My fourth child

Last Sunday, I found out that my fourth child was growing inside of me. I got a positive pregnancy test! What a thrill that was and yet it also sent fear coursing through me. It started many questions. Will I miscarry? Will this be my 'rainbow' baby? Will I get to bring this one home? When will the bleeding start? Will there be no bleeding this time? My head has been spinning. Almost too much to write. I was too scared to say anything. But it's been eight days since I got that positive. That's longer than it was with Noah and with Dominic. Samantha was in me for almost thirteen weeks. With Noah and Dominic, within a couple of days of knowing they existed, they were with Jesus. I have now been aware of baby Sprout for eight days and there haven't been any complications. I feel so blessed. But I am afraid to be too hopeful.

And yet I believe two things that have kept my hope and faith from running dry.

1. Nothing is impossible with God.
2. Nothing is too hard for the Lord.

Those two phrases remind me that anything can be done and nothing is too much work for God.

Please pray for us. We are nervous. But no matter what happens, God is good. He knows best and we love Him.

~Shannon

Emotionally great, Physically sick

Emotionally, I am doing great

However, physically I am really sick --Multiple things going on including brochitis.

Ewww....

So real quick..I have to vent.

What kind of an idiot, knowing someone suffers from an eating disorder, asks if you've lost weight because gee, you look really good.....?

GRRRR!

Shannon

Waiting

These words speak so deeply to my heart.....
Lord, we believe that only you know when we will be able to bring home a baby.
We will wait and trust. We love you, Lord. Your ways are better than ours. Even when it hurts...

From John Waller's While I'm Waiting

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on you, lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on you, lorD
Though it is painful
But patiently I will wait

I will move ahead,
bold and confident,
Taking every step in
obedience

While I'm waiting,
I will serve you
While I'm waiting,
I will worship
While I'm waiting,
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

Not having a good day

I am not having a good day. It's one of those times I wish people would stop being harsh on me and just love me. Maybe sit with me and let me cry it out?

but...then I think maybe I am not worth loving.........

I know it's irrational but my head is swirling today.

Maybe I am not pregnant this month and my PMS is really bad. I've always been super sensitive.

Sigh.........

Shannon

'Beautiful For Me' by Nicole Nordeman

Thank you for sharing this song, Sarah Joy....
~Shannon


Beautiful For Me
Nicole Nordeman

Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess
But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me

If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what’s inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
Close your eyes
Look inside
Let me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you’re beautiful

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Yeah
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You’re so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me
Has anybody told you?

One day at a time

Sometimes it's such a struggle...to get through one day.

You hear people say one day at a time but honestly sometimes one minute at a time is too much.

Shannon

What I Don't Want To Be

It seems like so many time we ask ourselves who we are. We ask ourselves who we want to be. I feel like there is so much there that I am but I also feel that what hinders me is focusing on the things that I don't want to be. What don't I want to be? I'll tell you.

I don't want to be a number. Specifically, I don't want to be a size, a weight number, a number of inches. I don't even want to be a BMI or a percentile. I don't like numbers to describe people. I don't want to be a rating of hotness. I don't want to be a number

What else don't I want to be? I most definitely don't want to be fake. I want to be real. I don't want to be fake smiles and facades. Don't tell me to pretend to be happy or act happy when I am not. Instead, find me real and genuine happiness. No, don't find it for me. Help me to find lasting joy. Being fake is something I have struggled with.

I don't want to be ugly. I suppose you could also turn that around and say that I want to be beautiful. Gorgeous. Lovely. Pretty. I don't feel that I am any of those things. I just can't see it. When I look into the mirror I can't see who I am. And at the same time, if you think I am beautiful, I don't want to be just a pretty face. I want to be a person.

Sometimes I have to confess I don't even want to be me...but I am learning to accept that I am me and that it's okay to be me.

That's what I don't want to be. I guess you can see my fears. And...underneath it all, you can see what it is I do want to be.

~Shannon

Group

Last night I joined a group of other young women who share something in common: a struggle with an eating disorder. I was terrified before I went to the appointment. I was afraid they wouldn't like me or accept me but then by the time the group was over and I was walking out the door, I felt like I had come home. I felt understood and accepted. God was so good. I am already so grateful to J for inviting me to join this group.

It's amazing to me how God provides when you least expect it.

