts...and I can't breathe.
My body is tired.
Oh well.........
But then the baby kicks me and I remind myself that this will all be worth it...I love baby...we've had some good bonding in the past couple of days!
But by the time I am done here, I will have been pregnant for most of 16 months....with four different children. Talk about emotionally and physically draining, especially when three of those were losses resulting in physical shifts and mega emotional draining.....and all of them, with the current one being the longest, were marked with more than the average amount of nausea/vomiting, heartburn, and discomforts.
7 weeks to go.
Thank goodness I have the best husband in the world. He can read me when I feel guilty about not having energy to make dinner...and he becomes enthusiastic about taking care of me. I think we are both so relieved that this baby is doing well that it makes it possible to get through the discomforts!
And...our Preparing For Labor and Delivery course has started. We have three sessions left---had the first one this week. And it was wonderful! Who knew how intimate an experience it would be to go through childbirth together? Probably those who have done it...I didn't realize how intensely we would go through this together and I realize now that childbirth will tie us together even more...as well as parenting!! Wow....The things I learn.
Stressed emotionally....having some stress as we anticipate the one year loss of Samantha. It's hard because everything is coming back to me...and I keep having flashbacks of the ultrasound, the D&C, being at the hospital. They say that with anniversaries of losses, the time before it, leading up to the day of and the day of are often the hardest...so I know that this is typical. But it's still hard. She's be almost five months old. Five months. How much I have missed out on...and how much more I will miss.
And yet, we wouldn't have this baby...Our rainbow baby. We prayed God would give us a child we wouldn't have had otherwise....and it looks that He will. How can we question His will? He is so good.
But still the feelings are there...they are confusing.
~Shannon
I am tired of being sick.
Today I threw up again unexpectedly. I have been averaging few hours of a sleep.
And then add to that a cold...yep a summertime cold. My throat hurts, my head hurts...and I can't breathe.
My body is tired.
Oh well.........
But then the baby kicks me and I remind myself that this will all be worth it...I love baby...we've had some good bonding in the past couple of days!
But by the time I am done here, I will have been pregnant for most of 16 months....with four different children. Talk about emotionally and physically draining, especially when three of those were losses resulting in physical shifts and mega emotional draining.....and all of them, with the current one being the longest, were marked with more than the average amount of nausea/vomiting, heartburn, and discomforts.
7 weeks to go.
Thank goodness I have the best husband in the world. He can read me when I feel guilty about not having energy to make dinner...and he becomes enthusiastic about taking care of me. I think we are both so relieved that this baby is doing well that it makes it possible to get through the discomforts!
And...our Preparing For Labor and Delivery course has started. We have three sessions left---had the first one this week. And it was wonderful! Who knew how intimate an experience it would be to go through childbirth together? Probably those who have done it...I didn't realize how intensely we would go through this together and I realize now that childbirth will tie us together even more...as well as parenting!! Wow....The things I learn.
Stressed emotionally....having some stress as we anticipate the one year loss of Samantha. It's hard because everything is coming back to me...and I keep having flashbacks of the ultrasound, the D&C, being at the hospital. They say that with anniversaries of losses, the time before it, leading up to the day of and the day of are often the hardest...so I know that this is typical. But it's still hard. She's be almost five months old. Five months. How much I have missed out on...and how much more I will miss.
And yet, we wouldn't have this baby...Our rainbow baby. We prayed God would give us a child we wouldn't have had otherwise....and it looks that He will. How can we question His will? He is so good.
But still the feelings are there...they are confusing.
~Shannon
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Haven't written much
I haven't written much lately. I have used a lot of different outlets lately for communicating and was blessed to spend last weekend with family and especially friends I hadn't seen in awhile. My best friends were so good about listening and we had heart to hearts...and my sister and mom have been available to chat regularly..and Chris and I got to talk for a nice long time on the car ride to my family's and back....So....blogging has not been a need lately! I will have some upcoming coffee dates...and I'm certain those will bless me too....just to share one on one!
But almost 33 weeks pregnant and getting kicked hard...and that is good! But bittersweet...but good!
~Shannon
But almost 33 weeks pregnant and getting kicked hard...and that is good! But bittersweet...but good!
~Shannon
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
30.5
30.5 weeks along.
I haven't really been feeling like writing in the blog lately. I have been more chatting with close friends about how I'm feeling, what's going on, etc. But....I figured I should write something.
30.5 weeks. More than 3/4s.......
That's awesome. But MIXED feelings.
~Shannon
I haven't really been feeling like writing in the blog lately. I have been more chatting with close friends about how I'm feeling, what's going on, etc. But....I figured I should write something.
30.5 weeks. More than 3/4s.......
