Confession

Here's a confession I haven't shared with everyone yet.

I felt truly ugly on my wedding day and in the pictures I saw afterwards...to this day, it's still a stressful subject for me.

Sometimes I like that picture and sometimes I hate it. My mind feels so confused.

~Shannon

Feeling lifeless and purposeless

I was doing okay. Then about ten minutes ago I felt myself starting to slide into a funk. When I was with family and friends over this whole break, I felt loved and like maybe my life had an impact on someone else's life....but now I am back at work and I feel purposeless. Which leads to me feeling lifeless. Like I have no energy, joy, or vitality.

I feel like maybe I shouldn't have said anything about the 'incident'....I don't think I fully understood the impact it would have and maybe I should have waited until I was better prepared. I wasn't ready for my parents to call and say that they talked to 'him' but it is what it is. I am not writing this because I'm mad at anyone or anything...it's merely circumstantial frustration. Well, I might be angry at him because he did this to me which did this to us. Also, I am frustrated because another family member seems to be pushing me away. I don't know if they think I made this up or what. I did not make this up. I merely finally told because I got the courage to open my mouth and say something. J thinks it was because I was pregnant and had been thinking about keeping our children safe.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED AND FEELING OUT OF CONTROL RIGHT NOW AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO DO SOMETHING BAD.

But I will sit, breathe, close my eyes, and whisper a prayer, and hope for that peace that surpasses all understanding.

Please just love me right now. That is what I need most of all. I am feeling alone.

~Shannon

Dear God

Dear God,

Could you please bless me with a baby? I would really try to be a good mom. I promise to teach the baby about you. If it's your will, please give us a child. If not, give us peace and patience.

Love, Shannon



I am so hoping that this year is the year we get babies. Mom V. (my mother in law) made a very good point about how God might be getting us ready to be parents....I hope that's true. Sigh..I am NOT good at waiting. Oh well........

~Shannon

I love my mom

Why do I love my mom?
There's a lot of reasons...but one big one is because her and my dad were brave enough to confront the person in my extended family whom the incident occurred with.

That's so tough and I can't imagine how hard it was...but they did it.

I do love my mom.....and I felt she should know it!

~Shannon

highs and lows

When I was a camp counselor we used to have to share our high and lows at the end of each day. Since I am just getting back to work and feeling fairly reflective about the past two weeks, I thought I'd share my top twenty highs and top ten lows. So I guess it's good that I have more highs than lows!

We'll start with highs:

1. Chris getting off early on Christmas Eve and then being called off Christmas Day! He was able to celebrate it after all!

2. Mega epic family bonding time with the in-laws! I especially love Mom, H, and K. You guys were such a blessing.

3. New boots, mascara, and socks! Those were only a few of my awesome gifts.

4. M&Monary INSTEAD of pictionary.....where you eat your mistakes. Thanks T.V.

5. Spending time with our god-daughter. LOVE THAT LITTLE GIRL! Octopus....!

6. Having a little hope that I may be pregnant again...we'll wait a couple days and see.

7. 97 cent shirt at JC PENNEY!

8. Half off LIP SMACKERS Christmas clearance. Addicted to lip balm seriously....

9. Cheese curd. Soooo good.

10. NARNIA! The third movie is so my favorite....

11. Not having to go to work...he he....

12. Becca and John....best friends are great.

13. Meeting Elizabeth---cousin in Chris's family!

14. Reaching 5 month anniversary of not having given into bulimia....

15. Dudley---a very small dog---liking Cassie---a bigger dog---but Cassie being afraid of Dudley! lol!

16. Annabelle liking Cassie

17. Having parent in laws help us with tons of things around the house! So ready now for 2011.

18. 7 layer mexican dip and beef and cream cheese roll ups...wouldn't be New Year's Eve without them.

19. Finally sleeping again

20. Waking up multiple mornings and being so glad I had been kept from giving into the temptation of the eating disorder.....


Now for my ten lows:

1. My parents calling and telling me they'd talked to the family member about the incident and I wasn't thrilled with that person's response.

