God is faithful

God is faithful
When I'm out of place
His deep love
I can never erase

God is faithful
He's steady and true
My trustworthy Lord
Oh, how I love you

~Shannon

ovulation calendar

Your next ovulation will most likely occur on Monday, Jan-24-2011.
Your fertile days are between Friday, Jan-21-2011 and Wednesday, Jan-26-2011.
If you get pregnant during this cycle, your due day would be Monday, Oct-17-2011.

I am not supposed to get pregnant this cycle but if I am, I already am.

Hmmmm....time will tell.

October sounds like a nice time....

~Shannon

From the mouth of babes

I absolutely adore Christopher's little brother M. M is hilarious. He's eight years old and witty. He's smart and he's a youngest child which gives him a certain impish personality. Well, the other day M and I had a fantastic conversation. This is how it went:

M: Is Mom driving or are you?

me: Well, I guess we can pretend I could drive from the passenger seat.

M: No, you can't.

me: Well, actually, close your eyes and use your imagination. Anything is possible.

M: Well, not anything. I mean, George Washington can't come back to life.

me: Well, actually...if God wants to. You ever heard of Lazarus?

M: No.....

me: Well, let me tell you the story from the Bible. Lazarus was a friend of Jesus and he died. Lazarus' family came to Jesus and they were kind of ticked off that Jesus hadn't been there to save him. Jesus wept---totally cried when he heard about Lazarus---and then he asked to go into Lazarus' tomb...and they were like 'surely he stinketh!' which is one of my favorite Bible verses, but that is beside the point, and he went in and then he brought Lazarus back to life!

M: (with a fantastic and confused expression, says in a voice of awe)  OH..... So he was a zombie then?!!!

me: AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! no...he was not a zombie!!!!!! He was alive like you and me.....

M: Oh....

me: So that's why I say if God wanted to, Washington could come back to life. Nothing is impossible.

M: Yeah, nothing is impossible with God. I remember that from watching Facing the Giants.

I started getting teary....

me: I'm so glad you know that, M. One of my favorite questions is 'is anything too hard for the Lord?'

And he says something like: No....nothing is too hard for the Lord. Nothing is impossible with God.

BEAUTIFUL! That was a few days ago...What a fantastic conversation!

~Shannon

So much in my head......

There is so much going on in my head....

Worrying about different relationships
Wondering if we can carry a baby
Fighting the eating disorder
What to do about graduate studies
Money and financial things
Physical struggles

Sometimes life gets so overwhelming......

~Shannon

Current life status

Things have been crazy lately.

Financially, it's rough.....

Poor C has needed root canals, and now needs his wisdom teeth out...also, he'll start nursing school this month. Funds are tight! Things are crazy!

There have been some things that have been stressful lately.

I am waiting to see my new OBGYN dude in February.

We're just stuck in a stressful period.

My job has been hectic. I have to remind myself to take it one step or thing at a time.

The eating disorder...I have good days and I have bad days.

I am starting to appreciate me for me! That's a blessing!

I miss the babies terribly but my faith is strong.

God has, each day, given daily bread. We trust that's enough.

~Shannon

Rough times

I had a bit of a rough weekend...but now it's okay, I think.

I don't currently know where my life is going right now.

But I believe that God is good.

I am loved. That I believe. And it's not something I've believed in a long time.

~Shannon

To my babies

Samantha,

My sweet baby. The one I felt I knew the best. I still miss you so much. I envision you giving Jesus lots of hugs, being boisterous and sweet, and holding the hands of your brothers. Know how much I love you. I am so sorry that I didn't want you at first. It wasn't you. It was me. I was scared. I love you more than words can say. You were the baby that set my heart on fire as a mom. When I saw your tiny frame and the thump of your heartbeat was inside of me, something inside of me changed forever. I love you, Samantha Peep. You've flown to Jesus and I can't wait to meet you.

Dominic,

We loved you. We knew you were there without a doubt and we missed you terribly when you were gone. You were the blink of an eye. But I feel a lifetime of love toward you. You are still our baby. Love on Noah and enjoy spending lots of time with Jesus. Dominic, Munchkin, you were our little guy! We were so excited and thought that God had given us you but instead you got the best deal. You got Jesus and no more sinful world! We will have eternity ahead of us to spend together....I can't wait.

