33 weeks

33 weeks.

I am tired of being sick.

Today I threw up again unexpectedly. I have been averaging few hours of a sleep.

And then add to that a cold...yep a summertime cold. My throat hurts, my head hurts...and I can't breathe.

My body is tired.

Oh well.........

But then the baby kicks me and I remind myself that this will all be worth it...I love baby...we've had some good bonding in the past couple of days!

But by the time I am done here, I will have been pregnant for most of 16 months....with four different children. Talk about emotionally and physically draining, especially when three of those were losses resulting in physical shifts and mega emotional draining.....and all of them, with the current one being the longest, were marked with more than the average amount of nausea/vomiting, heartburn, and discomforts.

7 weeks to go.

Thank goodness I have the best husband in the world. He can read me when I feel guilty about not having energy to make dinner...and he becomes enthusiastic about taking care of me. I think we are both so relieved that this baby is doing well that it makes it possible to get through the discomforts!

And...our Preparing For Labor and Delivery course has started. We have three sessions left---had the first one this week.  And it was wonderful! Who knew how intimate an experience it would be to go through childbirth together? Probably those who have done it...I didn't realize how intensely we would go through this together and I realize now that childbirth will tie us together even more...as well as parenting!! Wow....The things I learn.

Stressed emotionally....having some stress as we anticipate the one year loss of Samantha. It's hard because everything is coming back to me...and I keep having flashbacks of the ultrasound, the D&C, being at the hospital. They say that with anniversaries of losses, the time before it, leading up to the day of and the day of are often the hardest...so I know that this is typical. But it's still hard. She's be almost five months old. Five months. How much I have missed out on...and how much more I will miss.

And yet, we wouldn't have this baby...Our rainbow baby. We prayed God would give us a child we wouldn't have had otherwise....and it looks that He will. How can we question His will? He is so good.

But still the feelings are there...they are confusing.

~Shannon

Haven't written much

I haven't written much lately. I have used a lot of different outlets lately for communicating and was blessed to spend last weekend with family and especially friends I hadn't seen  in awhile. My best friends were so good about listening and we had heart to hearts...and my sister and mom have been available to chat regularly..and Chris and I got to talk for a nice long time on the car ride to my family's and back....So....blogging has not been a need lately! I will have some upcoming coffee dates...and I'm certain those will bless me too....just to share one on one!

But almost 33 weeks pregnant and getting kicked hard...and that is good! But bittersweet...but good!

~Shannon

30.5

30.5 weeks along.

I haven't really been feeling like writing in the blog lately. I have been more chatting with close friends about how I'm feeling, what's going on, etc. But....I figured I should write something.

30.5 weeks. More than 3/4s.......

That's awesome. But MIXED feelings.

~Shannon

Expectations

Perhaps we, as humans, set our expectations too high.

Sometimes I expect things to go so easily...that when they get complex, I question why.

Why?

Well....

Quite honestly, why not?

I am in a position right now where there are some things to be worked out and some info Chris and I are waiting for.....and I know that if it doesn't go smoothly, I will question why!? But really, Shannon, why not? Life can go either way and God need not explain.

Patience is a virtue!

~Shannon

True spiritual growth

This past year I have experienced some true spiritual growth.

How do I know this?

Because even though it's often a process....I am now able to say with confidence and faith "not my will but Yours be done."

I wish I hadn't had to learn it the hard way. But oh, what peace it has given me!

~Shannon

Prayer

Dear Lord,

I believe Phillipians 4:13. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Even things I don't WANT to do. I know this is true. Maybe.....if you wanted to.....you could stop stretching me and growing me for a little bit? But if you don't want to, that's okay too. I am your child, I am your servant, and I love what you do for me. I know you are with me always....even when I feel alone. I love you, Lord. I love that you love me...and I am content to live my life according to your will. But I do feel overwhelmed sometimes. But Lord, I trust you....I know your promises are always kept and that you will never leave me or let me down. For that I am so grateful. I am so blessed.

