Exhaustion

Lately I have been exhausted.

Part of it was when I went to this youth leaders conference across the state last Friday-Saturday. It was my productive but personally, I am still not sure that was a good idea.

I have been wiped out since then.

And when I get wiped out, my Charcot Marie Tooth disease flares up. Leg cramps, nerve pain, muscular weakness, general exhaustion. My body already has to work harder than most but it can be managed. When I don't get enough rest or take good care of myself, I REALLY feel it.

I am only working a half day today so I can go home and rest before I have an appointment with J.

Add my exhaustion and crazy schedule + pregnancy and you get some mega not feeling wellness..........

What are you going to do? Life still calls.

I just feel that I haven't had the energy to do anything but work (which I hardly have the energy for but HAVE to do because a paycheck is necessary!).......and that gets depressing.

~Shannon

People that get under my skin

There are always going to be people who irritate me...........

Right now there is one person really doing that.....

GRRRRR.....

More lately.

Shannon

I have seen God's healing hand

Last night, I attended our church's worship band practice for the first time since before I lost our first baby. It has been almost seven months since I have participated in leading worship by singing in the band. When I lost Samantha, I knew I wouldn't be able to lead worship again for quite awhile. At one point, I even confessed to Chris that I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to sing again. It's not because my faith wasn't there. It was. I just felt wounded, weak, and vulnerable. Tears were close to my eyes at all times, especially during worship. Worship also became a very poignant time for me. Other than communion, I have never felt so connected to our babies and our Heavenly Father at the same time, as I do when I am worshipping. Worship takes me right before Jesus spiritually which is where our babies are physically. I can envision them worshipping, dancing with Jesus, and just adoring all that He is. I didn't know that I would ever be able to be part of the worship team again. I didn't know that God could bring the kind of healing that He brings. I didn't realize how powerful He was. I didn't know how capable He was. Then last night I was reminded of al of these things.

As I went to practice, I won't lie, I was a tiny bit nervous. It was a bit difficult for me because the last time I had practiced, I had been pregnant with Samantha. That made me sad, of course, because in a perfect world, where nothing was fallen, we would be due to give her birth around April 3rd. But now she's with Jesus. So it was a little hard for me to go but once I got there, I felt so at home. I realized how much I love to sing and leading worship and how much I love my fellow worship team members. They are truly some of my favorite people in the world.

As we went through singing, in the back of my mind, I thought how much my faith had grown. Yes, I believed all the words when I sang them months ago but I believe them even more now than I did then. Today, I know, from personal experience, that our God is a loving God. I know He keeps His promises. I know that He never gives us more than we can bear. I know He provides in ways that are unmeasurable. And most of all, I know that nothing can ever separate us from Him. I also know how good He is. Even when the world doubts and wonders how we can trust, in my heart, I know that He is good, He is only loving, and He is truly an awesome God.

As I drove home after practice, I recalled that conversation I had with Chris about possibly not singing again. All of a sudden, I was hit with the realization that God has been so good to me over the past few months. I have been through ups and downs in life but I can truly say that the past year has been the hardest year of my life. I have experienced a lot of pain and really struggled. But I am coming out on the other side. I'm not there yet. I'm not certain I'll ever be there. But what I do know is that no matter where I am in life, no matter what my circumstances are, nothing can come between me and God. He is a strong and mighty God and powerful enough to do anything He wants. His plans are unfathomable and incredible. His ways are best. The most incredible thing I've learned is how He cares so deeply. Even though I am just one person, just a little me in my mind, He cares about and loves me. He cares enough to bring me healing and to give me the strength to sing and praise Him again. Even the littlest things, He cares about. I can see how His healing hand reaches out daily and touches my life and I am so in awe of Him.

I know things I didn't know months ago...and I'm so glad that I do. Our God is an awesome God. I am grateful to have walked through the storm because now I know that my faith has been tested and developed and that in my heart and my mind, nothing can ever make me doubt our God. I now don't just believe...I know the truth about God and His Word. Nothing else compares.

Thank you, Lord, for all that you are, and have been, and will be. I love you.

~Shannon

A thread of hope is being woven

So here's the situation.

Yesterday was fairly terrifying. I started spotting, a pink discharge, that, of course, sent me into a panic. Ah! so I called the OBGYN office I am a patient at....and they sent me for the bloodwork. The reasoning being that if my hcg evels were high enough, they could then send me for an ultrasound.

My levels were plenty high and I went for the ultrasound this morning. I was so blessed that Chris was able to go with me. HAPPY NEWS! Sprout looks great....found heartbeat and everything looks normal and healthy! So now we have baby pictures.

Yesterday, I was fairly distraught. Now, today, I am feeling that a thread of hope woven in me once again...that maybe this baby will come home with us.

