I just saw that I have two followers and I can not tell a lie...it excited me! I felt like I wasn't a crazy mommy on a rant anymore but that my feelings and what I have to say has value. Thanks M.P. and J.F. You guys are great.
~Shannon
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Miscarriage has no closure
I know this may sound crazy but one of the things that I've struggled with the most is feeling a lack of closure about losing Samantha. I mean when someone dies, expected or unexpected, one can expect a funeral or memorial service, sharing of memories, phone calls and connections made with old friends and family, perhaps a Facebook group started to share stories, one last look at the body, pictures to be brought and tangible things that reflect the past. A newspaper obituary honors the one who has passed. A grave stone marks the resting place of the body of the deceased. It is a place where people can go and remember.
When a miscarriage occurs, you have none of that closure. There is no body to bury. There is not a funeral or a memorial service where friends and family surround you. There are few phone calls but not to people who have known this person over the years because for your baby there were no years and years for people to get to know them. And the hardest part is the lack of pictures, tangible things, and worst of all, memories. There are no memories. The closest thing you have to memories are a pregnancy test, a few infant items, some greeting cards, and if you are blessed like we were, an ultrasound picture that showed a fluttering tiny blur of baby but that reminds you (even when you start to think you are losing it!) that your baby did indeed exist, even if only for the blink of an eye in this world. There is no place to go after it's all over. Having a D&C made the whole process quick and then suddenly it was over. I still am struggling with envisioning my sweet baby and the remains of the pregnancy from my uterus being processed in specimen jars and tubes and being sent off to the lab at the hospital we were at.
The lack of memories is the hardest. How I ache for at least more of that pregnancy...to have felt her move inside of me. Or even one day, to baptize her, to share her with friends and family, to take pictures, to touch her and tell her we love her. To pray over her. Even again, I say, more of that pregnancy...so that I could have prayed more for her, loved her more, read to her once her hearing developed. But there is no more. There are no memories. There are only wish thats, should haves, wanted tos, and never cans.
I am not bitter. I don't mean to sound angry in case I come across that way. I am just heartbroken. We accept what God has done and we know that He knows best. However, we also know that it's okay to admit that we are hurting over it. So I am not bitter. But I am jaded. I know that an innocence and a joy that was surrounding this pregnancy and also my life have been forever taken (at least until eternity finally restores that to me) and that things will never be the same. I already find myself being a more contemplative, quieter person. I know that God will use that though, with me, to strengthen my relationship with Him, with Chris, and to bring glory to Jesus. So I am content. Heartbroken but content.
I wanted to write an obituary and also an epitaph. I think it would be healing for me to envision a place where I could have remembered Samantha Peep. Also, an obituary to commemorate that her life did indeed exist. For her death would not have happened had there not been life. There can be no death where there is not life. And yet despite that, we are so grateful for her short life and also for her eternal life. Death has no sting there and we yearn to join countless others someday.
~Shannon
When a miscarriage occurs, you have none of that closure. There is no body to bury. There is not a funeral or a memorial service where friends and family surround you. There are few phone calls but not to people who have known this person over the years because for your baby there were no years and years for people to get to know them. And the hardest part is the lack of pictures, tangible things, and worst of all, memories. There are no memories. The closest thing you have to memories are a pregnancy test, a few infant items, some greeting cards, and if you are blessed like we were, an ultrasound picture that showed a fluttering tiny blur of baby but that reminds you (even when you start to think you are losing it!) that your baby did indeed exist, even if only for the blink of an eye in this world. There is no place to go after it's all over. Having a D&C made the whole process quick and then suddenly it was over. I still am struggling with envisioning my sweet baby and the remains of the pregnancy from my uterus being processed in specimen jars and tubes and being sent off to the lab at the hospital we were at.
The lack of memories is the hardest. How I ache for at least more of that pregnancy...to have felt her move inside of me. Or even one day, to baptize her, to share her with friends and family, to take pictures, to touch her and tell her we love her. To pray over her. Even again, I say, more of that pregnancy...so that I could have prayed more for her, loved her more, read to her once her hearing developed. But there is no more. There are no memories. There are only wish thats, should haves, wanted tos, and never cans.
