This morning was an adventure. I had to come into work earlier than normal which meant waking up earlier than normal.....which wouldn't be an issue except for the fact that taking a sleeping pill makes me extra groggy. Yes, I'm still taking Unisom. I had been taking it on and off, not being able to sleep at all while pregnant, and I still can't sleep. My doctor had told me Unisom was fine to take while pregnant (and I do believe him because others and studies agree) and that I could take it the whole pregnancy if needed because it was necessary that I sleep! Since I found out I miscarried, nighttime has not become any more of my friend. I'll explain.
The first night after the miscarriage was found out, I cried and cried. It was very frustrating because I couldn't take anything to sleep because I needed to be up early and at the hospital for the D&C. So I tossed and turned all night. The worst part of it all was waking up in the middle of the night crying or worse yet, not crying, then remembering what had happened as I put my hand to my abdomen, and then losing it all over again. My poor and sweet husband (Christopher) has no recollection of rolling over in his sleep, holding me close and kissing me while I wept. But he did, time and time again, throughout that night. By morning I was exhausted and keyed up about the D&C. But we got through it.
Since that night things have only gotten remotely better at nighttime. I think it's because it's hard to calm my mind down when I am laying in bed and also once my body has gotten even a slight amount of sleep, it's very difficult to convince it that I am still tired. I have tried a couple of times not taking anything and then I end up getting only three hours of sleep and being exhausted and extremely emotional by morning and throughout the day. So for now it seems I will need artificial sleep making things to make me rest. I guess it could be worse. There could be nothing that helps people with sleep so I'm not really complaining!
Anyhow, last night was rough too. It seems my tears have dried up a little but I am always on the verge of crying still. I am very quiet now and as most of you know, that's not me. Chris has been perplexed by this change in me to more serious, quiet, and contemplative. I have also been perplexed but am content with who I am in this phase. I know that I am still in a cocoon from everything that has happened and is going on around me and I just pray that God brings me to fruition as a butterfly! As we spent time together, there was that quietness. A bit of sorrow for me but also just silence. However when bedtime rolled around, the emotions welled up. Perhaps it's because there's no distractions at bedtime. Perhaps it's also because our nighttime devotions (given to us by our pastor) for parents of miscarried babies stir up my tender soul and emotions. I also would reckon that it's because so much of our excitement about Peep and our little baby spilled into right before bed. We would use cocoa butter on my body each night and that was a bonding experience for us. We would talk about our baby and our hopes, dreams, and prayers. We shared our fears and concerns. Now all of that is gone and bedtime is a place where we share our days again and we feel so empty. Anyhow, I was quiet and trying to doze off and then the tears came. Not in sobs but a steady stream of almost silent tears that felt as though they came straight from my heart. Chris held me as I cried and then...that was it. I fell asleep in quiet personal prayer asking God to hold me.
My prayer is that eventually nighttime becomes a joyful and peaceful time again.
~Shannon
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