Noah,

Lovebug, you were so loved. We felt such love and depth for you in the four days we knew about you. A Wednesday through Saturday of depth....I knew that Jesus might take you and I knew that you'd be safe in His hands but I still was heartbroken. I had already started to look ahead to September of 2011 when I would get to hold you and love you. We thought you were our rainbow baby but God had other plans. We still love you so....so much. Samantha and Dominic are there with you. We so look forward to our reunion.

Babies,
We love each of you so much. We wish so badly that we could have had you to hold here but we know that we'll hold you in heaven and death will no longer sting.

Squeeze Jesus tight. He's the best.

~Shannon

Bad people and Good people

Why do I do this?

I tend to classify people as good or bad!

EW! I get so frustrated with myself.

People are all just people and we all have good and bad. We all need Jesus.

But I do this thing where I classify people as good and say good things happen to good people.

Then I say bad things happen to bad people.

Then I think when I have a miscarriage or something bad happens that it's because I am a bad person.

Not necessarily logical!

Or I think about the fact that we could be GOOD parents as opposed to BAD parents. Then we have a miscarriage. Does God think we'd be bad parents..is that why this bad thing has happened? Oh sigh!

Anyhow....that's that.

My head is crazy!

Shannon

Love is....

Love is....

when there is nothing you've done to get it

nothing you can do to take it away

When it's just freely given..........

~Shannon

Blessings

Sometimes, when you least expect it, God uses people or situations in ways you never could have imagined. Then you see His provision and you know that He is good. He is faithful. He always keeps His promises. There have been some things in my life lately that I just look at with awe when I realize God has worked out certain things. Some relationships have been strengthened. Walls have been broken down. Burdens have been lifted. I know that all of these good things come from my Heavenly Father. But sometimes...it's so hard  to see it. But when I step back and start counting my blessings, I realize how numerous they are and good God is.

Lord, thank you for being my Provider, Protector, and Shelter. Thank you for bringing relationships and things into my life that have helped me through the tough times. You are a good God. You are a perfect God and no matter what is happening, I know that you know best. I am so sorry that sometimes I don't trust you and that sometimes I don't prepare my fields. God, thank you for Jesus, and for your forgiveness. Thank you for giving me my daily bread even when I am not grateful for your provision, which is more than sufficient. Thank you for starting to bring healing to some weak spots in me. Lord, mold me and shape me into what you want me to be. Even when it hurts, Lord, take my weakness and use it to bring you glory. Keep me safe from Satan's reach, that I might be safe from the grips of the evil one, but when temptations and struggles do come, help me to see you, glorify you, and praise your name. You are good. You are loving. You are perfect. I adore you, Abba Father, and I will always be grateful for the love that you have shown me through Jesus Christ. No amount of hurt can take that away. No pain can separate me from you. Amen. And....Love, Shannon.

To the minute

To the minute, it's been 72 hours since I have thrown up.

Please don't respond to this post to congratulate me. All that does is makes me feel more loved for being 'good' and 'bad' for throwing up which is not constructive to me. I desired to be loved unconditionally.

I've had a lot of caring and support these past 72 hours and I think that maybe we can get through this patch.

