If I was still pregnant with little Samantha....I'd be almost 19 weeks along. Almost halfway to meeting her. And if something had gone wrong then, close to the 20 week mark, might have been able to save her.
Those are the thoughts that run through my head. I have to remember that God's will is done.
I really didn't know how much I could love her. I really didn't. I am a loving person. I love my husband intensely and my closest family and dearest friends intensely but this is different. Other than Chris, I've never felt my heart pulled this hard. Guess that is how God made us.
I miss you, Samantha. Dance on a cloud and hug Jesus tight today. I'll be there soon enough....from my end, it feels like forever, but someday it'll seem only like the blink of an eye.
It's been six weeks....will I ever not dwell on this? I'm functioning and getting more back to normal but I don't feel happy.
Shannon
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Where I'm Supposed To Be and Where Am I?
Sometimes it's hard for me to accept that this where I'm supposed to be. What do I mean by that you might ask? I mean that I am in the hands of God and at the threshold of His will. I have, especially of late, prayed that His will be done. Sometimes I question what His will is. But I know that He is good, He is right, and His way is best.
So where am I supposed to be? I am supposed to be right here where I have no control over my life, where I realize that every breath I take is by the grace of God, and that every day I wake is only by His will. I'm desperately out of control (I refer to self-control) and yet totally and completely secure.
I saw a beautiful picture of a little baby (who was born prematurely and had passed away) who was so small that he fit in the palm of his father's hand. The beauty of the picture was that I envisioned myself held in the much larger hand of my Heavenly Father. That image for me was profoundly impacting. When we are being held by our father, we are safe. We don't need to understand what's going on but simply trust.
Trust. That's where I am supposed to be. Walking by faith. It's all I can do. When people tell me I'm strong, I'm surprised because I don't feel that strong. I feel that God is carrying me and all I can do is ride along, walk that walk by faith. I'm learning daily, more and more, to trust Him. I am finding myself growing through this process and finding myself able to trust Him more and more.
This is a reflection on where I am and I'm refreshed to know that sometimes how I feel is exactly where I need to be.
Lord, convict my heart when I'm not where I need to be, and let your will be done. Give me your peace when I am anxious. Help me to trust you more and more. Lord, let my life not be mine but let it be yours.
~Shannon
So where am I supposed to be? I am supposed to be right here where I have no control over my life, where I realize that every breath I take is by the grace of God, and that every day I wake is only by His will. I'm desperately out of control (I refer to self-control) and yet totally and completely secure.
I saw a beautiful picture of a little baby (who was born prematurely and had passed away) who was so small that he fit in the palm of his father's hand. The beauty of the picture was that I envisioned myself held in the much larger hand of my Heavenly Father. That image for me was profoundly impacting. When we are being held by our father, we are safe. We don't need to understand what's going on but simply trust.
Trust. That's where I am supposed to be. Walking by faith. It's all I can do. When people tell me I'm strong, I'm surprised because I don't feel that strong. I feel that God is carrying me and all I can do is ride along, walk that walk by faith. I'm learning daily, more and more, to trust Him. I am finding myself growing through this process and finding myself able to trust Him more and more.
This is a reflection on where I am and I'm refreshed to know that sometimes how I feel is exactly where I need to be.
Lord, convict my heart when I'm not where I need to be, and let your will be done. Give me your peace when I am anxious. Help me to trust you more and more. Lord, let my life not be mine but let it be yours.
~Shannon
Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good
In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still
In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still
In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then
In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still
In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still
In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then
In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
A Testament To Our Love
Written for the most wonderful man in the entire world....my husband, Chris.
When we met just over five years ago, I had no idea what would come our way. I didn't know I would marry you someday or that the simple meeting of us as young camp counselors would lead us to falling madly and deeply in love. I knew one thing though. I knew we'd be friends...which was remarkable because you were the only man I'd ever truly felt comfortable around. And I believe that our friendship is truly the testament to our love.
