Our pregnancy was an adventure....I am finally coming clean with people, telling them the whole story, and I think it's really helped us. It also helps others to realize why we might have had such a few stressful months and what led up to the miscarriage that really was only the climax of our life story and now the downhill climb from that.
On July 10th, I was a matron of honor in my best friend's wedding. It was a fantastic time. Leading up to the wedding though, I had been really actively struggling with my eating disorder. It had been a major issue. However, by the time the wedding rolled around and I had spent a couple of days prior with many of my best friends, I was doing great. I was remembering that Chris and I were madly in love, about to celebrate our two year anniversary (July 11th) and that I was with my best friends who love me, no matter what I look like or do...just because I'm me. These are girls who were as close to me as my sisters in college and still remain that way today. So I was thrilled and blessed to be able to be with them. I actually enjoyed the wedding day, felt comfortable in my matron of honor dress, and was able to dance, laugh, and celebrate the night away until Chris and I had to head back home. Halfway home, we stopped at a hotel that we had made reservations at. It was past midnight, now our anniversary, and we know now that we conceived little Samantha Peep that night. We had tossed caution to the wind and said "Lord, if you want us to have a baby, here's your chance." Funny how that worked out.
The next week was crazy. We worked a few days then loaded up our things and headed to New Orleans with our youth group and two other leaders, our DCE, and 12 youth for the LCMS National Youth Gathering themed We Believe. We had a fantastic time, grew in our faith, and bonded with our group. I truly believe that God blessed the timing of this pregnancy by allowing us that experience to grow spiritually before finding out our lives were going to change. It was great. My eating disorder did great and stayed away while on the trip. I wanted to simply enjoy the moment and I loved being with our youth, whom I know for a fact love me for me. This was a major blessing. However, while I was down there, I kept feeling sick. I know now it was morning sickness...not late night pizza and overstimulating music! E.N. kept saying "Maybe you're pregnant!" I was like "No....well....maybe?!"
We came back from New Orleans and when no period arrived and I could not recall the exact date of my last period, I decided to take a pregnancy test on Saturday, July 24th. I had previously been taking pregnancy tests each month since my periods had been not irregular but coming a wee bit late each month. They had all come up negative and I imagined this one would too. So imagine my surprise when it came up with two lines, not one, and conclusively screamed POSITIVE.
At this point, I wish I could say that I bought baby carrots, baby whatevers, and whatevers and made my husband a nice dinner to surprise him when he came home. No, instead I called him crying. Well, actually I managed to hold my tears for a bit. I figured if I couldn't wait because I was too upset, I could at least tell him without crying. He answered his cell phone....so I said "Hey....." He said "Hey, what's up?" I was like "Oh well, I just wanted to give you a call and let you know that we're having a baby." I tried, semi-successfully, to sound excited and not cry. He was like, "For real? Are you serious?" I was like, "For real, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive." He was like "We're having a baby....how do YOU feel about that?" He sounded excited and then I burst into tears....."I'm FREAKING OUT!! I don't know how we're going to do this. We shouldn't have done this. You said I wouldn't get pregnant! Ahhhh!" And cried....then calmed, then cried, then calmed. Throughout the day waiting for him to come home, I was filled with ups and downs. I called one of my best friends and told her what was going on. We talked and she was very encouraging through my tears. Finally Chris came home and he reassured me that everything would be fine and dandy and we would make the finacial situation work, etc. This started to calm me and over the next five days I would calm down, fall in love with Peep, and even get excited about being pregnant.
Monday, July 26th rolled around. I called the doctor's office (because I hadn't been able to call over the weekend) and they asked when my last period was. Because I couldn't tell them (DUMB me!) I had to go in for a pregnancy confirmation visit on Friday, July 30th. Chris and I called to share what was going with the eating disorder because currently I had been in counseling and we knew that getting on a scale would be a problem for me. They agreed to weigh me backwards and not say the number.
All week was good. I was nervous but excited. I was pregnant! When we went to the appointment, Chris agreed that he would stay near me during the weigh in to remind them. Unfortunately, prior to the weigh in, I had to give a urine sample. When I came out of the bathroom, Chris was gone. The nurse told me she'd sent him back to my exam room. She escorted me into the scale area and not only did she weigh someone else in front of me, she weighed me and said my number out loud! I was pretty hysterical by the time I got to the exam room. Chris took one look at me and he was angry. He knew what had happened. He slammed his sunglasses to the floor. He's like "I shouldn't have left you!" By the time our doctor came in, I was sobbing hysterically and claiming to Chris "I'm not having this baby. I can't get on or NEAR the scale again." The doctor apologized. I, through tears, said "We called about this....so this wouldn't happen!" The doctors said "I know you did. It's right here in your chart. I can see that. I knew you had called. Apparently they missed it. I am so, so sorry, Shannon." He did a brief examination and then told me to come back in four weeks. He was very gentle, kind, and highly apologetic which made things a little better but not much. He concluded that I was five weeks pregnant and due at the beginning of April.
After the appointment, I marched out of the office. Chris attempted to follow me. I was screaming "I am not having this baby!" After I finally got him to leave me alone, it was a terrible afternoon. I went to work, looked up the nearest Planned Parenthood (even though I am COMPLETELY pro-life, that's how hysterical I was) and took a bus downtown. I got there only to be told that I had to call another location/number to set up an abortion. I'm so thankful I couldn't do it immediately because I would have made a very rash, very bad decision. I actually set up the appointment for the following week. Then I finally let Chris (who had been wandering all over Pittsburgh) pick me up. He had been talking with our pastor and two of our very good friends (whom we were supposed to see that weekend at their in-laws) and they had been calling me. Chris came and got me but I was highly insistent that I didn't want to see our friends. After sobbing and talking for a long time, I said "But I don't want to have an abortion! I just CAN'T get on the scale...." It was bad. Chris agreed to call the OBGYN office and ask them if I could stay away from the scale. You see, it was so bad because I had told myself the worst wouldn't happen and then it did. Now, I couldn't even go NEAR the scale. Anyhow, the office manager reassured Chris that likely that would not be a problem since the doctor himself had said "I don't think she can be anywhere a scale." He was right. We ended up cancelling the abortion, going and seeing our friends, and in the next few days we were reassured and became excited about the pregnancy once again, especially knowing I wouldn't have to get on the scale. Anyhow, though, I secretly wished I would miscarry right after I cancelled the abortion, a secret wish that I would end up regretting a couple of days later and pray that the Lord would forgive me and forget my wish. I know that what happened is not because I wished for it but it still makes it a little harder.
Over the next two weeks, we grew thrilled about the pregnancy. God granted me joy and peace! I wrote our little Peep letters. I slowly slid into the motherhood role and was content and overjoyed about how wonderful life would be. I prayed for our baby. I bought things and I told my mom and my best friends. I needed these women I talked with so regularly to be on board. They were overjoyed and their joy multiplied ours. I even prayed that one of my best friends would become pregnant. One did! I was overjoyed when she called, looking forward to sharing the joy of pregnancy and our future parenting.
That was fine until two weeks after my prenatal visit. Friday, August 15th, I started bleeding.
That's all I have time to write today. I'll write the rest of our journey tomorrow. Blessings and love to all of you.
~Shannon
I love you, Shan.
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