~Shannon

Helping someone with an eating disorder

Before you approach someone you suspect has an eating disorder, I would  highly recommend that you educate yourself. Too many people believe that eating disorders are only about food and weight issues, when in reality, those are just the symptoms of underlying problems. Below is a list of some things to keep in mind when approaching someone. Avoid talking about food and weight, those are not the real issues Assure them that they are not alone and that you love them and want to help in any way that you can Encourage them to seek help Never try to force them to eat Do not comment on their weight or appearance Do not blame the individual and do not get angry with them Be patient, recovery takes time Do not make mealtimes a battleground Listen to them, do not be quick to give opinions and advice Do not take on the role of a therapist It is important to remember that when  you first approach the person you suspect has an eating disorder, they may react with anger or they may deny that anything is wrong. Do not push the issue, just let them know that you will always be there for them if they need to talk. In cases where the person is extremely underweight or is bingeing/purging several times a day, you may need to step in and take control. I would only recommend doing that if the  individuals health is in extreme danger. If that is the case, you may need to speak to a doctor  about a forced hospitalization. Watching someone you love slowly kill themselves can be frightening. You will probably experience feelings of distress, anger, guilt and confusion. No matter how much you want to help them, you must remember that only they can make the decision to get help. You can not force them to do this. You must also be careful with the remarks you make to the person suffering. Below is a list of a few remarks that should never be made because they will usually only drive the person away or cause them more inner  pain and guilt. "Just sit down and eat like a normal person." If it were that easy, we would. Remind yourself that there are deeper emotional issues that may be preventing them from eating properly. "Why are you doing this to me?" We aren't doing this to you, we are doing this to ourselves. A comment like that would only cause us more guilt and make us feel worse about ourselves.  "Are you making any progress?" If in therapy, a comment like that could lead us to believe that we are not making progress and that we are in fact failing. "Are you keeping anything down?"or "When was the last time you puked?" The act purging can leave the person with feelings of guilt and shame. Having someone ask this question can cause them to re-experience those feelings and leave them feeling ashamed for having a problem. "You look terrible." Avoid commenting on the persons appearance. The person is already obsessed with their body, they do not need to hear any negative comments. "Your ruining our family." Comments like this only causes the person more guilt. It will not motivate them to eat, instead, it may drive  them deeper into their eating disorder. "What have you eaten today?" This puts us in a bad position because we either have to lie to make you happy (which causes us to feel worse  for doing so), or tell the truth and hear a lecture (which would lead us to feel like we are failing). "If you think you are fat, you must think that I'm obese."  We do not see others as being overweight. The only distorted image we have, is of ourselves. Any ways, it is best not to mention size and weights around anyone with an eating disorder. "Go ahead and have a drink or eat that. You'll just go and throw it up any ways, so what does it matter." A comment like this is   insensitive and cruel. Unfortunately, there are actually people who would say this. We already put ourselves down enough as it is and the last thing we need is someone else making us feel guilty or ashamed for having an eating disorder. If you have nothing positive to say to us, do not say anything! "I wish I had that problem." or "I wish I could be anorexic for a day." No you don't! Everyday we struggle with this problem and we go through tremendous pain in trying to overcome it. We would not wish this problem on anyone, not even our worst enemies. It is hard for us to hear a comment like that because we know how terrible it is to live with an eating disorder. "For someone with an eating disorder - you're sure pigging out today." Believe it or not, some people would actually make a comment like that. This comment is very insensitive and it could cause the person to panic about what they have eaten and end up purging. "I can't continue to live this way. When do I get time off from this disease?" It is very difficult to watch someone you love slowly destroy themselves, but a comment like this can do more damage. It would be best for you to seek outside support for yourself to help you cope, instead of lashing out at the person. A comment like this will only make us believe even more that we cause too many problems and we don't deserve to eat. "I will give you 6 months to get over this." You cannot set a time limit on recovery. Telling someone that will add even more pressure to them and if they do not recover in the time limit you set, they will believe they have failed. Everyone is different and we all do not recover in the same amount of time. Recovery does take a long time, so everyone involved needs to be patient. "Quit feeling sorry for yourself."We are not doing this because we feel sorry for ourselves. There are deeper emotional problems causing us to do this. A comment like this will only help to make us feel worse. "You just need to exercise."If someone is bulimic, this comment could lead them to believe they are indeed fat and in need of exercise. You are dismissing all the important reasons why someone is doing this. "You need to get your act together."Recovering from an eating disorder is not just a matter of getting our act together. Before you make a comment like that, educate yourself and find out how you can help us to overcome our eating disorder.   "What are your friends going to think." Many of us have had comments like this made to us. It only causes us to feel guilty and more ashamed of our eating disorders, which could lead to being more secretive and not seeking out help. "You're just doing this for attention." We do not do this for attention. Most people with eating disorders would be happy to just keep it a secret from everyone. People with eating disorders are in a lot of emotional pain and this is their way of dealing with it. They need to be encourage to seek help, they do not need to be told they are only doing it for attention. "I tried reading that book on eating disorders that you got for me, but it just wasn't really a page turner." Eating disorder books are meant to educate you so that you will have a better understanding.  