Who You'd Be Today

Kenny Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today"

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

Compassionate Friends

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Brochures/stillbirth_miscarriage_and_infant_death.aspx

Hey...check out that link to Compassionate Friends. This is their brochure/info on stillbirth/miscarriage/infant death. I find it highly encouraging to read because I don't feel crazy now. I may try to check out one of their meetings. The local women's hospital where I had the D&C done also has regular meetings for those struggling with baby loss. I may call them too.

~Shannon

Three weeks

Three weeks ago, I had the D&C done. I feel like I will never stop associating Wednesdays with that experience. Tuesdays with finding out about the loss and Wednesday with the procedure. I felt as though my baby was being taken from me even though I knew she was already gone. I miss her still.

~Shannon

Missing my baby (and hormones!)

I'm certain that my hormones fluctuating must cause me some of my depression and grief over the lost baby. Sometimes I'm completely fine. And then BAM! Tears....Last night was like that. I was tempted to check myself in to our psychiatric hospital in town. Chris and I talked and I calmed down. I have an appointment with my new doctor next Monday but it feels so far off. Don't worry...I wouldn't do anything irrational. I would definitely ask for help and find it before doing anything that would hurt me. I don't want to hurt myself...but I also don't want to feel like I want to hurt myself! I just miss Samantha terribly. My body feels empty, my life feels empty, my heart feels empty. I know I can't rely on those feelings but that's how it is. I want another baby to love on and to raise....

~Shannon

Fighting the eating disorder

The eating disorder (which I often use to refer to my struggle rather than bulimia because I was not a classic bulimic especially not in recent times) is trying to rear it's head on me again. But today I had a hopeful thought. The last time I did anything like take laxatives, throw up, etc. was July 30th. That was 2 months and 13 days ago. I have made it that long. Of course, I had the motivation of taking care of a little baby. But who knows...there could be a little one in me right now again. One can not know. Also, why would I do something to myself that I would never allow anyone else that I love to do to themself? It is not logical. I forced myself to eat a healthy breakfast and now I am finally eating lunch (it was a battle....it's now 2:15 PM) today and I will go home and eat dinner. Chris and I will take a walk, maybe play some football, and we'll have a nice night. I will not succumb to the false temptations that offer me temporary relief and control.

Sometimes I wonder if this is my cross to bear....

Jealousy, Questioning, Confusion

Since all of this happened, since I knew all of this might happen, I have struggled with not asking why. But I've tried not to ask. I tried and have been content be mystified and confused. But yesterday, those feelings in me arose. I know that anger and questioning is a part of grieving but it's a part I'm not comfortable with. It makes me want to flee from those feelings. So there's three things I'm struggling with.

I am struggling with jealousy. Perhaps envy is a better word. I am not coveting what my neighbor has, not wishing I had it instead of them but just wondering why I don't have it too. I would never wish my dearest friends and family members to go through a miscarriage but I can't help but envy those that are pregnant and wish I was in the same boat. Last night, I had a great conversation with a dear friend (thanks S.B.) who is pregnant and would have been just a week or two behind me if I was still. She was a blessing to talk to. Being a mom herself now, I feel like she really understands how much I loved little Samantha. I had prayed that God would let my one of my best friends be pregnant with me. I felt as though my prayers were answered when she called and said she was pregnant. I was so excited. So now I am sad. I started to think that maybe God liked this dear friend more than me but then I realized that wasn't rational or true but my sinful self thinking.

I also realized that even though their is pain in the blessing of her pregnancy for me, there is also blessing. As I said, she has still been a close support and she does understand the "mom" feelings that arise in me because she is there herself. So I can't fault God. He is good. His ways are better than mine.

I also struggle with questioning. Why would God do this to me? Is this a punishment? While I know all the rational and clear areas and what Scripture tells me, it still doesn't answer those deep questions that lurk in the back of my mind and arise in the dead of night.

Confusion goes along with questioning. Did I do something wrong? Why did He let me fall in love just to take the baby away? The other thing that I wonder about is if there's something wrong with my body. Will I have other children?

However, the fact of the matter is that only God knows the depths of my heart and the answer to all my hurts. And while I don't understand how He works, one thing remains preeminent in my life; that He is good and loves me always. I know He would never hurt me.

But yet....I am still human and must contend with my envy, questions, and confusion....

~Shannon