~Shannon

God is faithful

God is faithful
When I'm out of place
His deep love
I can never erase

God is faithful
He's steady and true
My trustworthy Lord
Oh, how I love you

~Shannon

ovulation calendar

Your next ovulation will most likely occur on Monday, Jan-24-2011.
Your fertile days are between Friday, Jan-21-2011 and Wednesday, Jan-26-2011.
If you get pregnant during this cycle, your due day would be Monday, Oct-17-2011.

I am not supposed to get pregnant this cycle but if I am, I already am.

Hmmmm....time will tell.

October sounds like a nice time....

~Shannon

From the mouth of babes

I absolutely adore Christopher's little brother M. M is hilarious. He's eight years old and witty. He's smart and he's a youngest child which gives him a certain impish personality. Well, the other day M and I had a fantastic conversation. This is how it went:

M: Is Mom driving or are you?

me: Well, I guess we can pretend I could drive from the passenger seat.

M: No, you can't.

me: Well, actually, close your eyes and use your imagination. Anything is possible.

M: Well, not anything. I mean, George Washington can't come back to life.

me: Well, actually...if God wants to. You ever heard of Lazarus?

M: No.....

me: Well, let me tell you the story from the Bible. Lazarus was a friend of Jesus and he died. Lazarus' family came to Jesus and they were kind of ticked off that Jesus hadn't been there to save him. Jesus wept---totally cried when he heard about Lazarus---and then he asked to go into Lazarus' tomb...and they were like 'surely he stinketh!' which is one of my favorite Bible verses, but that is beside the point, and he went in and then he brought Lazarus back to life!

M: (with a fantastic and confused expression, says in a voice of awe)  OH..... So he was a zombie then?!!!

me: AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! no...he was not a zombie!!!!!! He was alive like you and me.....

M: Oh....

me: So that's why I say if God wanted to, Washington could come back to life. Nothing is impossible.

M: Yeah, nothing is impossible with God. I remember that from watching Facing the Giants.

I started getting teary....

me: I'm so glad you know that, M. One of my favorite questions is 'is anything too hard for the Lord?'

And he says something like: No....nothing is too hard for the Lord. Nothing is impossible with God.

BEAUTIFUL! That was a few days ago...What a fantastic conversation!

~Shannon

So much in my head......

There is so much going on in my head....

Worrying about different relationships
Wondering if we can carry a baby
Fighting the eating disorder
What to do about graduate studies
Money and financial things
Physical struggles

Sometimes life gets so overwhelming......

~Shannon

Current life status

Things have been crazy lately.

Financially, it's rough.....

Poor C has needed root canals, and now needs his wisdom teeth out...also, he'll start nursing school this month. Funds are tight! Things are crazy!

There have been some things that have been stressful lately.

I am waiting to see my new OBGYN dude in February.

We're just stuck in a stressful period.

My job has been hectic. I have to remind myself to take it one step or thing at a time.

The eating disorder...I have good days and I have bad days.

I am starting to appreciate me for me! That's a blessing!

I miss the babies terribly but my faith is strong.

God has, each day, given daily bread. We trust that's enough.

~Shannon

Rough times

I had a bit of a rough weekend...but now it's okay, I think.

I don't currently know where my life is going right now.

But I believe that God is good.

I am loved. That I believe. And it's not something I've believed in a long time.

~Shannon

To my babies

Samantha,

My sweet baby. The one I felt I knew the best. I still miss you so much. I envision you giving Jesus lots of hugs, being boisterous and sweet, and holding the hands of your brothers. Know how much I love you. I am so sorry that I didn't want you at first. It wasn't you. It was me. I was scared. I love you more than words can say. You were the baby that set my heart on fire as a mom. When I saw your tiny frame and the thump of your heartbeat was inside of me, something inside of me changed forever. I love you, Samantha Peep. You've flown to Jesus and I can't wait to meet you.

Dominic,

We loved you. We knew you were there without a doubt and we missed you terribly when you were gone. You were the blink of an eye. But I feel a lifetime of love toward you. You are still our baby. Love on Noah and enjoy spending lots of time with Jesus. Dominic, Munchkin, you were our little guy! We were so excited and thought that God had given us you but instead you got the best deal. You got Jesus and no more sinful world! We will have eternity ahead of us to spend together....I can't wait.

Noah,

Lovebug, you were so loved. We felt such love and depth for you in the four days we knew about you. A Wednesday through Saturday of depth....I knew that Jesus might take you and I knew that you'd be safe in His hands but I still was heartbroken. I had already started to look ahead to September of 2011 when I would get to hold you and love you. We thought you were our rainbow baby but God had other plans. We still love you so....so much. Samantha and Dominic are there with you. We so look forward to our reunion.

