Best Friends

I was on the phone Sunday night with one of my very best friends in the world. We'll call her B. B and I were catching up and talking about many different things. We had an intense conversation talking about miscarriages to fear of infertility and adoption. At one point, I started rambling about Samantha and B (being the awesome friend she is) just listened. One of the things I shared that brings me comfort---this is just one version of a similar scene I've envisioned over and over again:

Sometimes I don't know how to envision heaven. Perhaps it is just angels and saints and a throne and singing praises every single moment. But perhaps it is more like the Garden of Eden where we worship God but He also walks amongst us and He talks with us. We don't just stand here singing but we live with Him. I have to believe (in my tiny mind) that it's more like that. God is so relational. When He made us, He made us to have a relationship with Him. Yes, to glorify Him, but also for relationship. Even when He made Adam, He saw a need for Eve. So if God is relational and just walks amongst us in heaven, I envision heaven to be a beautiful place. The creation we have now except it's perfect. There's no destruction and just perfect beauty. Jesus walks with His people. I envision being there sitting on a bench in some beautiful nook of woods with Samantha. I see her squirming happily. She's got long blonde hair and mischievious blue eyes. She is wearing a white dress. She's young but understands it all. As she squirms she says "Oh, Mommy! I am so glad you are here! I mean I've been so happy here but I am glad to meet you! I love it here. I love it all and most of all, I love Jesus. He's my very best friend." And I look up and behind me is Jesus. And He says "Can I sit with you guys?" And Jesus comes and He sits with us. Jesus, Mommy, and Samantha Peep are snuggling and hugging and laughing...and life is well, perfect. There's no fear in the back of my mind. No sadness (not one drop!) that this will come to an end. Nothing....it's just beautiful and perfect. Mommy, Samantha, and Jesus....and of course, Daddy comes and joins us too...

B sighed nicely said "That sounds so wonderful, Shannon." And then she said something that made me cry but truly delighted me. "Can I come and sit with you and my goddaughter too?" (B and J are the couple we would have asked to be godparents because they were so influential when I almost had an abortion...and I had shared that with her.) I teared up and "I would love that so much!"

And so we look forward to heaven....And dear God, thank you for best friends who love me and love my child just as she is, a precious child of God, even though we never met her!

~Shannon

Eating Disorder

I have to say that I can't wait to be pregnant again. One is for a totally selfish reason. When I was pregnant, I felt as though I was motivated to eat healthily and not to give into crazy purging techniques because I had a little baby in my care. But now, I'm left to fend on my own. I am still doing okay but it can be hard. I wish I had that motivation though....I have to remind myself that there are plenty of other motivators.

And I just miss you, Samantha.

Shannon

Didn't Light A Candle

Friday night, Chris and I went to a football game with his family. We had a good time. However, halfway there, Chris's alarm on his phone went off. We were both perplexed and then I said "Oh no! How can we light a candle for Samantha Peep at 7 PM if we are not home?!" I started hyperventilating. He told me to breathe. Then I calmed down. I had a realization.

My job now isn't to take care of Samantha Peep. Samantha is more than completely taken care of in God's hands. I did what I could do while our sweet baby was growing inside of my womb. But that's all I could do. Now my earthly work as her mom is done. However, my job is to take what I've learned and to bring glory to God and to witness.

When I realized this, I said "The only one who can make me feel guilty about not lighting a candle is ME. And I'm not going to make myself feel guilty. I'm out. I'm trying to live life and accept that God wants me here right now. So I'm not going to regret my life."

So...I have to remember that the only one who can make me feel guilty is me.

~Shannon

Doctor's Appointment

Yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment. Remember last week I had been nervous but needed some medication. My therapist, whom I will refer to as J, recommended me to Dr. F. She said she was great and easy to talk to. J also reassured me that I wouldn't have to get on the scale. She was right.

We got there and they did the standard things like height, temperature, blood pressure, and talked with the nurse. Then Dr. F came in. She was awesome. She was very easy to talk to and we dialogued about meds that are safe for pregnancy, etc. She put me on an antidepressant and an antihistamine to help me sleep again.

Anyhow, because I was so tough and brave (haha) Chris took me shopping. I found some clothes and a few other things. It was pretty awesome. But of course, when we passed the baby section in the store, my heart yearned and it hurt. I felt myself go numb for a minute and we just had to continue on. However, toward the end of our shopping, I did go back into that section. It still hurts...it's still painful but I trust that we will have more babies and also I have friends/family members having babies and we want to be able to celebrate in their joy because life is always joyful.

So I survived and I have some medicinal help. It'll take a couple of weeks to take effect and my hope is that it is short term but I will take it.

~Shannon