They are not meant to keep you on edge like a science fiction novel! "If you are so scared of throwing up, then just don't eat." That is a ridiculous comment.  It is like telling someone who is afraid of pollution not to breathe. "I wish I could throw up all the food I eat, it would make things so much easier." This is yet another very insensitive comment.  Having an eating disorder does not make things easier, it makes life a living hell. "I barely ate once for a week, so I know what you are going through." Eating not so greatly for one week is nothing compared to having an eating disorder for years.  You cannot compare stubbing your toe, to having your leg ripped off. "You are never going to get better." A like this could be very damaging, causing the person to feel like they are failing.  You need to remember that recovering from an eating disorder is a process and it takes a long time. "You obviously are not trying to get better if you are just getting worse." Recovery is a long process and the person is going to have slips and relapses.  You cannot expect the person to recover overnight and relapses are normal part of recovery and they should be expected to happen.  During the rough times, that is when you need to be positive and support the person, not make them feel worse. "I never thought I would have a friend stupid enough to have an eating disorder." I am sure the person with the eating disorder never thought they would have a friend stupid enough to make a cruel comment  like that! "Nobody is going to like the way you look." A comment like this only causes more damage.  It is best to avoid comments on appearances, especially ones like this. "If you loved me, than you would eat this food." A comment like this would do more damage, cause the person to feel more guilt and they will more than likely feel the need to punish themselves more.  If you  love the person, than try to help them in a positive and supportive way.  "If you would just sit down and eat, you wouldn't have this problem." Basically you are right.   If we could sit down and eat normally, we wouldn't have an eating disorder.   However, we do have an  eating disorder and no matter how much we wish we could sit down and eat normally, we cannot do that just because you want us to. A comment  like this will only lead to more guilt and the person  may end up feeling the need to punish themselves even more. "No one is ever going to love you if you don't get some of that weight off." This comment would only cause pain to the person with the eating disorder and it is a very cruel comment.   It is time people learned it is what's on the  inside that counts.  People need to love each other for who they are, not what they look like. "Repent of your sins and things will get better for you."  This comment could make a  person feel as though their sins were the cause  of their eating disorder and that they have done something terribly wrong.   They could  feel like they are horrible and deserve to have an eating disorder.   No one deserves to have an eating disorder.  If a person has a strong faith in God, remind them that God loves them just the way they are. He created them and God does not make mistakes.  A comment like the above could push a person with a strong faith away from God, instead of bringing them closer to Him which is where they need to be. "You are just trying to be the worst case anorexic."  No one strives to be a worst case anorexic.  No one wants to go through this pain each day.  Comments like this hurt and the person does not deserve anymore pain. "You shouldn't go to counseling anymore. It's not helping you anyways."  Recovery does not happen overnight. It takes time and the person will experience periods of  relapses.  Also, the person may not be receiving proper treatment which makes therapy difficult.  You need to encourage the person, not make them feel worse. "Can't you see how this is affecting  me."  The person is not doing this to you,  they are doing this to themselves. They do not develop an eating disorder to hurt you.  They can see how it is affecting you, but can you see how it is affecting them?  You are watching  it happen, the person with the eating disorder is living it. "You don't even try, all you have to do is eat."   If it were just that easy, then no one would have an eating disorder.   Remember that there are underlying  issues that are causing the eating disorder.   The person will need time to deal with those issues and time to learn new and healthier ways to cope.  "If it wasn't for you and your eating disorder, then we wouldn't have to waste all of our time running back and forth to these doctors."   First, seeking treatment is not a waste of time.  Also, a comment like this would only make the person feel worse about him/herself and cause them to feel guilty, which in turn could cause them to turn even more to their eating disorder as a way to cope. "Don't expect me to baby you, remember I'm not the one who got this eating disorder."  A person with an eating disorder does not want nor need to be babied. However, they do need love and support and a comment like this is not providing them with the support they need and deserve. "Boy, you ate a lot today." or "You were certainly hungry today."  After a comment like this, you can be sure that the person is going to spend the next few hours or days obsessed with the amount of food they ate and whether it's making them fat. "You look good, but you'd look even better if you worked out."  A comment like this would only confirm in the person's mind that their body does need to be altered. "The reason you feel fat in your bathing suit/shorts/other revealing clothes is that you haven't been toning your muscles."   No, the reason the person feels fat is because they more than likely have an eating disorder voice in their head telling them that they look fat.  "Why can't you just... If the person could do just that, they would have stopped a long time ago. A person in recovery from an eating disorder needs encouragement, they do not need to be made to feel worse.  Recovery takes time and a person should not expect someone to just stop having one immediately.  Recovery takes a long time and hard work. Someone with an eating disorder has the best chance for recovery when they are surrounded by people that are loving and supportive. Recovery takes a lot of time  and hard work, but with the proper treatment, which should include individual, group and family therapy, support groups, medical and nutritional counseling, eating disorders can be overcome. I would also recommend to the families to get support for themselves.  Dealing with someone that has an eating disorder can be frustrating and emotionally exhausting. You may want  to seek the help of a therapist or a support group to help you through this difficult time. All of this info is from:

