pregnancy update

I am almost eleven and a half weeks pregnant.

I have heard the heartbeat on the Doppler in the office.

We've seen the baby on ultrasound.

We've been purchasing little things here and there, as well as pulling out 'hand me downs' from our other babies.

I've had tinges of spotting but nothing abnormal and all has been confirmed to be well.

I am almost done with the first trimester.

My due date is October 18th.

We haven't really accepted that this one might work out yet. In time, we will. I think we are still a little shell shocked.

That's a heads up.

~Shannon

Rejoicing in this pregnancy and grieving Samantha

I have been avoiding writing and actually avoiding talking with people. J wants me to reach out and connect with people but I don't know if I want to do that. I am struggling. I am rejoicing and filled with joy and delight in my heart at this our fourth pregnancy, which is going well, and yet....I am filled with pain...and a great disappointment. Why?

Samantha's due date would be this Sunday, April 3rd. It's breaking my heart. I feel that the whole month of April will be difficult. I am wondering would I have come late or early on my own? Would Samantha have been induced? Would my labor have been long? What would have her cry sounded like? And most of all, what would it have been to look into her precious eyes and hold her in our arms? To pray and rejoice over her...

It's not fair.

But then again...life's not fair. We are the ones who messed it up with sin. I get that. I also know that Samantha is with Jesus and Noah and Dominic. I get that. But it doesn't make it hurt less...

Plus I'm probably very much more (is that correct grammar? no!) emotional because I am pregnant....

And it looks like Sprout might turn out to be our rainbow baby. Just maybe this is the Lord's plan and timing for us to bring a child home.

But I don't understand it. I'm not angry at God. I'm really not.

I'm just so sad and confused....

and not sure how to reach out and who gets it.

~Shannon

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family
Protection while we sleep
We pray for healing
Prosperity
We pray for your mighty hand
To ease our suffering
All the while
You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much
To give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near?
What if trials of this life
Are your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger
When we can not feel you near
We doubt your goodness
We doubt your love
As if every promise from your Word
is not enough
And all the while, you hear each desperate plea
If only we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near?
What if trials of this life
Are your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know
The pain reminds this heart
That this is not
This is not our home

It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near?
What if my greatest disappointments
or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst
this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights,
Are your mercies in disguise?


Thank you, Laura Story, for this beautiful song. For reminding us that this world will never satisfy.

Frustrated

Frustrated.....

That's what it feels that I've been with a lot of things lately.

Not my husband.

Not my cats.

lol.....

But other people and my job!




I HAVE DONE THESE MEDICAL CALCULATIONS FOR THESE PEOPLE 10 TIMES AND HAVE EVEN SAT DOWN WITH MY FATHER IN LAW TO WORK THROUGH THEM AND CONFIRMED MY DOSES. I'M TIRED OF BEING UNDERMINED WHEN I'VE ALREADY DONE THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

That's it.

I wish I could find a new job........

BUT my benefits are good here and I can keep them even part time....even if I go part time, I CAN KEEP them...THAT PRETTY much never happens anywhere else.

Sigh....

Shannon

9.5 weeks along

I am 9.5 weeks along.

I feel pretty crummy most of the time. However, I am happy to say that things seem to be going okay.

Feeling crummy=feeling pregnant=good news

But it's still a little depressing.........

SIGH......

Shannon

Exhaustion

Lately I have been exhausted.

Part of it was when I went to this youth leaders conference across the state last Friday-Saturday. It was my productive but personally, I am still not sure that was a good idea.

I have been wiped out since then.

And when I get wiped out, my Charcot Marie Tooth disease flares up. Leg cramps, nerve pain, muscular weakness, general exhaustion. My body already has to work harder than most but it can be managed. When I don't get enough rest or take good care of myself, I REALLY feel it.

I am only working a half day today so I can go home and rest before I have an appointment with J.

Add my exhaustion and crazy schedule + pregnancy and you get some mega not feeling wellness..........

What are you going to do? Life still calls.

I just feel that I haven't had the energy to do anything but work (which I hardly have the energy for but HAVE to do because a paycheck is necessary!).......and that gets depressing.

~Shannon

People that get under my skin

There are always going to be people who irritate me...........

Right now there is one person really doing that.....

GRRRRR.....

More lately.

