Want you to get it

I am frustrated. I feel like half the people get the eating disorder and the other half don't.

So what do I want you to get........

How I FEEL.....

I feel terrible about myself. You have to realize I has a distorted perception of myself. How do I KNOW this? Ever looked in a mirror and thought you looked good or fine and then two seconds later thought that you looked HORRID?! I have....I've totally been there.

Or...you feel ugly. You CATCH a glimpse of someone in a window and say that person has fantastic hair! Then you realize it's your hair in that braid that you like...It's so confusing!

WHY I do what I DO....

CONTROL! I feel terribly out of control...and in the words of J....I don't trust my body! I REALLY don't.....

It's not so easy for me to just say I am going to do this and work out like this. When I end up on an exercise machine, sometimes I JUST KEEP GOING AND GOING AND GOING even though I AM DIZZY and sick...because I feel like there is that compulsion. I JUST HAVE to burn 1,000 calories or whatever number I am stuck on....

WHAT DO I KNOW?

that it's not good for me...I DO KNOW THAT. I JUST.....don't know HOW not to do. Sometimes mind over matter isn't sufficient. I need help. I do NOT need criticism....

I am SO frustrated with the ED (eating disorder) myself that it only makes me feel ten times worse when other people are frustrated with me.............

Sigh...........

~Shannon