Life takes so much energy sometimes

I'm drained. I have one more day to go at work. But by the end of tomorrow, I will have put in 10 extra hours this week. That never happens! I very rarely have to spend all my 37.5 hours here. I'm on call always but...still.

I feel like life takes so much energy sometimes. One of my best friends, E, is supposed to visit us this weekend. We're very excited to see her. But we were planning on visiting Gettysburg and I'm not sure I have the energy to do that. After this week, it's just hectic...I'll have to see if E minds if we do something else after all. I feel obnoxious though when I feel like "I can't handle things" or am easily overwhelmed. I'm not trying to be annoying, really. I am just having a hard time.

Shannon

Steven Curtis Chapman's With Hope

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

When I Get Where I'm Going (Brad Paisley)

Brad Paisley
When I Get Where I'm Going

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.

I have never known

I have never known this kind of pain.

I saw those words on a miscarriage tribute video today. I thought they were so right. I have never known this kind of pain before. I had no idea I would love my baby like that. I knew I'd love them but not how.....

~Shannon

I miss talking to you, Samantha

Dear Samantha,

I'm writing you a letter because I miss you so much. And one of the things that I miss the most is talking to you. We used to tease you (not that you probably understood) and I would say "I love you, Peep!" And things like "Isabelle can't wait to meet you, Peep." And I used to make this squeaky voice to say "Daddy, I love you too!" I'd pretend to be you. But now there's none of that. Because, Samantha Peep, sweetheart, now you live with Jesus and are carried in our hearts instead of growing in my body.

I miss all the talks we might have had. I had so many dreams and so many hopes for your life, sweet girl. I told your Daddy while I was pregnant with you that I intended to be the best mom in the world! I wanted to read the books that you wanted to read (even when you were only seven years old!) and then go on book club dates and talk about them. I wanted to make jewelry with you. Teach you to sing and make music together. I wanted to dance with you. See you off to your first formal dance in high school. I wanted you to get married and have your own babies. Then you'd finally know how much I loved you. I would have done anything for you, Samantha. You had me wrapped around your little finger from the moment I saw your heartbeat.

I miss you so much, baby girl. I miss the baby days. I was so looking forward to bonding with you over breastfeeding, rejoicing over your first steps, sharing you with family and friends, and now there's just a lot of emptiness. What was so joyful feels so empty. Your bedroom sits untouched with a pile of baby clothes that you will never wear. My arms and my heart ache to hold you. To feel you fluttering in me--an experience I never had. I miss you so much, Samantha Peep.

Love,
Mommy

Bittersweet Joy

Yes, I'm using the title of my blog as the title of my post too. All I could think about was bittersweet joy because some things have been happening that are joyful but they feel so bittersweet. It's just not complete without Samantha here. I wish, I wish, I wish with all my heart that God could give us our sweet little Peep back. But He has given and He has taken and blessed be His name.

~Shannon