I know many of you are following but that many more of you are reading. I just wanted to say thank you for listening. It means a lot to me. You are all a blessing. I enjoyed and appreciated all your comments this morning. Sorry I didn't get a chance to reply to all of them.
Thank you for your support.
~Shannon
Monday, October 11, 2010
Journey of our pregnancy (highly personal) Up until the bleeding started
Our pregnancy was an adventure....I am finally coming clean with people, telling them the whole story, and I think it's really helped us. It also helps others to realize why we might have had such a few stressful months and what led up to the miscarriage that really was only the climax of our life story and now the downhill climb from that.
On July 10th, I was a matron of honor in my best friend's wedding. It was a fantastic time. Leading up to the wedding though, I had been really actively struggling with my eating disorder. It had been a major issue. However, by the time the wedding rolled around and I had spent a couple of days prior with many of my best friends, I was doing great. I was remembering that Chris and I were madly in love, about to celebrate our two year anniversary (July 11th) and that I was with my best friends who love me, no matter what I look like or do...just because I'm me. These are girls who were as close to me as my sisters in college and still remain that way today. So I was thrilled and blessed to be able to be with them. I actually enjoyed the wedding day, felt comfortable in my matron of honor dress, and was able to dance, laugh, and celebrate the night away until Chris and I had to head back home. Halfway home, we stopped at a hotel that we had made reservations at. It was past midnight, now our anniversary, and we know now that we conceived little Samantha Peep that night. We had tossed caution to the wind and said "Lord, if you want us to have a baby, here's your chance." Funny how that worked out.
The next week was crazy. We worked a few days then loaded up our things and headed to New Orleans with our youth group and two other leaders, our DCE, and 12 youth for the LCMS National Youth Gathering themed We Believe. We had a fantastic time, grew in our faith, and bonded with our group. I truly believe that God blessed the timing of this pregnancy by allowing us that experience to grow spiritually before finding out our lives were going to change. It was great. My eating disorder did great and stayed away while on the trip. I wanted to simply enjoy the moment and I loved being with our youth, whom I know for a fact love me for me. This was a major blessing. However, while I was down there, I kept feeling sick. I know now it was morning sickness...not late night pizza and overstimulating music! E.N. kept saying "Maybe you're pregnant!" I was like "No....well....maybe?!"
We came back from New Orleans and when no period arrived and I could not recall the exact date of my last period, I decided to take a pregnancy test on Saturday, July 24th. I had previously been taking pregnancy tests each month since my periods had been not irregular but coming a wee bit late each month. They had all come up negative and I imagined this one would too. So imagine my surprise when it came up with two lines, not one, and conclusively screamed POSITIVE.
At this point, I wish I could say that I bought baby carrots, baby whatevers, and whatevers and made my husband a nice dinner to surprise him when he came home. No, instead I called him crying. Well, actually I managed to hold my tears for a bit. I figured if I couldn't wait because I was too upset, I could at least tell him without crying. He answered his cell phone....so I said "Hey....." He said "Hey, what's up?" I was like "Oh well, I just wanted to give you a call and let you know that we're having a baby." I tried, semi-successfully, to sound excited and not cry. He was like, "For real? Are you serious?" I was like, "For real, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive." He was like "We're having a baby....how do YOU feel about that?" He sounded excited and then I burst into tears....."I'm FREAKING OUT!! I don't know how we're going to do this. We shouldn't have done this. You said I wouldn't get pregnant! Ahhhh!" And cried....then calmed, then cried, then calmed. Throughout the day waiting for him to come home, I was filled with ups and downs. I called one of my best friends and told her what was going on. We talked and she was very encouraging through my tears. Finally Chris came home and he reassured me that everything would be fine and dandy and we would make the finacial situation work, etc. This started to calm me and over the next five days I would calm down, fall in love with Peep, and even get excited about being pregnant.