Shannon

A lot of rambling thoughts

So I realize it's been awhile since I've written but..here goes...

I have a lot of rambling thoughts.....Bear with me while I just simply find a way to express them.


Thought 1:

I am testy lately. I'm sure it's because I am pregnant but there's no way to know for sure. But...I HATE WHEN PEOPLE GIVE ME ADVICE OR TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN I'M NOT ASKING FOR IT.

I think the reason I hate that so much is because I'm the kind of person who will ask for advice. I will call and say is this normal? OR HOW DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD PROCEED?

SO IF I don't ask for your opinion, don't give it to me!!

OKAY?? GRRRR........Chris and I both had issues with a certain person lately whom we feel like has tried to be too controlling. We will be distancing ourselves a little, in order to preserve our identity and not be influenced in our decisions......SIGH !!!

Thought 2:

Another thing that is frustrating to me is the sexual situation within my extended family. I felt as FIRST that everyone was supportive and NOW I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE JUST WANTS to pretend it DIDN'T HAPPEN and we just HAVE TO ON like nothing EVER happened. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!!! Nothing!

I'm the one who got screwed over...I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! The other thing that frustrates me is that by telling someone sooner, I DOUBT IT would have made a difference. Seeing the reaction now has been frustrating for me...because it's just easier to not think about it because it makes us uncomfortable...doesn't it? SIGH!

Also, I STILL DON'T know what to do about future family gatherings. I DO feel better that I shared what happened...now knowng that our future children are safe BUT...the route that was taken to deal with it was one that did not treat me as an adult and gave me no control over the situation!!!

ANYHOW, that's still a sensitive topic. NEXT appointment with J, we'll discuss that.

Thought 3:

Also, I am FRUSTRATED that I feel like there are certain people in our lives who are aware of certain sitautions with other people and ARE IN DENIAL!!! That drives me insane. What drives me crazier is the fact that you might put someone else at risk...by being in denial. The issue isn't not knowing. No the ISSUE IS WANTING TO LIVE IN AN UNREALISTIC world where eveything GOES THE WAY you plan it!

GRRR....I REALIZE I HAVE no CONTROL over this situation but STILL..it gets under my skin....

Thought 4:

I am almost eight weeks pregnant! This is exciting, right? ALSO TERRIFYING! AND ALSO HEARTWRENCHING. I MISS THE OTHER BABIES. SOME PEOPLE JUST CAN'T GRASP THAT. I CAN'T BE AROUND THOSE PEOPLE MUCH.

Also, THIS IS OUR BABY. Ultimately, we believe THIS CHILD BELONGS TO GOD BUT God is loaning this baby TO US. NOT TO YOU! So DON'T TELL ME OR TELL US WHAT YOU think we should do about THIS OR THAT unless we ask. I DON'T TELL YOU WHAT I THINK ABOUT YOUR PARENTING EVEN THOUGH SOMETIMES I think it's terrible and so I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF. This ties back in with thought NUMBER 1.

Thought 5:

I HATE being yelled at. I CAN'T HANDLE BEING YELLED AT. And again, I'm sure part of this is that I'm pregnant and HYPERSENSITIVE. i WILLLLLL ADMIT THAT! but don't yell at me.......at all. It's rude and uncalled for. AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO TALK TO ME NICELY.

Thought 6:

Do YOU EVER NOT FEEL SORRY FOR SOMEONE whom you don't feel will help themself out? LIKE YOU TALK TO THEM...you give them resources...you offer help...they ask for your help, you give it and then they are like I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE. it is too hard!

WHAT??? THAT'S CRAP!

I know I PROBABLY SOUND TERRIBLY INSENSITIVE...I just get frustrated by people who keep making bad decisions and it's only a matter of time before they get the consequences....RIDICULOUS...because it's not like they have an excuse if they were offered help.

Thought 7:

I love this baby. I REALIZE that I would and will do anything for this child. I am starting to think like a mom. I am trying to think about what's best for our little Sprout.

Thought 8:

Getting on the scale IS NOT AN option! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!
The OBGYN PEEPS gave me a bit of a hard time again but.......they still agreed to treat me! They just are like 'it's important' and I'M LIKE I'M SURE IT IS! BUT you're going to have to adapt FOR A ONE PERSON SITUATION. i AM not asking yoU TO CHANGE YOUR ENTIRE protocol and way of doing things! JEEPERSSSS!

J says that there have been pregnancies that have happened w/o PEOPLE GETTING ON THE SCALE. HAHAHAAHA...and healthy babies are born!

I KNOW THAT I WILL BE A BETTER MOM AND TAKE BETTER CARE OF THIS BABY IF I DON'T get on the scale!