2. Freaking out over calories in cottage cheese

3. Freaking out over calories in ginger ale

4. GPS adventures coming back from New York

5. Crying through the whole Christmas Eve service

6. Losing my eyeliner (BUT LATER DID FIND IT!!!)

7. Spending 7 dollars for a toothbrush....

8. Being clawed by Izzi because she's afraid of dogs

9. Losing my voice mostly!

10. Heather having to sleep on an air mattress in the bedroom door to keep me from accessing the bathroom


All in all, it was a good time and we plowed through the rough.

~Shannon

This Christmas season

So I haven't posted for almost two weeks now! So sorry....but it's been good. I have been really taking a break from and focusing on some healing and enjoying life. I have had a lot of nurturing and growing going on and this break has been full of ups and downs but it's been mostly good. God has truly blessed me through our families. While we did not get to see my family this Christmas, we will see them soon, and I am blessed by how much they love me. Chris's family---my family now too---has been so fantastic this Christmas. It was a rough year and I had some rough patches throughout Christmastime with everything going on....from the incident to the eating disorder and they were very loving and supportive. I love them to pieces. I wouldn't trade our families. They are great. I definitely feel blessed in knowing that Samantha and Dominic and my struggles have brought us all closer together............

More to come...........

Blessings all...

Shannon

Merry Christmas

If I am not on here before Christmas, I wanted to at least say MERRY CHRISTMAS! Can y'all hear that wherever you are? I hope so!

Jesus is come...in the midst of the darkness, there is light...and in the midst of my struggles, He is there. I am growing tremendously and trusting God as this year heads into the next.

Have a blessed Christmas,
Shannon

Not sure how to to feel

Feel lost about Dominic..............

I feel like with Samantha everyone was available and did things to comfort us....and did things in memory of Samantha...but because Dominic is second...I feel like he's lost and forgotten.....but........he would have been our miracle baby.....I am sad that he is not here.

Samantha's easy to remember......but Dominic, I have nothing......no clothes, pictures, cards, or anything to remind me of him..........

It makes me sad.

Shannon

Vaginismus struggles

Along with the eating disorder, the molestation, the self-injury, and the miscarriages, there has been one very real struggle in our marriage. It's likely a result of my insecurities with my body as well sexual insecurities due to 'the incident'. It's called vaginismus. If you are uncertain what vaginismus is, let me put into simple terms. Pain during intercourse. Of course there are much more complex definitions of vaginismus but this is to give you a general idea. Chris and I were still virgins--yes, both of us--on our honeymoon night. In our dating relationship we had pushed our boundaries and struggled a little but never had sex. One of us had also had a personal sexual struggle that made our expectations of sex unrealistic. We crossed a couple of our boundary lines while dating but did not get anywhere near anal, oral, or vaginal intercourse. When we got to our wedding day, we were thrilled that we finally would be able to become one! But our wedding night was not all that it was cracked up to be.

After Chris and I left our reception (which had been fun!) we headed to the hotel he had surprised me with. I didn't know where we were going but it was beautiful Hyatt Place. We checked in, him in his tux, me in my gown, and people congratulated us as we headed up to our room. There we read each other some special words we had each written for each other, had some other fun, relived the day, and then it was time. When we went to have sex though, I was trying hard not to be nervous, and hoping that there would be no pain. Unfortunately, the pain was so bad that he couldn't even penetrate at first and I was so tense inside that it hurt severely. Eventually we had to stop. I spent a bit of time sobbing on the night of our wedding because I felt defective, scared, and confused. I wasn't surprised...I knew this was a possibility due to the incident and a few other friends having had struggles but I had hoped I wouldn't go through it. I prayed that just once, God would let me off the hook and I wouldn't have to struggle. It didn't happen that way. Not once on our honeymoon were we able to have real, true sex. It wasn't until we got home that I was finally able to bear it long enough for Chris. He, by the way, was wonderful about the whole thing, reassuring me, loving me, and just gently encouraging me. He was slow and open to communication while we were trying and never pushed. He took cues from me which was wonderful. That, I must say, was a significant blessing.

