It's been rough. Yesterday was rough.
I fell down...I threw up after lunch. Purposefully for the first time in 5 and a half months.
I tried to tell myself not to let it get to me........not to let it become a habit. Then I felt I couldn't control the panic in me after eating just a bit for dinner last night. I went to the bathroom and threw up again.
Today I've eaten nothing. I know that eventually I will have to eat. But I don't want to.
I feel so out of control. I can control my food intake. I want to control my body.
I feel that if I was a size 0 and weighed 99 pounds that my miscarriages would not have happened. I have this notion in my head that I am not beautiful enough to deserve good things.
It's bad. Please keep me in your prayers.
I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but right now I can't see it. I am thinking on Friday that my appointment with J will be much needed.
If you are with me at all in the near future, encourage me to eat but don't force me. If you eat a meal with me, that's better than me eating alone and then don't let me near the bathroom.....I have to break this cycle...or else I am going to be out of control again.
~Shannon
It hurts me and everyone around you, all your friends, family and husband to see you feel like this. And to intentionally cause harm to yourself. I know that this is extremely difficult to deal with but by giving in to those temptations, it will be a lot harder to have a child...You're body will never be strong enough if you just give up now, Shannon. And that's not what either of us wants. If you want to lose weight then here's my proposition, let's do it together. Let's try not eating after a certain time and not eating certain foods. Working out for a little while each day. I want to do anything that will encourage you to stop causing harm to your body. I love you, Shannon. And you are beautiful, I wish you could see that. But WE are OUR own worst enemy's. Billy always has to remind me that I'm pretty but I believe him because he is someone I trust and I take his opinion serious. You need to listen to others ideas' of you more than you should listen to your own cause nobody likes seeing you hurt. <3 <3 <3 You.
ReplyDeleteBrit,
ReplyDeleteYour post really frustrates me. I feel like you don't get it. That's all I have to say.
It's not about losing weight....it's about being in control and being something I'll never be able to be. It's not about certain foods or timing.
And I don't want to give up and I feel like you assume I'm just giving up.
I love you and my frustrations are not just with you. I just struggle with feeling understood.
Thanks sis....
Shannon
Shannon! If you are a size zero, and 99 lb, you probably will just stop having a period! and then really not be able to get pregnant! So that's one image you can wipe out of your mind!!
ReplyDeleteI've always thought you were beautiful.
If beauty were the measure by which we deserve good things, then you would definitely deserve everything you ever desired. :-p However, our beauty is not our standard for what we deserve. So.... yeah.
You are Shannon-beautiful, and I am so glad you make MY life more beautiful.
I know what you mean about wanting to control your body, though. I've had teeny tiny versions of that -- not eating as much as I should because of the changes my body went through in college. It's so hard to figure out the right balance! Even now, I'm excited to gain weight like I'm supposed to, for the baby...but once I started gaining the weight, I started gaining it kind of fast...and I got kind of scared!
You are not alone!
p.s. Baby Barkley says "hi" and "love!"