Monday, July 26th rolled around. I called the doctor's office (because I hadn't been able to call over the weekend) and they asked when my last period was. Because I couldn't tell them (DUMB me!) I had to go in for a pregnancy confirmation visit on Friday, July 30th. Chris and I called to share what was going with the eating disorder because currently I had been in counseling and we knew that getting on a scale would be a problem for me. They agreed to weigh me backwards and not say the number.
All week was good. I was nervous but excited. I was pregnant! When we went to the appointment, Chris agreed that he would stay near me during the weigh in to remind them. Unfortunately, prior to the weigh in, I had to give a urine sample. When I came out of the bathroom, Chris was gone. The nurse told me she'd sent him back to my exam room. She escorted me into the scale area and not only did she weigh someone else in front of me, she weighed me and said my number out loud! I was pretty hysterical by the time I got to the exam room. Chris took one look at me and he was angry. He knew what had happened. He slammed his sunglasses to the floor. He's like "I shouldn't have left you!" By the time our doctor came in, I was sobbing hysterically and claiming to Chris "I'm not having this baby. I can't get on or NEAR the scale again." The doctor apologized. I, through tears, said "We called about this....so this wouldn't happen!" The doctors said "I know you did. It's right here in your chart. I can see that. I knew you had called. Apparently they missed it. I am so, so sorry, Shannon." He did a brief examination and then told me to come back in four weeks. He was very gentle, kind, and highly apologetic which made things a little better but not much. He concluded that I was five weeks pregnant and due at the beginning of April.
After the appointment, I marched out of the office. Chris attempted to follow me. I was screaming "I am not having this baby!" After I finally got him to leave me alone, it was a terrible afternoon. I went to work, looked up the nearest Planned Parenthood (even though I am COMPLETELY pro-life, that's how hysterical I was) and took a bus downtown. I got there only to be told that I had to call another location/number to set up an abortion. I'm so thankful I couldn't do it immediately because I would have made a very rash, very bad decision. I actually set up the appointment for the following week. Then I finally let Chris (who had been wandering all over Pittsburgh) pick me up. He had been talking with our pastor and two of our very good friends (whom we were supposed to see that weekend at their in-laws) and they had been calling me. Chris came and got me but I was highly insistent that I didn't want to see our friends. After sobbing and talking for a long time, I said "But I don't want to have an abortion! I just CAN'T get on the scale...." It was bad. Chris agreed to call the OBGYN office and ask them if I could stay away from the scale. You see, it was so bad because I had told myself the worst wouldn't happen and then it did. Now, I couldn't even go NEAR the scale. Anyhow, the office manager reassured Chris that likely that would not be a problem since the doctor himself had said "I don't think she can be anywhere a scale." He was right. We ended up cancelling the abortion, going and seeing our friends, and in the next few days we were reassured and became excited about the pregnancy once again, especially knowing I wouldn't have to get on the scale. Anyhow, though, I secretly wished I would miscarry right after I cancelled the abortion, a secret wish that I would end up regretting a couple of days later and pray that the Lord would forgive me and forget my wish. I know that what happened is not because I wished for it but it still makes it a little harder.
Over the next two weeks, we grew thrilled about the pregnancy. God granted me joy and peace! I wrote our little Peep letters. I slowly slid into the motherhood role and was content and overjoyed about how wonderful life would be. I prayed for our baby. I bought things and I told my mom and my best friends. I needed these women I talked with so regularly to be on board. They were overjoyed and their joy multiplied ours. I even prayed that one of my best friends would become pregnant. One did! I was overjoyed when she called, looking forward to sharing the joy of pregnancy and our future parenting.
That was fine until two weeks after my prenatal visit. Friday, August 15th, I started bleeding.
That's all I have time to write today. I'll write the rest of our journey tomorrow. Blessings and love to all of you.