For the first year of our marriage, sex was difficult. It was not enjoyable to me but at the same time it was. I loved the idea of two becoming one and I knew that God intended for this to be good but that the sinful world I was in had twisted it. Shortly after our honeymoon, I began praying and thinking 'This is good. God made this specially just for us, a husband and a wife.' The more I thought about that and prayed, the less tension I had. However, it's been two and a half years since we got married and there is still pain at times. It has become more enjoyable although I have never been able to climax with him in me. This is a struggle for me but I am trusting that God is growing me and working through this. Since sharing this, I have talked with other women and it encourages me a lot to know that I am not alone. We continue to trust God with this and believe that as more and more time passes, we will grow stronger and closer together.

One thing, though, that I do struggle with from the miscarriages that ties back to the vaginismus is that struggle of feeling defective. Because sex was a struggle and then the miscarriages happened, I feel defective. See, I was a virgin. We both were. I have never had an STD, abnormal PAP smear, or anything wrong down there. If I had I'd almost feel like I could blame the painful sex or miscarriages on a mistake or something bad happening. But instead I feel like it's my fault, there's something wrong with me. Now, when I am sorting through these feelings, I realize they are irrational and illogical, but at the time they can be very defeating.

Anyhow, I must say though that God is good. I have learned that His grace is sufficient through this struggle and have been so blessed to see how He has grown us and made us closer to one another through the difficult time. My hope in sharing this is that maybe you won't feel so alone or someday someone in your life will be going through this and you'll understand a little better what they feel like.

~Shannon

Could it be? By Shannon Schroeder

Could it be
That I don't see myself
The way that others do
Could it be
That I see distortion
Misperceptions of truth
Could it be that
I don't really see
Or recognize I'm lovely
Could it be that
That I am beautiful
Just because I'm me?

It could be
and it is true
I have to choose
to trust in you
You tell me I'm
precious and I'm yours
In you, I feel
loved and adored

How I Feel Loved

A fellow blogger and dear friend from college, Rachel, recently blogged about Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages. I wanted to share how Chris and I used the Five Love Languages to enhance our marriage early on because he was doing things because he loved me but he wasn't speaking my love language.

The five love languages (as explained by Gary Chapman):

1. Physical Touch
2. Words of Affirmation (compliments, nice notes, etc.)
3. Quality Time (spending meaningful time together)
4. Acts of Service (doing something for a person, like cleaning for them or washing their car)
5. Gift Giving

When Chris and I first got married, we struggled with loving each other the way we wanted to be loved. I would hug and kiss Chris and give him lots of compliments while he would shower me with gifts and do lots for me. To me, it seemed that Chris's actions were heartless and non-meaningful. To Chris, it seemed like I was just doing something that came naturally to me (which it did) but wasn't meeting his needs. That's because my top language is physical touch, followed by words of affirmation and quality time, while his two top languages are acts of service and gift giving. Once we identified that was one of our issues, our relationship changed significantly. He began hugging, cuddling, and holding me willingly because he knew I needed that. In turn, I made sure to surprise him by doing things like cleaning the house without him or taking care of things he said he would do or sometimes picking up a small present. Our relationship changed signficantly for the better. It was really neat.

Anyhow, I just wanted to share that how I feel loved is physical touch. I am a hugger and a cuddler. When I'm sad, the best thing you can do for me is put your arm around me and just be with me--that's a quality time thing. When I am happy, grab my hands and jump up and down for joy. Then squeeze me tight and say yay with me! It's funny but the more I realize about myself, the more intrigued I am by myself and others. God made us all so different and with such unique needs and desires.

What's your love language? Your spouse or significant other's? Your best friend's?
Think about it....It may help you to identify yours and theirs and you may find that your relationship is better because of it.

~Shannon

I finally told them....

Well, now I am just waiting for the bloodwork to come back. I am still exhausted. Friday night we had a Christmas party with a few friends--it was a really good time. Saturday, I got blood taken, ran a few errands, and then my parents and my youngest sister and Chris's parents, sisters, and youngest brother---and sis's fiance- came over for a family Christmas dinner. It was a lot of fun. But I was so dizzy that it was a wee bit frustrating for me. There was also some emotional stress going on. Here's what happened this past weekend and a bit more of my past.....

I had decided to share something that happened to me a long time ago with my mom and my dad. I told my sister B last week. She handled it well. I was nervous about how my parents will respond but they did perfectly. I don't want to get overly specific about what happened but I will share this. An adult person in my extended family inappropriately touched me the evening of a holiday celebration when I was in my early teens. This was highly traumatic to me and I attempted to repress this sexual trauma the rest of my teenage years. However, when I got to college, I knew I needed to deal with it and found a safe place to release my feelings and talk about what had happened.

