Remembering Ripley Ann (for Jessica)

Dear Ripley Ann,

Where to start? I can't even begin. When your mom called me last week and told me they thought she was losing you, my heart started to quiver. When she called again and said you had gone to live with Jesus, my heart started to break. I know what it's like to lose a baby. Three of them are with you, in heaven, with Jesus...but they aren't here with me.

What would I want to tell you, Ripley? I'd want to tell you that you are very loved. The day your mom found out she was pregnant, she couldn't keep her lips sealed. She called me and told me the awesome joyful news. I could hear joy overflowing in her voice. She and your daddy were amazed and surprised to find out that you were inside of you. And...they loved you already.

Every time we talked, your mom and I, I knew she loved you. And when she lost you, she wept and sobbed because nothing hurts more than losing someone you love...especially someone like you.

I'm certain you are beautiful, Ripley. I know that you are precious. I envision how darling you must be. And I can imagine you've got the best personality, sweet, funny, quirky....You would be a precious combination of your parents.

Ripley, we know that you are with Jesus. And someday we will all be in heaven with you. Your mom can't wait until eternity. She loves you dearly and will always look forward to that embrace. Thank you for blessing her life and through her, blessing mine, with your sweet precious life.

Love,
Aunt Shannon

P.S. Give your cousins Samantha, Dominic, and Noah a hug. Tell them I love them.

*For my best friend, Jess, who lost Ripley Ann, at the end of last week. I get it. It hurts. There's nothing that can make the pain disappear. But we have hope in Jesus and we will see Ripley again.*

A friend of mine

When someone else you love goes through something you've been through, it hurts. And it hurts double...because you know how bad they hurt.

A friend of mine may be losing their baby and my heart is just breaking for them. It also takes me right back to the days where I lost my babies. Sad, sad days.

~Shannon

Nausea and vomiting/ 21 weeks

So over the past three weeks I have really been not feeling well. The nausea/vomiting has gotten worse and worse. After being out of town for a few days, I ended up in the ER last night.  I was starting to dehydrate and could not keep ANYTHING down. That was incredibly frustrating.

The good news was I got fluids and started to feel much better. I also got a prescription for anti-nausea and anti-heartburn meds. I hadn't slept in a few days either so I was in rough shape, physically. Finally, this morning, I feel better! I am supposed to take these meds around the clock so ideally my nausea/vomiting should be taken care of.

I sent a text out to someone yesterday, expressing how frustrated I was because I felt like I wasn't able to function because I feel that I have been sick most of the past year due to all four pregnancies. I can't even call people or talk on the phone as much as possible. I spend a good chunk of time each day just laying down trying not to be sick. I haven't been able to see people as much as I'd like and it seems like Chris and I have limited time together and most of the time we are together, I am sick. It's been difficult. In the car is the worst. That's part of why we made our trip longer this weekend to visit family and friends in Michigan. Even when we were out of town this past weekend, I was sick a lot of it....on the car trip, it took us almost eight hours instead the four and a half it normally does and on the way home, I was sick. I felt nauseated waiting for food at a wedding on Saturday because lunch had worn off. It gets frustrating...but then I remember that this baby is inside of me and is growing and is healthy and that this is just part of the process...

On an awesomer note though, I'm 21 weeks pregnant. As of yesterday. How cool is that? Granted I wish I could celebrate with more than a barf bucket and Gatorade but only 19 weeks to go...MORE THAN HALFWAY THERE! So blessed. And yet so scared...and still worried and still missing the other babies.

~Shannon

My three heaven living babies

June 3rd. I have no clue whether or not Samantha would have been born on April 3rd. I just know that it is the due date we were given. So it's the closest thing I have to what a birthdate would have been. In two days, I realize that Samantha could have been two months old.

Dominic...I thought was going to be our miracle baby. I thought he'd be the peace that came after Samantha. It wasn't to be so. He would have been due in early August, I believe.

Noah. Our first 2011 conception and beautiful baby. I thought he was our New Year, New Hope Baby. But I was wrong again. He was only with us for a short time. I miss him....I feel him inside of me still in a sense......because Sprout came into me just a couple of weeks after he left. They practically shared the space in my body. Because two weeks after I lost him.....I conceived again.  He would be due in mid September...would have been probably just about a month before my current due date of October 18th. Instead of 20 weeks pregnant, I'd be 24....Crazy.

But I don't want him in place of Sprout. But nor would I pick this baby in place of Noah, Dominic, and Samantha....and it would be cruel of anyone, even myself, to force me to pick one of them over another.

Yesterday was my 20 weeks mark and my BIG ultrasound. We found out what the gender is but still are not going to announce until the birth... It will take some processing to accept. I knew no matter whether they told us boy or girl that it would be difficult because we've lost one little girl and two little boys already so either way, our hearts would hurt. I also realized that this baby....has one big sister and one big brother. And I so wonder if Sprout's siblings would look like him/her now that I've seen Sprout's features on the ultrasound. I believe Sprout has Daddy's nose and mouth, and Mommy's chin...and a combo of both of our foreheads. What would Samantha, Dominic, and Noah look like? Would they look like Sprout? Would they look like me or like Chris? Questions I don't think I'll ever know the answer to this side of heaven.

I cried last night.

I let yesterday be Sprout's. I was filled with joy at this little miracle inside of me. Chris and I marveled at the perfectly made, delicate body parts we saw.......we realized again how precious life is...by looking at this tiny baby inside of me. I let myself rejoice in this little baby that is currently inside.

But by night, grief had built up. And my best friend R is so good at reminding me that grief has to be let out...Like a faucet, you have to open the spigot and let it flow....or else the pressure gets too heavy and could burst. I cried a little. I'm still missing the other babies. And I feel so cheated out of life with them and out of the pregnancy with them. Samantha, somewhat, I got to marvel over her features. But neither Dominic or Noah.....they were here and gone in the blink of an eye.

I miss them still.
But I love Sprout.

I remind myself that it's okay to feel both ways at one time...but it is hard. I feel like I am cheating this baby out of the current joy that I should have for him/her...but.....I know that it's reality. Life is not perfect. The loss of our three babies has forever changed who we are, who I am, and I have to accept that. It will impact me forever, as long as I live, I think.....and that's just part of the reality and the family we have........

That's a lot...and I know it's heavy...but it needed to be said!

~Shannon