 http://www.mirror-mirror.org/approach.htm

What I Struggle With

Because I struggle with an eating disorder but it's not classic, I often feel the need to explain my struggle. I most closely relate with bulimia but my eating disorder is not specific. For one to suffer from bulimia, you must binge first, then purge. There have been only a few times in my life where I have had a true binge than purge. More often, I just feel guilty no matter what I eat. It could be a container of yogurt. It could be an apple. It could be a cookie. There is actually no differentiation which most people don't get.  For me, the mere idea of eating anything is a trigger. So what do I do? I either don't eat or when I do, I throw up or take laxatives.....When I work out, I overexercise.......Well, for five months, I didn't do that. I maintained my size/weight and ate regular balanced normal meals. But when I struggle this is how....

Anyhow, that's what I struggle with. I feel like I just want people to understand me. A prior therapist (who didn't get me) told me that I was in a box and that she could treat and relate to all people with eating disorders the same. This is not true! I fully believe every person is different and your approach to interacting and supporting someone has to come from what works for them. That's why I want you to know what I struggle with........

~Shannon

dos and don't of helping with bulimia

Here's some interesting things to do and things not to do when helping someone with bulimia.

http://helpguide.org/mental/bulimia_signs_symptoms_causes_treatment.htm is the source.

 

Do:

• Be a cool customer. No matter how worried you are, approaching your loved one with alarm is not the best approach. Stash away the eating disorder articles for now. Find a neutral place to chat and: (1) calmly say what you’ve noticed, and (2) explain why you’re worried.
• Talk and listen. Let compassion be your guide. Make sure they know you intend to listen. Keep in mind they might feel defensive or angry. It’s embarrassing to talk about binging and purging. But if they do come to you for a listening ear, show no judgment, even if they sound unstable.
• Take “solve” out of your vocabulary. As a parent or friend, there isn’t a lot you can do to “fix” your loved one’s bulimia. They must decide on their own when they are ready to move forward.
• Set an example of healthy eating, exercising, and body image. Never make negative comments about your own body or anyone else’s.
• Be good to yourself. Know when to seek advice for yourself from a counselor or health professional. Keep your friends and relatives involved in the support network.

Don’t:

• Be the food police. A person with bulimia needs kindness, not nutritional advice.
• Use insults, fear, guilt, or embarrassment. Since bulimia is often a caused by a form of stress and self-hate, negativity will only make it worse.

Things I Am Thankful For Right Now

I am focusing, right now, on things I am thankful for....

I am thankful for the color purple and for boots. I am thankful that snow is BEAUTIFUL even if it is cold! I am thankful for my coat which keeps me warm. I am thankful for J who helps me to keep my head screwed on semi-straight. I am thankful for our two cats. I am thankful for Samantha, Dominic, and Noah. I am thankful for the people who are supportive of me. I am especially thankful for them. I am thankful that I have life. I am thankful that I have an awesome husband. I am thankful that I have a house. I am thankful for cell phones and the fact that they close the distance gap. I am thankful for Tylenol because I have a headache.

Most of all, I am thankful for Jesus.

When I start to put it into perspective like that, I am thankful......and I feel so blessed!

Want you to get it

I am frustrated. I feel like half the people get the eating disorder and the other half don't.

