Best Friends

I was on the phone Sunday night with one of my very best friends in the world. We'll call her B. B and I were catching up and talking about many different things. We had an intense conversation talking about miscarriages to fear of infertility and adoption. At one point, I started rambling about Samantha and B (being the awesome friend she is) just listened. One of the things I shared that brings me comfort---this is just one version of a similar scene I've envisioned over and over again:

Sometimes I don't know how to envision heaven. Perhaps it is just angels and saints and a throne and singing praises every single moment. But perhaps it is more like the Garden of Eden where we worship God but He also walks amongst us and He talks with us. We don't just stand here singing but we live with Him. I have to believe (in my tiny mind) that it's more like that. God is so relational. When He made us, He made us to have a relationship with Him. Yes, to glorify Him, but also for relationship. Even when He made Adam, He saw a need for Eve. So if God is relational and just walks amongst us in heaven, I envision heaven to be a beautiful place. The creation we have now except it's perfect. There's no destruction and just perfect beauty. Jesus walks with His people. I envision being there sitting on a bench in some beautiful nook of woods with Samantha. I see her squirming happily. She's got long blonde hair and mischievious blue eyes. She is wearing a white dress. She's young but understands it all. As she squirms she says "Oh, Mommy! I am so glad you are here! I mean I've been so happy here but I am glad to meet you! I love it here. I love it all and most of all, I love Jesus. He's my very best friend." And I look up and behind me is Jesus. And He says "Can I sit with you guys?" And Jesus comes and He sits with us. Jesus, Mommy, and Samantha Peep are snuggling and hugging and laughing...and life is well, perfect. There's no fear in the back of my mind. No sadness (not one drop!) that this will come to an end. Nothing....it's just beautiful and perfect. Mommy, Samantha, and Jesus....and of course, Daddy comes and joins us too...

B sighed nicely said "That sounds so wonderful, Shannon." And then she said something that made me cry but truly delighted me. "Can I come and sit with you and my goddaughter too?" (B and J are the couple we would have asked to be godparents because they were so influential when I almost had an abortion...and I had shared that with her.) I teared up and "I would love that so much!"

And so we look forward to heaven....And dear God, thank you for best friends who love me and love my child just as she is, a precious child of God, even though we never met her!

~Shannon

Eating Disorder

I have to say that I can't wait to be pregnant again. One is for a totally selfish reason. When I was pregnant, I felt as though I was motivated to eat healthily and not to give into crazy purging techniques because I had a little baby in my care. But now, I'm left to fend on my own. I am still doing okay but it can be hard. I wish I had that motivation though....I have to remind myself that there are plenty of other motivators.

And I just miss you, Samantha.

Shannon

Didn't Light A Candle

Friday night, Chris and I went to a football game with his family. We had a good time. However, halfway there, Chris's alarm on his phone went off. We were both perplexed and then I said "Oh no! How can we light a candle for Samantha Peep at 7 PM if we are not home?!" I started hyperventilating. He told me to breathe. Then I calmed down. I had a realization.

My job now isn't to take care of Samantha Peep. Samantha is more than completely taken care of in God's hands. I did what I could do while our sweet baby was growing inside of my womb. But that's all I could do. Now my earthly work as her mom is done. However, my job is to take what I've learned and to bring glory to God and to witness.

When I realized this, I said "The only one who can make me feel guilty about not lighting a candle is ME. And I'm not going to make myself feel guilty. I'm out. I'm trying to live life and accept that God wants me here right now. So I'm not going to regret my life."

So...I have to remember that the only one who can make me feel guilty is me.

~Shannon

Doctor's Appointment

Yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment. Remember last week I had been nervous but needed some medication. My therapist, whom I will refer to as J, recommended me to Dr. F. She said she was great and easy to talk to. J also reassured me that I wouldn't have to get on the scale. She was right.

We got there and they did the standard things like height, temperature, blood pressure, and talked with the nurse. Then Dr. F came in. She was awesome. She was very easy to talk to and we dialogued about meds that are safe for pregnancy, etc. She put me on an antidepressant and an antihistamine to help me sleep again.

