I am struggling but there's one thought that I am trying to keep my mind focused on in my most difficult emotional moments. That thought is that the most important baby of all came at Christmas time to save all of mankind from this painful, sinful, despairing world we live in. That most important baby is Jesus and He is our Son of God and for that I can never be more thankful. I am so indebted to my Heavenly Father. What a good God He is.
My baby Samantha and my other little one who now lives with Jesus were important. They are important. But they are not the most important. Nor am I most important. Nor my desires or pleasures. My wants or even my needs. What and who is most important is Jesus.
~Shannon
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
ticked off
So I don't want to even admit this but today I am angry and jealous....
Good thing I know that my God is big enough to take this.....
I feel very alone today.
~Shannon
Good thing I know that my God is big enough to take this.....
I feel very alone today.
~Shannon
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Until
Until you've had a miscarriage or lost a child yourself, you can never fully understand how badly the loss of your baby hurts. I had absolutely no idea that having a miscarriage was something so difficult to get through....
Don't get me wrong, each day gets a little easier, but it's still so hard. I have had my struggles in life. Oh, I have had plenty of downs but never anything like this. Chris agreed with me when I said this was the most difficult thing I had ever been through or that 'we' had been through. Total agreement there.
It hurts...there's no getting around it.
But God never wastes a hurt, right? I truly do believe that.
Waiting on you, Lord...
~Shannon
Don't get me wrong, each day gets a little easier, but it's still so hard. I have had my struggles in life. Oh, I have had plenty of downs but never anything like this. Chris agreed with me when I said this was the most difficult thing I had ever been through or that 'we' had been through. Total agreement there.
It hurts...there's no getting around it.
But God never wastes a hurt, right? I truly do believe that.
Waiting on you, Lord...
~Shannon
When a baby cries
When a baby cries....my heart stops. And I'm wishing it were mine. My Samantha. But she's in the arms of Jesus and not still inside of me. And I still feel cheated, wishing with all my heart that I could have the blessing of joyful ultrasounds and her tender kicks and being able to sing to her. It's really a struggle. I am trying so hard...........
My therapist J says that the baby crying aggravating me is normal...but it's still hard.
Today I feel like I am sliding back into the dark But I don't feel so dismal as I did at one point in time. At least this time, I believe and know that there is light on the other side of this dark tunnel.....
~Shannon
My therapist J says that the baby crying aggravating me is normal...but it's still hard.
Today I feel like I am sliding back into the dark But I don't feel so dismal as I did at one point in time. At least this time, I believe and know that there is light on the other side of this dark tunnel.....
~Shannon
Bleeding and feeling crappy
So I am still bleeding.Quite heavily. I have never bled like this before. I feel pretty lousy too. I am attesting my dizziness and paleness to having to change my pad every hour and a half. I believe in Human Sexuality in college I learned that you should go in if your bleeding ends up needing a pad or tampon change every hour or less. I'm praying this doesn't get that bad. It's a terribly out of control feeling. Chris told me last night if it got much worse, I have to go in. My abdomen is now spasming ish.....I don't know how to explain it. I keep drinking glasses of water because I know when it looks like you are losing blood that you are also losing fluids so I am at least trying to control what I can. I hate doctors so I REALLY don't want to go in.
The only good thing about feeling lousy is that I don't have the energy to be emotionally wracked which is good. I am just really stressed and exhausted........
Shannon
The only good thing about feeling lousy is that I don't have the energy to be emotionally wracked which is good. I am just really stressed and exhausted........
Shannon
Monday, December 6, 2010
Rough spots
It's been kind of a disappointing day. I talked to my best friend J (It's convenient that my five best friends all have different first intials) and that was a blessing. But she was encouraging and we had a relatively hilarious conversation.
But here's the deal, I think I had a very early miscarriage. My period was late and it is never late. It wasn't even late from the D&C---only about 4.5 weeks post D&C. But now we are on day 45 since my last period. Normally, I am on a 30 day cycle so we're saying it's been over six weeks since I started my last period. I did not have a positive pregnancy test but I felt pregnant. I had the EXACT same symptoms I had with Samantha and then slowly the nausea and sore breasts were gone again. I felt pregnant for about 2.5 weeks. Then I thought maybe I am not pregnant. Now, on day 45, significantly late (I have never had a late or missed period ever!!! Except when I was pregnant!) I am having bleeding like I have never had before and the blood is different. It is stringier and seems thicker like there's a little tissue in it. It's more like the bleeding I had the night before the D&C. My lower back and stomach have been slightly crampy for the past week...which is also weird. Couple that with the fact that I have ALWAYS and I MEAN ALWAYS, even my last period, after the D&C, been extremely emotional right before my period comes! This time I was not at all emotional. Even right now, I don't feel as emotionally wrecked as I usually do on my period. Granted, I am on an antidepressant but still...........I am upset about the fact that I feel as though I was pregnant. We also had TONS of sex....no protection...but that's all I want to say about that....
