Baby pics

A 13 week old baby (I was about 13 weeks along when I found I had miscarried....)


This is a 9 week old in-utero baby (I don't like to call it a fetus) which is the size Samantha measured in at.

Anyhow, do you see the tiny detailed features? They are lovely and beautiful and human! My little Samantha was certainly a person.

~Shannon

Dear Samantha

Dear Samantha,

Today your Mommy is having a happy day. I can think about you without crying and I consider that pure joy. But don't think that Mommy and Daddy don't miss you. We do. We talk about you every day. We share how much we love you and how much we miss you. Today I listened to Lonestar's song 'Not A Day Goes By' and I was reminded again that not a day has passed where you have not been on my mind and my heart. I love you so much.

Right now, we are praying for God to bring us your brother or sister. It makes me a little sad that you won't be here to play with them and grow up with them but we are trusting God's will. However, it is our full intent to raise them so they know Jesus Christ as their Savior and will be joining you someday in heaven. It'll be an awesome family reunion.

Today I think about how far along I would have been. Someone I know just had a baby. A beautiful little girl. I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to deliver you, hold you, and look into your eyes for the first time. I think people think that miscarriage makes it easier but I crave just one minute with you. Because I lose you so early, I have no tangible memories. That's the hardest part. I can't wait until I finally hold you.

Samantha, tell Jesus how much Mommy loves him! He's the best friend of all and He's even better than I am to be with. So while I miss you, I know that you are safe and secure.

I love you with all my heart and I always will.
~Mommy


Jesus, if you can share with Samantha, please do. Tell her we love her. It is pure joy that she was given to us even though her loss created sorrow. We wouldn't have had it any other way because we believe this is your will.
~Shannon

Distanced because I miscarried?

There is one person in my life that I am frustrated with. She's not one of my best friends. She's not part of our family. But she was one of my close friends and she is also pregnant. When we were both pregnant, it was great. Since I had the miscarriage, she's distanced herself from me. She's the only one who has done that. I can't decide if it's because she doesn't want my pain to contaminate her joy or if she doesn't want to her joy to increase my pain by talking to me. I'm not sure. The thing is two of my very best friends are pregnant and they have been fantastic about the whole thing. They have shared with me but also empathized with my pain and yet, I have been delighted and able to rejoice with them over the little people growing inside of them! What a blessing life is! Anyhow, I just thought about this today and I got a wee bit frustrated. I know, I know, you are probably thinking I shouldn't let it get to me....and I'm not! But I needed to vent and this is MY blog (lol) so I decided this was the place to do it.

~Shannon

Joy

I have been really reflective today. I have also been filled with peace and joy. God is so good. I love that I can feel His healing.

Today, I have been reflecting on Mary's visit to Elizabeth and Mary's song. These accounts in Luke are particularly touching to me this year and I think it's because of my experience with Samantha Peep. We focused on them yesterday in church and they have just spoken tremendously to me.

From Luke 1: 39-56:

Mary Visits Elizabeth
 ³⁹ At that time Mary got ready and hurried to a town in the hill country of Judea, ⁴⁰ where she entered Zechariah’s home and greeted Elizabeth. ⁴¹ When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. ⁴² In a loud voice she exclaimed: “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! ⁴³ But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? ⁴⁴ As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. ⁴⁵ Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!”

Mary’s Song
 ⁴⁶ And Mary said:
   “My soul glorifies the Lord
 ⁴⁷ and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
⁴⁸ for he has been mindful
   of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
 ⁴⁹ for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
   holy is his name.
⁵⁰ His mercy extends to those who fear him,
   from generation to generation.
⁵¹ He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
   he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
⁵² He has brought down rulers from their thrones
   but has lifted up the humble.
⁵³ He has filled the hungry with good things
   but has sent the rich away empty.
⁵⁴ He has helped his servant Israel,
   remembering to be merciful
⁵⁵ to Abraham and his descendants forever,
   just as he promised our ancestors.”
 ⁵⁶ Mary stayed with Elizabeth for about three months and then returned home.
 
I read such joy in Mary's song. She is filled with the joy of the Lord and as I read what she proclaims, I find that of course she is filled with such joy! The Lord is good! He is faithful and awesome. He keeps His promises. Why not praise Him? Mary is not afraid because of being an unwed mother or her responsibilities. She is content to praise our Lord. Now, I don't come from a Catholic background and I don't believe that Mary is sinless but in the same way, I have learned from Job, I am learning from Mary how to fear, revere, and rejoice in the Lord.
 