Anyhow, because I was so tough and brave (haha) Chris took me shopping. I found some clothes and a few other things. It was pretty awesome. But of course, when we passed the baby section in the store, my heart yearned and it hurt. I felt myself go numb for a minute and we just had to continue on. However, toward the end of our shopping, I did go back into that section. It still hurts...it's still painful but I trust that we will have more babies and also I have friends/family members having babies and we want to be able to celebrate in their joy because life is always joyful.

So I survived and I have some medicinal help. It'll take a couple of weeks to take effect and my hope is that it is short term but I will take it.

~Shannon

Today

Today is Official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. We will be lighting a candle at 7 PM tonight to remember sweet Samantha Peep. We will also remember all the other little babies lost around the world to other families. We pray God gives all of you peace.

~Shannon

Miscarried Babies

Is it bad that I wish that I had miscarried at home or asked to see my baby and remains of my uterus? On the ultrasound, Samantha Peep (though gone) finally looked more like a little person than she did at 6.7 weeks. It's driving me crazy. I kept trying to envision.

Today, I just did an image search on miscarried 9 week babies. I wanted to see what my little Samantha might have looked like. For some reason (which probably no one else gets) it brought me comfort, a little more closure, and peace, to see this sweet little baby all curled up...I envision her sleeping and resting and just having drifted and flown off to Jesus peacefully. It is my hope that is how her transition from earth to heaven was like that.

Love you, baby.

~Shannon

He will save me

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Thanks to E.E.J. who shared this with me. I like where it says 'saves those.' I like that.....a lot.

~Shannon

How I Really Feel

How do I really feel? I'm sitting here and laughing, trying to be normal...but in the back of my mind, I am angry. I am sad. I am grieving.

I want to scream.
I want to shout.
I want to yell.

But I don't do any of that. Why? Because it won't bring Samantha back. She's gone from this earth forever. So I figure no sense in fighting it. But I am so weary.

I know this is normal. I know I'm not crazy. My hormones are fluctuating....
but it doesn't make it feel any better.

Today, I read on another blog that this woman had recently passed the three year anniversary of her baby. I can't even imagine being there. She said that when people told her that time heals (back right after she miscarried) she didn't believe it. I feel that way. But she said that today she does believe it. Time does heal...not all things but it makes it easier. It is my hope that I will believe that soon enough myself.

I am supposed to be heading to Tennessee for a convention with our church in November. Chris is going too. I have been to this event twice before and I always enjoy it but this time I am apprehensive. I agreed to go and I will go. Otherwise, I will pay our church back but I am taking a leap of faith and believing that I will be okay. Somehow, I keep getting overstimulated and that stresses me out. I am apprehensive about the general events with loud bands and speakers. I will be okay with the smaller sessions but the loudness I fear. I prefer to sit in silence or just to listen to a song and softly sing along. I pray that God takes away this overstimulation. I know part of it is an overstimulation from the stress I am still feeling.

Perhaps time will make it better. That's all I can hold onto.

~Shannon

Knowing God Loves Me

Lamentations 3:22-24 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness.

Last night, I was working on Christmas presents that I am giving out this year. As I worked and created things, I was praying. I've been quiet lately. I used to talk on the phone, watch TV, prepare dinner, and weight lift all at the same time. Yeah right...now it's one or the other. Which I am okay with. I am more detail-oriented than I used to be too so no complaints there. As I sat, I prayed. I spend a lot of time in quiet communication and prayer with God now just needing His presence. I said "Lord, I just miss my baby. It hurts..." And I was surprised when He wasn't holier than thou with me and instead related and spoke to my heart and I said "I know it hurts. I lost my Son once and it hurt so badly."

I had forgotten all about that. God willingly gave up His only son and sacrificed Him for us. Could I have done that with Samantha Peep? I don't know that I could have...That's why I so desperately needed a Savior. My Heavenly Father did what I could never do. And He knows my hurt...He's been there. The thing that amazes me most is that He willingly chose that hurt to save the world. Willingly. Out of love. That's pretty deep.