~Shannon
On July 10th, I was a matron of honor in my best friend's wedding. It was a fantastic time. Leading up to the wedding though, I had been really actively struggling with my eating disorder. It had been a major issue. However, by the time the wedding rolled around and I had spent a couple of days prior with many of my best friends, I was doing great. I was remembering that Chris and I were madly in love, about to celebrate our two year anniversary (July 11th) and that I was with my best friends who love me, no matter what I look like or do...just because I'm me. These are girls who were as close to me as my sisters in college and still remain that way today. So I was thrilled and blessed to be able to be with them. I actually enjoyed the wedding day, felt comfortable in my matron of honor dress, and was able to dance, laugh, and celebrate the night away until Chris and I had to head back home. Halfway home, we stopped at a hotel that we had made reservations at. It was past midnight, now our anniversary, and we know now that we conceived little Samantha Peep that night. We had tossed caution to the wind and said "Lord, if you want us to have a baby, here's your chance." Funny how that worked out.
The next week was crazy. We worked a few days then loaded up our things and headed to New Orleans with our youth group and two other leaders, our DCE, and 12 youth for the LCMS National Youth Gathering themed We Believe. We had a fantastic time, grew in our faith, and bonded with our group. I truly believe that God blessed the timing of this pregnancy by allowing us that experience to grow spiritually before finding out our lives were going to change. It was great. My eating disorder did great and stayed away while on the trip. I wanted to simply enjoy the moment and I loved being with our youth, whom I know for a fact love me for me. This was a major blessing. However, while I was down there, I kept feeling sick. I know now it was morning sickness...not late night pizza and overstimulating music! E.N. kept saying "Maybe you're pregnant!" I was like "No....well....maybe?!"
We came back from New Orleans and when no period arrived and I could not recall the exact date of my last period, I decided to take a pregnancy test on Saturday, July 24th. I had previously been taking pregnancy tests each month since my periods had been not irregular but coming a wee bit late each month. They had all come up negative and I imagined this one would too. So imagine my surprise when it came up with two lines, not one, and conclusively screamed POSITIVE.
At this point, I wish I could say that I bought baby carrots, baby whatevers, and whatevers and made my husband a nice dinner to surprise him when he came home. No, instead I called him crying. Well, actually I managed to hold my tears for a bit. I figured if I couldn't wait because I was too upset, I could at least tell him without crying. He answered his cell phone....so I said "Hey....." He said "Hey, what's up?" I was like "Oh well, I just wanted to give you a call and let you know that we're having a baby." I tried, semi-successfully, to sound excited and not cry. He was like, "For real? Are you serious?" I was like, "For real, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive." He was like "We're having a baby....how do YOU feel about that?" He sounded excited and then I burst into tears....."I'm FREAKING OUT!! I don't know how we're going to do this. We shouldn't have done this. You said I wouldn't get pregnant! Ahhhh!" And cried....then calmed, then cried, then calmed. Throughout the day waiting for him to come home, I was filled with ups and downs. I called one of my best friends and told her what was going on. We talked and she was very encouraging through my tears. Finally Chris came home and he reassured me that everything would be fine and dandy and we would make the finacial situation work, etc. This started to calm me and over the next five days I would calm down, fall in love with Peep, and even get excited about being pregnant.
Monday, July 26th rolled around. I called the doctor's office (because I hadn't been able to call over the weekend) and they asked when my last period was. Because I couldn't tell them (DUMB me!) I had to go in for a pregnancy confirmation visit on Friday, July 30th. Chris and I called to share what was going with the eating disorder because currently I had been in counseling and we knew that getting on a scale would be a problem for me. They agreed to weigh me backwards and not say the number.
All week was good. I was nervous but excited. I was pregnant! When we went to the appointment, Chris agreed that he would stay near me during the weigh in to remind them. Unfortunately, prior to the weigh in, I had to give a urine sample. When I came out of the bathroom, Chris was gone. The nurse told me she'd sent him back to my exam room. She escorted me into the scale area and not only did she weigh someone else in front of me, she weighed me and said my number out loud! I was pretty hysterical by the time I got to the exam room. Chris took one look at me and he was angry. He knew what had happened. He slammed his sunglasses to the floor. He's like "I shouldn't have left you!" By the time our doctor came in, I was sobbing hysterically and claiming to Chris "I'm not having this baby. I can't get on or NEAR the scale again." The doctor apologized. I, through tears, said "We called about this....so this wouldn't happen!" The doctors said "I know you did. It's right here in your chart. I can see that. I knew you had called. Apparently they missed it. I am so, so sorry, Shannon." He did a brief examination and then told me to come back in four weeks. He was very gentle, kind, and highly apologetic which made things a little better but not much. He concluded that I was five weeks pregnant and due at the beginning of April.