God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good!
 
~Shannon

Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Today it is a struggle to be thankful but at the same time, it comes easy to be thankful when I reflect on the blessings that I have been given. I am loved by many, in the past year blessed by Samantha, and have been blessed by God's grace and mercy and eternal love. Could it be better than that? That's when I start to find myself being ungrateful. I want my baby! But I trust that God has truly taken care of  all things and has kept His promise to provide for us and so I can't really be mad. I just can't. God is so good.

Last night, Chris and I celebrated. We enjoyed an awesome turkey breast roasted in the oven, green bean and corn casserole, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and jello (with mandarin oranges and marshmallows in it!) and it was neat for me to make our first "classic" holiday meal. We were pretty excited. Then we played Madden football on the PS2 and played Lions versus Colts. We were recreating the tradition my family has every year of watching the Lions on TV....losing! In true fashion, Chris and I lost to the Colts...Our phrase throughout the game was "It's okay that we are losing. We are the Lions. The Lions are SUPPOSED to lose. Happy Thanksgiving." He he....Good times. Then we started writing some music and lyrics together. It was pretty exciting when we actually kind of got some songs going. We are doing this just for fun as a spiritual worship creative activity that the two of us can engage in. It's neat though.

Today, I missed Samantha. I think it's hard for me not to be pregnant right now. With the celebratory nature of things around us, I want to be overjoyed. And don't get me wrong, I am blessed but I am still sad too! I suppose that is understandable. Yesterday, I heard an awesome reminder on K-love that Jesus was called a 'man of sorrows' and that He suffered many things. That reassured me. After all, I'm not grieving as one who is lost but grieving with hope. It is only human that I would miss my child.

Blessings and Happy Thanksgiving!
Shannon

Weekend of blessings

I am certain that I will write more about the past weekend in the next few days but right now, I want to say that God is so good and He truly blessed me on our trip to Nashville for the youth workers convention that Chris and I attended with three others from our church. First of all, B, D, and C are all fantastic Godly women. They are loving and sweet and awesome people! So I shouldn't have been nervous....but God truly blessed our time together and He blessed our conversation. I have to say that this weekend was very therapeutic for me. Here's some ways I was blessed:

1) Bonding...truly bonding with C, B, and D. B and D are my age too and that is such a blessing. I have been praying for godly women to come into my life that I could develop deep friendships with. This and they are truly an answer to my prayers and some of the prayers that my best friends prayed for me too.

2) Prayer. Oh my goodness, prayer. I spent so much time in God's presence this weekend and it was incredible. I walked through fifteen stations of the cross on a contemplative prayer journey. I checked out Taize (a monastic reflective worship style) worship which is an incredible contemplative meditation and prayer worship time. I did prayer through creative art and prayed in different body positions. It was a blessing to me to simply spend time God in many different ways but to simply focus on Him. I am seriously thinking about turning our basement into a prayer chapel. I think that it would be incredible to have a cozy and relaxing place to just purposefully go and spend time with Jesus. You know?

3) Worship. It. Was. Incredible. Starfield was the group that I liked the most in their style of leading worship. We poured out our hearts and really sang how much we just, quite simply, loved Jesus because He is awesome and incredible. When I worship, it's also a blessing to me to believe that Samantha is in the very presence of God and that she is worshipping Him too! I can't wait until heaven calls. When I am worshipping, I realize that is what I made to do. There's no other time I feel this way.

4) Marital growth. Chris and I had some really good, reflective talks and grew tremendously.

5) Laughter...oh the stories that I will laugh about for years!

Anyhow, that's all I have time to write about right now but it was a fantasmic weekend. God is so good. He is so faithful. D, B, C, and Chris, thank you being joyful, tender, healing balm to my wounded spirit. Thank you letting God use you. I am so blessed!
(Love,)
~Shannon

Agitation

I am feeling slightly stressed. I have been doing really well lately but lately I have spent a lot of time at home. Well, tonight we are leaving to go out of town and I am really agitated about this. I know, logically, that I will have a good time. We are going to a conference and going with three others from our church whom we love but I am still stressed. Please pray for me as this will be a growing weekend. I also feel away from Samantha because all her things are at home. Maybe I should take something with me. Anyhow, prayers are appreciated.
~Shannon

Beautiful words from my sister

Sometimes love lasts a moment.
Sometimes love lasts a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.
Still missing you, Samantha. ♥
~B.N.M.