Love,
Shannon

I think this baby is going to come home

I woke up in the middle of the night and cried last night. Quietly...so I wouldn't wake Chris up. I cried tears of joy and still tears of grief. I woke up to baby moving and in my head....I thought 'I think this baby is going to come home.' And it scared me and filled me with joy and then hurt so badly because I missed Samantha, Dominic, and Noah terribly. Talk about mixed feelings.

I'm thrilled to be almost 29 weeks pregnant. Truly I am. I am so grateful that God answered my prayer for a rainbow baby. An especially bright rainbow baby, after not one, not two, but three losses. I asked if I could be pregnant with a baby we could keep by the time Samantha's due date rolled around...and when April 3rd came around, I had been pregnant with this child for weeks already. Talk about how blessed I am! And how blessed I am to know that when I get to heaven, that my other children will be there....Chris and I talk about that and more recently, my dear best friend J, and I talk about it a lot too. I am so grateful for all of that. But...

It still hurts. My arms still feel empty. My best friends R and S have little babies and I can't help but wonder what Samantha would be like. Dominic would be due in August---I'd be so close. Noah in September. And I am missing those milestones and can't hold those children. It's totally mixed feelings, totally mega mixed feelings.

So I cried last night......tears of joy and tears of grief. I am so blessed but blessings can never erase scars they can only soothe them as best they can. And I am grateful that God has offered some healing balm in this child that kicks and lives strongly inside of me.

I think this baby is going to come home in October. I shouldn't doubt God because He told me months ago that he/she would...but I have such little faith sometimes.

And even though this baby will come home....he/she can never replace my other three. I love them all equally and dearly.

But I do look forward to holding this child in my arms. Until then...I'll pat my stomach, call my sweet little one by name, and pray for this child that God has blessed us with.

God, you are so good. Even when it hurts.

~Shannon

So Many Things!

So I'm just going to write this in chunks....because I don't think I can make it flow 'prettily'!

1. My due date is now October 15th. Long story but they miscalculated it early on and someone decided it should be October 18th. I am fine with going off the 'true' what woulda been 'original' calculation of October 15th. That'll make me have three days less to wait! So I am currently 28.5 weeks along---officially in my third trimester.

2. My maternity leave plan has been worked out for work so that is good.

3.We are working on figuring out our birthing plan--but ahh! There are so many details....but it is coming along. Figuring out pain relief, breastfeeding, baby staying in room or nursery, etc. etc. etc.

4. We are figuring out what we want to do for the labor/delivery...At this point, we know that it will be just Chris and myself present unless I change my mind. But we have to figure out visitors, positions I want, etc. etc. etc. (sounds kind of like number 3, right?)

5. Finishing up the baby room...This will get easier after showers happen probably. Looking forward to celebrating all this baby jazz!

6. Transferring church memberships...thank goodness we have clarity and blessing about where we are going and what we are doing but it's just a process now.

7. Enjoying our last few weeks without a baby. We will try to squeeze in some special dates and enjoy some time together.

8. And there's some more serious stuff going on, but we are trusting God to bring us through that....as He has thus far!

That's our story and we're stickin' to it.
Shannon

Please keep me in your prayers

Please keep me and our little one in your prayers. We have some decisions to make this week. We are probably switching doctors. This isn't something I really want to talk about....only to say that it was not part of the original plan. We believe everything is going okay with this baby...but....still nervous anyhow!

That's okay. God can work with Plan B...even though we didn't want to switch doctors and deal with some of this stuff.

Also, the eating disorder has been rough on my mind lately. Please keep that in your prayers. I want to be a good mom to this baby. I need to have my priorities straight and lately...well, I don't want to go there. But it's been bad and it's been hard.

Keep in mind, none of this is stuff I really want to talk about. lol....if I want to talk about it, I'll let you know, but if for now, you could just pray for us...that would be great.

27 weeks pregnant

I can't believe I'm 27 weeks pregnant. But I am. I am so blessed. As I write this, the little one is wiggling inside of me.

