Since all of this happened, since I knew all of this might happen, I have struggled with not asking why. But I've tried not to ask. I tried and have been content be mystified and confused. But yesterday, those feelings in me arose. I know that anger and questioning is a part of grieving but it's a part I'm not comfortable with. It makes me want to flee from those feelings. So there's three things I'm struggling with.
I am struggling with jealousy. Perhaps envy is a better word. I am not coveting what my neighbor has, not wishing I had it instead of them but just wondering why I don't have it too. I would never wish my dearest friends and family members to go through a miscarriage but I can't help but envy those that are pregnant and wish I was in the same boat. Last night, I had a great conversation with a dear friend (thanks S.B.) who is pregnant and would have been just a week or two behind me if I was still. She was a blessing to talk to. Being a mom herself now, I feel like she really understands how much I loved little Samantha. I had prayed that God would let my one of my best friends be pregnant with me. I felt as though my prayers were answered when she called and said she was pregnant. I was so excited. So now I am sad. I started to think that maybe God liked this dear friend more than me but then I realized that wasn't rational or true but my sinful self thinking.
I also realized that even though their is pain in the blessing of her pregnancy for me, there is also blessing. As I said, she has still been a close support and she does understand the "mom" feelings that arise in me because she is there herself. So I can't fault God. He is good. His ways are better than mine.
I also struggle with questioning. Why would God do this to me? Is this a punishment? While I know all the rational and clear areas and what Scripture tells me, it still doesn't answer those deep questions that lurk in the back of my mind and arise in the dead of night.
Confusion goes along with questioning. Did I do something wrong? Why did He let me fall in love just to take the baby away? The other thing that I wonder about is if there's something wrong with my body. Will I have other children?
However, the fact of the matter is that only God knows the depths of my heart and the answer to all my hurts. And while I don't understand how He works, one thing remains preeminent in my life; that He is good and loves me always. I know He would never hurt me.
But yet....I am still human and must contend with my envy, questions, and confusion....
~Shannon
Shanny,
ReplyDeleteIt is good that you are expressing these emotions, and the last few blogs about the whole story of Samantha. Telling the story over and over may help you heal. We might not ever know why these terrible things happen. And by the time we are standing before God, maybe in the glory of His presence we will find out all the answers that we've been searching. I can understand some of your envy over other pregnant women. I haven't been married very long yet, and you know our story, but there's a fair chance that we cannot have our own children, and infertility is another of those less visible griefs, there is no body to bury, no public funeral, but the hurt is still very real; a death of dreams. My fear arises over the sight of a pregnant woman or a tiny baby, and your own words come from my mouth "where is my baby?" I'm here with you Shannon, with my whole heart. I love you so much, and "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 ESV.