I had to copy that from my sister's Facebook. She put this up last week and I thought it was the sweetest, incredibly beautiful, and yet concise message. I miss Samantha still. I always will.

I love you, Brit.

~Shannon

Who Will Love Me For Me?

This morning I was blessed to hear JJ Heller's song Love Me on the radio. The lyrics touched my heart:

He cries in the corner
Where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story
No one would believe
He prays every night
Dear God, won't you please
Could you send someone here
Who will love me

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me
What love
Love really means

Her office is shrinking
a little each day
She's the woman
Whose husband has run away
She'll go the gym
After working today
Maybe if she was thinner
He would've stayed

And she says
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
Love really means

He's waiting to die
as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell
who regrets what's he done
He utters a cry
from the depths of his soul
Oh, Lord, forgive me,
I want to go home
And he heard a voice
Somewhere deep inside
And it said
I know you've murdered
I know you've lied
I have watched you suffer
All of your life
And now that you'll listen
I'll, I'll tell you that I

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give the love
The love that you never knew

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give the love
The love that you never knew

Is that not a beautiful song/story? It so touched my heart. Even though I am blessed to have many people love me, I believe that our humanly love can never compare to the perfect unfailing love of God. He loves us so simply just because we are His. Could it be more simple and innocent? How wonderful is that.

Three things struck me as I listened to that song. First, that God loves me immensely and intensely. He loves me in spite of my wrong and not for my right. He loves me with the little I've accomplished and not for what is to come. He just loves ME. Me. Simply me. This was such a beautiful blessing for me to realize because I spend so much time trying to be loved.  Love doesn't try. It just does. It brought me such joy to realize that.

The next thing I realized is how I have failed my poor husband. I used to ask him why he loved me. I wasn't this size or pretty enough. I wasn't as smart as some people or as funny as someone else. I'm clumsy, I'm careless, and I'm hyper at times. How could he love me? He used to answer....I just love YOU, honey, I don't know the specifics but I do and I will love you forever. I actually used to get frustrated with that. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me with makeup or that he preferred the au naturale look. I wanted him to say I like your natural blonde hair or I prefer it dyed. I wanted him to say that he liked me dressed up or that he liked my sense of style. Or that maybe, just maybe, it was my intelligence or wit or something specific! He has told me what attracted him to me in the first place but other than that, he just says he loves ME...the culmination of all that I am. This morning I realized how much I loved him for that. He has never judged me on a size. He likes me in my glasses or my contacts. He doesn't care if I screw up at work or have a bad day. When I am laughing or crying, his love is generally consistent. Now, I am not saying my husband is a perfect man (sorry, honey!) but he is a good man and I just realized how amazing and important that unconditional general love that he has for me is. Because when I was listening to this song, I realized how badly we want people to love us for us. Then I realized that God and Chris loved me that way and I was so blessed. I am certain that others have or try to love me like that too but I am so reassured by their love for me as me.

The last thing this song reminded me of was that Samantha Peep was loved simply because she was. She existed, she was our daughter, and that was all that we needed to love her. I don't know what she looked like, what her personality woud have been like, what she would have or could have done, but I know this. She was God's child and His awesome and incredible creation of life and quite simply, that calls for love. I hope to remember to love like that always, especially with our future children. To love them just because.

Who will love you for you? Jesus already does. Enough to die for you. Could He do more than that?

I will love you for you, too, if you need to be truly loved.

 ~Shannon

Manageable Tears

Manageable tears. Is that a strange title for my post? Oh well...it will make sense by the end of this if you read it. Last night, tears came. They were not filled with as much pain and emotion as they were right after I miscarried. No, these tears felt manageable. What led to these tears?

