27 weeks pregnant

I can't believe I'm 27 weeks pregnant. But I am. I am so blessed. As I write this, the little one is wiggling inside of me.

But...many other things are going on. Chris and I are doing well so I can't complain. We are well and in general, life is okay. Work is good. School is good for him. But there are some emotional things and baby preparation things going on.....I don't really want to say much about them here. I've talked about some of them with my best friends and sister, but some...I'm just wanting to keep between Chris and I for now. Thank goodness J (my therapist) is there too...and to think that last week, I tried to push her away.

I am just grateful though...that in the midst of these really difficult times, where there's been a lot of tears, and frustration from both of us, we are able to stay close, and actually grow stronger. And that we have a strong little baby inside of me.....at 27 weeks. Wow.

God, you are so good to us. Even when the world seems so crappy and the circumstances are not as we would have them. We would change this and that...but it's okay. You have still blessed us. We are so grateful you love us.

~Shannon

The Lord's Perspective

But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7
One of the dear friends from my support group texted that passage this morning. What a blessing it was for me to read this.

Without going into much detail, I can say that the past two days have not been the best of my life but that they have been wonderful. How can I explain that? Well, let's just say that there were a couple of things going on with me that I was concerned about and that I made a couple of bad decisions. However, in the process of all of this going on, I have been surrounded by love and support. Most of all, from my incredible husband who held me for three hours last night and just stroked my hair, reassured me, loved me, and let me talk. What a sweet, sweet man he is. I love him more and more with each passing day. Also, I have had a couple of my best friends be willing to give support. Their prayers, acceptance, and love mean the world to me! My sister called and she gave me some love yesterday even though I didn't really share what was going on. And I am so blessed to have my therapist J.....who doesn't let me slip through the cracks even when I want to. She's such a blessing.

That passage at the top reminds me of how contrary the Lord's perspective is to ours....and this world's.....True beauty is in His eyes and He looks at our heart. What incredible peace this truth can bring.

~Shannon

Days like this....

Do you ever have days where you aren't really looking forward to much and you have to remember to look ahead? July is kind of like that. I'm really looking forward to August but we've got a few weeks still! I will likely get to meet my best friend R's baby girl.....enjoy my own baby shower given by my mom and sister...supposedly they are booking a restaurant and going all out so I'm going to fairly surprised...as well as one given by my boss and his sweet wife. Chris and I should be able to get away for a little weekend. Then...September will come and we're not exactly sure what that'll hold yet. But then...it'll be OCTOBER AND OUR BABY IS DUE! We are so excited!

But for right now, it's the day to day mundane, wishing and waiting for some other things.....Sigh!

Waiting,
Shannon

Reliving Three Years Ago

Three years ago, Chris and I got married at four o'clock at my parents' home church in Michigan. We had pictures done separately before the ceremony but did not see each other. My day was special. Early in the day, my best friends and I waltzed around the living room to a CD Chris has made for me for wedding day. It had Chapel of Love on it. So we traipsed around joyfully....My hair was done up, my make up was done, and my jewelry was on....when we got to the church. We put on my dress! Which I adored! My best friend R (one of my bridesmaids) had notes from all of my dearest friends from a few months before.....and she handed them out to me throughout the day and sent me a stack for the honeymoon. They were notes filled with encouraging words for wedding day and for our marriage. I still have most of those notes and they are so special to me! So I read those notes.....went to the bathroom. And then it was time for the ceremony....

Canon in D was played as our bridal party entered. Our best man James carried in a processional cross...which everyone stood for. Then the bridal party entered in.......Then the music shifted. My best friend B sang the first verse of Love Divine, All Loves Excelling. Then the doors opened and my dad and I entered in......and my sister and soon to be sister in law (both age 13)....carried the train of my dress in. It was neat. I was nervous and shaking though! And then my dad passed me on to Chris, joining our hands. The best feeling in the world was as I walked down the aisle and Chris was looking me in the eye with the most awesome expression...He was teary, he later told me...it was so sweet. The ceremony was special....We lit a beautiful unity candle that was unique and gorgeous---made by Chris's grandmother. We had a couple of very special hymns played. For us, we had wanted a service, not just a ceremony. The rings were not just put on our hands but actually blessed to be a significant and symbolic part of our marriage. Sweet stuff!

After the ceremony, we signed the license--where of course, I accidentally signed my maiden name. Sigh! :) Then we took communion together with our best man-dear friend J-and maid of honor-sister B-and....that was so special for us....to be kneeling with saints and before the throne of God for the first time as a husband and wife. After that, we had a beautiful bubble exit out of the church. That was fun.

