Anxiety

I am feeling a lot of anxiety. No issues with baby or anything but I feel that it is just a matter of time until I miscarry. Logically, I know that I could go on to have a healthy baby but I can't completely grasp that. I am too afraid to hope. I am scared of the unknown. I don't want to miscarry but if I am going to lose this little one, I want to get it over with. Then I feel guilty for thinking that way because I am also grateful for every moment that the little life inside of me is present here on earth. I pray for baby Sprout and I love this child so much too.

Such mixed feelings.

Shannon

My fourth child

Last Sunday, I found out that my fourth child was growing inside of me. I got a positive pregnancy test! What a thrill that was and yet it also sent fear coursing through me. It started many questions. Will I miscarry? Will this be my 'rainbow' baby? Will I get to bring this one home? When will the bleeding start? Will there be no bleeding this time? My head has been spinning. Almost too much to write. I was too scared to say anything. But it's been eight days since I got that positive. That's longer than it was with Noah and with Dominic. Samantha was in me for almost thirteen weeks. With Noah and Dominic, within a couple of days of knowing they existed, they were with Jesus. I have now been aware of baby Sprout for eight days and there haven't been any complications. I feel so blessed. But I am afraid to be too hopeful.

And yet I believe two things that have kept my hope and faith from running dry.

1. Nothing is impossible with God.
2. Nothing is too hard for the Lord.

Those two phrases remind me that anything can be done and nothing is too much work for God.

Please pray for us. We are nervous. But no matter what happens, God is good. He knows best and we love Him.

~Shannon

Emotionally great, Physically sick

Emotionally, I am doing great

However, physically I am really sick --Multiple things going on including brochitis.

Ewww....

So real quick..I have to vent.

What kind of an idiot, knowing someone suffers from an eating disorder, asks if you've lost weight because gee, you look really good.....?

GRRRR!

Shannon

Waiting

These words speak so deeply to my heart.....
Lord, we believe that only you know when we will be able to bring home a baby.
We will wait and trust. We love you, Lord. Your ways are better than ours. Even when it hurts...

From John Waller's While I'm Waiting

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on you, lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on you, lorD
Though it is painful
But patiently I will wait

I will move ahead,
bold and confident,
Taking every step in
obedience

While I'm waiting,
I will serve you
While I'm waiting,
I will worship
While I'm waiting,
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

Not having a good day

I am not having a good day. It's one of those times I wish people would stop being harsh on me and just love me. Maybe sit with me and let me cry it out?

but...then I think maybe I am not worth loving.........

I know it's irrational but my head is swirling today.

Maybe I am not pregnant this month and my PMS is really bad. I've always been super sensitive.

Sigh.........

Shannon

'Beautiful For Me' by Nicole Nordeman

Thank you for sharing this song, Sarah Joy....
~Shannon


Beautiful For Me
Nicole Nordeman

Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess
But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me

If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what’s inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
Close your eyes
Look inside
Let me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you’re beautiful

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Yeah
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You’re so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me
Has anybody told you?

One day at a time

Sometimes it's such a struggle...to get through one day.

You hear people say one day at a time but honestly sometimes one minute at a time is too much.

Shannon

What I Don't Want To Be

It seems like so many time we ask ourselves who we are. We ask ourselves who we want to be. I feel like there is so much there that I am but I also feel that what hinders me is focusing on the things that I don't want to be. What don't I want to be? I'll tell you.

I don't want to be a number. Specifically, I don't want to be a size, a weight number, a number of inches. I don't even want to be a BMI or a percentile. I don't like numbers to describe people. I don't want to be a rating of hotness. I don't want to be a number

What else don't I want to be? I most definitely don't want to be fake. I want to be real. I don't want to be fake smiles and facades. Don't tell me to pretend to be happy or act happy when I am not. Instead, find me real and genuine happiness. No, don't find it for me. Help me to find lasting joy. Being fake is something I have struggled with.

I don't want to be ugly. I suppose you could also turn that around and say that I want to be beautiful. Gorgeous. Lovely. Pretty. I don't feel that I am any of those things. I just can't see it. When I look into the mirror I can't see who I am. And at the same time, if you think I am beautiful, I don't want to be just a pretty face. I want to be a person.

