Saturday Night Live (but not SNL)

It was Saturday Night Live but not SNL. What do I mean by that? Well, after having a really good Friday and Saturday so far, Saturday night arrived. I think there was an omen that I was going to have a meltdown when I felt inspired to cook dinner--INDIAN inspired style. We like Indian food in restaurants but haven't really figured it out at home. Anyhow, I made this perch (fish) and broccoli dish with lots of curry and was planning on serving it over pasta. I know, I know, true Indian should go with rice, right? Well, I was Shannon Schroeder, chef of Creative Cooking at Home, a new show premiered on Food Network. Well, at least in my head. Unfortunately in real life, we had to eat my creative cooking which turned out to be absolutely disgusting! I tried to pretend I liked it in hopes that Chris would like it! Haha! That did not happen. Anyhow, my only saving grace was that I had saved some of the pasta noodles when I realized there was a possibility that we wouldn't like the fish "gunk". So I took the plain noodles and buttered them and put Italian seasoning on them. We finished our salads and noodles and there were no remnants of the tragedy other than the curry smell that penetrated our home for the rest of the weekend.

I feel the need to intercede and tell everyone that in general, I'm a really good cook. But don't ask me to cook Indian and don't ask me to bake. Ovens and I do not get along. However, having said that, I will now continue on with my adventures.

Saturday after dinner, we were sitting in the living room. I was looking at the Samantha Peep coffee table. I call it that because it's covered in Samantha's things. I was doing relatively well despite the dinner adventure. I thought that perhaps I was ready to pack up her things. So I started doing that, just randomly, out of the blue. Chris looks me and is like "Honey? What are you doing?" and I'm like "I think I'm ready to pack up her things." Now here's the part that makes me laugh at myself a little. Why did I not think this would be difficult? I thought it would be easy and that is why I laugh. Because now I'm like...silly me, why did I think it would be easy? At the time though, it didn't seem that way. So I put the cards into an oversized envelope I'd decorated. Then all of a sudden, BAM...the tears came....and came...and I sobbed. Chris held me for a long time. I cried and cried and cried. Finally I got composed a little. I decided that I'd done enough that night and that it was good enough that I had even thought about packing up her things and had started. That was tough. But I did it! I'm stronger than I think.

Then....God pulled another surprise on me. I got a phone call from R, who is one of my best friends. R and I chatted for a minute and I asked what was new with her and she told me she had exciting news. It was at that moment that I then realized that she was pregnant. She told me she was about eight weeks along when I asked. I was so happy for her, I really was. But then I got off the phone and I sobbed hysterically. I had already been fragile and I was so angry and so hurt and so sad. I was not mad at R (happy for her!) but at God. Could His timing have been worse? Couldn't He know that this was not the right time? I wished I hadn't asked how far along she was. Eight weeks ago, I lost Samantha and eight weeks ago, she got a baby. I can't be jealous. I have to trust that this is God's will. I cried and cried and cried until I finally cried myself to exhaustion and even though it was only eight-thirty PM, I was so tired and went to bed. I slept for eleven hours.

When I awoke, I felt a little better but not much. I had to go and teach Sunday School (a lesson on hell) and that was difficult. However, had I not been needed to teach, I wouldn't have been at church yesterday and I think God wanted me there. Two wonderful women at my church, J and S, were such a comfort to me just being in there presence. S sat with me and I wasn't alone even though Chris was at work and J was behind me. Their hugs and comforting words gave me the tender love I needed right then and there and I knew that God hadn't forgotten me and I knew that how I felt wasn't because He didn't care.

I enjoyed worshipping Sunday and I was reminded again while I was enthralled by Jesus and His great sacrifice that it is not all about me. No, it's all about Him and I have to be reminded of and convicted by that thought every single day because we live a world where it's so easy to become self-centered, self-reliant, and self-consumed. I don't want to live in that world. I want to continue striving to glorify God. It's not all about me. It's not even all about sweet Samantha, though she is a blessing from God. No, it is all about the baby who came at Christmas time, who left His splendor willingly, and came to one day die to save us. When I remember that, it puts it all in perspective and I know that a God that loves me that much would never hurt me. As my dear friend E always says "God is love. To be anything other than love would go against His very nature." I love to reflect on that. God is love. He is good. He loves me and He promises to make it all work for good.

This morning, on my way into work, I was listening to K-love (check them out! awesome Christian radio station all around the nation) and I heard Mark Schulz's song He Will Carry Me. It's a beautiful song, one that I have loved for a long time. However, the lyrics especially stood out to me today, having had one of those bittersweet weekends. Here's the words:

I call
You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You're strong
I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still you're with me


And even though I'm walking through
the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me


I know I'm broken
But you alone can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

And even though I'm walking through
the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
whose love will comfort me
When all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I never have before
You never said it would be easy
But you said you'd see me through the storm

And even though I'm walking through
the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
whose love will comfort me
When all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I praise you, Lord, because I know that you have carried me all my life, even while I carried Samantha, and after she went to you. I trust that you will continue to carry me. Lord, heal my mind with your peace and bring your strength when I am weary. Lord, I pray that you would remind me that you have always kept your promises and that this time will be no different. You never said it would be easy but you have seen me through. I praise you for that. I love you, Jesus.

Whatever you are facing today, remember He will carry you.

~Shannon