How do I really feel? I'm sitting here and laughing, trying to be normal...but in the back of my mind, I am angry. I am sad. I am grieving.
I want to scream.
I want to shout.
I want to yell.
But I don't do any of that. Why? Because it won't bring Samantha back. She's gone from this earth forever. So I figure no sense in fighting it. But I am so weary.
I know this is normal. I know I'm not crazy. My hormones are fluctuating....
but it doesn't make it feel any better.
Today, I read on another blog that this woman had recently passed the three year anniversary of her baby. I can't even imagine being there. She said that when people told her that time heals (back right after she miscarried) she didn't believe it. I feel that way. But she said that today she does believe it. Time does heal...not all things but it makes it easier. It is my hope that I will believe that soon enough myself.
I am supposed to be heading to Tennessee for a convention with our church in November. Chris is going too. I have been to this event twice before and I always enjoy it but this time I am apprehensive. I agreed to go and I will go. Otherwise, I will pay our church back but I am taking a leap of faith and believing that I will be okay. Somehow, I keep getting overstimulated and that stresses me out. I am apprehensive about the general events with loud bands and speakers. I will be okay with the smaller sessions but the loudness I fear. I prefer to sit in silence or just to listen to a song and softly sing along. I pray that God takes away this overstimulation. I know part of it is an overstimulation from the stress I am still feeling.
Perhaps time will make it better. That's all I can hold onto.
~Shannon
Shannon,
ReplyDeleteThat is a feeling I totally understand. Even though letting those feelings out won't bring back your precious Peep, you might find some relief from it. Or maybe not, I can only guess. But they are genuine feelings. Don't feel like you have to keep them all bottled up!!
Love,
Rachel
Stay strong, my friend. I am praying for you during this difficult time. I have been reading your blog for a while, but I don't really know what to say. Just know you are in my prayers and I miss you !<3<3<3
ReplyDeleteLove you Sis. You know that if you need to just call anyone to cry. It's me. I love hearing from you no matter what the circumstances and you know that I'll set anything aside to comfort you. I don't know what you're feeling, but I pray every night you don't have to feel it ever again...Time will tell.
ReplyDelete-Brittany.
Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI may need to scream, wail, etc. I've cried a lot but my tears are drying up and my grief is still there. I think I need another outlet. Thanks for reminding me it's okay to express.
Debbie,
Thank you for caring. Sometimes just being there and not saying anything is the best thing a person can do. I love you.
Britt,
You are such an awesome sister. I am so glad our relationship has grown and flourished as you've gotten older (we've gotten older I should say)....I love you so much. I hope I never have to feel this again...but I trust all things to God.
Love you with all my heart, sis. Thanks for reading and loving me as I am.
S