Scared to write

I guess you could say that I've almost been scared to write....

I am still pregnant.

I have had no bleeding.

Nothing indicates complications.

And yet, I am so scared that I am going to miscarry.

I'm almost afraid to talk about it.
Like it might make it real.
But I need to.
Talk about it.

~Shannon

Really Reflecting on I Will Carry You By Selah

Dear Samantha,

These words make me think of you all the time. I still carry you so close to my heart.

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies
Wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave
But I'm not
Truth is
I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years

I will carry you
All my life
I will praise the One
Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

I've shown photographs
of time beginning
Walked her through
the parted sea
Angel lullabies
no more teary eyes
Who could love her
like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
all your life
I will praise the One
Who's chosen me to carry you

Right now another brother or sister is growing inside of me. I love your sibling that we are calling Sprout. But you will always have a special place in my heart as my first baby. I miss you more than you can ever know. Even though it's been six months, it still stings to think about how much I miss you. I wish so badly that in April, I was bringing you home. I want to bring you and Noah and Dominic and Sprout home. All of you. One big happy family. But this side of heaven that can not happen. So I simply look ahead to the day when it can. When Jesus returns or when He calls me home. And finally, we will be together.

I love you, Samantha Peep. And we will meet in the land of perfection where nothing can snatch you from me. Jesus will hold us together until then.

Squeeze your brothers. I love all of you, my dear babies, more than I ever knew was possible.

Love,
Mommy

Feeling bummed today

I am really frustrated. I don't have the energy to write about it right now. But let's just say I am so lost right now. One minute this person tells me one thing, the next they tell me something different. It's so frustrating. Then to be told I won't be a good mom...simply by not getting weighed. I am hoping I misunderstood this person. I am pretty sad today....................

~Shannon

Anxiety

I am feeling a lot of anxiety. No issues with baby or anything but I feel that it is just a matter of time until I miscarry. Logically, I know that I could go on to have a healthy baby but I can't completely grasp that. I am too afraid to hope. I am scared of the unknown. I don't want to miscarry but if I am going to lose this little one, I want to get it over with. Then I feel guilty for thinking that way because I am also grateful for every moment that the little life inside of me is present here on earth. I pray for baby Sprout and I love this child so much too.

Such mixed feelings.

Shannon

My fourth child

Last Sunday, I found out that my fourth child was growing inside of me. I got a positive pregnancy test! What a thrill that was and yet it also sent fear coursing through me. It started many questions. Will I miscarry? Will this be my 'rainbow' baby? Will I get to bring this one home? When will the bleeding start? Will there be no bleeding this time? My head has been spinning. Almost too much to write. I was too scared to say anything. But it's been eight days since I got that positive. That's longer than it was with Noah and with Dominic. Samantha was in me for almost thirteen weeks. With Noah and Dominic, within a couple of days of knowing they existed, they were with Jesus. I have now been aware of baby Sprout for eight days and there haven't been any complications. I feel so blessed. But I am afraid to be too hopeful.

And yet I believe two things that have kept my hope and faith from running dry.

1. Nothing is impossible with God.
2. Nothing is too hard for the Lord.

Those two phrases remind me that anything can be done and nothing is too much work for God.

Please pray for us. We are nervous. But no matter what happens, God is good. He knows best and we love Him.

~Shannon

Emotionally great, Physically sick

Emotionally, I am doing great

However, physically I am really sick --Multiple things going on including brochitis.

Ewww....

So real quick..I have to vent.

What kind of an idiot, knowing someone suffers from an eating disorder, asks if you've lost weight because gee, you look really good.....?

GRRRR!

Shannon

Waiting

These words speak so deeply to my heart.....
Lord, we believe that only you know when we will be able to bring home a baby.
We will wait and trust. We love you, Lord. Your ways are better than ours. Even when it hurts...

From John Waller's While I'm Waiting

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on you, lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on you, lorD
Though it is painful
But patiently I will wait

I will move ahead,
bold and confident,
Taking every step in
obedience

While I'm waiting,
I will serve you
While I'm waiting,
I will worship
While I'm waiting,
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

Not having a good day

I am not having a good day. It's one of those times I wish people would stop being harsh on me and just love me. Maybe sit with me and let me cry it out?

but...then I think maybe I am not worth loving.........

I know it's irrational but my head is swirling today.

Maybe I am not pregnant this month and my PMS is really bad. I've always been super sensitive.

Sigh.........

Shannon

'Beautiful For Me' by Nicole Nordeman

Thank you for sharing this song, Sarah Joy....
~Shannon


Beautiful For Me
Nicole Nordeman

Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess
But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me

If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what’s inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
Close your eyes
Look inside
Let me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you’re beautiful

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Yeah
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You’re so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me
Has anybody told you?

One day at a time

Sometimes it's such a struggle...to get through one day.

You hear people say one day at a time but honestly sometimes one minute at a time is too much.

Shannon

What I Don't Want To Be

It seems like so many time we ask ourselves who we are. We ask ourselves who we want to be. I feel like there is so much there that I am but I also feel that what hinders me is focusing on the things that I don't want to be. What don't I want to be? I'll tell you.

I don't want to be a number. Specifically, I don't want to be a size, a weight number, a number of inches. I don't even want to be a BMI or a percentile. I don't like numbers to describe people. I don't want to be a rating of hotness. I don't want to be a number

What else don't I want to be? I most definitely don't want to be fake. I want to be real. I don't want to be fake smiles and facades. Don't tell me to pretend to be happy or act happy when I am not. Instead, find me real and genuine happiness. No, don't find it for me. Help me to find lasting joy. Being fake is something I have struggled with.

I don't want to be ugly. I suppose you could also turn that around and say that I want to be beautiful. Gorgeous. Lovely. Pretty. I don't feel that I am any of those things. I just can't see it. When I look into the mirror I can't see who I am. And at the same time, if you think I am beautiful, I don't want to be just a pretty face. I want to be a person.

Sometimes I have to confess I don't even want to be me...but I am learning to accept that I am me and that it's okay to be me.

That's what I don't want to be. I guess you can see my fears. And...underneath it all, you can see what it is I do want to be.

~Shannon

Group

Last night I joined a group of other young women who share something in common: a struggle with an eating disorder. I was terrified before I went to the appointment. I was afraid they wouldn't like me or accept me but then by the time the group was over and I was walking out the door, I felt like I had come home. I felt understood and accepted. God was so good. I am already so grateful to J for inviting me to join this group.

It's amazing to me how God provides when you least expect it.

~Shannon