Shannon

I have seen God's healing hand

Last night, I attended our church's worship band practice for the first time since before I lost our first baby. It has been almost seven months since I have participated in leading worship by singing in the band. When I lost Samantha, I knew I wouldn't be able to lead worship again for quite awhile. At one point, I even confessed to Chris that I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to sing again. It's not because my faith wasn't there. It was. I just felt wounded, weak, and vulnerable. Tears were close to my eyes at all times, especially during worship. Worship also became a very poignant time for me. Other than communion, I have never felt so connected to our babies and our Heavenly Father at the same time, as I do when I am worshipping. Worship takes me right before Jesus spiritually which is where our babies are physically. I can envision them worshipping, dancing with Jesus, and just adoring all that He is. I didn't know that I would ever be able to be part of the worship team again. I didn't know that God could bring the kind of healing that He brings. I didn't realize how powerful He was. I didn't know how capable He was. Then last night I was reminded of al of these things.

As I went to practice, I won't lie, I was a tiny bit nervous. It was a bit difficult for me because the last time I had practiced, I had been pregnant with Samantha. That made me sad, of course, because in a perfect world, where nothing was fallen, we would be due to give her birth around April 3rd. But now she's with Jesus. So it was a little hard for me to go but once I got there, I felt so at home. I realized how much I love to sing and leading worship and how much I love my fellow worship team members. They are truly some of my favorite people in the world.

As we went through singing, in the back of my mind, I thought how much my faith had grown. Yes, I believed all the words when I sang them months ago but I believe them even more now than I did then. Today, I know, from personal experience, that our God is a loving God. I know He keeps His promises. I know that He never gives us more than we can bear. I know He provides in ways that are unmeasurable. And most of all, I know that nothing can ever separate us from Him. I also know how good He is. Even when the world doubts and wonders how we can trust, in my heart, I know that He is good, He is only loving, and He is truly an awesome God.

As I drove home after practice, I recalled that conversation I had with Chris about possibly not singing again. All of a sudden, I was hit with the realization that God has been so good to me over the past few months. I have been through ups and downs in life but I can truly say that the past year has been the hardest year of my life. I have experienced a lot of pain and really struggled. But I am coming out on the other side. I'm not there yet. I'm not certain I'll ever be there. But what I do know is that no matter where I am in life, no matter what my circumstances are, nothing can come between me and God. He is a strong and mighty God and powerful enough to do anything He wants. His plans are unfathomable and incredible. His ways are best. The most incredible thing I've learned is how He cares so deeply. Even though I am just one person, just a little me in my mind, He cares about and loves me. He cares enough to bring me healing and to give me the strength to sing and praise Him again. Even the littlest things, He cares about. I can see how His healing hand reaches out daily and touches my life and I am so in awe of Him.

I know things I didn't know months ago...and I'm so glad that I do. Our God is an awesome God. I am grateful to have walked through the storm because now I know that my faith has been tested and developed and that in my heart and my mind, nothing can ever make me doubt our God. I now don't just believe...I know the truth about God and His Word. Nothing else compares.

Thank you, Lord, for all that you are, and have been, and will be. I love you.

~Shannon

A thread of hope is being woven

So here's the situation.

Yesterday was fairly terrifying. I started spotting, a pink discharge, that, of course, sent me into a panic. Ah! so I called the OBGYN office I am a patient at....and they sent me for the bloodwork. The reasoning being that if my hcg evels were high enough, they could then send me for an ultrasound.

My levels were plenty high and I went for the ultrasound this morning. I was so blessed that Chris was able to go with me. HAPPY NEWS! Sprout looks great....found heartbeat and everything looks normal and healthy! So now we have baby pictures.

Yesterday, I was fairly distraught. Now, today, I am feeling that a thread of hope woven in me once again...that maybe this baby will come home with us.

Shannon

A lot of rambling thoughts

So I realize it's been awhile since I've written but..here goes...

I have a lot of rambling thoughts.....Bear with me while I just simply find a way to express them.


Thought 1:

I am testy lately. I'm sure it's because I am pregnant but there's no way to know for sure. But...I HATE WHEN PEOPLE GIVE ME ADVICE OR TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN I'M NOT ASKING FOR IT.

I think the reason I hate that so much is because I'm the kind of person who will ask for advice. I will call and say is this normal? OR HOW DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD PROCEED?

SO IF I don't ask for your opinion, don't give it to me!!

OKAY?? GRRRR........Chris and I both had issues with a certain person lately whom we feel like has tried to be too controlling. We will be distancing ourselves a little, in order to preserve our identity and not be influenced in our decisions......SIGH !!!

Thought 2:

Another thing that is frustrating to me is the sexual situation within my extended family. I felt as FIRST that everyone was supportive and NOW I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE JUST WANTS to pretend it DIDN'T HAPPEN and we just HAVE TO ON like nothing EVER happened. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!!! Nothing!