So what do I want you to get........

How I FEEL.....

I feel terrible about myself. You have to realize I has a distorted perception of myself. How do I KNOW this? Ever looked in a mirror and thought you looked good or fine and then two seconds later thought that you looked HORRID?! I have....I've totally been there.

Or...you feel ugly. You CATCH a glimpse of someone in a window and say that person has fantastic hair! Then you realize it's your hair in that braid that you like...It's so confusing!

WHY I do what I DO....

CONTROL! I feel terribly out of control...and in the words of J....I don't trust my body! I REALLY don't.....

It's not so easy for me to just say I am going to do this and work out like this. When I end up on an exercise machine, sometimes I JUST KEEP GOING AND GOING AND GOING even though I AM DIZZY and sick...because I feel like there is that compulsion. I JUST HAVE to burn 1,000 calories or whatever number I am stuck on....

WHAT DO I KNOW?

that it's not good for me...I DO KNOW THAT. I JUST.....don't know HOW not to do. Sometimes mind over matter isn't sufficient. I need help. I do NOT need criticism....

I am SO frustrated with the ED (eating disorder) myself that it only makes me feel ten times worse when other people are frustrated with me.............

Sigh...........

~Shannon

I fell down and I don't know how to get back up

It's been rough. Yesterday was rough.

I fell down...I threw up after lunch. Purposefully for the first time in 5 and a half months.

I tried to tell myself not to let it get to me........not to let it become a habit. Then I felt I couldn't control the panic in me after eating just a bit for dinner last night. I went to the bathroom and threw up again.

Today I've eaten nothing. I know that eventually I will have to eat. But I don't want to.

I feel so out of control. I can control my food intake. I want to control my body.

I feel that if I was a size 0 and weighed 99 pounds that my miscarriages would not have happened. I have this notion in my head that I am not beautiful enough to deserve good things.

It's bad. Please keep me in your prayers.

I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but right now I can't see it. I am thinking on Friday that my appointment with J will be much needed.

If you are with me at all in the near future, encourage me to eat but don't force me. If you eat a meal with me, that's better than me eating alone and then don't let me near the bathroom.....I have to break this cycle...or else I am going to be out of control again.

~Shannon

right now..........

I am sliding
Sliding
Sliding into
a deep pit

and I know that I
will eventually
eventually
climb out of it

But right now
I can't stop
can't stop
the fall

The darkness
surrounds me
surrounds me
Surrounds all

Can't handle life

I feel like I can't handle life right now. I was really looking forward to wedding dress shopping with H but the bridal shop we were going to rescheduled. Now, this is no one's fault...but I am still extremely frustrated. That makes me frustrated with myself!!!!! Do you know what it is like to be frustrated with yourself and be stuck inside of your own skin? It is horrible....

I feel so rigid suddenly...and so fragile. Like anything might set me off...and I am irritated with myself for feeling this way. I just was like ready to face the day....I had a plan and I was going to be distracted but....now I have no plan...

I feel like I'm fourteen again....so emotionally unstable and confused about the unpredictable world I am living in.

Feelings are just feelings, Shannon. That's what my head says...but MY HEART IS SCREAMING TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS.

That's about it.
~Shannon

Goodbye, Baby

We lost baby.

We had already lost baby.

Apparently my bleeding is just my body's funeral to baby. Sorry if that sounds morbid. It's easier and better for me to spit these thoughts out in words on my blog than it is for me to keep them in my head.

Baby Noah.

Noah 'Bug'......We think this one was a little boy too....It's all we can go on.

We are going to figure this out now.

I just hope that this isn't hopeless and that there aren't any answers for me............

So frustrated.....

but more than anything, sad.

~Shannon

Baby, we love you

Baby,

We love you. We hope you know, though, that more than anything in the world, that Jesus loves you. We pray that if Jesus takes you to live with Him, that you will have no pain in the transition, that you will suddenly be surrounded by glory and filled with peace and joy that passes all understanding.

And baby, if we get to keep you...well, we'll be so happy! We still want you to know more than anything that Jesus loves you. That's most important.

