How I Really Feel

How do I really feel? I'm sitting here and laughing, trying to be normal...but in the back of my mind, I am angry. I am sad. I am grieving.

I want to scream.
I want to shout.
I want to yell.

But I don't do any of that. Why? Because it won't bring Samantha back. She's gone from this earth forever. So I figure no sense in fighting it. But I am so weary.

I know this is normal. I know I'm not crazy. My hormones are fluctuating....
but it doesn't make it feel any better.

Today, I read on another blog that this woman had recently passed the three year anniversary of her baby. I can't even imagine being there. She said that when people told her that time heals (back right after she miscarried) she didn't believe it. I feel that way. But she said that today she does believe it. Time does heal...not all things but it makes it easier. It is my hope that I will believe that soon enough myself.

I am supposed to be heading to Tennessee for a convention with our church in November. Chris is going too. I have been to this event twice before and I always enjoy it but this time I am apprehensive. I agreed to go and I will go. Otherwise, I will pay our church back but I am taking a leap of faith and believing that I will be okay. Somehow, I keep getting overstimulated and that stresses me out. I am apprehensive about the general events with loud bands and speakers. I will be okay with the smaller sessions but the loudness I fear. I prefer to sit in silence or just to listen to a song and softly sing along. I pray that God takes away this overstimulation. I know part of it is an overstimulation from the stress I am still feeling.

Perhaps time will make it better. That's all I can hold onto.

~Shannon

Knowing God Loves Me

Lamentations 3:22-24 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness.

Last night, I was working on Christmas presents that I am giving out this year. As I worked and created things, I was praying. I've been quiet lately. I used to talk on the phone, watch TV, prepare dinner, and weight lift all at the same time. Yeah right...now it's one or the other. Which I am okay with. I am more detail-oriented than I used to be too so no complaints there. As I sat, I prayed. I spend a lot of time in quiet communication and prayer with God now just needing His presence. I said "Lord, I just miss my baby. It hurts..." And I was surprised when He wasn't holier than thou with me and instead related and spoke to my heart and I said "I know it hurts. I lost my Son once and it hurt so badly."

I had forgotten all about that. God willingly gave up His only son and sacrificed Him for us. Could I have done that with Samantha Peep? I don't know that I could have...That's why I so desperately needed a Savior. My Heavenly Father did what I could never do. And He knows my hurt...He's been there. The thing that amazes me most is that He willingly chose that hurt to save the world. Willingly. Out of love. That's pretty deep.

I also loved that my prayer last night was so relational. I simply felt the Holy Spirit come and sit with me and just be with me. There was no condemning me for feeling the way I did. There was no lecturing. There was simply presence and peace. And gentle, loving, nurturing words. My heart still hurts but I felt it being held by God.

What A Friend We Have In Jesus (by Joseph Scriven, 1855)

What a friend we have in Jesus
All our sins and griefs to bear
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer
Oh what peace we often forfeit
Oh what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer

~Shannon