19 weeks, 1 day

I am nineteen weeks along. Next week is our big ultrasound. Anticipating everything going well with this but still nervous of course.

Our house is starting to get more and more cozy and the way we want it to be. They say it takes a year to get settled. It's been just over a year ish...and we are finally getting things set up the way that we want to. We rearranged the living room last night, discussing where we want to get/keep an arts and crafts chest and where we'll set up the play pen. We have a beautiful solid oak board that will be turned into a shelf in our kitchen. We can put some extra appliances on the shelf and then we will be able to have more counter space.

Sprout's room is painted and ready as things come into it. We just need to clean out the closet, but we'll save that for another day--it's not too big of a closet...and it'll be easier if we actually have a plan/place to move those things.

We are going to find out the sex next week if we can...and then I will be making little boy/girl specific things, etc. and be able to really imagine this baby in October.

Things are coming together in our house! Which is great. They are also coming together outside....landscaping, plants, etc. Slowly but surely.....which is amazing. Most credit goes to Chris, who is in school full time and working full time, and yet manages our home and our marriage with such care. I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man! He takes such good care of me and provides financially and emotionally. I am so glad I have that security. Over the past five months, our marriage has really blossomed and has flourished and I think that the miscarriages actually made us stronger.

Anyway, that's a lot of rambling....out of my pregnant brain...

But things are good. And I have quite a few quiet days at work so that's awesome too. Things were hectic for awhile so I wasn't sure what to expect...but they settled!

That's it....

~Shannon

almost 19 weeks

I am almost 19 weeks pregnant.

It's surreal.

~Shannon

18 weeks pregnant

Why does 18 sound like more than 17?

I guess it is...

But wow.

Today I'm 18 weeks pregnant.

Thank you, Lord.

~Shannon

Every milestone

I just have to say...

Because this is my place to share things...

Every milestone with this baby makes me miss Samantha, Dominic, and Noah a whole lot.

A whole lot.

Because I missed out on all of theirs.

And no, it doesn't make me feel better that I wouldn't have Sprout if it wasn't for their losses. I could never choose between two of my children and putting them in the fate of time box doesn't make me feel better. My heart, regardless of reality, wants all four of our children in our home now...but that's not how life is.

Anyhow, I feel a little better now that I shared this. It's good to be real here.

~Shannon

~Shannon

Little blessings

The baby room is painted. Soon to become a true nursery...as furniture and things fill it up!

Chris and I have a good plan for child care figured out between the two of us. We really didn't want to have to use outside childcare, not even family or friends too often....We really wanted to, as parents, provide this baby care ourselves, as much as possible. He will be doing nursing school part time and I will be working part-time. This will be a good transition for both of us, I think, allowing all three of us to have time as a family...as well as allowing our child sufficient parental attention.

We have our registry done. Wow.

Our twenty week ultrasound is set up.

We have started talking about baptism, godparents, names, etc.

We are moving in the right direction of baby-hood. This is a blessing!

~Shannon

18 weeks pregnant

Tomorrow I will be eighteen weeks pregnant.

That's thrilling.

And yet, I'm still terrified something is wrong.

Why? Nothing has been wrong. I'm still afraid that something is wrong....

I'm hoping all is well...

I'm so grateful for my husband, my sister B, and my best friends...because with them....JUST knowing that they care and they seem to 'get it' better than the average person helps me.......I love them. So much.

But every day is a day closer.
~Shannon

In sixth months it might all be different

In six months, it might all be different.

I'm scared to believe that.

But I'm hoping it's true.

I had a dentist appointment today. When I was done with my cleaning, I went to schedule my next appointment in six months. Which was the beginning of November. I was amazed to think that at the time I would be getting the next cleaning, I could have a tiny baby! A baby! A baby! It kind of excited me...

So it made me realize that we are slowly trekking through this pregnancy and every day is a day closer to holding little Sprout.

~Shannon

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was hard. I didn't comment on it before. I kind of just let it sneak up on me. Yesterday, I cried on and off....I called my best friend, B, and shared a little of how I was feeling and then when Chris came home from work...I cried on his shoulder. He reassured me that it was okay to cry and be sad every once in awhile. I didn't let it consume me so that's good. I'm learning to take care of myself. For example, yesterday, I knew it was going to be hard so I didn't make plans. Yes, sometimes plans are good. But I took the time to paint both my fingernails and toenails a lovely shade of summery pink. I laid out on our deck and read a novel. I enjoyed eating fresh fruit and bought a maternity shirt at the mall. I had a couple of nice phone calls, snuggled with my cats, and reflected on God's goodness. It was a day filled with little blessings and God's grace was sufficient to get me through.

Saturday night, Chris and I had gone to church...since he had to work on Sunday. As I skimmed through our bulletin at the beginning of the service, I was a little emotional. There was a Mother's Day prayer that all moms were supposed to speak. I felt overwhelmed. Was I a mom? I know in my heart I am...but I didn't want to overstep my bounds and weird out the people around me. If Samantha had been born, she'd already be here....but she's not. Dominic and Noah are in heaven. And Sprout's still inside of me. Talk about confusion. Chris, oh dear sweet husband he is, said to me that yes, I was a mom, and yes, I should say the prayer. No ifs, ands, or buts. Okay, but I still felt funny. Then our pastor, during the offering, came over to me and asked if I would start the Mother's Day prayer. I cried and then said yes. Then he announced that I would be leading, as the newest mom amongst them, and that the other mom should join in with me. They did and that was really special for me. Chris and I both loved our pastor dearly in that moment! He took a hurting situation and turned it into a healing one!

Anyhow, that's how the day went......I can't say my heart didn't hurt....because it did. But like Chris said...given our experiences...that's normal.

~Shannon

17 weeks pregnant tomorrow

Tomorrow I will be 17 weeks pregnant. We're excited because LAST weekend, I started to feel wiggles and flutters. That was so cool. I don't feel it all the time but it's there. Our baby Sprout is wiggling.

I can't help but wonder though...how different the pregnancy process would be if I had never miscarried. Then I realize too...in our situation, we wouldn't have Sprout inside of me....if we had never lost Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. The beauty of it is that we don't have to analyze and choose what our reality should be. We just have to accept what it is. And we do love this baby a lot too.

We're getting ready for the ultrasound in between 18-20 weeks so that'll be coming up. I'm nervous about that because you never know what can be wrong. But we are praying and trusting God. He has never left our side before so whatever, healthy or even if something is noted on the ultrasound, we still know that He will    be our God and He holds the universe in His hands.

That's reassuring.
~Shannon