After the appointment, I marched out of the office. Chris attempted to follow me. I was screaming "I am not having this baby!" After I finally got him to leave me alone, it was a terrible afternoon. I went to work, looked up the nearest Planned Parenthood (even though I am COMPLETELY pro-life, that's how hysterical I was) and took a bus downtown. I got there only to be told that I had to call another location/number to set up an abortion. I'm so thankful I couldn't do it immediately because I would have made a very rash, very bad decision. I actually set up the appointment for the following week. Then I finally let Chris (who had been wandering all over Pittsburgh) pick me up. He had been talking with our pastor and two of our very good friends (whom we were supposed to see that weekend at their in-laws) and they had been calling me. Chris came and got me but I was highly insistent that I didn't want to see our friends. After sobbing and talking for a long time, I said "But I don't want to have an abortion! I just CAN'T get on the scale...." It was bad. Chris agreed to call the OBGYN office and ask them if I could stay away from the scale. You see, it was so bad because I had told myself the worst wouldn't happen and then it did. Now, I couldn't even go NEAR the scale. Anyhow, the office manager reassured Chris that likely that would not be a problem since the doctor himself had said "I don't think she can be anywhere a scale." He was right. We ended up cancelling the abortion, going and seeing our friends, and in the next few days we were reassured and became excited about the pregnancy once again, especially knowing I wouldn't have to get on the scale. Anyhow, though, I secretly wished I would miscarry right after I cancelled the abortion, a secret wish that I would end up regretting a couple of days later and pray that the Lord would forgive me and forget my wish. I know that what happened is not because I wished for it but it still makes it a little harder.
Over the next two weeks, we grew thrilled about the pregnancy. God granted me joy and peace! I wrote our little Peep letters. I slowly slid into the motherhood role and was content and overjoyed about how wonderful life would be. I prayed for our baby. I bought things and I told my mom and my best friends. I needed these women I talked with so regularly to be on board. They were overjoyed and their joy multiplied ours. I even prayed that one of my best friends would become pregnant. One did! I was overjoyed when she called, looking forward to sharing the joy of pregnancy and our future parenting.
That was fine until two weeks after my prenatal visit. Friday, August 15th, I started bleeding.
That's all I have time to write today. I'll write the rest of our journey tomorrow. Blessings and love to all of you.
~Shannon
Doctors
Today has been especially bad. After yesterday afternoon and a bit of a rough morning, I called my therapist. I was in desperate need of some direction and needing to find a doctor. Chris and I had been seeing his old doctor's office in Butler but I had decided I needed to see someone new for a few reasons. Anyhow, here's where I come clean about all of this. I am tired of keeping it all hidden away and secrets from our family and friends. It's time to be real.
The real reason I struggled with finding a doctor and needing to see one but not wanting to see one was that I have a deep and intense and incredibly irrational fear of getting on the scale at the doctor's office. I'm not sure when this started. I can weigh myself at home. I can weigh myself in front of Chris (that didn't happen overnight) but at some point I began avoiding the doctor's office to avoid the scale. It didn't matter what the number was, I would freak out one way or another. Anyhow, this is part of my journey in struggling with an eating disorder. So I started to avoid doctors and scales. But I still have to be able to see a doctor. Thankfully, my therapist just recommended me to a very nice female doctor and she says I will not have to get on the scale because it is not worth it for my eating disorder to come back after working so hard to fight it. That's reassuring.
Anyhow, check out my next post on what I will call the entire journey of our pregnancy.
