Trying Not To Be Angry With God

After I wrote my last post, I tried not to get angry with God. It is so hard not to sometimes. It's not that I hate Him. It's just me in my human and sinful nature rebelling against Him because I don't understand. I really don't want to be angry with God. I am just so sad and I don't understand which makes it natural to question why and then leads to anger when (to my eyes) there seems to be no just answer.

Part of it has to do with a sexual struggle that Chris and I have had since we were married. I have vaginismus (painful intercourse) and at first penetration was difficult. I'm not ready to talk about all of that right now.

Also, I have had plenty of others ups and downs. I have Charcot Marie Tooth Disease (an inherited peripheral neuropathy) and most of my teenage years were consumed with tests, doctor's appointments, and procedures trying to diagnose that. For awhile, they thought it was something more serious. Thank God, it wasn't but....

I've also had an aneurysmal bone cyst removed twice. It wasn't cancerous but it impacted my life quite a bit.

I've struggled emotionally and in my family with different issues.

Sometimes I want to ask ISN'T THAT ENOUGH!? WHY? HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH?

And I want to be excused from this pain because "I'm a good person." I have never been drunk. I didn't have sex until I was married. I didn't do this or that or this or that. But I know that I have sinned, we all have, and that I live in a sinful world where bad things do happen to people and I just have such a difficult time with that concept. I guess we all do. Because we were made for perfection.

And so.....I am trying not to ask why...As my good friend N said "You can't ask why because after all, why not?" She's so right and when I remember that, I am convicted. I can't justify and judge God's actions--nor unjustify. He is the only one right and good!

But does it mean that my sinful self doesn't creep to the surface at times? Absolutely not.

Sigh....

Shannon