Christopher, you are not only husband and my love, but my very best friend. You are the only one I want when something breaks my heart and you are the first one that I tell when something joyous enters in. You love me unconditionally despite the fact that I can be difficult or very emotional. For that, I am so grateful and blessed to be your wife and to call you my best friend.
Shortly after we met, I knew we were going to share something more than simply friendship. Sure enough shortly after we shared our first kiss, you gave me a promise ring and told me of your intent to marry me. I was awed and floored and while I was excited, was unsure of whether or not you'd be reliable. But you were...even after I'd broken up with you. You came back to me even when I had turned my back on us.
You kept your word. You bought me another beautiful ring a year and a half later and then a few months later purchased an engagement ring and you asked my father for permission to marry me. One summer day, you asked me what I'd wish for, if I had just one wish. I told you I wanted to marry you and grow old with you. As I strolled on, you touched my shoulder and turned me around to find you dropping to one knee and asking me to be in "your wedding" which was so darling. I cried and cried. You placed that special ring on my left hand. Then we rejoiced and made plans with our families and friends.
July 11, 2008, we became man and wife. We celebrated the gift of love that God has blessed us with. We united as a cord of three, intending to let God be the third person in our marriage, because we knew we couldn't do it on our own. And we finally consummated our marriage, having been waiting for a long time to do it according to His will for us. When it hurt me, you patiently loved me and comforted me until we as two were able to become truly one. We continued on in our marriage and we grew, you learned to pray for me, comfort me, and I learned how to show you that I loved you.
Even through some medical scares and struggles, you were strong. When you had to have surgery and I was so scared, you told me that this would make us stronger. You were so right. When my eating disorder flared up, and I went into some of the most difficult days and darkest times of my life, you told me I was beautiful and that you loved me just because I was me. You did the hardest things at times, when you feared for my life and health, and you put your foot down with me. You learned how to be the head of our household and I learned to submit as God had called me to do.
We celebrated our two year anniversary quickly this past summer and God blessed us in ways that we could not have imagined. He gave us a sweet child that we named Samantha. When I was terrified, you calmed my fears and warmed my heart by telling me that God would provide for us and our baby. And when my heart broke in ways that it never had before and hurt more than I knew was possible, you held me and loved me and comforted me. You were a strong and much needed spiritual head of our house in the days and weeks following. And still today, six weeks after losing our little baby, you have stood by my side and calmed me. You have comforted me. You have loved me.
Christopher, I'm sorry to say that I haven't been the kind of wife that I believe you deserve but that I am so blessed to be your wife. You know this but I'll say it again, if today were our wedding day, I'd marry you all over again. I love you. Thank you for loving me. We will get through this and someday we will enter into another season of joy. I am so blessed by you and I thank God for you...my best friend, my lover, my husband.
~Shannon
When we met just over five years ago, I had no idea what would come our way. I didn't know I would marry you someday or that the simple meeting of us as young camp counselors would lead us to falling madly and deeply in love. I knew one thing though. I knew we'd be friends...which was remarkable because you were the only man I'd ever truly felt comfortable around. And I believe that our friendship is truly the testament to our love.
Christopher, you are not only husband and my love, but my very best friend. You are the only one I want when something breaks my heart and you are the first one that I tell when something joyous enters in. You love me unconditionally despite the fact that I can be difficult or very emotional. For that, I am so grateful and blessed to be your wife and to call you my best friend.
Shortly after we met, I knew we were going to share something more than simply friendship. Sure enough shortly after we shared our first kiss, you gave me a promise ring and told me of your intent to marry me. I was awed and floored and while I was excited, was unsure of whether or not you'd be reliable. But you were...even after I'd broken up with you. You came back to me even when I had turned my back on us.
You kept your word. You bought me another beautiful ring a year and a half later and then a few months later purchased an engagement ring and you asked my father for permission to marry me. One summer day, you asked me what I'd wish for, if I had just one wish. I told you I wanted to marry you and grow old with you. As I strolled on, you touched my shoulder and turned me around to find you dropping to one knee and asking me to be in "your wedding" which was so darling. I cried and cried. You placed that special ring on my left hand. Then we rejoiced and made plans with our families and friends.