Babies,
We love each of you so much. We wish so badly that we could have had you to hold here but we know that we'll hold you in heaven and death will no longer sting.

Squeeze Jesus tight. He's the best.

~Shannon

Bad people and Good people

Why do I do this?

I tend to classify people as good or bad!

EW! I get so frustrated with myself.

People are all just people and we all have good and bad. We all need Jesus.

But I do this thing where I classify people as good and say good things happen to good people.

Then I say bad things happen to bad people.

Then I think when I have a miscarriage or something bad happens that it's because I am a bad person.

Not necessarily logical!

Or I think about the fact that we could be GOOD parents as opposed to BAD parents. Then we have a miscarriage. Does God think we'd be bad parents..is that why this bad thing has happened? Oh sigh!

Anyhow....that's that.

My head is crazy!

Shannon

Love is....

Love is....

when there is nothing you've done to get it

nothing you can do to take it away

When it's just freely given..........

~Shannon

Blessings

Sometimes, when you least expect it, God uses people or situations in ways you never could have imagined. Then you see His provision and you know that He is good. He is faithful. He always keeps His promises. There have been some things in my life lately that I just look at with awe when I realize God has worked out certain things. Some relationships have been strengthened. Walls have been broken down. Burdens have been lifted. I know that all of these good things come from my Heavenly Father. But sometimes...it's so hard  to see it. But when I step back and start counting my blessings, I realize how numerous they are and good God is.

Lord, thank you for being my Provider, Protector, and Shelter. Thank you for bringing relationships and things into my life that have helped me through the tough times. You are a good God. You are a perfect God and no matter what is happening, I know that you know best. I am so sorry that sometimes I don't trust you and that sometimes I don't prepare my fields. God, thank you for Jesus, and for your forgiveness. Thank you for giving me my daily bread even when I am not grateful for your provision, which is more than sufficient. Thank you for starting to bring healing to some weak spots in me. Lord, mold me and shape me into what you want me to be. Even when it hurts, Lord, take my weakness and use it to bring you glory. Keep me safe from Satan's reach, that I might be safe from the grips of the evil one, but when temptations and struggles do come, help me to see you, glorify you, and praise your name. You are good. You are loving. You are perfect. I adore you, Abba Father, and I will always be grateful for the love that you have shown me through Jesus Christ. No amount of hurt can take that away. No pain can separate me from you. Amen. And....Love, Shannon.

To the minute

To the minute, it's been 72 hours since I have thrown up.

Please don't respond to this post to congratulate me. All that does is makes me feel more loved for being 'good' and 'bad' for throwing up which is not constructive to me. I desired to be loved unconditionally.

I've had a lot of caring and support these past 72 hours and I think that maybe we can get through this patch.