Saturday night when Chris and I sat down with my mom and dad, I was nervous but ready. I prefaced the conversation by sharing with them that what I was sharing with them was not of vengeance or anger but more out of concern for my sister, other family members, and if God should bless us with more children, for their sake. My parents handled it absolutely perfectly. I cried as I finished telling them but I was okay too...I felt secure and safe. Chris later on told me how proud he was of me---something that really made me feel good and made me feel so safe with him. My mom and dad were both empathic. I did not push them to process or ask what they decided to do with the information. That's up to them. I simply needed to share with them to get this secret out of head and to reassure myself that other children would be watched and not put in the same situation.

So that's that...
I definitely feel stronger than I did......I had no clue I could do it!

Praise God who has given me strength to do things that I never could have done on my own and who has sent His Holy Spirit to counsel and comfort me as He did on Saturday night. I felt God just wrapping His arms around me and telling me that He loved me and was with me and I was His child, and safe and secure! Glory to God, the Awesome Father, the Son who saves the world, and the Holy Spirit who is with us always.....Our God truly is awesome.

~Shannon

What's been going on....

So I haven't written a real post since Monday. Why, you may ask?? I've been really sick this week. I was actually not completely honest with my husband or anyone else about how sick I felt and how scared I was--thinking that something was wrong. Tuesday night, I was really achy. Every time I moved anything from head to toe, like wrist or toe, knee or back, my whole body seared with pain. Then Wednesday there was no way I had the energy to drag myself out of bed. I did go to church for just a little bit that evening but that was all and I felt so weak when to bed. Thursday morning, I dragged myself out of bed and told myself I was going to work. I hit the wall because my balance was so bad and then I collapsed onto the floor. My leg had gone out underneath me so that was quite frustrating. I had to take a bath because there's no way I could have taken a shower. Now, at that point, I should have stayed home. I looked ghostly pale after all and still felt awful. But stubborn me, I had Chris drop me off at work. Twenty minutes later, he was coming back to get me. My co-workers told me I looked and sounded terrible like I was weak, exhausted, and about to collapse. I felt that way so I took their advice and went back home. I rested and read most of the day. I went to my appointment with J because I needed mega epic emotional support. And I actually think that some of my symptoms were psychosomatic (emotions and feelings manifested physically) or that my emotional stress was adding to my physical symptoms because I was whelmed over. Got that phrase from J. Not that overwhelmed, but whelmed over.....I made a doctor's appointment yesterday for Dr. F. today. This morning I went in and we talked about everything that was going on and she told me that she wanted to run some bloodwork and check my blood counts. She also looked at my blood pressure and commented on how low it was. 90/60...which is quite low for me and might explain the dizziness. It's probably partially from the significant blood loss I had last week. So that's been my scoop?

If you are wondering how I am doing...ehh, okay. Last night I was pretty depressed through part of my appoIntment with J but we did some good processing. I am going to be honest, I am really struggling with the eating disorder. I don't know to fight it and the temptation has been really bad these past days. J told me to share that with Dr. F so I did. She's told me not to take laxatives or do anything because my blood pressure's already so low and my electrolytes are out of balance. I haven't eaten anything in over 24 hours now. And while I have no appetite, I also have no interest in making myself eat either which isn't great. Dr. F told me to drink like a hot chocolate or something substantial with milk anything so I did do that. It's strange though, then here at work, I want to now throw it up. But I do not really want to. It's strange to have both of these thoughts battling in my head. It's so hard. And I don't know how to talk about it. I am open to talking about but it's hard for me to bring it up. But I am least writing about it here.

I'm missing my babies a lot. It is hard for me to think of the fact that if I was pregnant I would be excited about buying baby gifts for when they were arriving and thinking of next year and how next Christmas we would have a baby in our arms. However, I suppose God can still work that miracle out and maybe we will be pregnant and go full term and bring a baby home with us before next Christmas. I hope and pray for that to be the case.