Chris's friend Brian called us last night to tell that a local Christian radio station had a female pastor on talking about miscarriages and that we might want to tune into it. We opted to do just that. Sitting on the couch in our living room, we caught the last five minutes of a broadcast about the pain that miscarriage often causes and how that pain lingers even when people forget about it. We also listened to a woman who had been through a miscarriage beautifully and poignantly tell something that blessed her. She so reflected on my heart by saying what happens when we miscarry is that we wonder about our baby and salvation and the relationship God had with our unborn child. She talked about Psalms where it says that we knit together in the womb and also how we are sinful from conception. The part that blessed me the most, though, was when she referenced the Gospel and when John (still unborn, inside Elizabeth) leapt with the working of the Holy Spirit when he recognized that Jesus was present inside of Mary. While I had been aware of this passage before and it had brought me comfort, it significantly blessed me when this woman shared that this tiny unborn baby had the ability to respond to the workings of the Holy Spirit and to realize that God had done something majestic and wonderful! Baby John was able to respond to the Lord from within the womb. My sweet Samantha (as well as other unborn children!) can certainly know Jesus. The woman on the radio wrapped up her conversation by saying that the God who knit them in their mother's womb is certainly the God of these babies and we can entrust them to Him. It was such a beautiful and reassuring feeling. Certainly, I still miss Samantha, however, I am finding more and more peace as I process. I love knowing, too, that she is ahead of me. I am not leaving her behind, rather she is at the end of my life and when I get to heaven, she'll be there. She's just ahead of me.

As we neared the end of the broadcast, my deep thoughts turned to tears. I wept but they were manageable tears. They were sorrow mingled with joy and that was okay. I felt God's presence right there and it was okay.

I'm okay. I will be okay. God is so good. He has always kept His promises. I praise Him for being the awesome God that He is!

~Shannon

Marriage blessings

I love my husband. He promised he'd stick by me and never leave me when we were married. He has kept his word and I love him for it. I am so blessed. I have to remember that God has given me so many good things! Thank you, Christopher, for not just sticking it out with me but also loving me these past eight weeks. It means more than you will ever know. I am blessed.

And thank you, Lord, for blessing our marriage. We are only as strong as we are because you are our third cord. You are an awesome God. Keep growing us for your will.

~Shannon

The gift of laughter

Last night and this morning, God gave me a gift. The gift of laughter. I think between last night and this morning, I have laughed more, and harder than I have in the past eight weeks. I had an appointment with J last night. She is such a blessing to me. God is good.

After my appointment, however, I had a little adventure. Somehow I went the wrong way on the highway! I went north instead of south. Instead of being half an hour to get home, it took me an hour and a half! I didn't realize what I had done until I had gone twenty miles the wrong direction. I've been doing that kind of thing quite regularly lately. My concentration is not the greatest! However, when I realized what I had done, instead of crying, I laughed it off. I was talking to one of my best friends S on the phone at the time. After I got off the phone with her and turned around, I listened to some worship music and just spent some time soaking in the goodness of God. I was a little frustrated but I didn't let it get to me.

When I got home, I prepared dinner. S had said her and A were having chicken fajitas which sounded good so I ended up making chicken and black bean tacos. It worked out well. Chris came home and we had a really good dinner. We had a lot of fun teasing and laughing. Even at bedtime, Chris was a riot! His sense of humor was turned on high! He had me giggling like crazy! Then I'd say things like "You're so funny....honey!" which rhymed and I'd laugh harder! I laughed like a small child. It was wonderful. Then we slept....when I got up this morning, I was in a great mood and so was he. We laughed more and more as I got ready and even while he was dropping me off, we were laughing still! He told me last night that I was impish. I was like "I'm impish like a little elf!" This morning I was certainly feeling impish. Here's a photo of me that screams impish!

Anyhow, in the midst of this laughter, I thought of Samantha but for the first time (thank you, Lord!) there wasn't pain attached. I just thought of how much I loved her and how glad I was that God had given her to me even though I never held her here. There's a vast heaven and eternity with Samantha in it that waits for me. Someday I'll get there. For now, I'm learning to be content in the moment. So I thought of Samantha when I looked at a lovely picture of her and Jesus made for me by my dear friend B. But I just smiled. Then when we passed the hospital where I had the D&C, I wasn't sad. I was in one of my laughing moments and I thought how glad I was, even though I had miscarried, that God had given me Samantha, and that He was using this for His glory. I am content to be His and glorify Him because I know that I am nothing without Him!

Praise God, for turning mourning into joy! Thank you for laughter, Lord! You are so good. You are faithful.