~Shannon

Helping someone with an eating disorder

Before you approach someone you suspect has an eating disorder, I would  highly recommend that you educate yourself. Too many people believe that eating disorders are only about food and weight issues, when in reality, those are just the symptoms of underlying problems. Below is a list of some things to keep in mind when approaching someone. Avoid talking about food and weight, those are not the real issues Assure them that they are not alone and that you love them and want to help in any way that you can Encourage them to seek help Never try to force them to eat Do not comment on their weight or appearance Do not blame the individual and do not get angry with them Be patient, recovery takes time Do not make mealtimes a battleground Listen to them, do not be quick to give opinions and advice Do not take on the role of a therapist It is important to remember that when  you first approach the person you suspect has an eating disorder, they may react with anger or they may deny that anything is wrong. Do not push the issue, just let them know that you will always be there for them if they need to talk. In cases where the person is extremely underweight or is bingeing/purging several times a day, you may need to step in and take control. I would only recommend doing that if the  individuals health is in extreme danger. If that is the case, you may need to speak to a doctor  about a forced hospitalization. Watching someone you love slowly kill themselves can be frightening. You will probably experience feelings of distress, anger, guilt and confusion. No matter how much you want to help them, you must remember that only they can make the decision to get help. You can not force them to do this. You must also be careful with the remarks you make to the person suffering. Below is a list of a few remarks that should never be made because they will usually only drive the person away or cause them more inner  pain and guilt. "Just sit down and eat like a normal person." If it were that easy, we would. Remind yourself that there are deeper emotional issues that may be preventing them from eating properly. "Why are you doing this to me?" We aren't doing this to you, we are doing this to ourselves. A comment like that would only cause us more guilt and make us feel worse about ourselves.  "Are you making any progress?" If in therapy, a comment like that could lead us to believe that we are not making progress and that we are in fact failing. "Are you keeping anything down?"or "When was the last time you puked?" The act purging can leave the person with feelings of guilt and shame. Having someone ask this question can cause them to re-experience those feelings and leave them feeling ashamed for having a problem. "You look terrible." Avoid commenting on the persons appearance. The person is already obsessed with their body, they do not need to hear any negative comments. "Your ruining our family." Comments like this only causes the person more guilt. It will not motivate them to eat, instead, it may drive  them deeper into their eating disorder. "What have you eaten today?" This puts us in a bad position because we either have to lie to make you happy (which causes us to feel worse  for doing so), or tell the truth and hear a lecture (which would lead us to feel like we are failing). "If you think you are fat, you must think that I'm obese."  We do not see others as being overweight. The only distorted image we have, is of ourselves. Any ways, it is best not to mention size and weights around anyone with an eating disorder. "Go ahead and have a drink or eat that. You'll just go and throw it up any ways, so what does it matter." A comment like this is   insensitive and cruel. Unfortunately, there are actually people who would say this. We already put ourselves down enough as it is and the last thing we need is someone else making us feel guilty or ashamed for having an eating disorder. If you have nothing positive to say to us, do not say anything! "I wish I had that problem." or "I wish I could be anorexic for a day." No you don't! Everyday we struggle with this problem and we go through tremendous pain in trying to overcome it. We would not wish this problem on anyone, not even our worst enemies. It is hard for us to hear a comment like that because we know how terrible it is to live with an eating disorder. "For someone with an eating disorder - you're sure pigging out today." Believe it or not, some people would actually make a comment like that. This comment is very insensitive and it could cause the person to panic about what they have eaten and end up purging. "I can't continue to live this way. When do I get time off from this disease?" It is very difficult to watch someone you love slowly destroy themselves, but a comment like this can do more damage. It would be best for you to seek outside support for yourself to help you cope, instead of lashing out at the person. A comment like this will only make us believe even more that we cause too many problems and we don't deserve to eat. "I will give you 6 months to get over this." You cannot set a time limit on recovery. Telling someone that will add even more pressure to them and if they do not recover in the time limit you set, they will believe they have failed. Everyone is different and we all do not recover in the same amount of time. Recovery does take a long time, so everyone involved needs to be patient. "Quit feeling sorry for yourself."We are not doing this because we feel sorry for ourselves. There are deeper emotional problems causing us to do this. A comment like this will only help to make us feel worse. "You just need to exercise."If someone is bulimic, this comment could lead them to believe they are indeed fat and in need of exercise. You are dismissing all the important reasons why someone is doing this. "You need to get your act together."Recovering from an eating disorder is not just a matter of getting our act together. Before you make a comment like that, educate yourself and find out how you can help us to overcome our eating disorder.   "What are your friends going to think." Many of us have had comments like this made to us. It only causes us to feel guilty and more ashamed of our eating disorders, which could lead to being more secretive and not seeking out help. "You're just doing this for attention." We do not do this for attention. Most people with eating disorders would be happy to just keep it a secret from everyone. People with eating disorders are in a lot of emotional pain and this is their way of dealing with it. They need to be encourage to seek help, they do not need to be told they are only doing it for attention. "I tried reading that book on eating disorders that you got for me, but it just wasn't really a page turner." Eating disorder books are meant to educate you so that you will have a better understanding.  