The First Day I Didn't Cry

Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry. It had been 4 weeks and 2 days since I had found out about the loss of sweet Samantha. Every day since then, I'd cried. I know more tears will come. But I think this means that God is granting me some healing. I also am learning that I will never be the same person. I guess that's okay.

Today is check up from the D&C. This will be the first time I'll have been in the OBGYN office since the day I went in and they couldn't find the heartbeat so they sent me for an ultrasound. I'm kind of apprehensive. I'm also concerned because I still don't have a period. I want that to mean that I am pregnant but I can't let my hopes get up because I think something else could be going on. Also, while I'm excited to be and WANT to be pregnant so badly, I also fear another miscarriage. That's what could happen. But then I remind myself that it could result in full pregnancy, to term, and bringing a baby hope. You can see how this experience has jaded me though and taken away my innocence and delight in pregnancy. Someone else once said that once a women miscarries she loses an innocence. I agree with that person.

Tonight we are going to our church for a big planning meeting. We will stay with Chris's parents overnight and then we will go back to church for the rest of the meeting tomorrow. It will also be our first night back to youth group on Saturday night so we will see how it goes. I'm apprehensive as this will be the busiest weekend I've had in awhile. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion in a fast paced world....

~Shannon