I'm the one who got screwed over...I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! The other thing that frustrates me is that by telling someone sooner, I DOUBT IT would have made a difference. Seeing the reaction now has been frustrating for me...because it's just easier to not think about it because it makes us uncomfortable...doesn't it? SIGH!

Also, I STILL DON'T know what to do about future family gatherings. I DO feel better that I shared what happened...now knowng that our future children are safe BUT...the route that was taken to deal with it was one that did not treat me as an adult and gave me no control over the situation!!!

ANYHOW, that's still a sensitive topic. NEXT appointment with J, we'll discuss that.

Thought 3:

Also, I am FRUSTRATED that I feel like there are certain people in our lives who are aware of certain sitautions with other people and ARE IN DENIAL!!! That drives me insane. What drives me crazier is the fact that you might put someone else at risk...by being in denial. The issue isn't not knowing. No the ISSUE IS WANTING TO LIVE IN AN UNREALISTIC world where eveything GOES THE WAY you plan it!

GRRR....I REALIZE I HAVE no CONTROL over this situation but STILL..it gets under my skin....

Thought 4:

I am almost eight weeks pregnant! This is exciting, right? ALSO TERRIFYING! AND ALSO HEARTWRENCHING. I MISS THE OTHER BABIES. SOME PEOPLE JUST CAN'T GRASP THAT. I CAN'T BE AROUND THOSE PEOPLE MUCH.

Also, THIS IS OUR BABY. Ultimately, we believe THIS CHILD BELONGS TO GOD BUT God is loaning this baby TO US. NOT TO YOU! So DON'T TELL ME OR TELL US WHAT YOU think we should do about THIS OR THAT unless we ask. I DON'T TELL YOU WHAT I THINK ABOUT YOUR PARENTING EVEN THOUGH SOMETIMES I think it's terrible and so I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF. This ties back in with thought NUMBER 1.

Thought 5:

I HATE being yelled at. I CAN'T HANDLE BEING YELLED AT. And again, I'm sure part of this is that I'm pregnant and HYPERSENSITIVE. i WILLLLLL ADMIT THAT! but don't yell at me.......at all. It's rude and uncalled for. AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO TALK TO ME NICELY.

Thought 6:

Do YOU EVER NOT FEEL SORRY FOR SOMEONE whom you don't feel will help themself out? LIKE YOU TALK TO THEM...you give them resources...you offer help...they ask for your help, you give it and then they are like I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE. it is too hard!

WHAT??? THAT'S CRAP!

I know I PROBABLY SOUND TERRIBLY INSENSITIVE...I just get frustrated by people who keep making bad decisions and it's only a matter of time before they get the consequences....RIDICULOUS...because it's not like they have an excuse if they were offered help.

Thought 7:

I love this baby. I REALIZE that I would and will do anything for this child. I am starting to think like a mom. I am trying to think about what's best for our little Sprout.

Thought 8:

Getting on the scale IS NOT AN option! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!
The OBGYN PEEPS gave me a bit of a hard time again but.......they still agreed to treat me! They just are like 'it's important' and I'M LIKE I'M SURE IT IS! BUT you're going to have to adapt FOR A ONE PERSON SITUATION. i AM not asking yoU TO CHANGE YOUR ENTIRE protocol and way of doing things! JEEPERSSSS!

J says that there have been pregnancies that have happened w/o PEOPLE GETTING ON THE SCALE. HAHAHAAHA...and healthy babies are born!

I KNOW THAT I WILL BE A BETTER MOM AND TAKE BETTER CARE OF THIS BABY IF I DON'T get on the scale!

Thought 9:

So reaaaddddy for SPRING! It has been sunny here which is great but still has been chilly..I CAN'T WAIT!! My SAD is flaring up because even though it's sunny, I feel that it's too cold to be outside much!
After this first trimester too, I'M GOING TO WANT TO TAKE WALKS AND JUST ENJOY CREATION!!!

Thought 10:

WHY OH WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN? I KNOW WHY...so why do I ask why? A family member has been diagnosed with a cancer that is very rare...IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. She's a great Christian girl and I DON'T GET IT! SEEEEEMMMMSSSSS LIKE THERE'S SO MUCH PURPOSE for her life and IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE...

BUT we'll conclude on

Thought 11:

God is good.
He is love.
He knows best.
He keeps His promises.
He is faithful.
He is trustworthy.
He is better than we are.
His ways are not our ways.
And
God is good.

~Shannon