So today, that's what came on. While playing anesthesiologist to the surgeon, I had to go to the bathroom only to find this different, not so normal, period. That's a bummer.
Also, this past weekend I got an interesting phone call. Remember that friend that hadn't called me at all since I called her about the miscarriage??? She called FOR THE FIRST TIME and left a voicemail that basically said she just wanted to tell me she found out she was having a girl! Didn't wait for me to call her back or ask me how I was doing....none of that. I found it very self-centered and was frustrated. My best friends R and S are both preggo and they have handled this really well.
So that's my life right now. I had a really blessed weekend though and for that I am thankful.
~Shannon
But here's the deal, I think I had a very early miscarriage. My period was late and it is never late. It wasn't even late from the D&C---only about 4.5 weeks post D&C. But now we are on day 45 since my last period. Normally, I am on a 30 day cycle so we're saying it's been over six weeks since I started my last period. I did not have a positive pregnancy test but I felt pregnant. I had the EXACT same symptoms I had with Samantha and then slowly the nausea and sore breasts were gone again. I felt pregnant for about 2.5 weeks. Then I thought maybe I am not pregnant. Now, on day 45, significantly late (I have never had a late or missed period ever!!! Except when I was pregnant!) I am having bleeding like I have never had before and the blood is different. It is stringier and seems thicker like there's a little tissue in it. It's more like the bleeding I had the night before the D&C. My lower back and stomach have been slightly crampy for the past week...which is also weird. Couple that with the fact that I have ALWAYS and I MEAN ALWAYS, even my last period, after the D&C, been extremely emotional right before my period comes! This time I was not at all emotional. Even right now, I don't feel as emotionally wrecked as I usually do on my period. Granted, I am on an antidepressant but still...........I am upset about the fact that I feel as though I was pregnant. We also had TONS of sex....no protection...but that's all I want to say about that....
So today, that's what came on. While playing anesthesiologist to the surgeon, I had to go to the bathroom only to find this different, not so normal, period. That's a bummer.
Also, this past weekend I got an interesting phone call. Remember that friend that hadn't called me at all since I called her about the miscarriage??? She called FOR THE FIRST TIME and left a voicemail that basically said she just wanted to tell me she found out she was having a girl! Didn't wait for me to call her back or ask me how I was doing....none of that. I found it very self-centered and was frustrated. My best friends R and S are both preggo and they have handled this really well.
So that's my life right now. I had a really blessed weekend though and for that I am thankful.
~Shannon
Friday, December 3, 2010
Eating disorder update
Well, I just realized that it's been just over four months since the last time I gave into the temptations the eating disorder. Four months. At one point, I didn't think I could make it a day. Thank you, God, for giving me Samantha to teach and help me. What an incredible blessing her life was to us for the short time she was here. My biggest fear though is that I hurt her because my body was in bad shape from the eating disorder. I hope and pray that my choices were not the cause of her death. That's something that I still have in the back of my mind. But I leave it in God's hands.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Even it you didn't mean for it to, it still hurt
I have been thinking a lot about my post the other day in which I felt distanced from a pregnant friend. I am slightly frustrated about the situation. At first, I feel guilty for feeling upset. But then I realize that whether or not she meant to upset me, it still hurts...
Which reminds me that whether or not we mean to hurt someone, sometimes it happens anyway.
Shannon
Which reminds me that whether or not we mean to hurt someone, sometimes it happens anyway.
Shannon
Baby pics
A 13 week old baby (I was about 13 weeks along when I found I had miscarried....)
This is a 9 week old in-utero baby (I don't like to call it a fetus) which is the size Samantha measured in at.
Anyhow, do you see the tiny detailed features? They are lovely and beautiful and human! My little Samantha was certainly a person.
~Shannon
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Dear Samantha
Dear Samantha,
Today your Mommy is having a happy day. I can think about you without crying and I consider that pure joy. But don't think that Mommy and Daddy don't miss you. We do. We talk about you every day. We share how much we love you and how much we miss you. Today I listened to Lonestar's song 'Not A Day Goes By' and I was reminded again that not a day has passed where you have not been on my mind and my heart. I love you so much.
Right now, we are praying for God to bring us your brother or sister. It makes me a little sad that you won't be here to play with them and grow up with them but we are trusting God's will. However, it is our full intent to raise them so they know Jesus Christ as their Savior and will be joining you someday in heaven. It'll be an awesome family reunion.