And the eating disorder thing....is that when I became pregnant with Samantha, I stopped all things bulimic or disordered about my meeting. That was just under 5 months ago. When I lost Samantha, I used future babies for motivation. Then Dominic came, and I know that he was our second gift from God. And we loved the little Munchkin that we knew existed in my body. After losing him, it is now difficult for me to resist the eating disorder, the purging, etc. It's not logical but I feel as though I'll never have children anyhow and I would rather be a size 0 without children than my size without children....J tried to remind me that these two miscarriages don't necessarily mean I won't have children. Sliding back into the eating disorder wouldn't be good for me or the future children God may choose to bless us with. I know that logically but still it's so hard to have the rational and the irrational fighting with each other....I don't know if I can be strong enough.

Sorry if that's too heavy but this my place to be real. And yes, I don't mind talking about the eating disorder with most people. Some people (those that would criticize my body!) would not be helpful!

That's my life. Don't get me wrong, I am still focusing on that fact that Christ is come and will come again...that brings me peace it does. But I am still here and life can be so hard but it reminds me how thankful, eternally grateful, I am for Jesus coming to save us. He is so good.

~Shannon

Christmas in Heaven

Samantha and Dominic are in heaven. The only Christmas scene they will ever know is in the face of Jesus. I can only imagine what heaven is like and I can't wait to be there. Yet I want to be here and I want to have children and still make a mark on the world.

Lord, give me your strength.

If you have ever lost someone you loved, this song will truly bless your heart. It is beautiful.

~Shannon

Comforted

I am amazed by how blessed I am. God has used my loss of Samantha to get me through this loss of Dominic. I am amazed by how good and amazing He is. By giving me Dominic, he allowed me to gain the strength to put Samantha's belongings away. He allowed me to feel comforted in knowing that Samantha and Dominic are in heaven together. He used my loss of Samantha as a blessing for my loss of Dominic. I know we will get through even though our hearts are hurting quite badly.

~Shannon

Dear Samantha and Dominic,

Dear Samantha and Dominic,

I just wanted to send you a letter to tell you that I love you so much. Daddy and I really miss you a lot. We wonder what it would have been like to have you grow inside of us and kick around....and then to hold you and kiss you and to love you and most of all, to tell you about Jesus. But you got the best deal, even though it's hard for us, because we don't even have to tell you about Jesus. You know Him even better than we do.
We can't wait to be there with you but we are trusting God.

Love,
Mommy

The most important baby of all

I am struggling but there's one thought that I am trying to keep my mind focused on in my most difficult emotional moments. That thought is that the most important baby of all came at Christmas time to save all of mankind from this painful, sinful, despairing world we live in.  That most important baby is Jesus and He is our Son of God and for that I can never be more thankful. I am so indebted to my Heavenly Father. What a good God He is.

My baby Samantha and my other little one who now lives with Jesus were important. They are important. But they are not the most important. Nor am I most important. Nor my desires or pleasures. My wants or even my needs. What and who is most important is Jesus.

~Shannon

ticked off

So I don't want to even admit this but today I am angry and jealous....

Good thing I know that my God is big enough to take this.....

I feel very alone today.


~Shannon

Until

Until you've had a miscarriage or lost a child yourself, you can never fully understand how badly the loss of your baby hurts. I had absolutely no idea that having a miscarriage was something so difficult to get through....

Don't get me wrong, each day gets a little easier, but it's still so hard. I have had my struggles in life. Oh, I have had plenty of downs but never anything like this. Chris agreed with me when I said this was the most difficult thing I had ever been through or that 'we' had been through. Total agreement there.

It hurts...there's no getting around it.

But God never wastes a hurt, right? I truly do believe that.

Waiting on you, Lord...

~Shannon

When a baby cries

When a baby cries....my heart stops. And I'm wishing it were mine. My Samantha. But she's in the arms of Jesus and not still inside of me. And I still feel cheated, wishing with all my heart that I could have the blessing of joyful ultrasounds and her tender kicks and being able to sing to her. It's really a struggle. I am trying so hard...........

My therapist J says that the baby crying aggravating me is normal...but it's still hard.

Today I feel like I am sliding back into the dark But I don't feel so dismal as I did at one point in time. At least this time, I believe and know that there is light on the other side of this dark tunnel.....

~Shannon