I have seen God's healing hand

Last night, I attended our church's worship band practice for the first time since before I lost our first baby. It has been almost seven months since I have participated in leading worship by singing in the band. When I lost Samantha, I knew I wouldn't be able to lead worship again for quite awhile. At one point, I even confessed to Chris that I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to sing again. It's not because my faith wasn't there. It was. I just felt wounded, weak, and vulnerable. Tears were close to my eyes at all times, especially during worship. Worship also became a very poignant time for me. Other than communion, I have never felt so connected to our babies and our Heavenly Father at the same time, as I do when I am worshipping. Worship takes me right before Jesus spiritually which is where our babies are physically. I can envision them worshipping, dancing with Jesus, and just adoring all that He is. I didn't know that I would ever be able to be part of the worship team again. I didn't know that God could bring the kind of healing that He brings. I didn't realize how powerful He was. I didn't know how capable He was. Then last night I was reminded of al of these things.

As I went to practice, I won't lie, I was a tiny bit nervous. It was a bit difficult for me because the last time I had practiced, I had been pregnant with Samantha. That made me sad, of course, because in a perfect world, where nothing was fallen, we would be due to give her birth around April 3rd. But now she's with Jesus. So it was a little hard for me to go but once I got there, I felt so at home. I realized how much I love to sing and leading worship and how much I love my fellow worship team members. They are truly some of my favorite people in the world.

As we went through singing, in the back of my mind, I thought how much my faith had grown. Yes, I believed all the words when I sang them months ago but I believe them even more now than I did then. Today, I know, from personal experience, that our God is a loving God. I know He keeps His promises. I know that He never gives us more than we can bear. I know He provides in ways that are unmeasurable. And most of all, I know that nothing can ever separate us from Him. I also know how good He is. Even when the world doubts and wonders how we can trust, in my heart, I know that He is good, He is only loving, and He is truly an awesome God.

As I drove home after practice, I recalled that conversation I had with Chris about possibly not singing again. All of a sudden, I was hit with the realization that God has been so good to me over the past few months. I have been through ups and downs in life but I can truly say that the past year has been the hardest year of my life. I have experienced a lot of pain and really struggled. But I am coming out on the other side. I'm not there yet. I'm not certain I'll ever be there. But what I do know is that no matter where I am in life, no matter what my circumstances are, nothing can come between me and God. He is a strong and mighty God and powerful enough to do anything He wants. His plans are unfathomable and incredible. His ways are best. The most incredible thing I've learned is how He cares so deeply. Even though I am just one person, just a little me in my mind, He cares about and loves me. He cares enough to bring me healing and to give me the strength to sing and praise Him again. Even the littlest things, He cares about. I can see how His healing hand reaches out daily and touches my life and I am so in awe of Him.

I know things I didn't know months ago...and I'm so glad that I do. Our God is an awesome God. I am grateful to have walked through the storm because now I know that my faith has been tested and developed and that in my heart and my mind, nothing can ever make me doubt our God. I now don't just believe...I know the truth about God and His Word. Nothing else compares.

Thank you, Lord, for all that you are, and have been, and will be. I love you.

~Shannon