~Shannon

Saturday Night Live (but not SNL)

It was Saturday Night Live but not SNL. What do I mean by that? Well, after having a really good Friday and Saturday so far, Saturday night arrived. I think there was an omen that I was going to have a meltdown when I felt inspired to cook dinner--INDIAN inspired style. We like Indian food in restaurants but haven't really figured it out at home. Anyhow, I made this perch (fish) and broccoli dish with lots of curry and was planning on serving it over pasta. I know, I know, true Indian should go with rice, right? Well, I was Shannon Schroeder, chef of Creative Cooking at Home, a new show premiered on Food Network. Well, at least in my head. Unfortunately in real life, we had to eat my creative cooking which turned out to be absolutely disgusting! I tried to pretend I liked it in hopes that Chris would like it! Haha! That did not happen. Anyhow, my only saving grace was that I had saved some of the pasta noodles when I realized there was a possibility that we wouldn't like the fish "gunk". So I took the plain noodles and buttered them and put Italian seasoning on them. We finished our salads and noodles and there were no remnants of the tragedy other than the curry smell that penetrated our home for the rest of the weekend.

I feel the need to intercede and tell everyone that in general, I'm a really good cook. But don't ask me to cook Indian and don't ask me to bake. Ovens and I do not get along. However, having said that, I will now continue on with my adventures.

Saturday after dinner, we were sitting in the living room. I was looking at the Samantha Peep coffee table. I call it that because it's covered in Samantha's things. I was doing relatively well despite the dinner adventure. I thought that perhaps I was ready to pack up her things. So I started doing that, just randomly, out of the blue. Chris looks me and is like "Honey? What are you doing?" and I'm like "I think I'm ready to pack up her things." Now here's the part that makes me laugh at myself a little. Why did I not think this would be difficult? I thought it would be easy and that is why I laugh. Because now I'm like...silly me, why did I think it would be easy? At the time though, it didn't seem that way. So I put the cards into an oversized envelope I'd decorated. Then all of a sudden, BAM...the tears came....and came...and I sobbed. Chris held me for a long time. I cried and cried and cried. Finally I got composed a little. I decided that I'd done enough that night and that it was good enough that I had even thought about packing up her things and had started. That was tough. But I did it! I'm stronger than I think.

Then....God pulled another surprise on me. I got a phone call from R, who is one of my best friends. R and I chatted for a minute and I asked what was new with her and she told me she had exciting news. It was at that moment that I then realized that she was pregnant. She told me she was about eight weeks along when I asked. I was so happy for her, I really was. But then I got off the phone and I sobbed hysterically. I had already been fragile and I was so angry and so hurt and so sad. I was not mad at R (happy for her!) but at God. Could His timing have been worse? Couldn't He know that this was not the right time? I wished I hadn't asked how far along she was. Eight weeks ago, I lost Samantha and eight weeks ago, she got a baby. I can't be jealous. I have to trust that this is God's will. I cried and cried and cried until I finally cried myself to exhaustion and even though it was only eight-thirty PM, I was so tired and went to bed. I slept for eleven hours.

When I awoke, I felt a little better but not much. I had to go and teach Sunday School (a lesson on hell) and that was difficult. However, had I not been needed to teach, I wouldn't have been at church yesterday and I think God wanted me there. Two wonderful women at my church, J and S, were such a comfort to me just being in there presence. S sat with me and I wasn't alone even though Chris was at work and J was behind me. Their hugs and comforting words gave me the tender love I needed right then and there and I knew that God hadn't forgotten me and I knew that how I felt wasn't because He didn't care.

I enjoyed worshipping Sunday and I was reminded again while I was enthralled by Jesus and His great sacrifice that it is not all about me. No, it's all about Him and I have to be reminded of and convicted by that thought every single day because we live a world where it's so easy to become self-centered, self-reliant, and self-consumed. I don't want to live in that world. I want to continue striving to glorify God. It's not all about me. It's not even all about sweet Samantha, though she is a blessing from God. No, it is all about the baby who came at Christmas time, who left His splendor willingly, and came to one day die to save us. When I remember that, it puts it all in perspective and I know that a God that loves me that much would never hurt me. As my dear friend E always says "God is love. To be anything other than love would go against His very nature." I love to reflect on that. God is love. He is good. He loves me and He promises to make it all work for good.

