Today has been a hard one for me. I think maybe it's because I've been doing lots of blogging, listening to songs that touch my heart, and really reflecting. It's healing in a sense....the tears that come aren't sobs, just a small overflow of what is going on in my heart.
I think another reason it's been hard is because it's Wednesday. Two weeks ago, on a Wednesday, I had to have my D&C done, after we found out the day before that I'd miscarried my sweet Samantha Peep. I want to go back there (mentally) and share those experiences but I'm not ready yet. It's so hard, how I went from being pregnant to just not....and my entire life is now changed forever by this tiny baby who now lives with Jesus.
Yesterday was hard too. I started the blog but didn't write a heavy entry. I am wondering when Tuesdays and Wednesdays will stop being difficult. If I'll ever stop counting the weeks from when I miscarried? Two weeks. Two weeks and I feel like I have aged 10 years. Another thing I can't stop counting is what I should be. I should be 14.5 weeks pregnant. I should not be two weeks after my D&C....I should be in my second trimester celebrating another milestone. The symptoms that I thought were stopping because I was getting toward the end of my first trimester were actually stopping because I had miscarried. How ironic. I'd give anything to be sick again, if it meant I was pregnant.
Chris and I will never be the same. We seem to be stronger now...some sort of non-removeable superglue is holding us together. We knew this could happen. Before we were married, we talked about things like this. How marriage is supposed to last through the toughest and hardest of times and if we were faced with difficulties, could we survive? We made a heartfelt vow to always draw together in the toughest of times...and it is one of our strengths.
I found this next quote from another blog. The author is unknown.
If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you. If God had told me, "this soul will one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me, "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me "this soul would one day make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you. If He would have told me "our time spent together here on earth could be short", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me "this soul may one day make me witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me, "all that you know to be normal will drastically change", I still would have chosen you. Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you. Thank you God for letting me be his mommy!"-Author Unknown
I feel that way. Even knowing we would've miscarried, Chris and I have talked about it and we wouldn't have traded my pregnancy and our sweet Samantha Peep for anything in the world. We so love her and we know that in heaven we will all be together, worshipping and praising our Savior Jesus Christ together, forever...We are so glad we chose life. I feel so blessed for having had that precious baby in me for as long as I did.
Heavenly Father, may our words and our lives glorify you even when you mystify us.
Shannon
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