Confession

Here's a confession I haven't shared with everyone yet.

I felt truly ugly on my wedding day and in the pictures I saw afterwards...to this day, it's still a stressful subject for me.

Sometimes I like that picture and sometimes I hate it. My mind feels so confused.

~Shannon

Feeling lifeless and purposeless

I was doing okay. Then about ten minutes ago I felt myself starting to slide into a funk. When I was with family and friends over this whole break, I felt loved and like maybe my life had an impact on someone else's life....but now I am back at work and I feel purposeless. Which leads to me feeling lifeless. Like I have no energy, joy, or vitality.

I feel like maybe I shouldn't have said anything about the 'incident'....I don't think I fully understood the impact it would have and maybe I should have waited until I was better prepared. I wasn't ready for my parents to call and say that they talked to 'him' but it is what it is. I am not writing this because I'm mad at anyone or anything...it's merely circumstantial frustration. Well, I might be angry at him because he did this to me which did this to us. Also, I am frustrated because another family member seems to be pushing me away. I don't know if they think I made this up or what. I did not make this up. I merely finally told because I got the courage to open my mouth and say something. J thinks it was because I was pregnant and had been thinking about keeping our children safe.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED AND FEELING OUT OF CONTROL RIGHT NOW AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO DO SOMETHING BAD.

But I will sit, breathe, close my eyes, and whisper a prayer, and hope for that peace that surpasses all understanding.

Please just love me right now. That is what I need most of all. I am feeling alone.

~Shannon

Dear God

Dear God,

Could you please bless me with a baby? I would really try to be a good mom. I promise to teach the baby about you. If it's your will, please give us a child. If not, give us peace and patience.

Love, Shannon



I am so hoping that this year is the year we get babies. Mom V. (my mother in law) made a very good point about how God might be getting us ready to be parents....I hope that's true. Sigh..I am NOT good at waiting. Oh well........

~Shannon

I love my mom

Why do I love my mom?
There's a lot of reasons...but one big one is because her and my dad were brave enough to confront the person in my extended family whom the incident occurred with.

That's so tough and I can't imagine how hard it was...but they did it.

I do love my mom.....and I felt she should know it!

~Shannon

highs and lows

When I was a camp counselor we used to have to share our high and lows at the end of each day. Since I am just getting back to work and feeling fairly reflective about the past two weeks, I thought I'd share my top twenty highs and top ten lows. So I guess it's good that I have more highs than lows!

We'll start with highs:

1. Chris getting off early on Christmas Eve and then being called off Christmas Day! He was able to celebrate it after all!

2. Mega epic family bonding time with the in-laws! I especially love Mom, H, and K. You guys were such a blessing.

3. New boots, mascara, and socks! Those were only a few of my awesome gifts.

4. M&Monary INSTEAD of pictionary.....where you eat your mistakes. Thanks T.V.

5. Spending time with our god-daughter. LOVE THAT LITTLE GIRL! Octopus....!

6. Having a little hope that I may be pregnant again...we'll wait a couple days and see.

7. 97 cent shirt at JC PENNEY!

8. Half off LIP SMACKERS Christmas clearance. Addicted to lip balm seriously....

9. Cheese curd. Soooo good.

10. NARNIA! The third movie is so my favorite....

11. Not having to go to work...he he....

12. Becca and John....best friends are great.

13. Meeting Elizabeth---cousin in Chris's family!

14. Reaching 5 month anniversary of not having given into bulimia....

15. Dudley---a very small dog---liking Cassie---a bigger dog---but Cassie being afraid of Dudley! lol!

16. Annabelle liking Cassie

17. Having parent in laws help us with tons of things around the house! So ready now for 2011.

18. 7 layer mexican dip and beef and cream cheese roll ups...wouldn't be New Year's Eve without them.

19. Finally sleeping again

20. Waking up multiple mornings and being so glad I had been kept from giving into the temptation of the eating disorder.....


Now for my ten lows:

1. My parents calling and telling me they'd talked to the family member about the incident and I wasn't thrilled with that person's response.

2. Freaking out over calories in cottage cheese

3. Freaking out over calories in ginger ale

4. GPS adventures coming back from New York

5. Crying through the whole Christmas Eve service

6. Losing my eyeliner (BUT LATER DID FIND IT!!!)

7. Spending 7 dollars for a toothbrush....

8. Being clawed by Izzi because she's afraid of dogs

9. Losing my voice mostly!

10. Heather having to sleep on an air mattress in the bedroom door to keep me from accessing the bathroom


All in all, it was a good time and we plowed through the rough.

~Shannon