What's this about?

I am Shannon and my husband is Chris. This is a place to share and process struggles related to miscarriages, eating disorders, and Shannon's struggle with sexual abuse. We have found that joy, exempt of Christ, is often bittersweet in this life. We look forward to heaven where sweetness will abound and bitterness will be gone.







Thursday, March 31, 2011

Rejoicing in this pregnancy and grieving Samantha

I have been avoiding writing and actually avoiding talking with people. J wants me to reach out and connect with people but I don't know if I want to do that. I am struggling. I am rejoicing and filled with joy and delight in my heart at this our fourth pregnancy, which is going well, and yet....I am filled with pain...and a great disappointment. Why?

Samantha's due date would be this Sunday, April 3rd. It's breaking my heart. I feel that the whole month of April will be difficult. I am wondering would I have come late or early on my own? Would Samantha have been induced? Would my labor have been long? What would have her cry sounded like? And most of all, what would it have been to look into her precious eyes and hold her in our arms? To pray and rejoice over her...

It's not fair.

But then again...life's not fair. We are the ones who messed it up with sin. I get that. I also know that Samantha is with Jesus and Noah and Dominic. I get that. But it doesn't make it hurt less...

Plus I'm probably very much more (is that correct grammar? no!) emotional because I am pregnant....

And it looks like Sprout might turn out to be our rainbow baby. Just maybe this is the Lord's plan and timing for us to bring a child home.

But I don't understand it. I'm not angry at God. I'm really not.

I'm just so sad and confused....

and not sure how to reach out and who gets it.

~Shannon
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3 comments:

  1. Sarah JoyMarch 31, 2011 at 5:23 PM

    Just so you know, I've been thinking a lot about you with this induction coming up. It doesn't quite seem fair that not only do I get my baby, but I get him the same weekend Samantha was due? I always wish I could have changed that for you, but I am so so happy for this new blessing! Thanks so much for always being open to hearing about my milestones & trusting me as someone you could spill to. I LOVE YOU!!!!

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  2. RachelMarch 31, 2011 at 8:58 PM

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  3. RachelMarch 31, 2011 at 8:58 PM

    Hi Shannon. I think you explain very well what you're feeling. Since I'm not a mother, and I've never been pregnant, I probably can't fully understand, but I can only imagine how you feel. You pain isn't lessened by Sprout, nor should it be. Sprout isn't Samantha. I think of you often and I'm praying for you!!

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