~Shannon
The real reason I struggled with finding a doctor and needing to see one but not wanting to see one was that I have a deep and intense and incredibly irrational fear of getting on the scale at the doctor's office. I'm not sure when this started. I can weigh myself at home. I can weigh myself in front of Chris (that didn't happen overnight) but at some point I began avoiding the doctor's office to avoid the scale. It didn't matter what the number was, I would freak out one way or another. Anyhow, this is part of my journey in struggling with an eating disorder. So I started to avoid doctors and scales. But I still have to be able to see a doctor. Thankfully, my therapist just recommended me to a very nice female doctor and she says I will not have to get on the scale because it is not worth it for my eating disorder to come back after working so hard to fight it. That's reassuring.
Anyhow, check out my next post on what I will call the entire journey of our pregnancy.
~Shannon
The past few days
The past few days I haven't blogged because I didn't access to Internet. On Friday, we celebrated our anniversary. We decided, in lieu of presents, to just spend the day together. We had cinnamon rolls for breakfast, finished our last episode of Lost to send it back to Netflix, and then headed off to do some shopping and spend lunch out. We had Japanese for lunch and found me a new shirt, picked up the movie Fireproof, as well as a book on stewardship, and picked up some more jewelry making things for me. We mainly just enjoyed being together. We did our grocery shopping and then had take out Chinese for dinner (it was a no cooking day for us because cooking has been EXHAUSTING lately) and things were mostly good. I had been feeling a wee bit emotional throughout the day, seeing baby things, etc., but had handled it well and we had a generally good day.
Unfortunately, as evening neared, I felt myself getting agitated. I didn't know what was going on so I just tried to push it aside but that didn't work out so well. We were playing chess when I made one bad move. Chris was like "really?" (in wonder) as he moved in on my queen. I had just noticed my bad move (had been having a hard time focusing on the game anyhow) and freaked out. I swept my hand across the chess board and dashed out of the room sobbing. I'm pretty sure it wasn't the chess board that set me off but rather just that anxious, sad, irritable edge that had been welling up in me. Sure enough, I sobbed and cried and Chris just held me for a bit that evening. It was rough and I was upset because I felt as though I had ruined our "special" anniversary day. But no days lately have been one hundred percent good so I'm not sure what I expected. If I thought I could just pretend things were great and forget everything for a day? Not that Chris was expecting anything but I put the pressure on...I had an expectation. But overall, it was okay.
Saturday, we went and saw Life As We Know It. It was a relatively good movie. Of course, it made me cry (being about babies, etc.) I did sob a couple of times but I also was able to enjoy it found it therapeutic. When the little girl Sophie said "Mama" though, I lost it for two or three minutes. But it was good for us too and it was good to be out and doing things, even though it was difficult. That evening was the award dinner for Chris. It actually went okay. We arrived for appetizers and the two of us just chatted. It was a wee bit awkward because you have to realize that the 300 or so people that attended were from like 13 different hospitals and a whole bunch of different labs and facilities. As is such, we didn't really know anyone else. I enjoyed a glass of Cabernet wine while we wandered, listened to music, etc. and Chris enjoyed a nice white Zinfandel. Luckily, for dinner, the seating had been done intentionally and we were seated with Chris's boss's boss's boss (something like that) named Linda whom he was familiar with. Our fellow tablemates were all very sweet, nice people too and we actually enjoyed their company and stayed the entire evening. Dinner was good too. I was so proud of my husband and that helped too. At point during the program/speeches, I teared up though and thought I would lose it. They said something like ".....Womens' Hospital is generally a place of joy but for some mothers and families, it a place of loss and sadness when they lose their baby." They were awarding a team from the hospital that I had the D&C done at and that was how they prefaced it. It brought me to tears and Chris just slid his arm around me and patted my back. I composed myself and the rest of the night was nice. When we got home we were both pretty wired and energetic so we got a lot of laundry done. Folding, washing, drying, and more folding. Productive at least. I actually fell asleep on a decent note. A little sad but not as tearful as I have been.