This morning, on my way into work, I was listening to K-love (check them out! awesome Christian radio station all around the nation) and I heard Mark Schulz's song He Will Carry Me. It's a beautiful song, one that I have loved for a long time. However, the lyrics especially stood out to me today, having had one of those bittersweet weekends. Here's the words:

I call
You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You're strong
I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still you're with me


And even though I'm walking through
the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me


I know I'm broken
But you alone can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

And even though I'm walking through
the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
whose love will comfort me
When all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I never have before
You never said it would be easy
But you said you'd see me through the storm

And even though I'm walking through
the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
whose love will comfort me
When all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I praise you, Lord, because I know that you have carried me all my life, even while I carried Samantha, and after she went to you. I trust that you will continue to carry me. Lord, heal my mind with your peace and bring your strength when I am weary. Lord, I pray that you would remind me that you have always kept your promises and that this time will be no different. You never said it would be easy but you have seen me through. I praise you for that. I love you, Jesus.

Whatever you are facing today, remember He will carry you.

~Shannon

Time together

So here's my life update. I had a really awesome time on Friday night with my husband. We baked and frosted a cake to take to lunch with my sister-in-law and her fiance on Saturday. They had asked us to bring dessert. We had a good time baking, frosting, and sprinkling. Not that sprinkling is a word but well, you know! We watched our Netflix DVD of Bones....which was awesome! I worked on our Christmas letter and am super excited by how early I got it done! It was a really good Friday night.

Saturday we went to Max's home to have lunch with him and Heather. The double date atmosphere was super fun. We talked about wedding things and Max and Chris enjoyed Max's NERF gun which was awesome fun-tastic. I said to Heather while we were doing dishes after lunch that I liked being a grown-up with her now being a grown-up! It was neat though. This adulthood thing is still evolving and changing and growing even though I'm twenty-five. It's just so different to be in control over your own life than to rely on my parents. Not that I don't love our parents because I do! But it's just different and good. We had a great time. Then we went to a thrift store and found a couple of things we liked to help decorate our kitchen a little more. That was super exciting too!

So that was our time together that was much needed. Saturday night was a bit of an adventure though....so that will be in the next post.

~Shannon

Perception?

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So sometimes I get terribly perplexed by my perception. I often see myself as a highly unattractive, fat, gross person whom no one can love. When I am getting ready, I don't feel like I could be beautiful at all. However, sometimes I am surprised then, by a picture of me..that I don't think is terrible and reminded again that my perception is off. This being the case. I'm pretty sure most of you would agree that I am not an ugly ogre so quite simply and realistically, it must be my perception that is off. I think my perception of things is a huge part of what I sometimes struggle with. I can be highly unrealistic.

~Shannon

The purple elephant in the middle of the room

Denial is like the purple elephant in the middle of the room that everyone is pretending doesn't exist. We used to say that back when I was part of our church's Celebrate Recovery group. At first, it sounds so crazy but then you realize how true it is. How often do we pretend that there is not a problem when there are obvious signs that there are? I know even I am guilty of not seeing things I don't want to see or not dealing with things I don't want to deal with. It's part of what has kept me from dealing with some of the struggles in my life. I haven't felt free to express how I feel. Instead you have to keep up an image. Why? To look good but since looks don't really matter....or shouldn't...why do that?

I am done with that. I am not going to sit quietly anymore when I am upset. I am going to tell someone. I am not going to be a victim. I will share what has happened to me and I will do something about it so that I am not keeping that hurt inside. My sister, Brittany, put it so well. She said I try to be such a joyful person but I am just keeping the hurt inside because I don't feel like complaining. It's totally true. I don't want to be negative. Sometimes I know how to share but very few people I feel like are comfortable with listening to the hard stuff.

Anyhow, a purple elephant's pretty hard to miss. Why not take a stroll over and show that elephant the way to the door. He's not going to walk out on his own so stop pretending he's not there and make space for something else in your life.

~Shannon

A bit of a respite

I am happy to announce that even though Tuesday through Wednesday afternoon things were an emotional adventure, by last night, I had settled back more into me. I almost swear that I can feel my medication kicking in and stabilizing my emotions. In fact today, I feel better than I have felt any day since the miscarriage. That's crazy but awesome good! God is so good!