Then there were lots and lots and lots of pictures! 

The reception was fun too.....dinner tasted great. When we went to cut the cake, Chris accidentally gave me a piece like three times too big for my mouth! We have some great pictures of us laughing really, really hard because I was like 'eek! I can't chew!' And we did the bouquet toss, garter hunt/throw....my father and Chris thanked everyone for coming. We had so much fun. Then...we danced. It was super special to dance with my Daddy...who told me these words 'you'll never be lonely again.' He was right. Chris and I danced to Michael W. Smith's song 'Love of My Life'...truly a song that has become more and more ours as we've been married for three years. We dance to it in our living room now and hold each other close as we let those words and music cover us. My best friends and I had a circle up, arms around each other, dance to the song 'Friends' which says 'friends are friends forever if the Lord's the Lord of them....' That was so special.

Anyhow, I look back on that day with fondness....and really enjoyed it. There are certainly things I would have done differently. But it was still so meaningful!

Samantha's beginning of life and three year anniversary of marriage

Based on what we know, our sweet Samantha Peep, our first baby, was conceived on July 11th, of last year. This is her one year anniversary of life. She started as a sweet little set of cells and developed into a tiny looking newborn...and she was in the arms of Jesus then.

I've cried on and off all day so far. I'm so grateful that my best friend EE was able to be available to talk last night. It was so comforting to talk for an hour to her and have her listen and know that she cares...and that she says the right thing!

Today is also our three year anniversary. We struggle because our anniversary will never just be our anniversary with joy anymore but will always be mixed with sorrow and also joy over Samant

But I am happy to say.....that I adore my husband. There are very very few marriages and relationships I envy because I really am so content in being married to him. He is a wonderful provider, a strong emotional support, my protector and defender, and just sweet....Last week he made me a cheesecake all for me....which we decided to share with his family while they were over for the evening...but the rest is mine--in the freezer--to cut little pieces off of as I want. It was so sweet. He insisted that I shower first last night.....after our church pool party. He has been so sensitive and tender, especially these past six months, in dealing with my needs and taking care of me and our baby. He is so dedicated to the two of us...and I am so blessed. I love that man passionately and deeply .....and best of all, I know he loves me! When I look back to three years ago, I realize how special our wedding day was...but how even more special our marriage has been, because we have become one from the two that we were. We are so blessed. Most of all, the man is Christ-centered which is of utmost importance to me. When my best friend R's baby girl Alexi went into the hospital, I was in tears, talking with another friend, listening to a voicemail from R....We were in the middle of our nightly game of cribbage and Chris stopped the game, looked at me...and said that we needed to pray. He took my hands and he prayed out loud for Alexi and her mommy and daddy...This was of great comfort to me. I see him developing into such a strong, wonderful, godly man...and I am so blessed! So many people do not have this relationship that we have....and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
This baby kicks a lot these days. There is a lot of movement and we love this child so much. But......this baby is not Samantha. Nor is Samantha this baby. We love them exclusively and equally. As do we Dominic and Noah, and will all of our children.

But I am grateful to be almost 26 weeks along with our rainbow baby. This is a blessing.

But it still hurts. Very badly. I want Samantha with all my heart. And I look at others who recently had babies, especially back in April, and I wonder what Samantha would be doing and what she'd be like today.

My heart feels like it's breaking all over again today.

~Shannon

Life update

Everything has been going fairly well. The pregnancy is going great. Minus not feeling well here and there.

My best friend Renae had a darling baby girl about two weeks ago. Alexi did end up in the hospital due to some feeding/dehydration issues but is doing much better now. Such a blessing. Renae having Alexi and my best friend Sarah having Seth back in April has really gotten me ready for October when we can have this baby. Chris and I are so ready.

Chris and I are both frustrated with someone in our extended family. This person believes they can treat people however they want and there should be no consequences. We're not sure where this behavior shift came from, as this person was not always like this. They say they haven't changed at all but EVERYONE except this person has noticed and observed a change. Whatever. We aren't concerned. We have a great bunch of friends and some other great family members and if this person wants to come around, in time, they will...If not, that's fine too. But we have decided we are not going to put up with crap. We don't put up with it with each other. We certainly won't put up with it from other people. You can't act however you want and have no consequences. Relationships don't work that way!

We are looking forward to August. Beginning of baby shower seasons. It's hard because we never had a shower for Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. These milestones are hard at times but wonderful because we are so blessed with this precious child.

This baby is so loved. My best friends have been giving little gifts. Maternity shirts, baby clothes, a You Are Special by Max Lucado book.....We are so blessed and lucky! I get cards and little messages randomly to remind me and baby how excited these friends are. My mom also has given us some clothing which was sweet.