I also loved that my prayer last night was so relational. I simply felt the Holy Spirit come and sit with me and just be with me. There was no condemning me for feeling the way I did. There was no lecturing. There was simply presence and peace. And gentle, loving, nurturing words. My heart still hurts but I felt it being held by God.

What A Friend We Have In Jesus (by Joseph Scriven, 1855)

What a friend we have in Jesus
All our sins and griefs to bear
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer
Oh what peace we often forfeit
Oh what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer

~Shannon

Who You'd Be Today

Kenny Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today"

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

Compassionate Friends

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Brochures/stillbirth_miscarriage_and_infant_death.aspx

Hey...check out that link to Compassionate Friends. This is their brochure/info on stillbirth/miscarriage/infant death. I find it highly encouraging to read because I don't feel crazy now. I may try to check out one of their meetings. The local women's hospital where I had the D&C done also has regular meetings for those struggling with baby loss. I may call them too.

~Shannon

Three weeks

Three weeks ago, I had the D&C done. I feel like I will never stop associating Wednesdays with that experience. Tuesdays with finding out about the loss and Wednesday with the procedure. I felt as though my baby was being taken from me even though I knew she was already gone. I miss her still.

~Shannon

Missing my baby (and hormones!)

I'm certain that my hormones fluctuating must cause me some of my depression and grief over the lost baby. Sometimes I'm completely fine. And then BAM! Tears....Last night was like that. I was tempted to check myself in to our psychiatric hospital in town. Chris and I talked and I calmed down. I have an appointment with my new doctor next Monday but it feels so far off. Don't worry...I wouldn't do anything irrational. I would definitely ask for help and find it before doing anything that would hurt me. I don't want to hurt myself...but I also don't want to feel like I want to hurt myself! I just miss Samantha terribly. My body feels empty, my life feels empty, my heart feels empty. I know I can't rely on those feelings but that's how it is. I want another baby to love on and to raise....

~Shannon

Fighting the eating disorder

The eating disorder (which I often use to refer to my struggle rather than bulimia because I was not a classic bulimic especially not in recent times) is trying to rear it's head on me again. But today I had a hopeful thought. The last time I did anything like take laxatives, throw up, etc. was July 30th. That was 2 months and 13 days ago. I have made it that long. Of course, I had the motivation of taking care of a little baby. But who knows...there could be a little one in me right now again. One can not know. Also, why would I do something to myself that I would never allow anyone else that I love to do to themself? It is not logical. I forced myself to eat a healthy breakfast and now I am finally eating lunch (it was a battle....it's now 2:15 PM) today and I will go home and eat dinner. Chris and I will take a walk, maybe play some football, and we'll have a nice night. I will not succumb to the false temptations that offer me temporary relief and control.

Sometimes I wonder if this is my cross to bear....

Jealousy, Questioning, Confusion

Since all of this happened, since I knew all of this might happen, I have struggled with not asking why. But I've tried not to ask. I tried and have been content be mystified and confused. But yesterday, those feelings in me arose. I know that anger and questioning is a part of grieving but it's a part I'm not comfortable with. It makes me want to flee from those feelings. So there's three things I'm struggling with.

I am struggling with jealousy. Perhaps envy is a better word. I am not coveting what my neighbor has, not wishing I had it instead of them but just wondering why I don't have it too. I would never wish my dearest friends and family members to go through a miscarriage but I can't help but envy those that are pregnant and wish I was in the same boat. Last night, I had a great conversation with a dear friend (thanks S.B.) who is pregnant and would have been just a week or two behind me if I was still. She was a blessing to talk to. Being a mom herself now, I feel like she really understands how much I loved little Samantha. I had prayed that God would let my one of my best friends be pregnant with me. I felt as though my prayers were answered when she called and said she was pregnant. I was so excited. So now I am sad. I started to think that maybe God liked this dear friend more than me but then I realized that wasn't rational or true but my sinful self thinking.

