June 3rd. I have no clue whether or not Samantha would have been born on April 3rd. I just know that it is the due date we were given. So it's the closest thing I have to what a birthdate would have been. In two days, I realize that Samantha could have been two months old.
Dominic...I thought was going to be our miracle baby. I thought he'd be the peace that came after Samantha. It wasn't to be so. He would have been due in early August, I believe.
Noah. Our first 2011 conception and beautiful baby. I thought he was our New Year, New Hope Baby. But I was wrong again. He was only with us for a short time. I miss him....I feel him inside of me still in a sense......because Sprout came into me just a couple of weeks after he left. They practically shared the space in my body. Because two weeks after I lost him.....I conceived again. He would be due in mid September...would have been probably just about a month before my current due date of October 18th. Instead of 20 weeks pregnant, I'd be 24....Crazy.
But I don't want him in place of Sprout. But nor would I pick this baby in place of Noah, Dominic, and Samantha....and it would be cruel of anyone, even myself, to force me to pick one of them over another.
Yesterday was my 20 weeks mark and my BIG ultrasound. We found out what the gender is but still are not going to announce until the birth... It will take some processing to accept. I knew no matter whether they told us boy or girl that it would be difficult because we've lost one little girl and two little boys already so either way, our hearts would hurt. I also realized that this baby....has one big sister and one big brother. And I so wonder if Sprout's siblings would look like him/her now that I've seen Sprout's features on the ultrasound. I believe Sprout has Daddy's nose and mouth, and Mommy's chin...and a combo of both of our foreheads. What would Samantha, Dominic, and Noah look like? Would they look like Sprout? Would they look like me or like Chris? Questions I don't think I'll ever know the answer to this side of heaven.
I cried last night.
I let yesterday be Sprout's. I was filled with joy at this little miracle inside of me. Chris and I marveled at the perfectly made, delicate body parts we saw.......we realized again how precious life is...by looking at this tiny baby inside of me. I let myself rejoice in this little baby that is currently inside.
But by night, grief had built up. And my best friend R is so good at reminding me that grief has to be let out...Like a faucet, you have to open the spigot and let it flow....or else the pressure gets too heavy and could burst. I cried a little. I'm still missing the other babies. And I feel so cheated out of life with them and out of the pregnancy with them. Samantha, somewhat, I got to marvel over her features. But neither Dominic or Noah.....they were here and gone in the blink of an eye.
I miss them still.
But I love Sprout.
I remind myself that it's okay to feel both ways at one time...but it is hard. I feel like I am cheating this baby out of the current joy that I should have for him/her...but.....I know that it's reality. Life is not perfect. The loss of our three babies has forever changed who we are, who I am, and I have to accept that. It will impact me forever, as long as I live, I think.....and that's just part of the reality and the family we have........
That's a lot...and I know it's heavy...but it needed to be said!
~Shannon
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