I am not bitter. I don't mean to sound angry in case I come across that way. I am just heartbroken. We accept what God has done and we know that He knows best. However, we also know that it's okay to admit that we are hurting over it. So I am not bitter. But I am jaded. I know that an innocence and a joy that was surrounding this pregnancy and also my life have been forever taken (at least until eternity finally restores that to me) and that things will never be the same. I already find myself being a more contemplative, quieter person. I know that God will use that though, with me, to strengthen my relationship with Him, with Chris, and to bring glory to Jesus. So I am content. Heartbroken but content.
I wanted to write an obituary and also an epitaph. I think it would be healing for me to envision a place where I could have remembered Samantha Peep. Also, an obituary to commemorate that her life did indeed exist. For her death would not have happened had there not been life. There can be no death where there is not life. And yet despite that, we are so grateful for her short life and also for her eternal life. Death has no sting there and we yearn to join countless others someday.
~Shannon
This blog
I'm not even sure anyone is reading this blog and that's perfectly fine with me. While I intend to share and know all of this is public, it's not the only reason I'm doing this. This blog has turned into an outlet for me, a place to reflect and explore my thoughts. I am certain that at some point I will look back and realize what a journey God has carried me on and it will cause me to praise Him even more. Thank you, Lord, for even the littlest of blessings in life like a place for me to share and other blogs of those who have lost their babies, survived, and praised you amidst the rain. You are full of surprises, and your mercies are new every day.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Mama and Dada, Mommy and Daddy, Mom and Dad, Mother and Father
All of those names listed in the title of that blog bring such a sting. We are Mommy and Daddy to a beautiful little girl but we will never get to hear her say that. And for us, being our first baby, our first pregnancy, it is so bittersweet. We are not the same people we were. We are parents now and our entire perspective has changed. Our lives were ready to revolve around-no, they WERE revolving around this special little person, and that has been taken away from us. And we feel like the circumstances around us are the same as they were before we were pregnant and yet we are not the same people. We are parents. Parents who looked forward to hearing Mama and Dada turning into Mommy and Daddy, even then Mom and Dad, and perhaps a little attitude in the teenage years with "Oh, Mother! Seriously, Father?!" But this side of heaven, we won't hear those words. I think that is why I so yearn for another child so soon. Because we are parents and yet here on earth we are childless. Everything about this seems so ironic and backwards.
~Shannon
~Shannon
Held by Natalie Grant
I posted this on our personal Facebook but I can't get past this song. I have always loved the chorus but had never really paid attention to the rest of the lyrics. I can't lie. I've been listening to it on replay about 20 times a day. It really reminds me that God is holding me. I also got our blog title out of this song where it talks about the bitter hand being dealt. It made me realize how joy often is or becomes bittersweet. For awhile there, I couldn't even feel His hands around me. But now I am starting to know that I am held. We are held. He didn't promise it would be easy but to hold us. We love you, Lord.
~Shannon
Held By Natalie Grant
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
~Shannon
Held By Natalie Grant
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
God loves Samantha Peep most
One of the areas I have been struggling with the most is trusting Samantha Peep into God's care. I had a meltdown last week. I said to Chris "How do I know that Samantha Peep is with Jesus?" He said "She's with Jesus. Trust me." But I couldn't leave it at that. We had set up a meeting with one of our pastors to process and talk about everything that happened. This pastor has been such a blessing in our lives, having seen us through pre-marital discussions and struggles, marital struggles and conflicts, and personal ups and downs. He offered to meet with us to let us process and we decided to go ahead and do that.
One of our pastors had given us some resources the first Sunday after the miscarriage had occurred. One of the books was called I'll Hold You In Heaven and while it was helpful for me in validating that our baby was truly a baby (not just a mass of cells) and also that our baby had spiritual value (a soul) it was sorely lacking in some other areas. Being that we are LCMS Lutherans, we believe (we know this to be true!) that we are sinful by nature whereas this book said that babies were with God because they hadn't transgressed against God. We knew that was not true. Some friends shared that our sweet Samantha Peep was covered under our baptisms/faith until the eighth day of birth. Our hearts and arms especially felt empty because we did not get to bring our child to the waters of baptism, something that we hold dear and near to our heart in the Lutheran church. We read elsewhere that baptism is not necessary for salvation. God uses His sacraments as means of grace but that He (being limitless) is not limited to those means.