I also realized that even though their is pain in the blessing of her pregnancy for me, there is also blessing. As I said, she has still been a close support and she does understand the "mom" feelings that arise in me because she is there herself. So I can't fault God. He is good. His ways are better than mine.

I also struggle with questioning. Why would God do this to me? Is this a punishment? While I know all the rational and clear areas and what Scripture tells me, it still doesn't answer those deep questions that lurk in the back of my mind and arise in the dead of night.

Confusion goes along with questioning. Did I do something wrong? Why did He let me fall in love just to take the baby away? The other thing that I wonder about is if there's something wrong with my body. Will I have other children?

However, the fact of the matter is that only God knows the depths of my heart and the answer to all my hurts. And while I don't understand how He works, one thing remains preeminent in my life; that He is good and loves me always. I know He would never hurt me.

But yet....I am still human and must contend with my envy, questions, and confusion....

~Shannon

Why is work so hard?

Why is work so hard? In the morning, I dread coming in to work...but I can function at home...maybe because I can cry at any point in time when I feel like it? I know that sounds ridiculous but now that it has been almost three weeks, I feel a need to put on a little bit of a facade so that people don't think I've gone over the edge! I want to maintain all the work I did to present myself as a strong, reliable woman when I took this position. Grrrr......I fear I am losing my grip.....

~Shannon

Depression

I did a little research on depression and miscarriage. One source said that depression can affect 22-55 percent of women after a miscarriage. That's 1 in 4 to 1 in 2 women. No wonder I am feeling depressed. I have a history of depression so this makes sense right? I just want to feel like me again. I want to enjoy life. I don't want to lie awake at 3 AM in tears waiting for daylight to come...and then when daylight comes, lie there in bed waiting for nighttime to return. Will it get better?

Ugly shoes

I did not write this. I found this on another blog's site. I was reading and came across this which she had received from someone else. But it is how it feels.

Anonymously written:

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes, I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Please check out this blog

http://brightenthepath.blogspot.com/

If you are interested in reading about brightening the path for those struggling with childhood sexual abuse, please check this out. A special friend of mine from college started this and she is truly insightful. Having shared some similar experiences to her, her words have blessed and encouraged me. Also, her courage to start a blog is part of what encouraged me to start one.

Let's all start making a conscious effort to brighten the path.

~Shannon

The journey of our pregnancy-when the bleeding started til the end

A continuation of our pregnancy journey:

That was fine until two weeks after my prenatal visit. Friday, August 15th, I started bleeding. I was terrified. I actually should say that I started spotting on Thursday, August 14th. When I called my OBGYN office, I explained what was going on. They told me not to panic because this happens to many women early in pregnancy but that they don't like to see it. They sent me to the hospital to get bloodwork done and to check my HCG levels. After going to the hospital, I was told that if my numbers were good, I'd need to go for an ultrasound the next day. I received a phone call Thursday afternoon that said my numbers were good for where I was in my pregnancy and I had an ultrasound appointment at ten AM the next day.

While I was reassured about my numbers, I was still nervous about the ultrasound. We had had so many ups and downs so far and I was now so excited about this baby. My mom and dad knew what was going on and my mom was especially supportive as I was learning how pregnancy worked. In addition to being nervous, I was also personally frazzled because I was supposed to attend (as a leader) a Christian music festival weekend. I was supposed to leave with the group and two other leaders on Friday morning. Obviously that got cancelled! Thankfully, everyone understood.

Friday morning, we went in for the ultrasound. We arrived just a wee bit early and ended up waiting almost two hours (it was an extraordinarily busy day) for what should been a ten o'clock appointment. Just before noon, we headed in. They started with an regular ultrasound (doubting they would be able to see anything because my uterus was tilted and I was only six weeks along) and ended up needing a transvaginal ultrasound (not a terrible experience but definitely unpleasant) to get a close look. As we did that ultrasound, all of a sudden a little blob with a flicker came up. The technician made a few measurements and then she announced that our little baby was 6.7 weeks old and "there is a heartbeat!" Chris and I let out sighs from breaths we didn't even realize we had been holding. Our little Peep was living and her heart was still beating. Her heartbeat, I believe, was 161 which was considered on the higher end of the range (which assisted in us later identifying her as a girl). We were thrilled. We went on our way with joy in our hearts!

