A bit of a respite

I am happy to announce that even though Tuesday through Wednesday afternoon things were an emotional adventure, by last night, I had settled back more into me. I almost swear that I can feel my medication kicking in and stabilizing my emotions. In fact today, I feel better than I have felt any day since the miscarriage. That's crazy but awesome good! God is so good!

Last night, we went to a youth group party. Talk about fun! It was a costume party. Chris borrowed a Darth Vader costume from his dad. He asked if I wanted to borrow Princess Leia...I was like not so much! I would much rather be Padame and also because I am well-endowed, store costumes usually don't fit my chest well! Oh well! I went to the dollar store and had a super fun time picking out fairy wings, fake flowers, and some sort of ivy garland. I wore a white top and white sweater and put on the green wings, stuffed the fake flowers in my hair. I put the garland around my neck and just draped it down. I painted my face/made up my face and eyes with lots of bright colors and topped it all off with glitter. I was a garden fairy!!!! It was super fun for me. I needed something fun like that to focus on to get my mood back on track I think.

At the party, things went fine, and afterward, we actually did okay. Driving gave Chris and I the opportunity to talk and I was able to explain things from perspective and why I've been shutting down these past few days. I was also able to see things from his angle. I was able to share how he could help me because he feels helpless which I think causes extra tension on us. Somewhere deep inside, I do believe that man loves me, but I fight so hard to accept that! I can be so darn difficult sometimes....I get frustrated with myself. I think though that J is the right person to help. Crazy C whom I was seeing before J was really not helping! Probably actually made things worse! So J is a blessing.

If you see me and I have red marker on my arms, don't be appalled. It means that instead of hurting myself, I drew on myself...and while that might seem crazy it's still healthier and better than cutting. Hopefully I will get to a point where I don't ever want to do that again!!!

~Shannon