Anyhow, fast forward ahead to our meeting. As we dialogued with our pastor, I shared my fears and questions about Samantha's salvation. I wanted him to give me hard core, certain answers. Instead, I got an honest and realistic answer. First, he agreed in saying that sinful by nature would be sinful at conception. Then he said firstly that we had exposed our baby to salvation through our prayers for her, our nightly devotions, and worship. Having said that, secondly, the Holy Spirit can certainly work in babies! That's why we believe in infant baptism. He also reminded us that the thief on the cross that Jesus said "Today, you will be with me in paradise." to was likely not baptized while there on the cross and yet faith=salvation. So since babies could be saved through faith with the help of the Holy Spirit, we needed to trust in our Heavenly Father's grace, mercy, and love. I was upset at first because this was not a solid YES or NO answer but then I realized that it was the real answer. I teared up at one point because there was no solid yes. I shared that I felt as though I should assume that Samantha was in hell because I didn't have a certain yes that she was in heaven. The pastor reminded me that none of us can never know, never have a certainty, what the standing of another person's soul is. It is only God who can see the heart and soul and only He who knows and can judge. When I was reminded of that, I was washed with a wave of peace. I was reminded that God loved and does love Samantha even more (WAY more) than Chris and I were or ever will be able to. He has no desire that she should perish. And as the Holy Spirit gave me peace, I was blessed with the realization and likelihood that all that Samantha would have known would have been God's goodness and grace. She likely escaped many of the temptations that so often cause us to go astray in this world. The Bible and Jesus (more than once) talk about having faith like a little child. I really feel as though because the older we get, the more complicated and the more tempted we are to go astray, rather than just believe. As I processed with Chris and our pastor, I was filled with the peace and the expectant hope that Samantha Peep is indeed with Jesus and that one day we will be together forever and we will hold her in heaven.
Anyhow, I have to be reminded daily that God loves Samantha more than we ever could. When I feel as though the person I loved the most (along with my husband) has been ripped away and I can't understand how God could take someone I love so much....I remember that He loved her first and that He loves her most, and that He also loves me...more than I can ever imagine.
Thank you, Lord, for your patience with me...Your ways are far better than mine.
~Shannon
One of our pastors had given us some resources the first Sunday after the miscarriage had occurred. One of the books was called I'll Hold You In Heaven and while it was helpful for me in validating that our baby was truly a baby (not just a mass of cells) and also that our baby had spiritual value (a soul) it was sorely lacking in some other areas. Being that we are LCMS Lutherans, we believe (we know this to be true!) that we are sinful by nature whereas this book said that babies were with God because they hadn't transgressed against God. We knew that was not true. Some friends shared that our sweet Samantha Peep was covered under our baptisms/faith until the eighth day of birth. Our hearts and arms especially felt empty because we did not get to bring our child to the waters of baptism, something that we hold dear and near to our heart in the Lutheran church. We read elsewhere that baptism is not necessary for salvation. God uses His sacraments as means of grace but that He (being limitless) is not limited to those means.
Anyhow, fast forward ahead to our meeting. As we dialogued with our pastor, I shared my fears and questions about Samantha's salvation. I wanted him to give me hard core, certain answers. Instead, I got an honest and realistic answer. First, he agreed in saying that sinful by nature would be sinful at conception. Then he said firstly that we had exposed our baby to salvation through our prayers for her, our nightly devotions, and worship. Having said that, secondly, the Holy Spirit can certainly work in babies! That's why we believe in infant baptism. He also reminded us that the thief on the cross that Jesus said "Today, you will be with me in paradise." to was likely not baptized while there on the cross and yet faith=salvation. So since babies could be saved through faith with the help of the Holy Spirit, we needed to trust in our Heavenly Father's grace, mercy, and love. I was upset at first because this was not a solid YES or NO answer but then I realized that it was the real answer. I teared up at one point because there was no solid yes. I shared that I felt as though I should assume that Samantha was in hell because I didn't have a certain yes that she was in heaven. The pastor reminded me that none of us can never know, never have a certainty, what the standing of another person's soul is. It is only God who can see the heart and soul and only He who knows and can judge. When I was reminded of that, I was washed with a wave of peace. I was reminded that God loved and does love Samantha even more (WAY more) than Chris and I were or ever will be able to. He has no desire that she should perish. And as the Holy Spirit gave me peace, I was blessed with the realization and likelihood that all that Samantha would have known would have been God's goodness and grace. She likely escaped many of the temptations that so often cause us to go astray in this world. The Bible and Jesus (more than once) talk about having faith like a little child. I really feel as though because the older we get, the more complicated and the more tempted we are to go astray, rather than just believe. As I processed with Chris and our pastor, I was filled with the peace and the expectant hope that Samantha Peep is indeed with Jesus and that one day we will be together forever and we will hold her in heaven.
