This weekend is supposed to be celebratory. We are supposed to celebrate our anniversary tomorrow. We are supposed to celebrate an award Chris got at work by going to a very nice dinner hosted for the award winners by his place of employment. When we planned all this, it was a time of celebration. I was supposed to be 15 weeks pregnant. I would have been celebrating making it through my first trimester. I want to enjoy tomorrow but I don't know how to. I know Chris doesn't have expectations but I still feel like I want this to be special since we haven't celebrated and our anniversary was back in July. No, maybe that's not true. We had a very small and quick celebration in which we know that God gave us Samantha Peep. Maybe that's why now is so painful?
But the dinner on Saturday will be hardest. To be around lots of people I don't know is already difficult for me. But to have to be celebratory and happy. I am trying to remember that I am very proud of my husband because I am. I said to him the other night "Now the rest of the world knows what I already knew---how awesome you are!" I do feel that way but I'm sad too....because part of our family is gone.
~Shannon
I know you can make it, Shannon. I think this will be a very big and good step in healing... not to say it will be easy, but that with Chris and Christ by your side, you can do this thing for Chris. And I'm sure you don't even have to be "bubbly" or "outgoing" - I'm sure you can be rather quiet and people will still see you as sweet. I worry about that sometimes, but I'm so quiet, and people tend to like me. :) I say these things because I was thinking they might be part of your fears... people won't look down on you even if you have to cry for a little while!
ReplyDeleteShannon,
ReplyDeleteThat does sound like it will be difficult. Especially since you didn't get to have a funeral/memorial that everyone would be aware. Don't worry about expectations. Just be yourself and relax. Dr. Suess said “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I try to remind myself of that all the time. :-)
Praying for you!
Praying for you -- it's tough to try and rejoice when you know you should but you just can't. My first trip home to see my family and celebrate a special birthday (with a LOT of people) was supposed to be a time of joy, but it happened a month after I miscarried Atilla and it was nothing short of heartbreaking. The only advice I can give to you is to ask God for strength when it comes to those big groups of people... as far as celebrating your anniversary, try and focus on reminiscing the build leading up to your wedding, how excited you were, the smells the tastes the feelings... despite Samantha Peep being gone, you've still got an incredible man in your life to celebrate -- Chris! :) <3
ReplyDeleteShannon, Tonight will be difficult, but I am confident that you can get through it. The Lord will give you the strength you need, and he can hear your cries for mercy before they leave your lips in prayer.
ReplyDeleteTake heart, have hope, my spirit,
And do not be dismayed;
God helps in ev'ry trial
And makes you unafraid.
Await His time with patience
Through darkest hours of night
Until the sun you hoped for
Delights your eager sight.
(LSB hymn 754, verse 3)
I agree with you, Shanny, that God does not will babies to die. Jesus cries with you over your loss of Samantha. Satan attacks us and those we love, and sin rips beautiful and precious things from our life, but the Lord your God never ceases to be a good God. He has given you a loving and godly husband for whom you prayed so many years ago, and He gave you a Savior who endured the cross for you. He has given you His Spirit to remain with you and strengthen you during trials and always. God has given you compassionate and supporting friends, and He is readying a place for you in eternal paradise, in the presence of the glory of God and there you will see your daughter Samantha again.
Be yourself, and you may see that others have been through a similar situation and will understand.
I love you and will be praying for you.
-B dog