Friday night was terrible!

Friday night we were at a big meeting for church. It was hard for me to focus but I did my best. However, I was very stressed and frustrated when we got out. Already feeling crummy about myself, Chris said something that wasn't meant to upset me but did! I was a hysterical mess for about half an hour. It was pretty bad. I called J (my therapist) and when she returned my call, I was finally able to calm down. I was flailing, sobbing, hyperventilating, and trying to hurt myself and Chris was trying to contain me. I was struggling with self-hatred for "not being able to get over this." J reminded me that I lost a baby! That is not an easy thing to deal with. I felt like I should maybe be a little easier on myself....Saturday went a little better. I did what I could do and also did what I needed to do and that was good enough.

Shannon

Never....the hurt won't go away!

I keep wondering when the hurt will go away. But the hardest thing is that in the back of my mind I know it will never go away. It's been a month....and the immediate shock and hurt has lessened but a Samantha sized hole is left in my heart and I know it won't get better. At least not until Jesus comes back.

Come quickly, Lord....come quickly. And take us all with you to perfection and glory.

Shannon

Feeling like a flop

Ever since the miscarriage, I've felt like a flop. I'm trying so hard to keep it all straight and together and I just can't focus. I'm so frustrated with myself. This job has gone super well for me in the past year and a half. My boss thinks I've done a fantastic job so far and he's given the best evaluations possible. I feel like I've done decently. But in this last month, I don't know...I just feel so disconnected. And now I forgot to email something off that HAD to be in by Friday at 5 PM. I'm so irritated with myself. I wish I could die but I know that is not an option. Just frustrated. I am functioning better and better but still not back to normal. I always have to remind myself that the worst thing that could happen is I could get fired (which is highly unlikely over this one mistake) but no one and nothing can take me away from Jesus.

I just.....grr........

Shannon