Anyhow, I have to be reminded daily that God loves Samantha more than we ever could. When I feel as though the person I loved the most (along with my husband) has been ripped away and I can't understand how God could take someone I love so much....I remember that He loved her first and that He loves her most, and that He also loves me...more than I can ever imagine.
Thank you, Lord, for your patience with me...Your ways are far better than mine.
~Shannon
Be Still My Soul
I have always loved the song/hymn Be Still My Soul but I now feel as though it is a perfect song in our time of loss. This is the song (in bold) and my personal reflection to these sacred words.
Be Still My Soul (Katharina von Schlegel, 1752)
Be still my soul! The Lord is on thy side. Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
(Our cross is grief over the loss of our sweet baby, Samantha...whom we loved so much...)
Leave to thy God, to order and provide. In every change, He faithful will remain.
(While circumstances may have changed, our God has not....and He is still in control....)
Be still my soul! Thy best, thy Heavenly friend through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end.
(We look forward to our forever home in heaven.....)
Be still, my soul! Thy God doth undertake to guide thy future as He has the past.
(Our Heavenly Father has always guided our lives thus far...and will continue to.)
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake. All now mysterious, shall be bright at last.
(We don't need to know....now...someday the mystery will be revealed...)
Be still, my soul! The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
(All of creation know and obey our Heavenly Father, certainly my soul can be calmed by Him...)
Be still, my soul! Thy hour is hastening on when we shall be forever with the Lord.
(We will be with Jesus......and it will last forever.)
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone. Sorrow forget. Love's purest joys restored.
(Someday the thought of Samantha will not bring pain anymore....but joy! Pure joy!)
Be still, my soul! When change and tears are past, all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
(We will meet our Father, Savior, Holy Spirit, and finally our sweet baby girl....)
Lord, continue to comfort us....Help us to be patient in trusting that our time on earth is simply a blink of an eye compared to eternity.
Shannon
Be Still My Soul (Katharina von Schlegel, 1752)
Be still my soul! The Lord is on thy side. Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
(Our cross is grief over the loss of our sweet baby, Samantha...whom we loved so much...)
Leave to thy God, to order and provide. In every change, He faithful will remain.
(While circumstances may have changed, our God has not....and He is still in control....)
Be still my soul! Thy best, thy Heavenly friend through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end.
(We look forward to our forever home in heaven.....)
Be still, my soul! Thy God doth undertake to guide thy future as He has the past.
(Our Heavenly Father has always guided our lives thus far...and will continue to.)
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake. All now mysterious, shall be bright at last.
(We don't need to know....now...someday the mystery will be revealed...)
Be still, my soul! The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
(All of creation know and obey our Heavenly Father, certainly my soul can be calmed by Him...)
Be still, my soul! Thy hour is hastening on when we shall be forever with the Lord.
(We will be with Jesus......and it will last forever.)
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone. Sorrow forget. Love's purest joys restored.
(Someday the thought of Samantha will not bring pain anymore....but joy! Pure joy!)
Be still, my soul! When change and tears are past, all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
(We will meet our Father, Savior, Holy Spirit, and finally our sweet baby girl....)
Lord, continue to comfort us....Help us to be patient in trusting that our time on earth is simply a blink of an eye compared to eternity.
Shannon
A hard day...it's been two weeks
Today has been a hard one for me. I think maybe it's because I've been doing lots of blogging, listening to songs that touch my heart, and really reflecting. It's healing in a sense....the tears that come aren't sobs, just a small overflow of what is going on in my heart.