Love you, baby bug,
Shannon

Lord, your will, not mine

Dear Lord,

I just pray that your will would be done...not mine. Please give me peace to accept whatever your will is in this situation with our baby. We truly believe that you are good and that you never do anything to hurt us. We don't understand but we still love you and praise you. Please let the Holy Spirit comfort us and be with us the next few days....We know that you are God alone and we can not possibly understand your ways but that they are always better than ours.

We love you. In Jesus' name....Amen.

Love, Shannon

Baby Bug

Well, here's good news...and maybe bad...all in one post.

I am pregnant.

That's the good news.

And I am bleeding.

That's the bad news.

What started as spotting has now become heavier cramping and more bleeding overnight.

I am scared. I just keep envisioning God holding me while I am holding baby Bug in my womb.

This little lovebug is supposed to be our rainbow baby.

I am going to the hospital to get my blood drawn. If my levels are high, we'll get an ultrasound...if my levels are low, we'll retest Wednesday and see if they double like they are supposed to. From those tests, they'll determine what's going on.

Please keep us in your prayers. We feel so helpless.

All we can do now is love this baby. We have prayed for this baby and I have spent a lot of time telling this baby about Jesus and listening to worship music and just loving this baby the best I can.

~Shannon

God is good

Our God is good.

I slept well last night....and am doing well today. I am feeling more loved and blessed than I have in a long time.....He is bringing healing and peace despite the struggles around us.

~Shannon

I trust you, Lord

Lord, I'm trusting you. Give me your daily bread and sufficient peace for the night. So far you've always provided. I trust you will still always provide.

Good night.

~Shannon

feeling horrible

Why am I so sensitive?

I'm having one of those days where I suddenly feel like the entire world hates me and no one loves me. I realize that's not rational but it's how I am feeling.

I feel that I am just a major frustration to everyone in our families and all of our friends who have to deal with me.

I feel irritated and frustrated with myself.

I am sorry if I have been a burden or frustration to you.

S

A Conversation With God

Hey God....

Today my little sister shared that her and our friend Mak had been having an online conversation and they talked about how they were amazed that my faith is strong.

Well, I just want to tell you, Heavenly Father, that I am not amazed by my faith. It's a gift from you and the Holy Spirit. I know I didn't do anything to deserve it on my own. What I am amazed by is you. How perfectly you love me. How tenderly you care.

God, you truly are an awesome God. Sometimes I can't believe you put with me, and even more than that, that you love me in the rockiest of times. You are so good. You are so loving.

My hope is that people know that this faith that you have given to me is a gift...Out of love, you chose me, and I am eternally grateful. There is so much that I don't understand but one thing I know and trust is that you love me. Oh Lord, it doesn't always make sense, but I love you for it.......because I trust you. I know you know what you are doing.

You are so good. You are so great. Thank you for Jesus. Thank you for giving me life and for sustaining me. Thank you for caring for me and loving me.

I am so indebted to you.

When I think about you, everything else pales in comparison. The struggles seem so small when you are so big. I feel so weak but you are so strong. I am secure with you. You are so great and majestic that all that is wrong suddenly doesn't matter in your presence. How I love you, Lord.

Love,
Shannon

Confession

Here's a confession I haven't shared with everyone yet.

I felt truly ugly on my wedding day and in the pictures I saw afterwards...to this day, it's still a stressful subject for me.

Sometimes I like that picture and sometimes I hate it. My mind feels so confused.

~Shannon

Feeling lifeless and purposeless

I was doing okay. Then about ten minutes ago I felt myself starting to slide into a funk. When I was with family and friends over this whole break, I felt loved and like maybe my life had an impact on someone else's life....but now I am back at work and I feel purposeless. Which leads to me feeling lifeless. Like I have no energy, joy, or vitality.

I feel like maybe I shouldn't have said anything about the 'incident'....I don't think I fully understood the impact it would have and maybe I should have waited until I was better prepared. I wasn't ready for my parents to call and say that they talked to 'him' but it is what it is. I am not writing this because I'm mad at anyone or anything...it's merely circumstantial frustration. Well, I might be angry at him because he did this to me which did this to us. Also, I am frustrated because another family member seems to be pushing me away. I don't know if they think I made this up or what. I did not make this up. I merely finally told because I got the courage to open my mouth and say something. J thinks it was because I was pregnant and had been thinking about keeping our children safe.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED AND FEELING OUT OF CONTROL RIGHT NOW AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO DO SOMETHING BAD.

