The past few days

The past few days I haven't blogged because I didn't access to Internet. On Friday, we celebrated our anniversary. We decided, in lieu of presents, to just spend the day together. We had cinnamon rolls for breakfast, finished our last episode of Lost to send it back to Netflix, and then headed off to do some shopping and spend lunch out. We had Japanese for lunch and found me a new shirt, picked up the movie Fireproof, as well as a book on stewardship, and picked up some more jewelry making things for me. We mainly just enjoyed being together. We did our grocery shopping and then had take out Chinese for dinner (it was a no cooking day for us because cooking has been EXHAUSTING lately) and things were mostly good. I had been feeling a wee bit emotional throughout the day, seeing baby things, etc., but had handled it well and we had a generally good day.

Unfortunately, as evening neared, I felt myself getting agitated. I didn't know what was going on so I just tried to push it aside but that didn't work out so well. We were playing chess when I made one bad move. Chris was like "really?" (in wonder) as he moved in on my queen. I had just noticed my bad move (had been having a hard time focusing on the game anyhow) and freaked out. I swept my hand across the chess board and dashed out of the room sobbing. I'm pretty sure it wasn't the chess board that set me off but rather just that anxious, sad, irritable edge that had been welling up in me. Sure enough, I sobbed and cried and Chris just held me for a bit that evening. It was rough and I was upset because I felt as though I had ruined our "special" anniversary day. But no days lately have been one hundred percent good so I'm not sure what I expected. If I thought I could just pretend things were great and forget everything for a day? Not that Chris was expecting anything but I put the pressure on...I had an expectation. But overall, it was okay.

Saturday, we went and saw Life As We Know It. It was a relatively good movie. Of course, it made me cry (being about babies, etc.) I did sob a couple of times but I also was able to enjoy it found it therapeutic. When the little girl Sophie said "Mama" though, I lost it for two or three minutes. But it was good for us too and it was good to be out and doing things, even though it was difficult. That evening was the award dinner for Chris. It actually went okay. We arrived for appetizers and the two of us just chatted. It was a wee bit awkward because you have to realize that the 300 or so people that attended were from like 13 different hospitals and a whole bunch of different labs and facilities. As is such, we didn't really know anyone else. I enjoyed a glass of Cabernet wine while we wandered, listened to music, etc. and Chris enjoyed a nice white Zinfandel. Luckily, for dinner, the seating had been done intentionally and we were seated with Chris's boss's boss's boss (something like that) named Linda whom he was familiar with. Our fellow tablemates were all very sweet, nice people too and we actually enjoyed their company and stayed the entire evening. Dinner was good too. I was so proud of my husband and that helped too. At point during the program/speeches, I teared up though and thought I would lose it. They said something like ".....Womens' Hospital is generally a place of joy but for some mothers and families, it a place of loss and sadness when they lose their baby." They were awarding a team from the hospital that I had the D&C done at and that was how they prefaced it. It brought me to tears and Chris just slid his arm around me and patted my back. I composed myself and the rest of the night was nice. When we got home we were both pretty wired and energetic so we got a lot of laundry done. Folding, washing, drying, and more folding. Productive at least. I actually fell asleep on a decent note. A little sad but not as tearful as I have been.

Then Sunday. Waking up was fine but then I got upset shortly before we left for church. The ride there was good but then once we got close, I got worked up again. My dear friend Sandi sat with us during church and she likely has no idea how comforting that was to us once again. I love her and she is a mother type of figure. It always comforts me to have Chris on my right and Sandi on my left. I feel sandwiched in safety. Afterwards, I enjoyed a pleasant conversation with two of our young ladies from youth group (E.N. and J.S) which was also really nice. I had forgotten how much I missed them.

When we got home, though, things went sour for most of the day. Chris was not having a great day and I started to feel very empty and very sad. We finally resolved those feelings and had a good late evening. I enjoyed talking with my mother-in-law (thanks J.H.) for awhile before we played our nightly cribbage game. That was about it.

And then here we are today........