Thought 9:

So reaaaddddy for SPRING! It has been sunny here which is great but still has been chilly..I CAN'T WAIT!! My SAD is flaring up because even though it's sunny, I feel that it's too cold to be outside much!
After this first trimester too, I'M GOING TO WANT TO TAKE WALKS AND JUST ENJOY CREATION!!!

Thought 10:

WHY OH WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN? I KNOW WHY...so why do I ask why? A family member has been diagnosed with a cancer that is very rare...IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. She's a great Christian girl and I DON'T GET IT! SEEEEEMMMMSSSSS LIKE THERE'S SO MUCH PURPOSE for her life and IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE...

BUT we'll conclude on

Thought 11:

God is good.
He is love.
He knows best.
He keeps His promises.
He is faithful.
He is trustworthy.
He is better than we are.
His ways are not our ways.
And
God is good.

~Shannon

Scared to write

I guess you could say that I've almost been scared to write....

I am still pregnant.

I have had no bleeding.

Nothing indicates complications.

And yet, I am so scared that I am going to miscarry.

I'm almost afraid to talk about it.
Like it might make it real.
But I need to.
Talk about it.

~Shannon

Really Reflecting on I Will Carry You By Selah

Dear Samantha,

These words make me think of you all the time. I still carry you so close to my heart.

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies
Wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave
But I'm not
Truth is
I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years

I will carry you
All my life
I will praise the One
Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

I've shown photographs
of time beginning
Walked her through
the parted sea
Angel lullabies
no more teary eyes
Who could love her
like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
all your life
I will praise the One
Who's chosen me to carry you

Right now another brother or sister is growing inside of me. I love your sibling that we are calling Sprout. But you will always have a special place in my heart as my first baby. I miss you more than you can ever know. Even though it's been six months, it still stings to think about how much I miss you. I wish so badly that in April, I was bringing you home. I want to bring you and Noah and Dominic and Sprout home. All of you. One big happy family. But this side of heaven that can not happen. So I simply look ahead to the day when it can. When Jesus returns or when He calls me home. And finally, we will be together.

I love you, Samantha Peep. And we will meet in the land of perfection where nothing can snatch you from me. Jesus will hold us together until then.

Squeeze your brothers. I love all of you, my dear babies, more than I ever knew was possible.

Love,
Mommy

Feeling bummed today

I am really frustrated. I don't have the energy to write about it right now. But let's just say I am so lost right now. One minute this person tells me one thing, the next they tell me something different. It's so frustrating. Then to be told I won't be a good mom...simply by not getting weighed. I am hoping I misunderstood this person. I am pretty sad today....................

~Shannon

Anxiety

I am feeling a lot of anxiety. No issues with baby or anything but I feel that it is just a matter of time until I miscarry. Logically, I know that I could go on to have a healthy baby but I can't completely grasp that. I am too afraid to hope. I am scared of the unknown. I don't want to miscarry but if I am going to lose this little one, I want to get it over with. Then I feel guilty for thinking that way because I am also grateful for every moment that the little life inside of me is present here on earth. I pray for baby Sprout and I love this child so much too.

Such mixed feelings.

Shannon

My fourth child

Last Sunday, I found out that my fourth child was growing inside of me. I got a positive pregnancy test! What a thrill that was and yet it also sent fear coursing through me. It started many questions. Will I miscarry? Will this be my 'rainbow' baby? Will I get to bring this one home? When will the bleeding start? Will there be no bleeding this time? My head has been spinning. Almost too much to write. I was too scared to say anything. But it's been eight days since I got that positive. That's longer than it was with Noah and with Dominic. Samantha was in me for almost thirteen weeks. With Noah and Dominic, within a couple of days of knowing they existed, they were with Jesus. I have now been aware of baby Sprout for eight days and there haven't been any complications. I feel so blessed. But I am afraid to be too hopeful.

And yet I believe two things that have kept my hope and faith from running dry.

1. Nothing is impossible with God.
2. Nothing is too hard for the Lord.

Those two phrases remind me that anything can be done and nothing is too much work for God.

Please pray for us. We are nervous. But no matter what happens, God is good. He knows best and we love Him.

~Shannon

Emotionally great, Physically sick

Emotionally, I am doing great

However, physically I am really sick --Multiple things going on including brochitis.

Ewww....

So real quick..I have to vent.

What kind of an idiot, knowing someone suffers from an eating disorder, asks if you've lost weight because gee, you look really good.....?

GRRRR!

Shannon

Waiting

These words speak so deeply to my heart.....
Lord, we believe that only you know when we will be able to bring home a baby.
We will wait and trust. We love you, Lord. Your ways are better than ours. Even when it hurts...