Last night, we went to a youth group party. Talk about fun! It was a costume party. Chris borrowed a Darth Vader costume from his dad. He asked if I wanted to borrow Princess Leia...I was like not so much! I would much rather be Padame and also because I am well-endowed, store costumes usually don't fit my chest well! Oh well! I went to the dollar store and had a super fun time picking out fairy wings, fake flowers, and some sort of ivy garland. I wore a white top and white sweater and put on the green wings, stuffed the fake flowers in my hair. I put the garland around my neck and just draped it down. I painted my face/made up my face and eyes with lots of bright colors and topped it all off with glitter. I was a garden fairy!!!! It was super fun for me. I needed something fun like that to focus on to get my mood back on track I think.

At the party, things went fine, and afterward, we actually did okay. Driving gave Chris and I the opportunity to talk and I was able to explain things from perspective and why I've been shutting down these past few days. I was also able to see things from his angle. I was able to share how he could help me because he feels helpless which I think causes extra tension on us. Somewhere deep inside, I do believe that man loves me, but I fight so hard to accept that! I can be so darn difficult sometimes....I get frustrated with myself. I think though that J is the right person to help. Crazy C whom I was seeing before J was really not helping! Probably actually made things worse! So J is a blessing.

If you see me and I have red marker on my arms, don't be appalled. It means that instead of hurting myself, I drew on myself...and while that might seem crazy it's still healthier and better than cutting. Hopefully I will get to a point where I don't ever want to do that again!!!

~Shannon

Meltdowns

No lies. I am just going to tell it like it is. Last night, I had a total meltdown. Many of you know I struggle with post traumatic stress due to something (or things) difficult (of a sexual nature) that happened to me when I was teenager. Many of you don't know that. Now you do. It was this time of year that it occurred and I have a lot of issues with flashbacks and emotional struggles. Last night was no exception. I had a big inspection at work yesterday and while that went well, it had been a stressful day with not a lot of sleep. What you may not realize is that even when I'm doing quite well, I'm only one step away from not doing well. There is no straw that broke the camel's back situation. Quite simply, one straw and I'm broken. I am emotionally fragile, functioning since the miscarriage, but still dealing with quite a bit of emotional circumstances.

So last night, Chris comes home from work. It's an early day for him. He's home around 4:30 PM. That's fine and dandy except he's had a rough day and is burned out. He is not mean to me but he is not exactly joyful either. After an hour of silence in our house, I start to spaz. I want to hurt myself. I take a walk. It doesn't help. We get into a bit of a disagreement, I head upstairs, and finally, I cut myself. I've wanted to do this for an hour and a half. I can't hold off any longer. I don't cut myself often anymore. It's not like what it was when I was a teenager. The problem is that I tend to alternate between cutting and purging. I need to try to break the eating disorder as well as the self-injury habit. I know that. Anyhow, I make a few lines across my upper forearm. I set down the blade I'm using and then thirty seconds later Chris walks in. He says "I'm home from work" and comes to hug me. I know what's he is trying to do is say that he wanted to make his homecoming a little nicer and be more loving to me. But I look at him and now I'm hysterical. I tell him he's too late and I've already cut myself. Anyhow, this leads into a deep and long argument in which I suddenly regress to thirteen year old Shannon and then five year old Shannon. We finally get through my attitude in which I just melt down into a traumatized and terrified teenager so is covering her out of control feelings with irritability. We deal with the immediate issue at hand and I call J, my therapist, and leave her a voicemail. Then we go to bed.

This morning a whole 'nother slew of issues come up and I have a meltdown again. Chris walks out of our bedroom frustrated. I call J again and this time she answers. We agree that we need to up my medication dosage and both of us agree to get in touch with  my doctor. Dr. F. agrees to double the meds and I start taking two this morning instead of one. J says that I will feel better even sooner because I've already been taking this medication so it won't take as long to take effect. I hope she's right. Granted, I am starting to feel a little better already and it's only been hours so we'll just see. There's just so much going on in my head right now. Losing Samantha, the traumatic sexual events......these can be overwhelming coupled with Seasonal Affective Disorder. My lab is in a basement too! No sunlight down here which doesn't help.

Anyhow, for now, I trek on. Please keep me in your prayers.

