Life leaves scars...

Life leaves scars.
It doesn't mean healing doesn't take place.
It does.
It simply means that we'll never be the same.
Never the same as we were before that wound was inflicted.
It simply means that there will always be a tender spot.
A reminder of what happened.

I feel so blessed some days. I am almost fourteen and a half weeks pregnant with baby Sprout. Our little one has a gloriously healthy heartbeat and my body seems to be pregnant still. We are out of the first trimester.

And yet, somedays, my aches from my scars flare up. Like when the people around me are having babies that we should have shared a birth month with and I know that my first child, Samantha, would have been due this month. Mother's Day is next month. That's going to be hard too. Also, our little sisters are going to be/have gotten confirmed in their home church. When I envisioned all that happening, I planned on Samantha Peep being in the picture. She's not. Our arms are still empty and anxiously we wait and plan, not knowing whether or not this child will come home with us.

I sometimes feel that I can't focus on this baby. I am afraid to get too attached. When I start to get attached, I start to cry and I start to feel panicked, like someone is going to take this baby away. I am helpless to stop anything from happening, I am helpless to protect my child, and I am terrified that it's going to happen again.

I also struggle with body image. My body hasn't gone through major changes yet, but it is changing. It's weird. I can, technically, still wear my regular clothes. However, they are not comfortable. My hips are shifting and my uterus is rising up and starting to fill out...I've not baby bumped yet but my body is changing. I try to remember that my body is changing to accomodate and grow a baby. That my body is essentially my baby's body right now too! At least, it is my baby's home right now...so he/she is going to have an impact. But sometimes, I put something on and I panic because it doesn't feel or look exactly the same as it once did.

Faith is also a struggle. I know that I believe in creator God, Savior Jesus Christ, and ever-present Holy Spirit. However, different doctrinal things have been on my heart. I have really been struggling with that. It's something I need to explore with Scripture and pastoral guidance.

I am also really struggling emotionally. I think part of it what I wrote about earlier. The loss of Samantha, Dominic, and of Noah.........I know that this is simply the way things are and I can't not be grateful that Sprout is in me. I need to find acceptance. I don't have to find understanding. Sometimes our human minds can not comprehend the will of God. He doesn't ask that we understand. We are simply to accept and have faith. I struggle with that. Not so much maybe acceptance but still that sadness that comes with living in a sinful world. I also struggle with knowing that I almost got rid of Samantha. It's so interesting how in one moment I felt so strongly one way and then in so many others, I would give ANYTHING for her to be present.

Emotionally, I have been really depressed. J and Chris want me to possibly go onto a medication but I am nervous because I am pregnant. However, leaving me unmedicated might be bad too. It's a difficult decision to make and one that won't be reached without lots of questioning and prayer. I have also been battling self-destructive thoughts and patterns. My best friends and sister have been available though...and that is a blessing.

I am also blessed to be in a support group with a bunch of other women who get the eating disorder component of life. They do, they get it. It is a blessing to spend time with them and be reassured that I am not alone and misunderstood and also to have guidance in those difficult days. They have offered a tremendous amount of the support recently and I feel blessed because of that.

One other area I am struggling with is the fear of being a new mom. I am afraid of a lot of things! I also am uncertain and feel that I will be awkward in many of the areas of parenting. Now, what I don't want from people is advice...I simply want people to make themselves available so that I have support when I have questions or concerns.

I also worry that our timing to have children was wrong. We've had to do some discussing of jobs, childcare, education, and a variety of things, and trying to juggle and shift things stresses me. I don't deal with change or transition well and so I think I am a little nervous at how big of a change having a baby will be. However, I do believe children are a blessing and that therefore, we are/will be blessed and taken care of. It's just hard. Depression and severe anxiety makes everything worse.

That's what is going on. That's a fairly raw and real expression of how I've been feeling lately and what's been going through my mind.

~Shannon