But...many other things are going on. Chris and I are doing well so I can't complain. We are well and in general, life is okay. Work is good. School is good for him. But there are some emotional things and baby preparation things going on.....I don't really want to say much about them here. I've talked about some of them with my best friends and sister, but some...I'm just wanting to keep between Chris and I for now. Thank goodness J (my therapist) is there too...and to think that last week, I tried to push her away.

I am just grateful though...that in the midst of these really difficult times, where there's been a lot of tears, and frustration from both of us, we are able to stay close, and actually grow stronger. And that we have a strong little baby inside of me.....at 27 weeks. Wow.

God, you are so good to us. Even when the world seems so crappy and the circumstances are not as we would have them. We would change this and that...but it's okay. You have still blessed us. We are so grateful you love us.

~Shannon

The Lord's Perspective

But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7
One of the dear friends from my support group texted that passage this morning. What a blessing it was for me to read this.

Without going into much detail, I can say that the past two days have not been the best of my life but that they have been wonderful. How can I explain that? Well, let's just say that there were a couple of things going on with me that I was concerned about and that I made a couple of bad decisions. However, in the process of all of this going on, I have been surrounded by love and support. Most of all, from my incredible husband who held me for three hours last night and just stroked my hair, reassured me, loved me, and let me talk. What a sweet, sweet man he is. I love him more and more with each passing day. Also, I have had a couple of my best friends be willing to give support. Their prayers, acceptance, and love mean the world to me! My sister called and she gave me some love yesterday even though I didn't really share what was going on. And I am so blessed to have my therapist J.....who doesn't let me slip through the cracks even when I want to. She's such a blessing.

That passage at the top reminds me of how contrary the Lord's perspective is to ours....and this world's.....True beauty is in His eyes and He looks at our heart. What incredible peace this truth can bring.

~Shannon

Days like this....

Do you ever have days where you aren't really looking forward to much and you have to remember to look ahead? July is kind of like that. I'm really looking forward to August but we've got a few weeks still! I will likely get to meet my best friend R's baby girl.....enjoy my own baby shower given by my mom and sister...supposedly they are booking a restaurant and going all out so I'm going to fairly surprised...as well as one given by my boss and his sweet wife. Chris and I should be able to get away for a little weekend. Then...September will come and we're not exactly sure what that'll hold yet. But then...it'll be OCTOBER AND OUR BABY IS DUE! We are so excited!

But for right now, it's the day to day mundane, wishing and waiting for some other things.....Sigh!

Waiting,
Shannon

Reliving Three Years Ago

Three years ago, Chris and I got married at four o'clock at my parents' home church in Michigan. We had pictures done separately before the ceremony but did not see each other. My day was special. Early in the day, my best friends and I waltzed around the living room to a CD Chris has made for me for wedding day. It had Chapel of Love on it. So we traipsed around joyfully....My hair was done up, my make up was done, and my jewelry was on....when we got to the church. We put on my dress! Which I adored! My best friend R (one of my bridesmaids) had notes from all of my dearest friends from a few months before.....and she handed them out to me throughout the day and sent me a stack for the honeymoon. They were notes filled with encouraging words for wedding day and for our marriage. I still have most of those notes and they are so special to me! So I read those notes.....went to the bathroom. And then it was time for the ceremony....

Canon in D was played as our bridal party entered. Our best man James carried in a processional cross...which everyone stood for. Then the bridal party entered in.......Then the music shifted. My best friend B sang the first verse of Love Divine, All Loves Excelling. Then the doors opened and my dad and I entered in......and my sister and soon to be sister in law (both age 13)....carried the train of my dress in. It was neat. I was nervous and shaking though! And then my dad passed me on to Chris, joining our hands. The best feeling in the world was as I walked down the aisle and Chris was looking me in the eye with the most awesome expression...He was teary, he later told me...it was so sweet. The ceremony was special....We lit a beautiful unity candle that was unique and gorgeous---made by Chris's grandmother. We had a couple of very special hymns played. For us, we had wanted a service, not just a ceremony. The rings were not just put on our hands but actually blessed to be a significant and symbolic part of our marriage. Sweet stuff!