I think another reason it's been hard is because it's Wednesday. Two weeks ago, on a Wednesday, I had to have my D&C done, after we found out the day before that I'd miscarried my sweet Samantha Peep. I want to go back there (mentally) and share those experiences but I'm not ready yet. It's so hard, how I went from being pregnant to just not....and my entire life is now changed forever by this tiny baby who now lives with Jesus.
Yesterday was hard too. I started the blog but didn't write a heavy entry. I am wondering when Tuesdays and Wednesdays will stop being difficult. If I'll ever stop counting the weeks from when I miscarried? Two weeks. Two weeks and I feel like I have aged 10 years. Another thing I can't stop counting is what I should be. I should be 14.5 weeks pregnant. I should not be two weeks after my D&C....I should be in my second trimester celebrating another milestone. The symptoms that I thought were stopping because I was getting toward the end of my first trimester were actually stopping because I had miscarried. How ironic. I'd give anything to be sick again, if it meant I was pregnant.
Chris and I will never be the same. We seem to be stronger now...some sort of non-removeable superglue is holding us together. We knew this could happen. Before we were married, we talked about things like this. How marriage is supposed to last through the toughest and hardest of times and if we were faced with difficulties, could we survive? We made a heartfelt vow to always draw together in the toughest of times...and it is one of our strengths.
I found this next quote from another blog. The author is unknown.
If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you. If God had told me, "this soul will one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me, "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me "this soul would one day make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you. If He would have told me "our time spent together here on earth could be short", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me "this soul may one day make me witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me, "all that you know to be normal will drastically change", I still would have chosen you. Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you. Thank you God for letting me be his mommy!"-Author Unknown
I feel that way. Even knowing we would've miscarried, Chris and I have talked about it and we wouldn't have traded my pregnancy and our sweet Samantha Peep for anything in the world. We so love her and we know that in heaven we will all be together, worshipping and praising our Savior Jesus Christ together, forever...We are so glad we chose life. I feel so blessed for having had that precious baby in me for as long as I did.
Heavenly Father, may our words and our lives glorify you even when you mystify us.
Shannon
I think another reason it's been hard is because it's Wednesday. Two weeks ago, on a Wednesday, I had to have my D&C done, after we found out the day before that I'd miscarried my sweet Samantha Peep. I want to go back there (mentally) and share those experiences but I'm not ready yet. It's so hard, how I went from being pregnant to just not....and my entire life is now changed forever by this tiny baby who now lives with Jesus.
Yesterday was hard too. I started the blog but didn't write a heavy entry. I am wondering when Tuesdays and Wednesdays will stop being difficult. If I'll ever stop counting the weeks from when I miscarried? Two weeks. Two weeks and I feel like I have aged 10 years. Another thing I can't stop counting is what I should be. I should be 14.5 weeks pregnant. I should not be two weeks after my D&C....I should be in my second trimester celebrating another milestone. The symptoms that I thought were stopping because I was getting toward the end of my first trimester were actually stopping because I had miscarried. How ironic. I'd give anything to be sick again, if it meant I was pregnant.
Chris and I will never be the same. We seem to be stronger now...some sort of non-removeable superglue is holding us together. We knew this could happen. Before we were married, we talked about things like this. How marriage is supposed to last through the toughest and hardest of times and if we were faced with difficulties, could we survive? We made a heartfelt vow to always draw together in the toughest of times...and it is one of our strengths.
I found this next quote from another blog. The author is unknown.
If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you. If God had told me, "this soul will one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me, "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me "this soul would one day make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you. If He would have told me "our time spent together here on earth could be short", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me "this soul may one day make me witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me, "all that you know to be normal will drastically change", I still would have chosen you. Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you. Thank you God for letting me be his mommy!"-Author Unknown
I feel that way. Even knowing we would've miscarried, Chris and I have talked about it and we wouldn't have traded my pregnancy and our sweet Samantha Peep for anything in the world. We so love her and we know that in heaven we will all be together, worshipping and praising our Savior Jesus Christ together, forever...We are so glad we chose life. I feel so blessed for having had that precious baby in me for as long as I did.
Heavenly Father, may our words and our lives glorify you even when you mystify us.
Shannon
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