I think this baby is going to come home

I woke up in the middle of the night and cried last night. Quietly...so I wouldn't wake Chris up. I cried tears of joy and still tears of grief. I woke up to baby moving and in my head....I thought 'I think this baby is going to come home.' And it scared me and filled me with joy and then hurt so badly because I missed Samantha, Dominic, and Noah terribly. Talk about mixed feelings.

I'm thrilled to be almost 29 weeks pregnant. Truly I am. I am so grateful that God answered my prayer for a rainbow baby. An especially bright rainbow baby, after not one, not two, but three losses. I asked if I could be pregnant with a baby we could keep by the time Samantha's due date rolled around...and when April 3rd came around, I had been pregnant with this child for weeks already. Talk about how blessed I am! And how blessed I am to know that when I get to heaven, that my other children will be there....Chris and I talk about that and more recently, my dear best friend J, and I talk about it a lot too. I am so grateful for all of that. But...

It still hurts. My arms still feel empty. My best friends R and S have little babies and I can't help but wonder what Samantha would be like. Dominic would be due in August---I'd be so close. Noah in September. And I am missing those milestones and can't hold those children. It's totally mixed feelings, totally mega mixed feelings.

So I cried last night......tears of joy and tears of grief. I am so blessed but blessings can never erase scars they can only soothe them as best they can. And I am grateful that God has offered some healing balm in this child that kicks and lives strongly inside of me.

I think this baby is going to come home in October. I shouldn't doubt God because He told me months ago that he/she would...but I have such little faith sometimes.

And even though this baby will come home....he/she can never replace my other three. I love them all equally and dearly.

But I do look forward to holding this child in my arms. Until then...I'll pat my stomach, call my sweet little one by name, and pray for this child that God has blessed us with.

God, you are so good. Even when it hurts.

~Shannon