The purple elephant in the middle of the room

Denial is like the purple elephant in the middle of the room that everyone is pretending doesn't exist. We used to say that back when I was part of our church's Celebrate Recovery group. At first, it sounds so crazy but then you realize how true it is. How often do we pretend that there is not a problem when there are obvious signs that there are? I know even I am guilty of not seeing things I don't want to see or not dealing with things I don't want to deal with. It's part of what has kept me from dealing with some of the struggles in my life. I haven't felt free to express how I feel. Instead you have to keep up an image. Why? To look good but since looks don't really matter....or shouldn't...why do that?

I am done with that. I am not going to sit quietly anymore when I am upset. I am going to tell someone. I am not going to be a victim. I will share what has happened to me and I will do something about it so that I am not keeping that hurt inside. My sister, Brittany, put it so well. She said I try to be such a joyful person but I am just keeping the hurt inside because I don't feel like complaining. It's totally true. I don't want to be negative. Sometimes I know how to share but very few people I feel like are comfortable with listening to the hard stuff.

Anyhow, a purple elephant's pretty hard to miss. Why not take a stroll over and show that elephant the way to the door. He's not going to walk out on his own so stop pretending he's not there and make space for something else in your life.

~Shannon

A bit of a respite

I am happy to announce that even though Tuesday through Wednesday afternoon things were an emotional adventure, by last night, I had settled back more into me. I almost swear that I can feel my medication kicking in and stabilizing my emotions. In fact today, I feel better than I have felt any day since the miscarriage. That's crazy but awesome good! God is so good!

Last night, we went to a youth group party. Talk about fun! It was a costume party. Chris borrowed a Darth Vader costume from his dad. He asked if I wanted to borrow Princess Leia...I was like not so much! I would much rather be Padame and also because I am well-endowed, store costumes usually don't fit my chest well! Oh well! I went to the dollar store and had a super fun time picking out fairy wings, fake flowers, and some sort of ivy garland. I wore a white top and white sweater and put on the green wings, stuffed the fake flowers in my hair. I put the garland around my neck and just draped it down. I painted my face/made up my face and eyes with lots of bright colors and topped it all off with glitter. I was a garden fairy!!!! It was super fun for me. I needed something fun like that to focus on to get my mood back on track I think.

At the party, things went fine, and afterward, we actually did okay. Driving gave Chris and I the opportunity to talk and I was able to explain things from perspective and why I've been shutting down these past few days. I was also able to see things from his angle. I was able to share how he could help me because he feels helpless which I think causes extra tension on us. Somewhere deep inside, I do believe that man loves me, but I fight so hard to accept that! I can be so darn difficult sometimes....I get frustrated with myself. I think though that J is the right person to help. Crazy C whom I was seeing before J was really not helping! Probably actually made things worse! So J is a blessing.

If you see me and I have red marker on my arms, don't be appalled. It means that instead of hurting myself, I drew on myself...and while that might seem crazy it's still healthier and better than cutting. Hopefully I will get to a point where I don't ever want to do that again!!!

~Shannon