After the ceremony, we signed the license--where of course, I accidentally signed my maiden name. Sigh! :) Then we took communion together with our best man-dear friend J-and maid of honor-sister B-and....that was so special for us....to be kneeling with saints and before the throne of God for the first time as a husband and wife. After that, we had a beautiful bubble exit out of the church. That was fun.

Then there were lots and lots and lots of pictures! 

The reception was fun too.....dinner tasted great. When we went to cut the cake, Chris accidentally gave me a piece like three times too big for my mouth! We have some great pictures of us laughing really, really hard because I was like 'eek! I can't chew!' And we did the bouquet toss, garter hunt/throw....my father and Chris thanked everyone for coming. We had so much fun. Then...we danced. It was super special to dance with my Daddy...who told me these words 'you'll never be lonely again.' He was right. Chris and I danced to Michael W. Smith's song 'Love of My Life'...truly a song that has become more and more ours as we've been married for three years. We dance to it in our living room now and hold each other close as we let those words and music cover us. My best friends and I had a circle up, arms around each other, dance to the song 'Friends' which says 'friends are friends forever if the Lord's the Lord of them....' That was so special.

Anyhow, I look back on that day with fondness....and really enjoyed it. There are certainly things I would have done differently. But it was still so meaningful!

Samantha's beginning of life and three year anniversary of marriage

Based on what we know, our sweet Samantha Peep, our first baby, was conceived on July 11th, of last year. This is her one year anniversary of life. She started as a sweet little set of cells and developed into a tiny looking newborn...and she was in the arms of Jesus then.

I've cried on and off all day so far. I'm so grateful that my best friend EE was able to be available to talk last night. It was so comforting to talk for an hour to her and have her listen and know that she cares...and that she says the right thing!

Today is also our three year anniversary. We struggle because our anniversary will never just be our anniversary with joy anymore but will always be mixed with sorrow and also joy over Samant

But I am happy to say.....that I adore my husband. There are very very few marriages and relationships I envy because I really am so content in being married to him. He is a wonderful provider, a strong emotional support, my protector and defender, and just sweet....Last week he made me a cheesecake all for me....which we decided to share with his family while they were over for the evening...but the rest is mine--in the freezer--to cut little pieces off of as I want. It was so sweet. He insisted that I shower first last night.....after our church pool party. He has been so sensitive and tender, especially these past six months, in dealing with my needs and taking care of me and our baby. He is so dedicated to the two of us...and I am so blessed. I love that man passionately and deeply .....and best of all, I know he loves me! When I look back to three years ago, I realize how special our wedding day was...but how even more special our marriage has been, because we have become one from the two that we were. We are so blessed. Most of all, the man is Christ-centered which is of utmost importance to me. When my best friend R's baby girl Alexi went into the hospital, I was in tears, talking with another friend, listening to a voicemail from R....We were in the middle of our nightly game of cribbage and Chris stopped the game, looked at me...and said that we needed to pray. He took my hands and he prayed out loud for Alexi and her mommy and daddy...This was of great comfort to me. I see him developing into such a strong, wonderful, godly man...and I am so blessed! So many people do not have this relationship that we have....and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
This baby kicks a lot these days. There is a lot of movement and we love this child so much. But......this baby is not Samantha. Nor is Samantha this baby. We love them exclusively and equally. As do we Dominic and Noah, and will all of our children.

But I am grateful to be almost 26 weeks along with our rainbow baby. This is a blessing.

But it still hurts. Very badly. I want Samantha with all my heart. And I look at others who recently had babies, especially back in April, and I wonder what Samantha would be doing and what she'd be like today.

My heart feels like it's breaking all over again today.

~Shannon

Life update

Everything has been going fairly well. The pregnancy is going great. Minus not feeling well here and there.

My best friend Renae had a darling baby girl about two weeks ago. Alexi did end up in the hospital due to some feeding/dehydration issues but is doing much better now. Such a blessing. Renae having Alexi and my best friend Sarah having Seth back in April has really gotten me ready for October when we can have this baby. Chris and I are so ready.