My support group has been awesome. They are such a good place to talk things over, get support, and get encouragement to do the right thing. I am so blessed with such special people in my life.

We are changing churches in August. This will be a difficult transition because we will miss all of our friends from St. Luke. However, we are so excited about new church and already love it. The pastor is great and the people are friendly. We are looking forward to it!

We just love you, Sprout! We are so looking forward to October! Or maybe November if you come a little bit late. Hehe...

We are so blessed....! So no updates doesn't mean that there was no good news! It just means that we were trekking along!

~S

Maternity swimwear

So my latest pregnancy dilemma...

What to wear to swim in at 25 weeks pregnant? I have not figured it out yet....sigh.

The maternity swimwear is too expensive...and the bigger sizes are too big everywhere else.

I could just not swim.

But I want to swim.

Annoying.

~Shannon

Remembering Ripley Ann (for Jessica)

Dear Ripley Ann,

Where to start? I can't even begin. When your mom called me last week and told me they thought she was losing you, my heart started to quiver. When she called again and said you had gone to live with Jesus, my heart started to break. I know what it's like to lose a baby. Three of them are with you, in heaven, with Jesus...but they aren't here with me.

What would I want to tell you, Ripley? I'd want to tell you that you are very loved. The day your mom found out she was pregnant, she couldn't keep her lips sealed. She called me and told me the awesome joyful news. I could hear joy overflowing in her voice. She and your daddy were amazed and surprised to find out that you were inside of you. And...they loved you already.

Every time we talked, your mom and I, I knew she loved you. And when she lost you, she wept and sobbed because nothing hurts more than losing someone you love...especially someone like you.

I'm certain you are beautiful, Ripley. I know that you are precious. I envision how darling you must be. And I can imagine you've got the best personality, sweet, funny, quirky....You would be a precious combination of your parents.

Ripley, we know that you are with Jesus. And someday we will all be in heaven with you. Your mom can't wait until eternity. She loves you dearly and will always look forward to that embrace. Thank you for blessing her life and through her, blessing mine, with your sweet precious life.

Love,
Aunt Shannon

P.S. Give your cousins Samantha, Dominic, and Noah a hug. Tell them I love them.

*For my best friend, Jess, who lost Ripley Ann, at the end of last week. I get it. It hurts. There's nothing that can make the pain disappear. But we have hope in Jesus and we will see Ripley again.*

A friend of mine

When someone else you love goes through something you've been through, it hurts. And it hurts double...because you know how bad they hurt.

A friend of mine may be losing their baby and my heart is just breaking for them. It also takes me right back to the days where I lost my babies. Sad, sad days.

~Shannon

Nausea and vomiting/ 21 weeks

So over the past three weeks I have really been not feeling well. The nausea/vomiting has gotten worse and worse. After being out of town for a few days, I ended up in the ER last night.  I was starting to dehydrate and could not keep ANYTHING down. That was incredibly frustrating.

The good news was I got fluids and started to feel much better. I also got a prescription for anti-nausea and anti-heartburn meds. I hadn't slept in a few days either so I was in rough shape, physically. Finally, this morning, I feel better! I am supposed to take these meds around the clock so ideally my nausea/vomiting should be taken care of.

I sent a text out to someone yesterday, expressing how frustrated I was because I felt like I wasn't able to function because I feel that I have been sick most of the past year due to all four pregnancies. I can't even call people or talk on the phone as much as possible. I spend a good chunk of time each day just laying down trying not to be sick. I haven't been able to see people as much as I'd like and it seems like Chris and I have limited time together and most of the time we are together, I am sick. It's been difficult. In the car is the worst. That's part of why we made our trip longer this weekend to visit family and friends in Michigan. Even when we were out of town this past weekend, I was sick a lot of it....on the car trip, it took us almost eight hours instead the four and a half it normally does and on the way home, I was sick. I felt nauseated waiting for food at a wedding on Saturday because lunch had worn off. It gets frustrating...but then I remember that this baby is inside of me and is growing and is healthy and that this is just part of the process...

On an awesomer note though, I'm 21 weeks pregnant. As of yesterday. How cool is that? Granted I wish I could celebrate with more than a barf bucket and Gatorade but only 19 weeks to go...MORE THAN HALFWAY THERE! So blessed. And yet so scared...and still worried and still missing the other babies.

~Shannon

My three heaven living babies

June 3rd. I have no clue whether or not Samantha would have been born on April 3rd. I just know that it is the due date we were given. So it's the closest thing I have to what a birthdate would have been. In two days, I realize that Samantha could have been two months old.

