Yes, I'd Like To Talk About Samantha

Right now, I am feeling a lot of sadness. I hopped on my Facebook to see what was happening. There are three people on there that are currently pregnant. There was dialogue and excitement about having a baby and a family member who felt her baby's first kick. I'm so happy for them. I really am. I say that with no malice or sarcasm. I really am glad for the blessing God has given them.

But...I'm sad for me. I think I can be allowed to be sad for me. It feels like it might be getting harder again. My sadness. I don't know what to do with it. I haven't been crying as much. The tears just aren't there. But inside, it's welling up still.

I miss being pregnant. I miss the anticipation of what was to come. I miss Samantha. I miss the daily excitement. I miss it all. I want it back so badly. I just feel like my life suddenly feels so empty. I am a mom and I want my baby back. But I can't have her. I wish I could go join her and Jesus but I know that this is life and it's precious too and so I have to stay here as long as God intends.

I want to be pregnant again so badly. And then at the same time I fear it. Does that make sense? To me, it does. I wonder if anyone else gets it.

Sometimes I worry about people forgetting Samantha. I loved my best friend J who put as her Facebook status that she missed her grandparents and her baby niece Samantha. I loved that more than I can even begin to express. Because it acknowledged her life. Some people in our life haven't called her by name. My best friends have been so good about that and that is so healing! When I say "I'm having a hard time" and they say "I miss Samantha too" it absolutely makes my day. They love me and my baby. It's so special. I am so blessed by these people.

Please, please....this is my request to anyone reading this. Don't be afraid to say a baby's name if they are gone. Ask the parents if they'd like to talk about her. Then acknowledge her/him by name. In my case, say something "would you like to talk about Samantha?" Chances are that yes, I'd like to incorporate her into my daily talk because she's part of my LIFE! I'm thinking about her anyhow. To pretend she doesn't exist is so barbaric and so 1920s!!! Same concept as children should be seen and not heard. CRAZY stuff.

Anyhow, I know I went off on a bit of a rant there but I promises myself this would a safe place to express my feelings. So there....you got it: expression!

Blessings to all of you.

Shannon