Chris and I are both frustrated with someone in our extended family. This person believes they can treat people however they want and there should be no consequences. We're not sure where this behavior shift came from, as this person was not always like this. They say they haven't changed at all but EVERYONE except this person has noticed and observed a change. Whatever. We aren't concerned. We have a great bunch of friends and some other great family members and if this person wants to come around, in time, they will...If not, that's fine too. But we have decided we are not going to put up with crap. We don't put up with it with each other. We certainly won't put up with it from other people. You can't act however you want and have no consequences. Relationships don't work that way!

We are looking forward to August. Beginning of baby shower seasons. It's hard because we never had a shower for Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. These milestones are hard at times but wonderful because we are so blessed with this precious child.

This baby is so loved. My best friends have been giving little gifts. Maternity shirts, baby clothes, a You Are Special by Max Lucado book.....We are so blessed and lucky! I get cards and little messages randomly to remind me and baby how excited these friends are. My mom also has given us some clothing which was sweet.

My support group has been awesome. They are such a good place to talk things over, get support, and get encouragement to do the right thing. I am so blessed with such special people in my life.

We are changing churches in August. This will be a difficult transition because we will miss all of our friends from St. Luke. However, we are so excited about new church and already love it. The pastor is great and the people are friendly. We are looking forward to it!

We just love you, Sprout! We are so looking forward to October! Or maybe November if you come a little bit late. Hehe...

We are so blessed....! So no updates doesn't mean that there was no good news! It just means that we were trekking along!

~S

Maternity swimwear

So my latest pregnancy dilemma...

What to wear to swim in at 25 weeks pregnant? I have not figured it out yet....sigh.

The maternity swimwear is too expensive...and the bigger sizes are too big everywhere else.

I could just not swim.

But I want to swim.

Annoying.

~Shannon

Remembering Ripley Ann (for Jessica)

Dear Ripley Ann,

Where to start? I can't even begin. When your mom called me last week and told me they thought she was losing you, my heart started to quiver. When she called again and said you had gone to live with Jesus, my heart started to break. I know what it's like to lose a baby. Three of them are with you, in heaven, with Jesus...but they aren't here with me.

What would I want to tell you, Ripley? I'd want to tell you that you are very loved. The day your mom found out she was pregnant, she couldn't keep her lips sealed. She called me and told me the awesome joyful news. I could hear joy overflowing in her voice. She and your daddy were amazed and surprised to find out that you were inside of you. And...they loved you already.

Every time we talked, your mom and I, I knew she loved you. And when she lost you, she wept and sobbed because nothing hurts more than losing someone you love...especially someone like you.

I'm certain you are beautiful, Ripley. I know that you are precious. I envision how darling you must be. And I can imagine you've got the best personality, sweet, funny, quirky....You would be a precious combination of your parents.

Ripley, we know that you are with Jesus. And someday we will all be in heaven with you. Your mom can't wait until eternity. She loves you dearly and will always look forward to that embrace. Thank you for blessing her life and through her, blessing mine, with your sweet precious life.

Love,
Aunt Shannon

P.S. Give your cousins Samantha, Dominic, and Noah a hug. Tell them I love them.

*For my best friend, Jess, who lost Ripley Ann, at the end of last week. I get it. It hurts. There's nothing that can make the pain disappear. But we have hope in Jesus and we will see Ripley again.*

A friend of mine

When someone else you love goes through something you've been through, it hurts. And it hurts double...because you know how bad they hurt.

A friend of mine may be losing their baby and my heart is just breaking for them. It also takes me right back to the days where I lost my babies. Sad, sad days.

~Shannon

Nausea and vomiting/ 21 weeks

So over the past three weeks I have really been not feeling well. The nausea/vomiting has gotten worse and worse. After being out of town for a few days, I ended up in the ER last night.  I was starting to dehydrate and could not keep ANYTHING down. That was incredibly frustrating.

The good news was I got fluids and started to feel much better. I also got a prescription for anti-nausea and anti-heartburn meds. I hadn't slept in a few days either so I was in rough shape, physically. Finally, this morning, I feel better! I am supposed to take these meds around the clock so ideally my nausea/vomiting should be taken care of.

