I'm really hurting right now. First of all, for the loss of our sweet baby. Second of all, because I'm hurting so badly because it was our baby we lost. Let me explain. I always imagined, envisioned, tried to think of what a mother's love and a mother's heart was like....but until you've been there, you can't even begin to imagine. I think I really fell in love with Samantha Peep when I saw her on the ultrasound image the first time I went in for bleeding. I was instantly enthralled by our tiny little flapping and kicking blob with a heartbeat. She was life. She was alive! Chris and I tightly gripped hands and beamed as the ultrasound technician said she saw a heartbeat and everything looked great. And we had loved our baby before, but that's when it made it real and we fell head over heels in love with this baby....and then we lost her. We had no clue that 5 weeks later we'd be in the same situation but with the opposite news and that our hearts could break with as much pain as they had felt joy. So now my mother's heart hurts...my heart is so tender....and I miss our baby, more than words can ever express. So much feels lost and I don't know where to go from here. This entire thing has given me more clarity than I've ever had but I can't have the one thing I want........I want my baby.
I read in one of the resources our pastor gave us that there can be no grief without love. Our grief is a tribute to the love we had for our baby. Well, I know I did love that baby a lot and I can certainly feel it now because my heart feels ripped at.
~Shannon
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