Today I think about how far along I would have been. Someone I know just had a baby. A beautiful little girl. I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to deliver you, hold you, and look into your eyes for the first time. I think people think that miscarriage makes it easier but I crave just one minute with you. Because I lose you so early, I have no tangible memories. That's the hardest part. I can't wait until I finally hold you.
Samantha, tell Jesus how much Mommy loves him! He's the best friend of all and He's even better than I am to be with. So while I miss you, I know that you are safe and secure.
I love you with all my heart and I always will.
~Mommy
Jesus, if you can share with Samantha, please do. Tell her we love her. It is pure joy that she was given to us even though her loss created sorrow. We wouldn't have had it any other way because we believe this is your will.
~Shannon
Today your Mommy is having a happy day. I can think about you without crying and I consider that pure joy. But don't think that Mommy and Daddy don't miss you. We do. We talk about you every day. We share how much we love you and how much we miss you. Today I listened to Lonestar's song 'Not A Day Goes By' and I was reminded again that not a day has passed where you have not been on my mind and my heart. I love you so much.
Right now, we are praying for God to bring us your brother or sister. It makes me a little sad that you won't be here to play with them and grow up with them but we are trusting God's will. However, it is our full intent to raise them so they know Jesus Christ as their Savior and will be joining you someday in heaven. It'll be an awesome family reunion.
Today I think about how far along I would have been. Someone I know just had a baby. A beautiful little girl. I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to deliver you, hold you, and look into your eyes for the first time. I think people think that miscarriage makes it easier but I crave just one minute with you. Because I lose you so early, I have no tangible memories. That's the hardest part. I can't wait until I finally hold you.
Samantha, tell Jesus how much Mommy loves him! He's the best friend of all and He's even better than I am to be with. So while I miss you, I know that you are safe and secure.
I love you with all my heart and I always will.
~Mommy
Jesus, if you can share with Samantha, please do. Tell her we love her. It is pure joy that she was given to us even though her loss created sorrow. We wouldn't have had it any other way because we believe this is your will.
~Shannon
Distanced because I miscarried?
There is one person in my life that I am frustrated with. She's not one of my best friends. She's not part of our family. But she was one of my close friends and she is also pregnant. When we were both pregnant, it was great. Since I had the miscarriage, she's distanced herself from me. She's the only one who has done that. I can't decide if it's because she doesn't want my pain to contaminate her joy or if she doesn't want to her joy to increase my pain by talking to me. I'm not sure. The thing is two of my very best friends are pregnant and they have been fantastic about the whole thing. They have shared with me but also empathized with my pain and yet, I have been delighted and able to rejoice with them over the little people growing inside of them! What a blessing life is! Anyhow, I just thought about this today and I got a wee bit frustrated. I know, I know, you are probably thinking I shouldn't let it get to me....and I'm not! But I needed to vent and this is MY blog (lol) so I decided this was the place to do it.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Monday, November 29, 2010
Joy
I have been really reflective today. I have also been filled with peace and joy. God is so good. I love that I can feel His healing.
Today, I have been reflecting on Mary's visit to Elizabeth and Mary's song. These accounts in Luke are particularly touching to me this year and I think it's because of my experience with Samantha Peep. We focused on them yesterday in church and they have just spoken tremendously to me.
From Luke 1: 39-56:
Mary Visits Elizabeth
39 At that time Mary got ready and hurried to a town in the hill country of Judea, 40 where she entered Zechariah’s home and greeted Elizabeth. 41 When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. 42 In a loud voice she exclaimed: “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! 43 But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? 44 As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. 45 Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!”
Mary’s Song
46 And Mary said:
“My soul glorifies the Lord
47 and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48 for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
49 for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
50 His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
51 He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
52 He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
53 He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
54 He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
55 to Abraham and his descendants forever,
just as he promised our ancestors.”
56 Mary stayed with Elizabeth for about three months and then returned home.
I read such joy in Mary's song. She is filled with the joy of the Lord and as I read what she proclaims, I find that of course she is filled with such joy! The Lord is good! He is faithful and awesome. He keeps His promises. Why not praise Him? Mary is not afraid because of being an unwed mother or her responsibilities. She is content to praise our Lord. Now, I don't come from a Catholic background and I don't believe that Mary is sinless but in the same way, I have learned from Job, I am learning from Mary how to fear, revere, and rejoice in the Lord.
God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good!
~Shannon
Today, I have been reflecting on Mary's visit to Elizabeth and Mary's song. These accounts in Luke are particularly touching to me this year and I think it's because of my experience with Samantha Peep. We focused on them yesterday in church and they have just spoken tremendously to me.
From Luke 1: 39-56:
Mary Visits Elizabeth
39 At that time Mary got ready and hurried to a town in the hill country of Judea, 40 where she entered Zechariah’s home and greeted Elizabeth. 41 When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. 42 In a loud voice she exclaimed: “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! 43 But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? 44 As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. 45 Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!”