The next few weeks were ups and downs. I continued to bleed but it didn't change much. When I went in for a ten week check up, they couldn't find the heartbeat with the fetal doppler monitor. However, the doctor was not at all concerned, saying that it was still early in pregnancy. He gave me the option of coming back in two weeks to simply check for the heartbeat or to wait for the next appointment. I opted to wait for the next appointment because we figured that checking wouldn't really change anything. Sometimes, I wish we'd checked sooner because as the few weeks went on, we had fallen more and more in love with our little Peep. Every day, we became even more excited. We never made it to my thirteen week appointment.

At about the nine week mark, we started telling those family and friends we hadn't told yet, and at ten weeks, we made it public. Around the ten week mark, I started to notice some changes too. My nausea lessened but didn't completely go away and the tenderness in my chest became less too. My moods, however, became much worse. For some reason, I was extremely irritable and mean. I was frustrated easily with Chris and close to tears as all times. I didn't know why but I knew pregnancy could make a woman crazy so I just attributed it to that. By eleven weeks, my symptoms were almost non-existent but my mood was still crazy! Finally, as I hit the twelve week point, I decided my symptoms were going away because I was ending the first trimester. Also, I figured my bleeding would stop soon. While I hoped for that though, there was a nagging thought in the back of my mind that left me wondering why I had bled every day for almost six weeks straight. I was sure that wasn't normal. However, I was hoping baby was fine and maybe if it continued into the second trimester, it was something like placenta previa but something manageable--not a miscarriage.

Monday, September 20th, I went to work like normal. I was feeling pretty good physically and my mood had even been a little better that weekend. The weekend before we had visited my parents in Michigan and enjoyed going to a few baby stores to figure out what we wanted to register for. We had decided not to register until November or so though because we wanted to make sure the pregnancy progressed normally. We also wanted to be very organized and make our registration a quick one trip round already knowing what we wanted/needed to register for. Work on Monday went fine. Around lunchtime, I went to the bathroom. I got a wee bit nervous because I saw that I was bleeding heavier. But not significantly heavier. It wasn't even as heavy as a period. But it was heavier. Yet I didn't have any cramping. So I just pushed it aside. This continued all day.

That evening I shared with Chris what was going on. He told me I needed to call the doctor. I was adamant that I did not need to call the doctor. Secretly, I was terrified that something was wrong. Not that denial would have fixed it but I did not want to go there. We talked about it and I finally agreed to call the next morning. I called before I left the house. Chris was still in bed trying to sleep in as late as possible because he was to work a night shift that evening. When I called and explained what was going on, I didn't have to say much. Within two sentences, the nurse said they were going to want me to come in. I asked when I should come and she told me as soon as I could get there. I woke Chris up and we drove there. I knew if it was bad news, I wouldn't want to be alone and that if it was good news, I was going to need him to drop me off at work after the visit. We arrived at the office and they took us back (no, they did not weigh me...there is now a note on the chart to keep me very far away from the scale!) to an exam room where the medical assistant first, then nurse, then doctor all tried to find the heartbeat. They were not successful. The doctor informed me that this could still be because my uterus was tilted but that I needed to go for an ultrasound at the hospital.

We checked out and headed to the hospital. As we parked in the garage, I asked Chris to pray for us. He did....which majorly comforted and blessed me. I will always remember that. Our wait was short but it felt like forever. We were taken back to an ultrasound room. I got on the table and our technician started the ultrasound. She finally got a good angle at my uterus. My first thought was that "Yes, my baby is in there!" My second thought was "Oh no...that baby is not moving and it's much too small to be a twelve week old baby." Sure enough, the technician quietly informed us that the baby was measuring in at nine weeks and that there was no heartbeat. I burst into tears and Chris tensed up. He put his arms around me on the table and I leaned my head onto his shoulder. I tried to compose myself but was struggling. I was like "I knew this might happen. I had been bleeding the whole time...but it's so weird. I didn't even want to be pregnant at first but then I did! Then I wanted this baby so much....!" She looked at me and said "Many women feel that way. And by the way you definitely didn't cause this...it just happens sometimes."