They are not meant to keep you on edge like a science fiction novel! "If you are so scared of throwing up, then just don't eat." That is a ridiculous comment.  It is like telling someone who is afraid of pollution not to breathe. "I wish I could throw up all the food I eat, it would make things so much easier." This is yet another very insensitive comment.  Having an eating disorder does not make things easier, it makes life a living hell. "I barely ate once for a week, so I know what you are going through." Eating not so greatly for one week is nothing compared to having an eating disorder for years.  You cannot compare stubbing your toe, to having your leg ripped off. "You are never going to get better." A like this could be very damaging, causing the person to feel like they are failing.  You need to remember that recovering from an eating disorder is a process and it takes a long time. "You obviously are not trying to get better if you are just getting worse." Recovery is a long process and the person is going to have slips and relapses.  You cannot expect the person to recover overnight and relapses are normal part of recovery and they should be expected to happen.  During the rough times, that is when you need to be positive and support the person, not make them feel worse. "I never thought I would have a friend stupid enough to have an eating disorder." I am sure the person with the eating disorder never thought they would have a friend stupid enough to make a cruel comment  like that! "Nobody is going to like the way you look." A comment like this only causes more damage.  It is best to avoid comments on appearances, especially ones like this. "If you loved me, than you would eat this food." A comment like this would do more damage, cause the person to feel more guilt and they will more than likely feel the need to punish themselves more.  If you  love the person, than try to help them in a positive and supportive way.  "If you would just sit down and eat, you wouldn't have this problem." Basically you are right.   If we could sit down and eat normally, we wouldn't have an eating disorder.   However, we do have an  eating disorder and no matter how much we wish we could sit down and eat normally, we cannot do that just because you want us to. A comment  like this will only lead to more guilt and the person  may end up feeling the need to punish themselves even more. "No one is ever going to love you if you don't get some of that weight off." This comment would only cause pain to the person with the eating disorder and it is a very cruel comment.   It is time people learned it is what's on the  inside that counts.  People need to love each other for who they are, not what they look like. "Repent of your sins and things will get better for you."  This comment could make a  person feel as though their sins were the cause  of their eating disorder and that they have done something terribly wrong.   They could  feel like they are horrible and deserve to have an eating disorder.   No one deserves to have an eating disorder.  If a person has a strong faith in God, remind them that God loves them just the way they are. He created them and God does not make mistakes.  A comment like the above could push a person with a strong faith away from God, instead of bringing them closer to Him which is where they need to be. "You are just trying to be the worst case anorexic."  No one strives to be a worst case anorexic.  No one wants to go through this pain each day.  Comments like this hurt and the person does not deserve anymore pain. "You shouldn't go to counseling anymore. It's not helping you anyways."  Recovery does not happen overnight. It takes time and the person will experience periods of  relapses.  Also, the person may not be receiving proper treatment which makes therapy difficult.  You need to encourage the person, not make them feel worse. "Can't you see how this is affecting  me."  The person is not doing this to you,  they are doing this to themselves. They do not develop an eating disorder to hurt you.  They can see how it is affecting you, but can you see how it is affecting them?  You are watching  it happen, the person with the eating disorder is living it. "You don't even try, all you have to do is eat."   If it were just that easy, then no one would have an eating disorder.   Remember that there are underlying  issues that are causing the eating disorder.   The person will need time to deal with those issues and time to learn new and healthier ways to cope.  "If it wasn't for you and your eating disorder, then we wouldn't have to waste all of our time running back and forth to these doctors."   First, seeking treatment is not a waste of time.  Also, a comment like this would only make the person feel worse about him/herself and cause them to feel guilty, which in turn could cause them to turn even more to their eating disorder as a way to cope. "Don't expect me to baby you, remember I'm not the one who got this eating disorder."  A person with an eating disorder does not want nor need to be babied. However, they do need love and support and a comment like this is not providing them with the support they need and deserve. "Boy, you ate a lot today." or "You were certainly hungry today."  After a comment like this, you can be sure that the person is going to spend the next few hours or days obsessed with the amount of food they ate and whether it's making them fat. "You look good, but you'd look even better if you worked out."  A comment like this would only confirm in the person's mind that their body does need to be altered. "The reason you feel fat in your bathing suit/shorts/other revealing clothes is that you haven't been toning your muscles."   No, the reason the person feels fat is because they more than likely have an eating disorder voice in their head telling them that they look fat.  "Why can't you just... If the person could do just that, they would have stopped a long time ago. A person in recovery from an eating disorder needs encouragement, they do not need to be made to feel worse.  Recovery takes time and a person should not expect someone to just stop having one immediately.  Recovery takes a long time and hard work. Someone with an eating disorder has the best chance for recovery when they are surrounded by people that are loving and supportive. Recovery takes a lot of time  and hard work, but with the proper treatment, which should include individual, group and family therapy, support groups, medical and nutritional counseling, eating disorders can be overcome. I would also recommend to the families to get support for themselves.  Dealing with someone that has an eating disorder can be frustrating and emotionally exhausting. You may want  to seek the help of a therapist or a support group to help you through this difficult time. All of this info is from:

 http://www.mirror-mirror.org/approach.htm