~Shannon

Samantha's Story

Samantha's Story

By Shannon Schroeder

It was a warm summer Saturday

When I took the test

After two minutes passed

It was not what I'd expect

There were two lines showing

Indicating I was with child

My mind turned to panic

And my emotions went wild

I couldn't wait to tell Daddy

So I called and told him the news

He was ecstatic about the pregnancy

Delighted about you

While I was filled with fear

He promised God would provide

So I tried to be tough and brave

And prayed to our Heavenly guide

After a few ups and downs

And a few twists and turns

I was excited to have you

Despite my nausea and heartburn

But then something went wrong

And we found out you were gone

That now you live with Jesus

It left me feeling withdrawn

First my heart broken in two

Then it broke again and again

I thought I'd never feel better

But finally then

God started to heal us and

He granted us some peace

He has given us true comfort

And from our pain we are released

Now all we can do is look ahead

And until then we pray

When Mommy and Daddy, Samantha and Jesus

Will all be together that day

Beauty for Ashes

Isaiah 61: 1-3 He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Tell me how beautiful those words are and what comfort they bring. Today I was captivated by the phrase 'beauty from ashes.' I knew that it was Biblical but yet was not certain as to where it came from in the Bible. After finding these words, written by the prophet Isaiah, I was so comforted and the Lord blessed me with His peace which surpasses all understanding. How awesome our God is! Let me tell what I've learned.

Let's start with binding up the brokenhearted, proclaiming freedom, and restoring light where there is darkness. Being one who has suffered with brokenheartedness many times in my life, I am blessed to know that God can bind that pain and suffering in the awesome work of Jesus and with His power. He can take away that brokenness and when he does, He grants us true freedom and transforms our darkness into pure light. Since losing sweet Samantha, I have begun to find true healing. There is still sadness but there is also joy and peace underneath it all. I believe that is more than okay. God allows us to be human and to feel emotions. Since we were meant to live in a perfect world, I believe grieving and sadness remind us of what we should have had and because of sin, do not yet have. After my miscarriage, there was truly darkness surrounding me. I couldn't hear the voice of Jesus but yet I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in the silence and I knew God had not abandoned me. He was just there, His silent presence comforting me more than words probably could have because sometimes we don't get answers (or we don't get them until later) no matter how much we ask for them. Seven weeks later, I now know that I was in a dark fog after the miscarriage and I believe that fog is finally gone. The fact that I now realize how dark I felt after the miscarriage shows that I am outside of that darkness. For while I was inside, I had no idea what I was trapped in. It distorted my perceptions and my views. But now, I can see clearly again.

Comforting those who mourn, providing for those who grieve...that is the next section of Isaiah that blesses my heart. I have been so blessed with my Father's provision these  past few months and it reminds me that actually I have been provided for my whole life. God has never given me more than I can bear and He has been there every step of the way. In that provision, He has also blessed with me with numerous comforters and many of wise counsel. I am so blessed to have family, friends, family in Christ, and a wonderful system of pastors, my counselor, and wonderful doctors to carry me through this miscarriage. God has blessed me. So many people have shared their personal stories with me and it has truly blessed me.

Beauty for ashes. That's truly the phrase that captivated me the most. God will not only take Samantha and simply make me feel better someday. No, He will use her life and my experience to bring a beautiful testimony to His glory and to His name. I am content to sit back and wait for the beauty to emerge from the ashes. When I think of an image that illustrates this concept, I am drawn back to one of my favorite movies, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe from the Chronicles of Narnia. When young Lucy ends up in Narnia for the first time, she is drawn in by a fawn named Mr. Tumnus. She goes to his home. He plays a musical instrument while she is drinking tea and the music seems to bring little joyful dancing creatures to life in the fireplace. For me, I believe that is how life will be. There is a fire and there are ashes and right now it's painfully hot and the ashes are not pretty but when I least expect it, the ashes will be sculpted into something so beautiful and there will joyful dancing coming from the flames of my life. I hope (from an expectational standpoint) for this to come and trust that it will.

The last thing that drastically impacts me is the part where it says they will be oaks of righteousness. An oak tree is one of the strongest, most solid, trees there is in a forest. That shows me that God will strengthen me. That I will be refined in fire like silver is to remove my impurities. He will clothe me with His righteousness and make me strong. My strength will be unwavering because it comes from the Lord. How wonderful is that?

I am content to trust you, Lord. I wait upon your perfect timing and in your perfect will.

~Shannon