I sent a text out to someone yesterday, expressing how frustrated I was because I felt like I wasn't able to function because I feel that I have been sick most of the past year due to all four pregnancies. I can't even call people or talk on the phone as much as possible. I spend a good chunk of time each day just laying down trying not to be sick. I haven't been able to see people as much as I'd like and it seems like Chris and I have limited time together and most of the time we are together, I am sick. It's been difficult. In the car is the worst. That's part of why we made our trip longer this weekend to visit family and friends in Michigan. Even when we were out of town this past weekend, I was sick a lot of it....on the car trip, it took us almost eight hours instead the four and a half it normally does and on the way home, I was sick. I felt nauseated waiting for food at a wedding on Saturday because lunch had worn off. It gets frustrating...but then I remember that this baby is inside of me and is growing and is healthy and that this is just part of the process...

On an awesomer note though, I'm 21 weeks pregnant. As of yesterday. How cool is that? Granted I wish I could celebrate with more than a barf bucket and Gatorade but only 19 weeks to go...MORE THAN HALFWAY THERE! So blessed. And yet so scared...and still worried and still missing the other babies.

~Shannon

My three heaven living babies

June 3rd. I have no clue whether or not Samantha would have been born on April 3rd. I just know that it is the due date we were given. So it's the closest thing I have to what a birthdate would have been. In two days, I realize that Samantha could have been two months old.

Dominic...I thought was going to be our miracle baby. I thought he'd be the peace that came after Samantha. It wasn't to be so. He would have been due in early August, I believe.

Noah. Our first 2011 conception and beautiful baby. I thought he was our New Year, New Hope Baby. But I was wrong again. He was only with us for a short time. I miss him....I feel him inside of me still in a sense......because Sprout came into me just a couple of weeks after he left. They practically shared the space in my body. Because two weeks after I lost him.....I conceived again.  He would be due in mid September...would have been probably just about a month before my current due date of October 18th. Instead of 20 weeks pregnant, I'd be 24....Crazy.

But I don't want him in place of Sprout. But nor would I pick this baby in place of Noah, Dominic, and Samantha....and it would be cruel of anyone, even myself, to force me to pick one of them over another.

Yesterday was my 20 weeks mark and my BIG ultrasound. We found out what the gender is but still are not going to announce until the birth... It will take some processing to accept. I knew no matter whether they told us boy or girl that it would be difficult because we've lost one little girl and two little boys already so either way, our hearts would hurt. I also realized that this baby....has one big sister and one big brother. And I so wonder if Sprout's siblings would look like him/her now that I've seen Sprout's features on the ultrasound. I believe Sprout has Daddy's nose and mouth, and Mommy's chin...and a combo of both of our foreheads. What would Samantha, Dominic, and Noah look like? Would they look like Sprout? Would they look like me or like Chris? Questions I don't think I'll ever know the answer to this side of heaven.

I cried last night.

I let yesterday be Sprout's. I was filled with joy at this little miracle inside of me. Chris and I marveled at the perfectly made, delicate body parts we saw.......we realized again how precious life is...by looking at this tiny baby inside of me. I let myself rejoice in this little baby that is currently inside.

But by night, grief had built up. And my best friend R is so good at reminding me that grief has to be let out...Like a faucet, you have to open the spigot and let it flow....or else the pressure gets too heavy and could burst. I cried a little. I'm still missing the other babies. And I feel so cheated out of life with them and out of the pregnancy with them. Samantha, somewhat, I got to marvel over her features. But neither Dominic or Noah.....they were here and gone in the blink of an eye.

I miss them still.
But I love Sprout.

I remind myself that it's okay to feel both ways at one time...but it is hard. I feel like I am cheating this baby out of the current joy that I should have for him/her...but.....I know that it's reality. Life is not perfect. The loss of our three babies has forever changed who we are, who I am, and I have to accept that. It will impact me forever, as long as I live, I think.....and that's just part of the reality and the family we have........

That's a lot...and I know it's heavy...but it needed to be said!

~Shannon