From John Waller's While I'm Waiting

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on you, lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on you, lorD
Though it is painful
But patiently I will wait

I will move ahead,
bold and confident,
Taking every step in
obedience

While I'm waiting,
I will serve you
While I'm waiting,
I will worship
While I'm waiting,
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

Not having a good day

I am not having a good day. It's one of those times I wish people would stop being harsh on me and just love me. Maybe sit with me and let me cry it out?

but...then I think maybe I am not worth loving.........

I know it's irrational but my head is swirling today.

Maybe I am not pregnant this month and my PMS is really bad. I've always been super sensitive.

Sigh.........

Shannon

'Beautiful For Me' by Nicole Nordeman

Thank you for sharing this song, Sarah Joy....
~Shannon


Beautiful For Me
Nicole Nordeman

Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess
But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me

If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what’s inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
Close your eyes
Look inside
Let me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you’re beautiful

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Yeah
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You’re so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me
Has anybody told you?

One day at a time

Sometimes it's such a struggle...to get through one day.

You hear people say one day at a time but honestly sometimes one minute at a time is too much.

Shannon

What I Don't Want To Be

It seems like so many time we ask ourselves who we are. We ask ourselves who we want to be. I feel like there is so much there that I am but I also feel that what hinders me is focusing on the things that I don't want to be. What don't I want to be? I'll tell you.

I don't want to be a number. Specifically, I don't want to be a size, a weight number, a number of inches. I don't even want to be a BMI or a percentile. I don't like numbers to describe people. I don't want to be a rating of hotness. I don't want to be a number

What else don't I want to be? I most definitely don't want to be fake. I want to be real. I don't want to be fake smiles and facades. Don't tell me to pretend to be happy or act happy when I am not. Instead, find me real and genuine happiness. No, don't find it for me. Help me to find lasting joy. Being fake is something I have struggled with.

I don't want to be ugly. I suppose you could also turn that around and say that I want to be beautiful. Gorgeous. Lovely. Pretty. I don't feel that I am any of those things. I just can't see it. When I look into the mirror I can't see who I am. And at the same time, if you think I am beautiful, I don't want to be just a pretty face. I want to be a person.

Sometimes I have to confess I don't even want to be me...but I am learning to accept that I am me and that it's okay to be me.

That's what I don't want to be. I guess you can see my fears. And...underneath it all, you can see what it is I do want to be.

~Shannon

Group

Last night I joined a group of other young women who share something in common: a struggle with an eating disorder. I was terrified before I went to the appointment. I was afraid they wouldn't like me or accept me but then by the time the group was over and I was walking out the door, I felt like I had come home. I felt understood and accepted. God was so good. I am already so grateful to J for inviting me to join this group.

It's amazing to me how God provides when you least expect it.

~Shannon

God is faithful

God is faithful
When I'm out of place
His deep love
I can never erase

God is faithful
He's steady and true
My trustworthy Lord
Oh, how I love you

~Shannon

ovulation calendar

Your next ovulation will most likely occur on Monday, Jan-24-2011.
Your fertile days are between Friday, Jan-21-2011 and Wednesday, Jan-26-2011.
If you get pregnant during this cycle, your due day would be Monday, Oct-17-2011.

I am not supposed to get pregnant this cycle but if I am, I already am.

Hmmmm....time will tell.

October sounds like a nice time....

~Shannon

From the mouth of babes

I absolutely adore Christopher's little brother M. M is hilarious. He's eight years old and witty. He's smart and he's a youngest child which gives him a certain impish personality. Well, the other day M and I had a fantastic conversation. This is how it went:

M: Is Mom driving or are you?

me: Well, I guess we can pretend I could drive from the passenger seat.

M: No, you can't.

me: Well, actually, close your eyes and use your imagination. Anything is possible.

M: Well, not anything. I mean, George Washington can't come back to life.

me: Well, actually...if God wants to. You ever heard of Lazarus?

M: No.....

me: Well, let me tell you the story from the Bible. Lazarus was a friend of Jesus and he died. Lazarus' family came to Jesus and they were kind of ticked off that Jesus hadn't been there to save him. Jesus wept---totally cried when he heard about Lazarus---and then he asked to go into Lazarus' tomb...and they were like 'surely he stinketh!' which is one of my favorite Bible verses, but that is beside the point, and he went in and then he brought Lazarus back to life!

M: (with a fantastic and confused expression, says in a voice of awe)  OH..... So he was a zombie then?!!!

me: AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! no...he was not a zombie!!!!!! He was alive like you and me.....

M: Oh....

me: So that's why I say if God wanted to, Washington could come back to life. Nothing is impossible.

M: Yeah, nothing is impossible with God. I remember that from watching Facing the Giants.

I started getting teary....

me: I'm so glad you know that, M. One of my favorite questions is 'is anything too hard for the Lord?'

And he says something like: No....nothing is too hard for the Lord. Nothing is impossible with God.

BEAUTIFUL! That was a few days ago...What a fantastic conversation!

~Shannon