Mary’s Song
46 And Mary said:
“My soul glorifies the Lord
47 and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48 for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
49 for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
50 His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
51 He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
52 He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
53 He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
54 He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
55 to Abraham and his descendants forever,
just as he promised our ancestors.”
56 Mary stayed with Elizabeth for about three months and then returned home.
I read such joy in Mary's song. She is filled with the joy of the Lord and as I read what she proclaims, I find that of course she is filled with such joy! The Lord is good! He is faithful and awesome. He keeps His promises. Why not praise Him? Mary is not afraid because of being an unwed mother or her responsibilities. She is content to praise our Lord. Now, I don't come from a Catholic background and I don't believe that Mary is sinless but in the same way, I have learned from Job, I am learning from Mary how to fear, revere, and rejoice in the Lord.
God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good!
~Shannon
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thankful
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Today it is a struggle to be thankful but at the same time, it comes easy to be thankful when I reflect on the blessings that I have been given. I am loved by many, in the past year blessed by Samantha, and have been blessed by God's grace and mercy and eternal love. Could it be better than that? That's when I start to find myself being ungrateful. I want my baby! But I trust that God has truly taken care of all things and has kept His promise to provide for us and so I can't really be mad. I just can't. God is so good.
Last night, Chris and I celebrated. We enjoyed an awesome turkey breast roasted in the oven, green bean and corn casserole, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and jello (with mandarin oranges and marshmallows in it!) and it was neat for me to make our first "classic" holiday meal. We were pretty excited. Then we played Madden football on the PS2 and played Lions versus Colts. We were recreating the tradition my family has every year of watching the Lions on TV....losing! In true fashion, Chris and I lost to the Colts...Our phrase throughout the game was "It's okay that we are losing. We are the Lions. The Lions are SUPPOSED to lose. Happy Thanksgiving." He he....Good times. Then we started writing some music and lyrics together. It was pretty exciting when we actually kind of got some songs going. We are doing this just for fun as a spiritual worship creative activity that the two of us can engage in. It's neat though.
Today, I missed Samantha. I think it's hard for me not to be pregnant right now. With the celebratory nature of things around us, I want to be overjoyed. And don't get me wrong, I am blessed but I am still sad too! I suppose that is understandable. Yesterday, I heard an awesome reminder on K-love that Jesus was called a 'man of sorrows' and that He suffered many things. That reassured me. After all, I'm not grieving as one who is lost but grieving with hope. It is only human that I would miss my child.
Blessings and Happy Thanksgiving!
Shannon
Last night, Chris and I celebrated. We enjoyed an awesome turkey breast roasted in the oven, green bean and corn casserole, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and jello (with mandarin oranges and marshmallows in it!) and it was neat for me to make our first "classic" holiday meal. We were pretty excited. Then we played Madden football on the PS2 and played Lions versus Colts. We were recreating the tradition my family has every year of watching the Lions on TV....losing! In true fashion, Chris and I lost to the Colts...Our phrase throughout the game was "It's okay that we are losing. We are the Lions. The Lions are SUPPOSED to lose. Happy Thanksgiving." He he....Good times. Then we started writing some music and lyrics together. It was pretty exciting when we actually kind of got some songs going. We are doing this just for fun as a spiritual worship creative activity that the two of us can engage in. It's neat though.
Today, I missed Samantha. I think it's hard for me not to be pregnant right now. With the celebratory nature of things around us, I want to be overjoyed. And don't get me wrong, I am blessed but I am still sad too! I suppose that is understandable. Yesterday, I heard an awesome reminder on K-love that Jesus was called a 'man of sorrows' and that He suffered many things. That reassured me. After all, I'm not grieving as one who is lost but grieving with hope. It is only human that I would miss my child.
Blessings and Happy Thanksgiving!
Shannon
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Weekend of blessings
I am certain that I will write more about the past weekend in the next few days but right now, I want to say that God is so good and He truly blessed me on our trip to Nashville for the youth workers convention that Chris and I attended with three others from our church. First of all, B, D, and C are all fantastic Godly women. They are loving and sweet and awesome people! So I shouldn't have been nervous....but God truly blessed our time together and He blessed our conversation. I have to say that this weekend was very therapeutic for me. Here's some ways I was blessed:
1) Bonding...truly bonding with C, B, and D. B and D are my age too and that is such a blessing. I have been praying for godly women to come into my life that I could develop deep friendships with. This and they are truly an answer to my prayers and some of the prayers that my best friends prayed for me too.