But I will sit, breathe, close my eyes, and whisper a prayer, and hope for that peace that surpasses all understanding.

Please just love me right now. That is what I need most of all. I am feeling alone.

~Shannon

Dear God

Dear God,

Could you please bless me with a baby? I would really try to be a good mom. I promise to teach the baby about you. If it's your will, please give us a child. If not, give us peace and patience.

Love, Shannon



I am so hoping that this year is the year we get babies. Mom V. (my mother in law) made a very good point about how God might be getting us ready to be parents....I hope that's true. Sigh..I am NOT good at waiting. Oh well........

~Shannon

I love my mom

Why do I love my mom?
There's a lot of reasons...but one big one is because her and my dad were brave enough to confront the person in my extended family whom the incident occurred with.

That's so tough and I can't imagine how hard it was...but they did it.

I do love my mom.....and I felt she should know it!

~Shannon

highs and lows

When I was a camp counselor we used to have to share our high and lows at the end of each day. Since I am just getting back to work and feeling fairly reflective about the past two weeks, I thought I'd share my top twenty highs and top ten lows. So I guess it's good that I have more highs than lows!

We'll start with highs:

1. Chris getting off early on Christmas Eve and then being called off Christmas Day! He was able to celebrate it after all!

2. Mega epic family bonding time with the in-laws! I especially love Mom, H, and K. You guys were such a blessing.

3. New boots, mascara, and socks! Those were only a few of my awesome gifts.

4. M&Monary INSTEAD of pictionary.....where you eat your mistakes. Thanks T.V.

5. Spending time with our god-daughter. LOVE THAT LITTLE GIRL! Octopus....!

6. Having a little hope that I may be pregnant again...we'll wait a couple days and see.

7. 97 cent shirt at JC PENNEY!

8. Half off LIP SMACKERS Christmas clearance. Addicted to lip balm seriously....

9. Cheese curd. Soooo good.

10. NARNIA! The third movie is so my favorite....

11. Not having to go to work...he he....

12. Becca and John....best friends are great.

13. Meeting Elizabeth---cousin in Chris's family!

14. Reaching 5 month anniversary of not having given into bulimia....

15. Dudley---a very small dog---liking Cassie---a bigger dog---but Cassie being afraid of Dudley! lol!

16. Annabelle liking Cassie

17. Having parent in laws help us with tons of things around the house! So ready now for 2011.

18. 7 layer mexican dip and beef and cream cheese roll ups...wouldn't be New Year's Eve without them.

19. Finally sleeping again

20. Waking up multiple mornings and being so glad I had been kept from giving into the temptation of the eating disorder.....


Now for my ten lows:

1. My parents calling and telling me they'd talked to the family member about the incident and I wasn't thrilled with that person's response.

2. Freaking out over calories in cottage cheese

3. Freaking out over calories in ginger ale

4. GPS adventures coming back from New York

5. Crying through the whole Christmas Eve service

6. Losing my eyeliner (BUT LATER DID FIND IT!!!)

7. Spending 7 dollars for a toothbrush....

8. Being clawed by Izzi because she's afraid of dogs

9. Losing my voice mostly!

10. Heather having to sleep on an air mattress in the bedroom door to keep me from accessing the bathroom


All in all, it was a good time and we plowed through the rough.

~Shannon

This Christmas season

So I haven't posted for almost two weeks now! So sorry....but it's been good. I have been really taking a break from and focusing on some healing and enjoying life. I have had a lot of nurturing and growing going on and this break has been full of ups and downs but it's been mostly good. God has truly blessed me through our families. While we did not get to see my family this Christmas, we will see them soon, and I am blessed by how much they love me. Chris's family---my family now too---has been so fantastic this Christmas. It was a rough year and I had some rough patches throughout Christmastime with everything going on....from the incident to the eating disorder and they were very loving and supportive. I love them to pieces. I wouldn't trade our families. They are great. I definitely feel blessed in knowing that Samantha and Dominic and my struggles have brought us all closer together............

More to come...........

Blessings all...

Shannon