So I haven't written a real post since Monday. Why, you may ask?? I've been really sick this week. I was actually not completely honest with my husband or anyone else about how sick I felt and how scared I was--thinking that something was wrong. Tuesday night, I was really achy. Every time I moved anything from head to toe, like wrist or toe, knee or back, my whole body seared with pain. Then Wednesday there was no way I had the energy to drag myself out of bed. I did go to church for just a little bit that evening but that was all and I felt so weak when to bed. Thursday morning, I dragged myself out of bed and told myself I was going to work. I hit the wall because my balance was so bad and then I collapsed onto the floor. My leg had gone out underneath me so that was quite frustrating. I had to take a bath because there's no way I could have taken a shower. Now, at that point, I should have stayed home. I looked ghostly pale after all and still felt awful. But stubborn me, I had Chris drop me off at work. Twenty minutes later, he was coming back to get me. My co-workers told me I looked and sounded terrible like I was weak, exhausted, and about to collapse. I felt that way so I took their advice and went back home. I rested and read most of the day. I went to my appointment with J because I needed mega epic emotional support. And I actually think that some of my symptoms were psychosomatic (emotions and feelings manifested physically) or that my emotional stress was adding to my physical symptoms because I was whelmed over. Got that phrase from J. Not that overwhelmed, but whelmed over.....I made a doctor's appointment yesterday for Dr. F. today. This morning I went in and we talked about everything that was going on and she told me that she wanted to run some bloodwork and check my blood counts. She also looked at my blood pressure and commented on how low it was. 90/60...which is quite low for me and might explain the dizziness. It's probably partially from the significant blood loss I had last week. So that's been my scoop?
If you are wondering how I am doing...ehh, okay. Last night I was pretty depressed through part of my appoIntment with J but we did some good processing. I am going to be honest, I am really struggling with the eating disorder. I don't know to fight it and the temptation has been really bad these past days. J told me to share that with Dr. F so I did. She's told me not to take laxatives or do anything because my blood pressure's already so low and my electrolytes are out of balance. I haven't eaten anything in over 24 hours now. And while I have no appetite, I also have no interest in making myself eat either which isn't great. Dr. F told me to drink like a hot chocolate or something substantial with milk anything so I did do that. It's strange though, then here at work, I want to now throw it up. But I do not really want to. It's strange to have both of these thoughts battling in my head. It's so hard. And I don't know how to talk about it. I am open to talking about but it's hard for me to bring it up. But I am least writing about it here.
I'm missing my babies a lot. It is hard for me to think of the fact that if I was pregnant I would be excited about buying baby gifts for when they were arriving and thinking of next year and how next Christmas we would have a baby in our arms. However, I suppose God can still work that miracle out and maybe we will be pregnant and go full term and bring a baby home with us before next Christmas. I hope and pray for that to be the case.
And the eating disorder thing....is that when I became pregnant with Samantha, I stopped all things bulimic or disordered about my meeting. That was just under 5 months ago. When I lost Samantha, I used future babies for motivation. Then Dominic came, and I know that he was our second gift from God. And we loved the little Munchkin that we knew existed in my body. After losing him, it is now difficult for me to resist the eating disorder, the purging, etc. It's not logical but I feel as though I'll never have children anyhow and I would rather be a size 0 without children than my size without children....J tried to remind me that these two miscarriages don't necessarily mean I won't have children. Sliding back into the eating disorder wouldn't be good for me or the future children God may choose to bless us with. I know that logically but still it's so hard to have the rational and the irrational fighting with each other....I don't know if I can be strong enough.
Sorry if that's too heavy but this my place to be real. And yes, I don't mind talking about the eating disorder with most people. Some people (those that would criticize my body!) would not be helpful!
That's my life. Don't get me wrong, I am still focusing on that fact that Christ is come and will come again...that brings me peace it does. But I am still here and life can be so hard but it reminds me how thankful, eternally grateful, I am for Jesus coming to save us. He is so good.
~Shannon
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