Made For Perfection by Shannon Schroeder

Made For Perfection (by Shannon Schroeder)

We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face

Day by day,
I see the tears of people crying
Every single day,
I hear about another person dying
And I think how much it hurts
How cruel life can be
And then I remember how you made us
Then I finally see

We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face

There's a man who's walking by me
He's hungry and alone
A mother with just her babies
No place to call their home
A teenage girl with no friends
Who wants to end her life
A little boy who's hurting
Because he just lost another fight

We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face

One day, things will be restored
One day, this will pass, it will be no more
One day, things will be perfect once again
So we wait, we pray until then

We were made for perfection
We weren't made to live this way
We were made for eternity
Not just living day to day
We were made to live in joy
To walk with you always
And someday things will be restored
Again, we'll see you face to face

Trying Not To Be Angry With God

After I wrote my last post, I tried not to get angry with God. It is so hard not to sometimes. It's not that I hate Him. It's just me in my human and sinful nature rebelling against Him because I don't understand. I really don't want to be angry with God. I am just so sad and I don't understand which makes it natural to question why and then leads to anger when (to my eyes) there seems to be no just answer.

Part of it has to do with a sexual struggle that Chris and I have had since we were married. I have vaginismus (painful intercourse) and at first penetration was difficult. I'm not ready to talk about all of that right now.

Also, I have had plenty of others ups and downs. I have Charcot Marie Tooth Disease (an inherited peripheral neuropathy) and most of my teenage years were consumed with tests, doctor's appointments, and procedures trying to diagnose that. For awhile, they thought it was something more serious. Thank God, it wasn't but....

I've also had an aneurysmal bone cyst removed twice. It wasn't cancerous but it impacted my life quite a bit.

I've struggled emotionally and in my family with different issues.

Sometimes I want to ask ISN'T THAT ENOUGH!? WHY? HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH?

And I want to be excused from this pain because "I'm a good person." I have never been drunk. I didn't have sex until I was married. I didn't do this or that or this or that. But I know that I have sinned, we all have, and that I live in a sinful world where bad things do happen to people and I just have such a difficult time with that concept. I guess we all do. Because we were made for perfection.

And so.....I am trying not to ask why...As my good friend N said "You can't ask why because after all, why not?" She's so right and when I remember that, I am convicted. I can't justify and judge God's actions--nor unjustify. He is the only one right and good!

But does it mean that my sinful self doesn't creep to the surface at times? Absolutely not.

Sigh....

Shannon

Yes, I'd Like To Talk About Samantha

Right now, I am feeling a lot of sadness. I hopped on my Facebook to see what was happening. There are three people on there that are currently pregnant. There was dialogue and excitement about having a baby and a family member who felt her baby's first kick. I'm so happy for them. I really am. I say that with no malice or sarcasm. I really am glad for the blessing God has given them.

But...I'm sad for me. I think I can be allowed to be sad for me. It feels like it might be getting harder again. My sadness. I don't know what to do with it. I haven't been crying as much. The tears just aren't there. But inside, it's welling up still.

I miss being pregnant. I miss the anticipation of what was to come. I miss Samantha. I miss the daily excitement. I miss it all. I want it back so badly. I just feel like my life suddenly feels so empty. I am a mom and I want my baby back. But I can't have her. I wish I could go join her and Jesus but I know that this is life and it's precious too and so I have to stay here as long as God intends.

I want to be pregnant again so badly. And then at the same time I fear it. Does that make sense? To me, it does. I wonder if anyone else gets it.

Sometimes I worry about people forgetting Samantha. I loved my best friend J who put as her Facebook status that she missed her grandparents and her baby niece Samantha. I loved that more than I can even begin to express. Because it acknowledged her life. Some people in our life haven't called her by name. My best friends have been so good about that and that is so healing! When I say "I'm having a hard time" and they say "I miss Samantha too" it absolutely makes my day. They love me and my baby. It's so special. I am so blessed by these people.

Please, please....this is my request to anyone reading this. Don't be afraid to say a baby's name if they are gone. Ask the parents if they'd like to talk about her. Then acknowledge her/him by name. In my case, say something "would you like to talk about Samantha?" Chances are that yes, I'd like to incorporate her into my daily talk because she's part of my LIFE! I'm thinking about her anyhow. To pretend she doesn't exist is so barbaric and so 1920s!!! Same concept as children should be seen and not heard. CRAZY stuff.

Anyhow, I know I went off on a bit of a rant there but I promises myself this would a safe place to express my feelings. So there....you got it: expression!

Blessings to all of you.

Shannon