Sometimes I have to confess I don't even want to be me...but I am learning to accept that I am me and that it's okay to be me.

That's what I don't want to be. I guess you can see my fears. And...underneath it all, you can see what it is I do want to be.

~Shannon

Group

Last night I joined a group of other young women who share something in common: a struggle with an eating disorder. I was terrified before I went to the appointment. I was afraid they wouldn't like me or accept me but then by the time the group was over and I was walking out the door, I felt like I had come home. I felt understood and accepted. God was so good. I am already so grateful to J for inviting me to join this group.

It's amazing to me how God provides when you least expect it.

~Shannon

God is faithful

God is faithful
When I'm out of place
His deep love
I can never erase

God is faithful
He's steady and true
My trustworthy Lord
Oh, how I love you

~Shannon

ovulation calendar

Your next ovulation will most likely occur on Monday, Jan-24-2011.
Your fertile days are between Friday, Jan-21-2011 and Wednesday, Jan-26-2011.
If you get pregnant during this cycle, your due day would be Monday, Oct-17-2011.

I am not supposed to get pregnant this cycle but if I am, I already am.

Hmmmm....time will tell.

October sounds like a nice time....

~Shannon

From the mouth of babes

I absolutely adore Christopher's little brother M. M is hilarious. He's eight years old and witty. He's smart and he's a youngest child which gives him a certain impish personality. Well, the other day M and I had a fantastic conversation. This is how it went:

M: Is Mom driving or are you?

me: Well, I guess we can pretend I could drive from the passenger seat.

M: No, you can't.

me: Well, actually, close your eyes and use your imagination. Anything is possible.

M: Well, not anything. I mean, George Washington can't come back to life.

me: Well, actually...if God wants to. You ever heard of Lazarus?

M: No.....

me: Well, let me tell you the story from the Bible. Lazarus was a friend of Jesus and he died. Lazarus' family came to Jesus and they were kind of ticked off that Jesus hadn't been there to save him. Jesus wept---totally cried when he heard about Lazarus---and then he asked to go into Lazarus' tomb...and they were like 'surely he stinketh!' which is one of my favorite Bible verses, but that is beside the point, and he went in and then he brought Lazarus back to life!

M: (with a fantastic and confused expression, says in a voice of awe)  OH..... So he was a zombie then?!!!

me: AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! no...he was not a zombie!!!!!! He was alive like you and me.....

M: Oh....

me: So that's why I say if God wanted to, Washington could come back to life. Nothing is impossible.

M: Yeah, nothing is impossible with God. I remember that from watching Facing the Giants.

I started getting teary....

me: I'm so glad you know that, M. One of my favorite questions is 'is anything too hard for the Lord?'

And he says something like: No....nothing is too hard for the Lord. Nothing is impossible with God.

BEAUTIFUL! That was a few days ago...What a fantastic conversation!

~Shannon

So much in my head......

There is so much going on in my head....

Worrying about different relationships
Wondering if we can carry a baby
Fighting the eating disorder
What to do about graduate studies
Money and financial things
Physical struggles

Sometimes life gets so overwhelming......

~Shannon

Current life status

Things have been crazy lately.

Financially, it's rough.....

Poor C has needed root canals, and now needs his wisdom teeth out...also, he'll start nursing school this month. Funds are tight! Things are crazy!

There have been some things that have been stressful lately.

I am waiting to see my new OBGYN dude in February.

We're just stuck in a stressful period.

My job has been hectic. I have to remind myself to take it one step or thing at a time.

The eating disorder...I have good days and I have bad days.

I am starting to appreciate me for me! That's a blessing!

I miss the babies terribly but my faith is strong.

God has, each day, given daily bread. We trust that's enough.

~Shannon

Rough times

I had a bit of a rough weekend...but now it's okay, I think.

I don't currently know where my life is going right now.

But I believe that God is good.

I am loved. That I believe. And it's not something I've believed in a long time.