Then Sunday. Waking up was fine but then I got upset shortly before we left for church. The ride there was good but then once we got close, I got worked up again. My dear friend Sandi sat with us during church and she likely has no idea how comforting that was to us once again. I love her and she is a mother type of figure. It always comforts me to have Chris on my right and Sandi on my left. I feel sandwiched in safety. Afterwards, I enjoyed a pleasant conversation with two of our young ladies from youth group (E.N. and J.S) which was also really nice. I had forgotten how much I missed them.
When we got home, though, things went sour for most of the day. Chris was not having a great day and I started to feel very empty and very sad. We finally resolved those feelings and had a good late evening. I enjoyed talking with my mother-in-law (thanks J.H.) for awhile before we played our nightly cribbage game. That was about it.
And then here we are today........
Unfortunately, as evening neared, I felt myself getting agitated. I didn't know what was going on so I just tried to push it aside but that didn't work out so well. We were playing chess when I made one bad move. Chris was like "really?" (in wonder) as he moved in on my queen. I had just noticed my bad move (had been having a hard time focusing on the game anyhow) and freaked out. I swept my hand across the chess board and dashed out of the room sobbing. I'm pretty sure it wasn't the chess board that set me off but rather just that anxious, sad, irritable edge that had been welling up in me. Sure enough, I sobbed and cried and Chris just held me for a bit that evening. It was rough and I was upset because I felt as though I had ruined our "special" anniversary day. But no days lately have been one hundred percent good so I'm not sure what I expected. If I thought I could just pretend things were great and forget everything for a day? Not that Chris was expecting anything but I put the pressure on...I had an expectation. But overall, it was okay.
Saturday, we went and saw Life As We Know It. It was a relatively good movie. Of course, it made me cry (being about babies, etc.) I did sob a couple of times but I also was able to enjoy it found it therapeutic. When the little girl Sophie said "Mama" though, I lost it for two or three minutes. But it was good for us too and it was good to be out and doing things, even though it was difficult. That evening was the award dinner for Chris. It actually went okay. We arrived for appetizers and the two of us just chatted. It was a wee bit awkward because you have to realize that the 300 or so people that attended were from like 13 different hospitals and a whole bunch of different labs and facilities. As is such, we didn't really know anyone else. I enjoyed a glass of Cabernet wine while we wandered, listened to music, etc. and Chris enjoyed a nice white Zinfandel. Luckily, for dinner, the seating had been done intentionally and we were seated with Chris's boss's boss's boss (something like that) named Linda whom he was familiar with. Our fellow tablemates were all very sweet, nice people too and we actually enjoyed their company and stayed the entire evening. Dinner was good too. I was so proud of my husband and that helped too. At point during the program/speeches, I teared up though and thought I would lose it. They said something like ".....Womens' Hospital is generally a place of joy but for some mothers and families, it a place of loss and sadness when they lose their baby." They were awarding a team from the hospital that I had the D&C done at and that was how they prefaced it. It brought me to tears and Chris just slid his arm around me and patted my back. I composed myself and the rest of the night was nice. When we got home we were both pretty wired and energetic so we got a lot of laundry done. Folding, washing, drying, and more folding. Productive at least. I actually fell asleep on a decent note. A little sad but not as tearful as I have been.
Then Sunday. Waking up was fine but then I got upset shortly before we left for church. The ride there was good but then once we got close, I got worked up again. My dear friend Sandi sat with us during church and she likely has no idea how comforting that was to us once again. I love her and she is a mother type of figure. It always comforts me to have Chris on my right and Sandi on my left. I feel sandwiched in safety. Afterwards, I enjoyed a pleasant conversation with two of our young ladies from youth group (E.N. and J.S) which was also really nice. I had forgotten how much I missed them.
When we got home, though, things went sour for most of the day. Chris was not having a great day and I started to feel very empty and very sad. We finally resolved those feelings and had a good late evening. I enjoyed talking with my mother-in-law (thanks J.H.) for awhile before we played our nightly cribbage game. That was about it.
And then here we are today........
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