Manageable Tears

Manageable tears. Is that a strange title for my post? Oh well...it will make sense by the end of this if you read it. Last night, tears came. They were not filled with as much pain and emotion as they were right after I miscarried. No, these tears felt manageable. What led to these tears?

Chris's friend Brian called us last night to tell that a local Christian radio station had a female pastor on talking about miscarriages and that we might want to tune into it. We opted to do just that. Sitting on the couch in our living room, we caught the last five minutes of a broadcast about the pain that miscarriage often causes and how that pain lingers even when people forget about it. We also listened to a woman who had been through a miscarriage beautifully and poignantly tell something that blessed her. She so reflected on my heart by saying what happens when we miscarry is that we wonder about our baby and salvation and the relationship God had with our unborn child. She talked about Psalms where it says that we knit together in the womb and also how we are sinful from conception. The part that blessed me the most, though, was when she referenced the Gospel and when John (still unborn, inside Elizabeth) leapt with the working of the Holy Spirit when he recognized that Jesus was present inside of Mary. While I had been aware of this passage before and it had brought me comfort, it significantly blessed me when this woman shared that this tiny unborn baby had the ability to respond to the workings of the Holy Spirit and to realize that God had done something majestic and wonderful! Baby John was able to respond to the Lord from within the womb. My sweet Samantha (as well as other unborn children!) can certainly know Jesus. The woman on the radio wrapped up her conversation by saying that the God who knit them in their mother's womb is certainly the God of these babies and we can entrust them to Him. It was such a beautiful and reassuring feeling. Certainly, I still miss Samantha, however, I am finding more and more peace as I process. I love knowing, too, that she is ahead of me. I am not leaving her behind, rather she is at the end of my life and when I get to heaven, she'll be there. She's just ahead of me.

As we neared the end of the broadcast, my deep thoughts turned to tears. I wept but they were manageable tears. They were sorrow mingled with joy and that was okay. I felt God's presence right there and it was okay.

I'm okay. I will be okay. God is so good. He has always kept His promises. I praise Him for being the awesome God that He is!

~Shannon