~Shannon

To my babies

Samantha,

My sweet baby. The one I felt I knew the best. I still miss you so much. I envision you giving Jesus lots of hugs, being boisterous and sweet, and holding the hands of your brothers. Know how much I love you. I am so sorry that I didn't want you at first. It wasn't you. It was me. I was scared. I love you more than words can say. You were the baby that set my heart on fire as a mom. When I saw your tiny frame and the thump of your heartbeat was inside of me, something inside of me changed forever. I love you, Samantha Peep. You've flown to Jesus and I can't wait to meet you.

Dominic,

We loved you. We knew you were there without a doubt and we missed you terribly when you were gone. You were the blink of an eye. But I feel a lifetime of love toward you. You are still our baby. Love on Noah and enjoy spending lots of time with Jesus. Dominic, Munchkin, you were our little guy! We were so excited and thought that God had given us you but instead you got the best deal. You got Jesus and no more sinful world! We will have eternity ahead of us to spend together....I can't wait.

Noah,

Lovebug, you were so loved. We felt such love and depth for you in the four days we knew about you. A Wednesday through Saturday of depth....I knew that Jesus might take you and I knew that you'd be safe in His hands but I still was heartbroken. I had already started to look ahead to September of 2011 when I would get to hold you and love you. We thought you were our rainbow baby but God had other plans. We still love you so....so much. Samantha and Dominic are there with you. We so look forward to our reunion.

Babies,
We love each of you so much. We wish so badly that we could have had you to hold here but we know that we'll hold you in heaven and death will no longer sting.

Squeeze Jesus tight. He's the best.

~Shannon

Bad people and Good people

Why do I do this?

I tend to classify people as good or bad!

EW! I get so frustrated with myself.

People are all just people and we all have good and bad. We all need Jesus.

But I do this thing where I classify people as good and say good things happen to good people.

Then I say bad things happen to bad people.

Then I think when I have a miscarriage or something bad happens that it's because I am a bad person.

Not necessarily logical!

Or I think about the fact that we could be GOOD parents as opposed to BAD parents. Then we have a miscarriage. Does God think we'd be bad parents..is that why this bad thing has happened? Oh sigh!

Anyhow....that's that.

My head is crazy!

Shannon

Love is....

Love is....

when there is nothing you've done to get it

nothing you can do to take it away

When it's just freely given..........

~Shannon

Blessings

Sometimes, when you least expect it, God uses people or situations in ways you never could have imagined. Then you see His provision and you know that He is good. He is faithful. He always keeps His promises. There have been some things in my life lately that I just look at with awe when I realize God has worked out certain things. Some relationships have been strengthened. Walls have been broken down. Burdens have been lifted. I know that all of these good things come from my Heavenly Father. But sometimes...it's so hard  to see it. But when I step back and start counting my blessings, I realize how numerous they are and good God is.

Lord, thank you for being my Provider, Protector, and Shelter. Thank you for bringing relationships and things into my life that have helped me through the tough times. You are a good God. You are a perfect God and no matter what is happening, I know that you know best. I am so sorry that sometimes I don't trust you and that sometimes I don't prepare my fields. God, thank you for Jesus, and for your forgiveness. Thank you for giving me my daily bread even when I am not grateful for your provision, which is more than sufficient. Thank you for starting to bring healing to some weak spots in me. Lord, mold me and shape me into what you want me to be. Even when it hurts, Lord, take my weakness and use it to bring you glory. Keep me safe from Satan's reach, that I might be safe from the grips of the evil one, but when temptations and struggles do come, help me to see you, glorify you, and praise your name. You are good. You are loving. You are perfect. I adore you, Abba Father, and I will always be grateful for the love that you have shown me through Jesus Christ. No amount of hurt can take that away. No pain can separate me from you. Amen. And....Love, Shannon.

To the minute

To the minute, it's been 72 hours since I have thrown up.

Please don't respond to this post to congratulate me. All that does is makes me feel more loved for being 'good' and 'bad' for throwing up which is not constructive to me. I desired to be loved unconditionally.

I've had a lot of caring and support these past 72 hours and I think that maybe we can get through this patch.

~Shannon