Dominic...I thought was going to be our miracle baby. I thought he'd be the peace that came after Samantha. It wasn't to be so. He would have been due in early August, I believe.

Noah. Our first 2011 conception and beautiful baby. I thought he was our New Year, New Hope Baby. But I was wrong again. He was only with us for a short time. I miss him....I feel him inside of me still in a sense......because Sprout came into me just a couple of weeks after he left. They practically shared the space in my body. Because two weeks after I lost him.....I conceived again.  He would be due in mid September...would have been probably just about a month before my current due date of October 18th. Instead of 20 weeks pregnant, I'd be 24....Crazy.

But I don't want him in place of Sprout. But nor would I pick this baby in place of Noah, Dominic, and Samantha....and it would be cruel of anyone, even myself, to force me to pick one of them over another.

Yesterday was my 20 weeks mark and my BIG ultrasound. We found out what the gender is but still are not going to announce until the birth... It will take some processing to accept. I knew no matter whether they told us boy or girl that it would be difficult because we've lost one little girl and two little boys already so either way, our hearts would hurt. I also realized that this baby....has one big sister and one big brother. And I so wonder if Sprout's siblings would look like him/her now that I've seen Sprout's features on the ultrasound. I believe Sprout has Daddy's nose and mouth, and Mommy's chin...and a combo of both of our foreheads. What would Samantha, Dominic, and Noah look like? Would they look like Sprout? Would they look like me or like Chris? Questions I don't think I'll ever know the answer to this side of heaven.

I cried last night.

I let yesterday be Sprout's. I was filled with joy at this little miracle inside of me. Chris and I marveled at the perfectly made, delicate body parts we saw.......we realized again how precious life is...by looking at this tiny baby inside of me. I let myself rejoice in this little baby that is currently inside.

But by night, grief had built up. And my best friend R is so good at reminding me that grief has to be let out...Like a faucet, you have to open the spigot and let it flow....or else the pressure gets too heavy and could burst. I cried a little. I'm still missing the other babies. And I feel so cheated out of life with them and out of the pregnancy with them. Samantha, somewhat, I got to marvel over her features. But neither Dominic or Noah.....they were here and gone in the blink of an eye.

I miss them still.
But I love Sprout.

I remind myself that it's okay to feel both ways at one time...but it is hard. I feel like I am cheating this baby out of the current joy that I should have for him/her...but.....I know that it's reality. Life is not perfect. The loss of our three babies has forever changed who we are, who I am, and I have to accept that. It will impact me forever, as long as I live, I think.....and that's just part of the reality and the family we have........

That's a lot...and I know it's heavy...but it needed to be said!

~Shannon

19 weeks, 1 day

I am nineteen weeks along. Next week is our big ultrasound. Anticipating everything going well with this but still nervous of course.

Our house is starting to get more and more cozy and the way we want it to be. They say it takes a year to get settled. It's been just over a year ish...and we are finally getting things set up the way that we want to. We rearranged the living room last night, discussing where we want to get/keep an arts and crafts chest and where we'll set up the play pen. We have a beautiful solid oak board that will be turned into a shelf in our kitchen. We can put some extra appliances on the shelf and then we will be able to have more counter space.

Sprout's room is painted and ready as things come into it. We just need to clean out the closet, but we'll save that for another day--it's not too big of a closet...and it'll be easier if we actually have a plan/place to move those things.

We are going to find out the sex next week if we can...and then I will be making little boy/girl specific things, etc. and be able to really imagine this baby in October.

Things are coming together in our house! Which is great. They are also coming together outside....landscaping, plants, etc. Slowly but surely.....which is amazing. Most credit goes to Chris, who is in school full time and working full time, and yet manages our home and our marriage with such care. I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man! He takes such good care of me and provides financially and emotionally. I am so glad I have that security. Over the past five months, our marriage has really blossomed and has flourished and I think that the miscarriages actually made us stronger.

Anyway, that's a lot of rambling....out of my pregnant brain...

But things are good. And I have quite a few quiet days at work so that's awesome too. Things were hectic for awhile so I wasn't sure what to expect...but they settled!

That's it....

~Shannon

almost 19 weeks

I am almost 19 weeks pregnant.

It's surreal.

~Shannon

18 weeks pregnant

Why does 18 sound like more than 17?

I guess it is...

But wow.

Today I'm 18 weeks pregnant.

Thank you, Lord.

~Shannon

Every milestone

I just have to say...

Because this is my place to share things...

Every milestone with this baby makes me miss Samantha, Dominic, and Noah a whole lot.

A whole lot.

Because I missed out on all of theirs.