2) Prayer. Oh my goodness, prayer. I spent so much time in God's presence this weekend and it was incredible. I walked through fifteen stations of the cross on a contemplative prayer journey. I checked out Taize (a monastic reflective worship style) worship which is an incredible contemplative meditation and prayer worship time. I did prayer through creative art and prayed in different body positions. It was a blessing to me to simply spend time God in many different ways but to simply focus on Him. I am seriously thinking about turning our basement into a prayer chapel. I think that it would be incredible to have a cozy and relaxing place to just purposefully go and spend time with Jesus. You know?
3) Worship. It. Was. Incredible. Starfield was the group that I liked the most in their style of leading worship. We poured out our hearts and really sang how much we just, quite simply, loved Jesus because He is awesome and incredible. When I worship, it's also a blessing to me to believe that Samantha is in the very presence of God and that she is worshipping Him too! I can't wait until heaven calls. When I am worshipping, I realize that is what I made to do. There's no other time I feel this way.
4) Marital growth. Chris and I had some really good, reflective talks and grew tremendously.
5) Laughter...oh the stories that I will laugh about for years!
Anyhow, that's all I have time to write about right now but it was a fantasmic weekend. God is so good. He is so faithful. D, B, C, and Chris, thank you being joyful, tender, healing balm to my wounded spirit. Thank you letting God use you. I am so blessed!
(Love,)
~Shannon
1) Bonding...truly bonding with C, B, and D. B and D are my age too and that is such a blessing. I have been praying for godly women to come into my life that I could develop deep friendships with. This and they are truly an answer to my prayers and some of the prayers that my best friends prayed for me too.
2) Prayer. Oh my goodness, prayer. I spent so much time in God's presence this weekend and it was incredible. I walked through fifteen stations of the cross on a contemplative prayer journey. I checked out Taize (a monastic reflective worship style) worship which is an incredible contemplative meditation and prayer worship time. I did prayer through creative art and prayed in different body positions. It was a blessing to me to simply spend time God in many different ways but to simply focus on Him. I am seriously thinking about turning our basement into a prayer chapel. I think that it would be incredible to have a cozy and relaxing place to just purposefully go and spend time with Jesus. You know?
3) Worship. It. Was. Incredible. Starfield was the group that I liked the most in their style of leading worship. We poured out our hearts and really sang how much we just, quite simply, loved Jesus because He is awesome and incredible. When I worship, it's also a blessing to me to believe that Samantha is in the very presence of God and that she is worshipping Him too! I can't wait until heaven calls. When I am worshipping, I realize that is what I made to do. There's no other time I feel this way.
4) Marital growth. Chris and I had some really good, reflective talks and grew tremendously.
5) Laughter...oh the stories that I will laugh about for years!
Anyhow, that's all I have time to write about right now but it was a fantasmic weekend. God is so good. He is so faithful. D, B, C, and Chris, thank you being joyful, tender, healing balm to my wounded spirit. Thank you letting God use you. I am so blessed!
(Love,)
~Shannon
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Agitation
I am feeling slightly stressed. I have been doing really well lately but lately I have spent a lot of time at home. Well, tonight we are leaving to go out of town and I am really agitated about this. I know, logically, that I will have a good time. We are going to a conference and going with three others from our church whom we love but I am still stressed. Please pray for me as this will be a growing weekend. I also feel away from Samantha because all her things are at home. Maybe I should take something with me. Anyhow, prayers are appreciated.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Beautiful words from my sister
Sometimes love lasts a moment.
Sometimes love lasts a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.
Still missing you, Samantha. ♥
~B.N.M.
I had to copy that from my sister's Facebook. She put this up last week and I thought it was the sweetest, incredibly beautiful, and yet concise message. I miss Samantha still. I always will.
I love you, Brit.
~Shannon
Sometimes love lasts a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.
Still missing you, Samantha. ♥
~B.N.M.
I had to copy that from my sister's Facebook. She put this up last week and I thought it was the sweetest, incredibly beautiful, and yet concise message. I miss Samantha still. I always will.
I love you, Brit.
~Shannon
Who Will Love Me For Me?
This morning I was blessed to hear JJ Heller's song Love Me on the radio. The lyrics touched my heart:
He cries in the corner
Where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story
No one would believe
He prays every night
Dear God, won't you please
Could you send someone here
Who will love me
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me
What love
Love really means
Her office is shrinking
a little each day
She's the woman
Whose husband has run away
She'll go the gym
After working today
Maybe if she was thinner
He would've stayed
And she says
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
Love really means
He's waiting to die
as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell
who regrets what's he done
He utters a cry
from the depths of his soul
Oh, Lord, forgive me,
I want to go home
And he heard a voice
Somewhere deep inside
And it said
I know you've murdered
I know you've lied
I have watched you suffer
All of your life
And now that you'll listen
I'll, I'll tell you that I
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give the love
The love that you never knew
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give the love
The love that you never knew
Is that not a beautiful song/story? It so touched my heart. Even though I am blessed to have many people love me, I believe that our humanly love can never compare to the perfect unfailing love of God. He loves us so simply just because we are His. Could it be more simple and innocent? How wonderful is that.