July 11, 2008, we became man and wife. We celebrated the gift of love that God has blessed us with. We united as a cord of three, intending to let God be the third person in our marriage, because we knew we couldn't do it on our own. And we finally consummated our marriage, having been waiting for a long time to do it according to His will for us. When it hurt me, you patiently loved me and comforted me until we as two were able to become truly one. We continued on in our marriage and we grew, you learned to pray for me, comfort me, and I learned how to show you that I loved you.
Even through some medical scares and struggles, you were strong. When you had to have surgery and I was so scared, you told me that this would make us stronger. You were so right. When my eating disorder flared up, and I went into some of the most difficult days and darkest times of my life, you told me I was beautiful and that you loved me just because I was me. You did the hardest things at times, when you feared for my life and health, and you put your foot down with me. You learned how to be the head of our household and I learned to submit as God had called me to do.
We celebrated our two year anniversary quickly this past summer and God blessed us in ways that we could not have imagined. He gave us a sweet child that we named Samantha. When I was terrified, you calmed my fears and warmed my heart by telling me that God would provide for us and our baby. And when my heart broke in ways that it never had before and hurt more than I knew was possible, you held me and loved me and comforted me. You were a strong and much needed spiritual head of our house in the days and weeks following. And still today, six weeks after losing our little baby, you have stood by my side and calmed me. You have comforted me. You have loved me.
Christopher, I'm sorry to say that I haven't been the kind of wife that I believe you deserve but that I am so blessed to be your wife. You know this but I'll say it again, if today were our wedding day, I'd marry you all over again. I love you. Thank you for loving me. We will get through this and someday we will enter into another season of joy. I am so blessed by you and I thank God for you...my best friend, my lover, my husband.
~Shannon
Selah's I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
VENT
Last night was good. We are very conservative so Chris and I were satisfied with the outcome of the local and national elections. We wish we could have taken majority in the Senate too but we are happy with the accomplishments.
However, having said that....it was not a good morning. We've racked up hundreds of dollars for Chris's car this week (had to get an inspection)...which was fine! We were planning on repairing some things but we weren't expecting to have any other issues. Well, of course my D&C/pregnancy costs bill came recently...and also, here's the real treat. The gas company found a leak in our yard so they turned off the gas and now we need to call a plumber to repair it. Grr.....I am so frustrated. We are going to be freezing for a little bit and also more money to spend. I'm waiting for Chris to tell me whether or not our home warranty will cover the putting in of a new line. I'm hoping it will...otherwise, we'll be responsible for the entire cost.
Anyhow, the purpose of this post is just to vent. It probably sounds stupid but I have a hard enough time with just finally trying to process through Samantha's loss and readjusting to life and the holidays coming up and now this is a major stressor too. It makes me upset all over again because I'm stressed.
I'm trying to trust God...it's hard.
Shannon
However, having said that....it was not a good morning. We've racked up hundreds of dollars for Chris's car this week (had to get an inspection)...which was fine! We were planning on repairing some things but we weren't expecting to have any other issues. Well, of course my D&C/pregnancy costs bill came recently...and also, here's the real treat. The gas company found a leak in our yard so they turned off the gas and now we need to call a plumber to repair it. Grr.....I am so frustrated. We are going to be freezing for a little bit and also more money to spend. I'm waiting for Chris to tell me whether or not our home warranty will cover the putting in of a new line. I'm hoping it will...otherwise, we'll be responsible for the entire cost.
Anyhow, the purpose of this post is just to vent. It probably sounds stupid but I have a hard enough time with just finally trying to process through Samantha's loss and readjusting to life and the holidays coming up and now this is a major stressor too. It makes me upset all over again because I'm stressed.
I'm trying to trust God...it's hard.
Shannon
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