She left the room to call the doctor and discuss the results. When she returned, she said that the doctor would be calling into this room to give me options. He promptly called. My options were to wait and finish miscarrying naturally, to take a pill to induce and finish the miscarriage, or to have a D&C. Chris and I briefly whispered while I was on the phone, both in agreement that we should go with the D&C. We feared emotional trauma from the pill or natural miscarriage at home. We also knew there was no indication as to how long it would take for me to go through the process. We also knew until I finished miscarrying physically, I couldn't begin to process emotionally. So we went ahead with the D&C.

The rest of Tuesday, September 21st was a blur of phone calls, tears, and lots of hugs. We spent a lot of time talking with family, friends, and church members. Chris's cousin was extremely helpful having gone through this just two weeks before. She explained D&Cs to me and her personal experience. This was a major blessing. Later that day, I also started bleeding heavier and started cramping. It wasn't terrible yet so I figured I'd make it to the D&C. It was disheartening though that as the cramping picked up, I could finally feel my uterus, hard and contracting. Great. I finally felt a slight baby bump and I wasn't even pregnant anymore.

That night was rough. I didn't take a sleeping pill and was exhausted. It was sleep, cry, cry, sleep, wake up crying, sleep, wake up, remember what happened, cry, sleep, toss and turn, all night long. Finally it was five o'clock in the morning and we got up to head to the hospital. We checked in, waited, and then finally was taken back. After giving a urine sample, I met the anesthesiologist, a couple of students, a resident, and finally my doctor. Because my OBGYN office consists of a big group of doctors, I hadn't met this woman yet. However, Chris and I were very pleased with her. She was very empathic saying "Shannon, I'm so sorry we have to meet this way...next time I see you here, I want you to be huge, fat, and totally pregnant--ready to deliver." Chris and I were in total agreement. I was bummed meeting her that way too...She would have been my thirteen week appointment doctor! Anyhow, she answered a few questions, told us we could start trying to get pregnant again as soon as we wanted (some doctors say wait.....she wasn't concerned....) and explained the D&C. She also told us that our children were going to have awesome colored eyes someday. (We both have blue eyes.) The nicest thing was that the anesthesiologist gave me something to relax me and Chris kissed me good-bye. Then the doctor walked with me back to the OR. Chris said that never happens. That made me feel so much better. Even though, I hadn't met her before, she was MY doctor. Unlike the nurses and techs who I felt like belonged to the hospital, I felt as though my case belonged to her and she at least knew what was going on with me. We got back there, I looked around the OR, shifted onto the OR bed and that was all I remember.

When I woke up in the recovery room, I burst into tears. They gave me something for nausea which had started to come on and then they gave me something for pain. I hadn't realized I would hurt like I did. It wasn't terrible but it was bad. However, the pain meds made me feel physically better. However, emotionally, I was a wreck. When I finally walked from the bed to the recliner recovery room, I was really upset. They went and got Chris and when he came in, I was sobbing. He held me. The next few hours were tears, more pain meds (Perkocet which made me itch all over, scalp to toe), and then finally they sent me home. I felt better a couple of hours later but I kept crying "I want my baby...."

So that's the story of our pregnancy and our emotional journey from conception to D&C. It was difficult but we got through it. God was with us every step of the way. It is my hope that you will under us, especially me, better and why this has been such a unique and emotional journey. It is also my hope that you will not judge me. I have revealed more of myself in these two posts but I believe that my transparency will help others to see me as real. I want to be real. I am a sinner who has been redeemed and is held together by the sacred blood of Jesus Christ.

Thanks for reading.

~Shannon