Three things struck me as I listened to that song. First, that God loves me immensely and intensely. He loves me in spite of my wrong and not for my right. He loves me with the little I've accomplished and not for what is to come. He just loves ME. Me. Simply me. This was such a beautiful blessing for me to realize because I spend so much time trying to be loved. Love doesn't try. It just does. It brought me such joy to realize that.
The next thing I realized is how I have failed my poor husband. I used to ask him why he loved me. I wasn't this size or pretty enough. I wasn't as smart as some people or as funny as someone else. I'm clumsy, I'm careless, and I'm hyper at times. How could he love me? He used to answer....I just love YOU, honey, I don't know the specifics but I do and I will love you forever. I actually used to get frustrated with that. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me with makeup or that he preferred the au naturale look. I wanted him to say I like your natural blonde hair or I prefer it dyed. I wanted him to say that he liked me dressed up or that he liked my sense of style. Or that maybe, just maybe, it was my intelligence or wit or something specific! He has told me what attracted him to me in the first place but other than that, he just says he loves ME...the culmination of all that I am. This morning I realized how much I loved him for that. He has never judged me on a size. He likes me in my glasses or my contacts. He doesn't care if I screw up at work or have a bad day. When I am laughing or crying, his love is generally consistent. Now, I am not saying my husband is a perfect man (sorry, honey!) but he is a good man and I just realized how amazing and important that unconditional general love that he has for me is. Because when I was listening to this song, I realized how badly we want people to love us for us. Then I realized that God and Chris loved me that way and I was so blessed. I am certain that others have or try to love me like that too but I am so reassured by their love for me as me.
The last thing this song reminded me of was that Samantha Peep was loved simply because she was. She existed, she was our daughter, and that was all that we needed to love her. I don't know what she looked like, what her personality woud have been like, what she would have or could have done, but I know this. She was God's child and His awesome and incredible creation of life and quite simply, that calls for love. I hope to remember to love like that always, especially with our future children. To love them just because.
Who will love you for you? Jesus already does. Enough to die for you. Could He do more than that?
I will love you for you, too, if you need to be truly loved.
~Shannon
He cries in the corner
Where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story
No one would believe
He prays every night
Dear God, won't you please
Could you send someone here
Who will love me
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me
What love
Love really means
Her office is shrinking
a little each day
She's the woman
Whose husband has run away
She'll go the gym
After working today
Maybe if she was thinner
He would've stayed
And she says
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
Love really means
He's waiting to die
as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell
who regrets what's he done
He utters a cry
from the depths of his soul
Oh, Lord, forgive me,
I want to go home
And he heard a voice
Somewhere deep inside
And it said
I know you've murdered
I know you've lied
I have watched you suffer
All of your life
And now that you'll listen
I'll, I'll tell you that I
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give the love
The love that you never knew
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give the love
The love that you never knew
Is that not a beautiful song/story? It so touched my heart. Even though I am blessed to have many people love me, I believe that our humanly love can never compare to the perfect unfailing love of God. He loves us so simply just because we are His. Could it be more simple and innocent? How wonderful is that.
Three things struck me as I listened to that song. First, that God loves me immensely and intensely. He loves me in spite of my wrong and not for my right. He loves me with the little I've accomplished and not for what is to come. He just loves ME. Me. Simply me. This was such a beautiful blessing for me to realize because I spend so much time trying to be loved. Love doesn't try. It just does. It brought me such joy to realize that.
The next thing I realized is how I have failed my poor husband. I used to ask him why he loved me. I wasn't this size or pretty enough. I wasn't as smart as some people or as funny as someone else. I'm clumsy, I'm careless, and I'm hyper at times. How could he love me? He used to answer....I just love YOU, honey, I don't know the specifics but I do and I will love you forever. I actually used to get frustrated with that. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me with makeup or that he preferred the au naturale look. I wanted him to say I like your natural blonde hair or I prefer it dyed. I wanted him to say that he liked me dressed up or that he liked my sense of style. Or that maybe, just maybe, it was my intelligence or wit or something specific! He has told me what attracted him to me in the first place but other than that, he just says he loves ME...the culmination of all that I am. This morning I realized how much I loved him for that. He has never judged me on a size. He likes me in my glasses or my contacts. He doesn't care if I screw up at work or have a bad day. When I am laughing or crying, his love is generally consistent. Now, I am not saying my husband is a perfect man (sorry, honey!) but he is a good man and I just realized how amazing and important that unconditional general love that he has for me is. Because when I was listening to this song, I realized how badly we want people to love us for us. Then I realized that God and Chris loved me that way and I was so blessed. I am certain that others have or try to love me like that too but I am so reassured by their love for me as me.