And no, it doesn't make me feel better that I wouldn't have Sprout if it wasn't for their losses. I could never choose between two of my children and putting them in the fate of time box doesn't make me feel better. My heart, regardless of reality, wants all four of our children in our home now...but that's not how life is.

Anyhow, I feel a little better now that I shared this. It's good to be real here.

~Shannon

~Shannon

Little blessings

The baby room is painted. Soon to become a true nursery...as furniture and things fill it up!

Chris and I have a good plan for child care figured out between the two of us. We really didn't want to have to use outside childcare, not even family or friends too often....We really wanted to, as parents, provide this baby care ourselves, as much as possible. He will be doing nursing school part time and I will be working part-time. This will be a good transition for both of us, I think, allowing all three of us to have time as a family...as well as allowing our child sufficient parental attention.

We have our registry done. Wow.

Our twenty week ultrasound is set up.

We have started talking about baptism, godparents, names, etc.

We are moving in the right direction of baby-hood. This is a blessing!

~Shannon

18 weeks pregnant

Tomorrow I will be eighteen weeks pregnant.

That's thrilling.

And yet, I'm still terrified something is wrong.

Why? Nothing has been wrong. I'm still afraid that something is wrong....

I'm hoping all is well...

I'm so grateful for my husband, my sister B, and my best friends...because with them....JUST knowing that they care and they seem to 'get it' better than the average person helps me.......I love them. So much.

But every day is a day closer.
~Shannon

In sixth months it might all be different

In six months, it might all be different.

I'm scared to believe that.

But I'm hoping it's true.

I had a dentist appointment today. When I was done with my cleaning, I went to schedule my next appointment in six months. Which was the beginning of November. I was amazed to think that at the time I would be getting the next cleaning, I could have a tiny baby! A baby! A baby! It kind of excited me...

So it made me realize that we are slowly trekking through this pregnancy and every day is a day closer to holding little Sprout.

~Shannon

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was hard. I didn't comment on it before. I kind of just let it sneak up on me. Yesterday, I cried on and off....I called my best friend, B, and shared a little of how I was feeling and then when Chris came home from work...I cried on his shoulder. He reassured me that it was okay to cry and be sad every once in awhile. I didn't let it consume me so that's good. I'm learning to take care of myself. For example, yesterday, I knew it was going to be hard so I didn't make plans. Yes, sometimes plans are good. But I took the time to paint both my fingernails and toenails a lovely shade of summery pink. I laid out on our deck and read a novel. I enjoyed eating fresh fruit and bought a maternity shirt at the mall. I had a couple of nice phone calls, snuggled with my cats, and reflected on God's goodness. It was a day filled with little blessings and God's grace was sufficient to get me through.

Saturday night, Chris and I had gone to church...since he had to work on Sunday. As I skimmed through our bulletin at the beginning of the service, I was a little emotional. There was a Mother's Day prayer that all moms were supposed to speak. I felt overwhelmed. Was I a mom? I know in my heart I am...but I didn't want to overstep my bounds and weird out the people around me. If Samantha had been born, she'd already be here....but she's not. Dominic and Noah are in heaven. And Sprout's still inside of me. Talk about confusion. Chris, oh dear sweet husband he is, said to me that yes, I was a mom, and yes, I should say the prayer. No ifs, ands, or buts. Okay, but I still felt funny. Then our pastor, during the offering, came over to me and asked if I would start the Mother's Day prayer. I cried and then said yes. Then he announced that I would be leading, as the newest mom amongst them, and that the other mom should join in with me. They did and that was really special for me. Chris and I both loved our pastor dearly in that moment! He took a hurting situation and turned it into a healing one!

Anyhow, that's how the day went......I can't say my heart didn't hurt....because it did. But like Chris said...given our experiences...that's normal.

~Shannon

17 weeks pregnant tomorrow

Tomorrow I will be 17 weeks pregnant. We're excited because LAST weekend, I started to feel wiggles and flutters. That was so cool. I don't feel it all the time but it's there. Our baby Sprout is wiggling.

I can't help but wonder though...how different the pregnancy process would be if I had never miscarried. Then I realize too...in our situation, we wouldn't have Sprout inside of me....if we had never lost Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. The beauty of it is that we don't have to analyze and choose what our reality should be. We just have to accept what it is. And we do love this baby a lot too.

We're getting ready for the ultrasound in between 18-20 weeks so that'll be coming up. I'm nervous about that because you never know what can be wrong. But we are praying and trusting God. He has never left our side before so whatever, healthy or even if something is noted on the ultrasound, we still know that He will    be our God and He holds the universe in His hands.

That's reassuring.
~Shannon