That's awesome. But MIXED feelings.
~Shannon
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Expectations
Perhaps we, as humans, set our expectations too high.
Sometimes I expect things to go so easily...that when they get complex, I question why.
Why?
Well....
Quite honestly, why not?
I am in a position right now where there are some things to be worked out and some info Chris and I are waiting for.....and I know that if it doesn't go smoothly, I will question why!? But really, Shannon, why not? Life can go either way and God need not explain.
Patience is a virtue!
~Shannon
Sometimes I expect things to go so easily...that when they get complex, I question why.
Why?
Well....
Quite honestly, why not?
I am in a position right now where there are some things to be worked out and some info Chris and I are waiting for.....and I know that if it doesn't go smoothly, I will question why!? But really, Shannon, why not? Life can go either way and God need not explain.
Patience is a virtue!
~Shannon
Friday, July 29, 2011
True spiritual growth
This past year I have experienced some true spiritual growth.
How do I know this?
Because even though it's often a process....I am now able to say with confidence and faith "not my will but Yours be done."
I wish I hadn't had to learn it the hard way. But oh, what peace it has given me!
~Shannon
How do I know this?
Because even though it's often a process....I am now able to say with confidence and faith "not my will but Yours be done."
I wish I hadn't had to learn it the hard way. But oh, what peace it has given me!
~Shannon
Prayer
Dear Lord,
I believe Phillipians 4:13. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Even things I don't WANT to do. I know this is true. Maybe.....if you wanted to.....you could stop stretching me and growing me for a little bit? But if you don't want to, that's okay too. I am your child, I am your servant, and I love what you do for me. I know you are with me always....even when I feel alone. I love you, Lord. I love that you love me...and I am content to live my life according to your will. But I do feel overwhelmed sometimes. But Lord, I trust you....I know your promises are always kept and that you will never leave me or let me down. For that I am so grateful. I am so blessed.
Love,
Shannon
I believe Phillipians 4:13. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Even things I don't WANT to do. I know this is true. Maybe.....if you wanted to.....you could stop stretching me and growing me for a little bit? But if you don't want to, that's okay too. I am your child, I am your servant, and I love what you do for me. I know you are with me always....even when I feel alone. I love you, Lord. I love that you love me...and I am content to live my life according to your will. But I do feel overwhelmed sometimes. But Lord, I trust you....I know your promises are always kept and that you will never leave me or let me down. For that I am so grateful. I am so blessed.
Love,
Shannon
Thursday, July 28, 2011
I think this baby is going to come home
I woke up in the middle of the night and cried last night. Quietly...so I wouldn't wake Chris up. I cried tears of joy and still tears of grief. I woke up to baby moving and in my head....I thought 'I think this baby is going to come home.' And it scared me and filled me with joy and then hurt so badly because I missed Samantha, Dominic, and Noah terribly. Talk about mixed feelings.
I'm thrilled to be almost 29 weeks pregnant. Truly I am. I am so grateful that God answered my prayer for a rainbow baby. An especially bright rainbow baby, after not one, not two, but three losses. I asked if I could be pregnant with a baby we could keep by the time Samantha's due date rolled around...and when April 3rd came around, I had been pregnant with this child for weeks already. Talk about how blessed I am! And how blessed I am to know that when I get to heaven, that my other children will be there....Chris and I talk about that and more recently, my dear best friend J, and I talk about it a lot too. I am so grateful for all of that. But...
It still hurts. My arms still feel empty. My best friends R and S have little babies and I can't help but wonder what Samantha would be like. Dominic would be due in August---I'd be so close. Noah in September. And I am missing those milestones and can't hold those children. It's totally mixed feelings, totally mega mixed feelings.
So I cried last night......tears of joy and tears of grief. I am so blessed but blessings can never erase scars they can only soothe them as best they can. And I am grateful that God has offered some healing balm in this child that kicks and lives strongly inside of me.
I think this baby is going to come home in October. I shouldn't doubt God because He told me months ago that he/she would...but I have such little faith sometimes.
And even though this baby will come home....he/she can never replace my other three. I love them all equally and dearly.
But I do look forward to holding this child in my arms. Until then...I'll pat my stomach, call my sweet little one by name, and pray for this child that God has blessed us with.
God, you are so good. Even when it hurts.
~Shannon
I'm thrilled to be almost 29 weeks pregnant. Truly I am. I am so grateful that God answered my prayer for a rainbow baby. An especially bright rainbow baby, after not one, not two, but three losses. I asked if I could be pregnant with a baby we could keep by the time Samantha's due date rolled around...and when April 3rd came around, I had been pregnant with this child for weeks already. Talk about how blessed I am! And how blessed I am to know that when I get to heaven, that my other children will be there....Chris and I talk about that and more recently, my dear best friend J, and I talk about it a lot too. I am so grateful for all of that. But...