The last thing this song reminded me of was that Samantha Peep was loved simply because she was. She existed, she was our daughter, and that was all that we needed to love her. I don't know what she looked like, what her personality woud have been like, what she would have or could have done, but I know this. She was God's child and His awesome and incredible creation of life and quite simply, that calls for love. I hope to remember to love like that always, especially with our future children. To love them just because.
Who will love you for you? Jesus already does. Enough to die for you. Could He do more than that?
I will love you for you, too, if you need to be truly loved.
~Shannon
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Manageable Tears
Manageable tears. Is that a strange title for my post? Oh well...it will make sense by the end of this if you read it. Last night, tears came. They were not filled with as much pain and emotion as they were right after I miscarried. No, these tears felt manageable. What led to these tears?
Chris's friend Brian called us last night to tell that a local Christian radio station had a female pastor on talking about miscarriages and that we might want to tune into it. We opted to do just that. Sitting on the couch in our living room, we caught the last five minutes of a broadcast about the pain that miscarriage often causes and how that pain lingers even when people forget about it. We also listened to a woman who had been through a miscarriage beautifully and poignantly tell something that blessed her. She so reflected on my heart by saying what happens when we miscarry is that we wonder about our baby and salvation and the relationship God had with our unborn child. She talked about Psalms where it says that we knit together in the womb and also how we are sinful from conception. The part that blessed me the most, though, was when she referenced the Gospel and when John (still unborn, inside Elizabeth) leapt with the working of the Holy Spirit when he recognized that Jesus was present inside of Mary. While I had been aware of this passage before and it had brought me comfort, it significantly blessed me when this woman shared that this tiny unborn baby had the ability to respond to the workings of the Holy Spirit and to realize that God had done something majestic and wonderful! Baby John was able to respond to the Lord from within the womb. My sweet Samantha (as well as other unborn children!) can certainly know Jesus. The woman on the radio wrapped up her conversation by saying that the God who knit them in their mother's womb is certainly the God of these babies and we can entrust them to Him. It was such a beautiful and reassuring feeling. Certainly, I still miss Samantha, however, I am finding more and more peace as I process. I love knowing, too, that she is ahead of me. I am not leaving her behind, rather she is at the end of my life and when I get to heaven, she'll be there. She's just ahead of me.
As we neared the end of the broadcast, my deep thoughts turned to tears. I wept but they were manageable tears. They were sorrow mingled with joy and that was okay. I felt God's presence right there and it was okay.
I'm okay. I will be okay. God is so good. He has always kept His promises. I praise Him for being the awesome God that He is!
~Shannon
Chris's friend Brian called us last night to tell that a local Christian radio station had a female pastor on talking about miscarriages and that we might want to tune into it. We opted to do just that. Sitting on the couch in our living room, we caught the last five minutes of a broadcast about the pain that miscarriage often causes and how that pain lingers even when people forget about it. We also listened to a woman who had been through a miscarriage beautifully and poignantly tell something that blessed her. She so reflected on my heart by saying what happens when we miscarry is that we wonder about our baby and salvation and the relationship God had with our unborn child. She talked about Psalms where it says that we knit together in the womb and also how we are sinful from conception. The part that blessed me the most, though, was when she referenced the Gospel and when John (still unborn, inside Elizabeth) leapt with the working of the Holy Spirit when he recognized that Jesus was present inside of Mary. While I had been aware of this passage before and it had brought me comfort, it significantly blessed me when this woman shared that this tiny unborn baby had the ability to respond to the workings of the Holy Spirit and to realize that God had done something majestic and wonderful! Baby John was able to respond to the Lord from within the womb. My sweet Samantha (as well as other unborn children!) can certainly know Jesus. The woman on the radio wrapped up her conversation by saying that the God who knit them in their mother's womb is certainly the God of these babies and we can entrust them to Him. It was such a beautiful and reassuring feeling. Certainly, I still miss Samantha, however, I am finding more and more peace as I process. I love knowing, too, that she is ahead of me. I am not leaving her behind, rather she is at the end of my life and when I get to heaven, she'll be there. She's just ahead of me.
As we neared the end of the broadcast, my deep thoughts turned to tears. I wept but they were manageable tears. They were sorrow mingled with joy and that was okay. I felt God's presence right there and it was okay.
I'm okay. I will be okay. God is so good. He has always kept His promises. I praise Him for being the awesome God that He is!
~Shannon
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Marriage blessings
I love my husband. He promised he'd stick by me and never leave me when we were married. He has kept his word and I love him for it. I am so blessed. I have to remember that God has given me so many good things! Thank you, Christopher, for not just sticking it out with me but also loving me these past eight weeks. It means more than you will ever know. I am blessed.
