What I Struggle With

Because I struggle with an eating disorder but it's not classic, I often feel the need to explain my struggle. I most closely relate with bulimia but my eating disorder is not specific. For one to suffer from bulimia, you must binge first, then purge. There have been only a few times in my life where I have had a true binge than purge. More often, I just feel guilty no matter what I eat. It could be a container of yogurt. It could be an apple. It could be a cookie. There is actually no differentiation which most people don't get.  For me, the mere idea of eating anything is a trigger. So what do I do? I either don't eat or when I do, I throw up or take laxatives.....When I work out, I overexercise.......Well, for five months, I didn't do that. I maintained my size/weight and ate regular balanced normal meals. But when I struggle this is how....

Anyhow, that's what I struggle with. I feel like I just want people to understand me. A prior therapist (who didn't get me) told me that I was in a box and that she could treat and relate to all people with eating disorders the same. This is not true! I fully believe every person is different and your approach to interacting and supporting someone has to come from what works for them. That's why I want you to know what I struggle with........

~Shannon

dos and don't of helping with bulimia

Here's some interesting things to do and things not to do when helping someone with bulimia.

http://helpguide.org/mental/bulimia_signs_symptoms_causes_treatment.htm is the source.

 

Do:

• Be a cool customer. No matter how worried you are, approaching your loved one with alarm is not the best approach. Stash away the eating disorder articles for now. Find a neutral place to chat and: (1) calmly say what you’ve noticed, and (2) explain why you’re worried.
• Talk and listen. Let compassion be your guide. Make sure they know you intend to listen. Keep in mind they might feel defensive or angry. It’s embarrassing to talk about binging and purging. But if they do come to you for a listening ear, show no judgment, even if they sound unstable.
• Take “solve” out of your vocabulary. As a parent or friend, there isn’t a lot you can do to “fix” your loved one’s bulimia. They must decide on their own when they are ready to move forward.
• Set an example of healthy eating, exercising, and body image. Never make negative comments about your own body or anyone else’s.
• Be good to yourself. Know when to seek advice for yourself from a counselor or health professional. Keep your friends and relatives involved in the support network.

Don’t:

• Be the food police. A person with bulimia needs kindness, not nutritional advice.
• Use insults, fear, guilt, or embarrassment. Since bulimia is often a caused by a form of stress and self-hate, negativity will only make it worse.

Things I Am Thankful For Right Now

I am focusing, right now, on things I am thankful for....

I am thankful for the color purple and for boots. I am thankful that snow is BEAUTIFUL even if it is cold! I am thankful for my coat which keeps me warm. I am thankful for J who helps me to keep my head screwed on semi-straight. I am thankful for our two cats. I am thankful for Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. I am thankful for the people who are supportive of me. I am especially thankful for them. I am thankful that I have life. I am thankful that I have an awesome husband. I am thankful that I have a house. I am thankful for cell phones and the fact that they close the distance gap. I am thankful for Tylenol because I have a headache.

Most of all, I am thankful for Jesus.

When I start to put it into perspective like that, I am thankful......and I feel so blessed!

Want you to get it

I am frustrated. I feel like half the people get the eating disorder and the other half don't.

So what do I want you to get........

How I FEEL.....

I feel terrible about myself. You have to realize I has a distorted perception of myself. How do I KNOW this? Ever looked in a mirror and thought you looked good or fine and then two seconds later thought that you looked HORRID?! I have....I've totally been there.

Or...you feel ugly. You CATCH a glimpse of someone in a window and say that person has fantastic hair! Then you realize it's your hair in that braid that you like...It's so confusing!

WHY I do what I DO....

CONTROL! I feel terribly out of control...and in the words of J....I don't trust my body! I REALLY don't.....

It's not so easy for me to just say I am going to do this and work out like this. When I end up on an exercise machine, sometimes I JUST KEEP GOING AND GOING AND GOING even though I AM DIZZY and sick...because I feel like there is that compulsion. I JUST HAVE to burn 1,000 calories or whatever number I am stuck on....

WHAT DO I KNOW?

that it's not good for me...I DO KNOW THAT. I JUST.....don't know HOW not to do. Sometimes mind over matter isn't sufficient. I need help. I do NOT need criticism....

I am SO frustrated with the ED (eating disorder) myself that it only makes me feel ten times worse when other people are frustrated with me.............

Sigh...........

~Shannon

I fell down and I don't know how to get back up

It's been rough. Yesterday was rough.

I fell down...I threw up after lunch. Purposefully for the first time in 5 and a half months.

I tried to tell myself not to let it get to me........not to let it become a habit. Then I felt I couldn't control the panic in me after eating just a bit for dinner last night. I went to the bathroom and threw up again.

Today I've eaten nothing. I know that eventually I will have to eat. But I don't want to.

I feel so out of control. I can control my food intake. I want to control my body.

I feel that if I was a size 0 and weighed 99 pounds that my miscarriages would not have happened. I have this notion in my head that I am not beautiful enough to deserve good things.

It's bad. Please keep me in your prayers.

I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but right now I can't see it. I am thinking on Friday that my appointment with J will be much needed.

If you are with me at all in the near future, encourage me to eat but don't force me. If you eat a meal with me, that's better than me eating alone and then don't let me near the bathroom.....I have to break this cycle...or else I am going to be out of control again.

~Shannon