Vaginismus struggles

Along with the eating disorder, the molestation, the self-injury, and the miscarriages, there has been one very real struggle in our marriage. It's likely a result of my insecurities with my body as well sexual insecurities due to 'the incident'. It's called vaginismus. If you are uncertain what vaginismus is, let me put into simple terms. Pain during intercourse. Of course there are much more complex definitions of vaginismus but this is to give you a general idea. Chris and I were still virgins--yes, both of us--on our honeymoon night. In our dating relationship we had pushed our boundaries and struggled a little but never had sex. One of us had also had a personal sexual struggle that made our expectations of sex unrealistic. We crossed a couple of our boundary lines while dating but did not get anywhere near anal, oral, or vaginal intercourse. When we got to our wedding day, we were thrilled that we finally would be able to become one! But our wedding night was not all that it was cracked up to be.

After Chris and I left our reception (which had been fun!) we headed to the hotel he had surprised me with. I didn't know where we were going but it was beautiful Hyatt Place. We checked in, him in his tux, me in my gown, and people congratulated us as we headed up to our room. There we read each other some special words we had each written for each other, had some other fun, relived the day, and then it was time. When we went to have sex though, I was trying hard not to be nervous, and hoping that there would be no pain. Unfortunately, the pain was so bad that he couldn't even penetrate at first and I was so tense inside that it hurt severely. Eventually we had to stop. I spent a bit of time sobbing on the night of our wedding because I felt defective, scared, and confused. I wasn't surprised...I knew this was a possibility due to the incident and a few other friends having had struggles but I had hoped I wouldn't go through it. I prayed that just once, God would let me off the hook and I wouldn't have to struggle. It didn't happen that way. Not once on our honeymoon were we able to have real, true sex. It wasn't until we got home that I was finally able to bear it long enough for Chris. He, by the way, was wonderful about the whole thing, reassuring me, loving me, and just gently encouraging me. He was slow and open to communication while we were trying and never pushed. He took cues from me which was wonderful. That, I must say, was a significant blessing.

For the first year of our marriage, sex was difficult. It was not enjoyable to me but at the same time it was. I loved the idea of two becoming one and I knew that God intended for this to be good but that the sinful world I was in had twisted it. Shortly after our honeymoon, I began praying and thinking 'This is good. God made this specially just for us, a husband and a wife.' The more I thought about that and prayed, the less tension I had. However, it's been two and a half years since we got married and there is still pain at times. It has become more enjoyable although I have never been able to climax with him in me. This is a struggle for me but I am trusting that God is growing me and working through this. Since sharing this, I have talked with other women and it encourages me a lot to know that I am not alone. We continue to trust God with this and believe that as more and more time passes, we will grow stronger and closer together.

One thing, though, that I do struggle with from the miscarriages that ties back to the vaginismus is that struggle of feeling defective. Because sex was a struggle and then the miscarriages happened, I feel defective. See, I was a virgin. We both were. I have never had an STD, abnormal PAP smear, or anything wrong down there. If I had I'd almost feel like I could blame the painful sex or miscarriages on a mistake or something bad happening. But instead I feel like it's my fault, there's something wrong with me. Now, when I am sorting through these feelings, I realize they are irrational and illogical, but at the time they can be very defeating.

Anyhow, I must say though that God is good. I have learned that His grace is sufficient through this struggle and have been so blessed to see how He has grown us and made us closer to one another through the difficult time. My hope in sharing this is that maybe you won't feel so alone or someday someone in your life will be going through this and you'll understand a little better what they feel like.

~Shannon