And thank you, Lord, for blessing our marriage. We are only as strong as we are because you are our third cord. You are an awesome God. Keep growing us for your will.
~Shannon
The gift of laughter
Last night and this morning, God gave me a gift. The gift of laughter. I think between last night and this morning, I have laughed more, and harder than I have in the past eight weeks. I had an appointment with J last night. She is such a blessing to me. God is good.
After my appointment, however, I had a little adventure. Somehow I went the wrong way on the highway! I went north instead of south. Instead of being half an hour to get home, it took me an hour and a half! I didn't realize what I had done until I had gone twenty miles the wrong direction. I've been doing that kind of thing quite regularly lately. My concentration is not the greatest! However, when I realized what I had done, instead of crying, I laughed it off. I was talking to one of my best friends S on the phone at the time. After I got off the phone with her and turned around, I listened to some worship music and just spent some time soaking in the goodness of God. I was a little frustrated but I didn't let it get to me.
When I got home, I prepared dinner. S had said her and A were having chicken fajitas which sounded good so I ended up making chicken and black bean tacos. It worked out well. Chris came home and we had a really good dinner. We had a lot of fun teasing and laughing. Even at bedtime, Chris was a riot! His sense of humor was turned on high! He had me giggling like crazy! Then I'd say things like "You're so funny....honey!" which rhymed and I'd laugh harder! I laughed like a small child. It was wonderful. Then we slept....when I got up this morning, I was in a great mood and so was he. We laughed more and more as I got ready and even while he was dropping me off, we were laughing still! He told me last night that I was impish. I was like "I'm impish like a little elf!" This morning I was certainly feeling impish. Here's a photo of me that screams impish!
Anyhow, in the midst of this laughter, I thought of Samantha but for the first time (thank you, Lord!) there wasn't pain attached. I just thought of how much I loved her and how glad I was that God had given her to me even though I never held her here. There's a vast heaven and eternity with Samantha in it that waits for me. Someday I'll get there. For now, I'm learning to be content in the moment. So I thought of Samantha when I looked at a lovely picture of her and Jesus made for me by my dear friend B. But I just smiled. Then when we passed the hospital where I had the D&C, I wasn't sad. I was in one of my laughing moments and I thought how glad I was, even though I had miscarried, that God had given me Samantha, and that He was using this for His glory. I am content to be His and glorify Him because I know that I am nothing without Him!
Praise God, for turning mourning into joy! Thank you for laughter, Lord! You are so good. You are faithful.
~Shannon
After my appointment, however, I had a little adventure. Somehow I went the wrong way on the highway! I went north instead of south. Instead of being half an hour to get home, it took me an hour and a half! I didn't realize what I had done until I had gone twenty miles the wrong direction. I've been doing that kind of thing quite regularly lately. My concentration is not the greatest! However, when I realized what I had done, instead of crying, I laughed it off. I was talking to one of my best friends S on the phone at the time. After I got off the phone with her and turned around, I listened to some worship music and just spent some time soaking in the goodness of God. I was a little frustrated but I didn't let it get to me.
When I got home, I prepared dinner. S had said her and A were having chicken fajitas which sounded good so I ended up making chicken and black bean tacos. It worked out well. Chris came home and we had a really good dinner. We had a lot of fun teasing and laughing. Even at bedtime, Chris was a riot! His sense of humor was turned on high! He had me giggling like crazy! Then I'd say things like "You're so funny....honey!" which rhymed and I'd laugh harder! I laughed like a small child. It was wonderful. Then we slept....when I got up this morning, I was in a great mood and so was he. We laughed more and more as I got ready and even while he was dropping me off, we were laughing still! He told me last night that I was impish. I was like "I'm impish like a little elf!" This morning I was certainly feeling impish. Here's a photo of me that screams impish!
Anyhow, in the midst of this laughter, I thought of Samantha but for the first time (thank you, Lord!) there wasn't pain attached. I just thought of how much I loved her and how glad I was that God had given her to me even though I never held her here. There's a vast heaven and eternity with Samantha in it that waits for me. Someday I'll get there. For now, I'm learning to be content in the moment. So I thought of Samantha when I looked at a lovely picture of her and Jesus made for me by my dear friend B. But I just smiled. Then when we passed the hospital where I had the D&C, I wasn't sad. I was in one of my laughing moments and I thought how glad I was, even though I had miscarried, that God had given me Samantha, and that He was using this for His glory. I am content to be His and glorify Him because I know that I am nothing without Him!
Praise God, for turning mourning into joy! Thank you for laughter, Lord! You are so good. You are faithful.
~Shannon
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