It still hurts. My arms still feel empty. My best friends R and S have little babies and I can't help but wonder what Samantha would be like. Dominic would be due in August---I'd be so close. Noah in September. And I am missing those milestones and can't hold those children. It's totally mixed feelings, totally mega mixed feelings.
So I cried last night......tears of joy and tears of grief. I am so blessed but blessings can never erase scars they can only soothe them as best they can. And I am grateful that God has offered some healing balm in this child that kicks and lives strongly inside of me.
I think this baby is going to come home in October. I shouldn't doubt God because He told me months ago that he/she would...but I have such little faith sometimes.
And even though this baby will come home....he/she can never replace my other three. I love them all equally and dearly.
But I do look forward to holding this child in my arms. Until then...I'll pat my stomach, call my sweet little one by name, and pray for this child that God has blessed us with.
God, you are so good. Even when it hurts.
~Shannon
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
So Many Things!
So I'm just going to write this in chunks....because I don't think I can make it flow 'prettily'!
1. My due date is now October 15th. Long story but they miscalculated it early on and someone decided it should be October 18th. I am fine with going off the 'true' what woulda been 'original' calculation of October 15th. That'll make me have three days less to wait! So I am currently 28.5 weeks along---officially in my third trimester.
2. My maternity leave plan has been worked out for work so that is good.
3.We are working on figuring out our birthing plan--but ahh! There are so many details....but it is coming along. Figuring out pain relief, breastfeeding, baby staying in room or nursery, etc. etc. etc.
4. We are figuring out what we want to do for the labor/delivery...At this point, we know that it will be just Chris and myself present unless I change my mind. But we have to figure out visitors, positions I want, etc. etc. etc. (sounds kind of like number 3, right?)
5. Finishing up the baby room...This will get easier after showers happen probably. Looking forward to celebrating all this baby jazz!
6. Transferring church memberships...thank goodness we have clarity and blessing about where we are going and what we are doing but it's just a process now.
7. Enjoying our last few weeks without a baby. We will try to squeeze in some special dates and enjoy some time together.
8. And there's some more serious stuff going on, but we are trusting God to bring us through that....as He has thus far!
That's our story and we're stickin' to it.
Shannon
1. My due date is now October 15th. Long story but they miscalculated it early on and someone decided it should be October 18th. I am fine with going off the 'true' what woulda been 'original' calculation of October 15th. That'll make me have three days less to wait! So I am currently 28.5 weeks along---officially in my third trimester.
2. My maternity leave plan has been worked out for work so that is good.
3.We are working on figuring out our birthing plan--but ahh! There are so many details....but it is coming along. Figuring out pain relief, breastfeeding, baby staying in room or nursery, etc. etc. etc.
4. We are figuring out what we want to do for the labor/delivery...At this point, we know that it will be just Chris and myself present unless I change my mind. But we have to figure out visitors, positions I want, etc. etc. etc. (sounds kind of like number 3, right?)
5. Finishing up the baby room...This will get easier after showers happen probably. Looking forward to celebrating all this baby jazz!
6. Transferring church memberships...thank goodness we have clarity and blessing about where we are going and what we are doing but it's just a process now.
7. Enjoying our last few weeks without a baby. We will try to squeeze in some special dates and enjoy some time together.
8. And there's some more serious stuff going on, but we are trusting God to bring us through that....as He has thus far!
That's our story and we're stickin' to it.
Shannon
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Please keep me in your prayers
Please keep me and our little one in your prayers. We have some decisions to make this week. We are probably switching doctors. This isn't something I really want to talk about....only to say that it was not part of the original plan. We believe everything is going okay with this baby...but....still nervous anyhow!
That's okay. God can work with Plan B...even though we didn't want to switch doctors and deal with some of this stuff.
Also, the eating disorder has been rough on my mind lately. Please keep that in your prayers. I want to be a good mom to this baby. I need to have my priorities straight and lately...well, I don't want to go there. But it's been bad and it's been hard.
Keep in mind, none of this is stuff I really want to talk about. lol....if I want to talk about it, I'll let you know, but if for now, you could just pray for us...that would be great.
That's okay. God can work with Plan B...even though we didn't want to switch doctors and deal with some of this stuff.
Also, the eating disorder has been rough on my mind lately. Please keep that in your prayers. I want to be a good mom to this baby. I need to have my priorities straight and lately...well, I don't want to go there. But it's been bad and it's been hard.
Keep in mind, none of this is stuff I really want to talk about. lol....if I want to talk about it, I'll let you know, but if for now, you could just pray for us...that would be great.
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